Friday, June 30, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I tried to give blood today
I am not allowed to give blood ever because I got a cornea transplant. Once again I feel like such a looser. Not only did I have a fucked up eye in the first place but now because of it my blood must be rejected by all other people on earth. I have bad blood, man! Actually, it really does make be feel like shit!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Self Esteem
The lyrics I put up yesterday seem to have a comforting affect on me for some reason. I don't quite understand this. They seem to be like an old friend sitting out there to comfort me. I think it is that the message the lyrics deliver are comforting - kind of like when the world is going to hell, I always have the comforting fact that I am a real piece of shit to fall back on.
Boy, I gotta break this one, huh? To think of yourself as a piece of shit is a real dangerous way of thinking. That is to say, I think you are what you think.
Boy, I gotta break this one, huh? To think of yourself as a piece of shit is a real dangerous way of thinking. That is to say, I think you are what you think.
For your own good
I remember my Aunt Judy justifying her husband's behavior. Her husband, my dad's brother, is step father to her children. She said that it was for her daughter's own good that my uncle gene ran my 12 year old (at the time) cousin's head through the drywall.
I have a hard time with this one.
My dad was not much different. I wonder why I have low self esteem.
I have a hard time with this one.
My dad was not much different. I wonder why I have low self esteem.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Self Esteem
Madeline
The Off SpringI'm just a nobody 'cause nobody smiles at me
You must be somebody because your friends sell smiles for free
I wish you were lonely because maybe I
wouldn't be You'd feel sorry for that other nobody
And who needs friend when you can come and cry with me
It all depends when your cup is half full of half empty
I'm just a nobody because I like to write and read
You must be somebody because you never talk to me
I wish you were ugly cause I would feel so free
to hold hands and sing with that other nobody
And who needs friends when you can write bad poetry
talk of when love ends the hurt sets in
the faithful art of the lonely
And who needs friends when you can write bad poetry
talk of when love ends the hurt sets in
the faithful art of the lonely
I'm just a nobody I call my own home
You must be somebody because I've never seen you alone
I wish you weren't so loveable when I feel like a cactus tree
who wants to touch the thorns of a hopeless nobody
La La La La LaBeck
La La La La La
I wrote her off for the 10th time today.
Practiced all the things I would say
She came over I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her desert????? (huh???)
I know I'm bein used
It's okay because I like the abuse
I know, she's playin with me.
that's okay cause I got no self esteem!!!!!
Oh way ohhhhhh, yeaaaah yeahhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah eahhhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
We make plans to go out at night
wait til two then I turn out the light
This rejections got me so low
she keeps it up I just might tell her so.
Oh way ohhhhhh, yeaaaah yeahhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah eahhhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
When she's saying, all that she want's only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she saying, that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer The more
it shows you really care Right? Yeah!
Now I'll relate, this little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night, she knocks on my door
She's drunk again and, looking to score
Now I know, I should say no, but
That's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem
Oh way ohhhhhh, yeaaaah yeahhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah eahhhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
When she's saying, all that she want's only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying, that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!
In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
butane in my veins so i'm outto cut the junkie
with the plastic eyeballs
spray paint the vegetables
dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
kill the headlights and put it in neutral
stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
baby's in Reno with the vitamin D
got a couple of couches sleep on the
love seat someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain about
a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
don't believe everything that you breathe
you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
so shave your face with some mace in the dark
savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park
(yo cut it)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(double-barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
i'm a loser baby,so why don't you kill me?
Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare
banned all the music with a phony gas chamber
'cuz one's got a weasel
and the other's got a flag
one's got on the pole shove the other in a bag
with the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job
the daytime crap with the folksinger slop
he hung himself with a guitar string
slap the turkey neck and it's hangin' on a pigeon wing
you can't write if you can't relate
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
and my time is a piece of wax
fallin' on a termite who's chokin' on the splinters
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheeze whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(drive-by body pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
soooooooyy....
(I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(I can't believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
[repeat]
(Sprechen sie Deutches, baby)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(Know what I'm sayin'?)
Friday, June 23, 2006
I sit in my room
trying not to make anybody else my higher power.
I went down on my bike hard last night. My right arm looks like spoiled hamburger and I can't raise it above my chest. And then my wife tells me she doesn't want me to come up in august to see the children. At this point, I am not sure which hurts more.
I tried to get a hold of Tara and she is not there. I called her three times. I left a message once and called two other times. I sense myself needing her. Danger Danger Will Robinson. Run away Run away. She is not your higher power.
I went down on my bike hard last night. My right arm looks like spoiled hamburger and I can't raise it above my chest. And then my wife tells me she doesn't want me to come up in august to see the children. At this point, I am not sure which hurts more.
I tried to get a hold of Tara and she is not there. I called her three times. I left a message once and called two other times. I sense myself needing her. Danger Danger Will Robinson. Run away Run away. She is not your higher power.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Alright, Okay,
I love you, bye.
so said the guy to his wife in the cube next to me as he ended his conversation with her. I used to do that with my wife. FUCK! This pain makes it almost impossible to breath sometimes.
I think the word "fuck" can be a most excellent expressive sound. The enunciation of the "eff" sound and the "ck" sound can be most satisfying.
Oh yea, and the "uh" in the middle has that sound of total bewilderment as in "uuuuhhhhhh"
so said the guy to his wife in the cube next to me as he ended his conversation with her. I used to do that with my wife. FUCK! This pain makes it almost impossible to breath sometimes.
I think the word "fuck" can be a most excellent expressive sound. The enunciation of the "eff" sound and the "ck" sound can be most satisfying.
Oh yea, and the "uh" in the middle has that sound of total bewilderment as in "uuuuhhhhhh"
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Do Not Worry
I ain't no bible thumper but I play one on TV. No, I am not a bible thumper. However, I happened upon this and it appealled to me. As opposed to your standard fire and brimstone bullshit.
22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.
23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.
24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!
25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.
23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.
24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!
25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
It had been 2 weeks since he'd last had anything to eat. The first couple of days he hurt quite a bit. He was really hungry. After that though he started to feel much better almost euphoric. He seemed to have a lot of energy. He seemed to be in better spirits. He was amazed at the agility with which he climbed the cliff.
However, now he was starting to loose it. He looked down from his chest on down to his feet. He was barefoot now. His shoes had completed their disipation in the last several days. They were no longer. All that he had was his shreded pants and underware. As he looked down he saw not an ounce of fat. When he started out he weighed almost 200 lbs. He was only 5'6". He was overweight and felt it. Now as he looked down at his body, he saw nothing but strength and determination. His body no longer seemed like his anymore. It was as if he had been driving an old 1980 chevette and now he was at the throttle of a new Ford Mustang with a V-8 4.6 liter engine. He felt like he had command of 300 Hp at his disposal except now he had no fuel.
He could feel the hunger and he was becoming very lethargic. He looked ahead where he thought the path lead. It certainly appeared to go only one way and that way was down the guantlet. To the left and to the right lay two huge cliffs, neither of of which were scalable - at least not in his condition. Down the center was plush green forest. It was misty and cool but not chilling. The air felt good to him. But he could feel the lack of energy. In the distance he could see smoke and with it hope.
However, now he was starting to loose it. He looked down from his chest on down to his feet. He was barefoot now. His shoes had completed their disipation in the last several days. They were no longer. All that he had was his shreded pants and underware. As he looked down he saw not an ounce of fat. When he started out he weighed almost 200 lbs. He was only 5'6". He was overweight and felt it. Now as he looked down at his body, he saw nothing but strength and determination. His body no longer seemed like his anymore. It was as if he had been driving an old 1980 chevette and now he was at the throttle of a new Ford Mustang with a V-8 4.6 liter engine. He felt like he had command of 300 Hp at his disposal except now he had no fuel.
He could feel the hunger and he was becoming very lethargic. He looked ahead where he thought the path lead. It certainly appeared to go only one way and that way was down the guantlet. To the left and to the right lay two huge cliffs, neither of of which were scalable - at least not in his condition. Down the center was plush green forest. It was misty and cool but not chilling. The air felt good to him. But he could feel the lack of energy. In the distance he could see smoke and with it hope.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
He knew he had to go.
"I'm going," he said. "I have to get going." He was still shaking from the fall. He couldn't believe there was a lake underneath of him. He didn't remember one being there but then he hadn't been paying attention. This seemed to preoccupy him. "Where'd the lake come from? Certainly, I would have noticed it!"
"I've gotta get going. Come along if you want but I've got to get going." he repeated.
"But where are you going?" she asked.
"You know? I haven't given it that much thought." He paused, furrowed his eyebrowes as he looked into the distance and then said, "I am going out of the rain. I need to get out of this fucking rain. Is that alright with you?"
"Well you don't have to get pissy about it!" she snapped back at him.
"I'm sorry, I'm just sick of the rain." He tried to reconcile.
All he could think was that he was terribly lonely and really scared and "Where'd the lake come from?" He had no idea where he was. He had no idea what was going on. But he seemed to be on the path and heading somewhere for a purpose. And so he walked and so she walked with him, back into the mist, back into the rain.
She had lost her tolerance for "pissyness" and left.
"But, wait!" he said.
She disappeared.
"Did it again." he thought. "Did it again. "
"I'm going," he said. "I have to get going." He was still shaking from the fall. He couldn't believe there was a lake underneath of him. He didn't remember one being there but then he hadn't been paying attention. This seemed to preoccupy him. "Where'd the lake come from? Certainly, I would have noticed it!"
"I've gotta get going. Come along if you want but I've got to get going." he repeated.
"But where are you going?" she asked.
"You know? I haven't given it that much thought." He paused, furrowed his eyebrowes as he looked into the distance and then said, "I am going out of the rain. I need to get out of this fucking rain. Is that alright with you?"
"Well you don't have to get pissy about it!" she snapped back at him.
"I'm sorry, I'm just sick of the rain." He tried to reconcile.
All he could think was that he was terribly lonely and really scared and "Where'd the lake come from?" He had no idea where he was. He had no idea what was going on. But he seemed to be on the path and heading somewhere for a purpose. And so he walked and so she walked with him, back into the mist, back into the rain.
She had lost her tolerance for "pissyness" and left.
"But, wait!" he said.
She disappeared.
"Did it again." he thought. "Did it again. "
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I work in the second building from the bottom lower left corner of that building.
I have to say this really scared the shit out of me. When I walked out of the building and saw the plume of smoke towering into the sky it once again made me realize how instantly one's life can change. Relative to what I do for a living, this is the only place I can work in this town - period. I would have to leave the state. There are other places in this state but there is no way in hell I'd live in those places.
The fires are contained, I think. But, they are still active. There were actually three different fires yesterday. One of them happened to be right next to where I work - shown in the pictures.
I used to live in Colorado. A couple of years ago they had a fire called the Hayman fire. (Started near Hayman lake or something like that) As one point the fire was spreading at a rate of a mile a minute or 60 mph, I think. Trees just exploded into flames. Yesterday I saw this happen I tried to ride my bike one way out of here only to find one of the road blocked. I could see the fire at that point and there was a tree by the edge of the road, the whole thing; burst into flames all at once! I couldn't believe what I was looking at.
Then as I rode through town, it was kind of like a ghost town. I went to my therapist's house because we were going to have group therapy but she was packing up her stuff to vacate. The wind was blowing away from her house but she was worried about a wind shift. It kind of disturbed me emmensly. This with all the other crap that is falling down I mean going on in my life.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
A really bad day
I am having a really
really
really
bad day.
It's like everything was pulled out from under me. I feel like the coyote just after he runs off the cliff and looks down, but right before he plummets to the canyon floor below. Accept I don't have my sign that says "Help!" or even "Bye!"
I had this dream before I woke up. It was that my wife and I had decided to get back together. We met back at the house and it was as if we were both getting back from taking very long trips. But it seemed like each of us were only gone for maybe a week or so. That was the extent of our seperation. (As I right this I can't stop the tears from dripping down my fucking face onto the keyboard)
We got back and were putting stuff away and she started talking about this guy that she had to call off a date with. She said that she almost had sex with him. They had gone out dancing and drinking to this really nice place. She decided to go to a motel with him. It was her and a friend and then two guys; one of the guys being the one she was going to go to the motel with. The motel turned out to be a really sleazy place so she didn't follow through. She went home instead. Then some how we came back together (have no idea how)
Then the dream turned into her having to tell this guy that she did not want to date him anymore because she had decided to stay with me. She told this guy. I met him. I felt really sorry for this guy and did not feel like I deserved to be back with her. Never-the-less I was still really happy. I was so happy we were back together. And then I woke up. My day has been hell ever since. My thoughts at times are: "I want to just fucking die!!!! I mean I really want to fucking die!!!"
This pain is overwhelming like a flood.
I hope I am done crying for bit - self care complete must get back to work
really
really
bad day.
It's like everything was pulled out from under me. I feel like the coyote just after he runs off the cliff and looks down, but right before he plummets to the canyon floor below. Accept I don't have my sign that says "Help!" or even "Bye!"
I had this dream before I woke up. It was that my wife and I had decided to get back together. We met back at the house and it was as if we were both getting back from taking very long trips. But it seemed like each of us were only gone for maybe a week or so. That was the extent of our seperation. (As I right this I can't stop the tears from dripping down my fucking face onto the keyboard)
We got back and were putting stuff away and she started talking about this guy that she had to call off a date with. She said that she almost had sex with him. They had gone out dancing and drinking to this really nice place. She decided to go to a motel with him. It was her and a friend and then two guys; one of the guys being the one she was going to go to the motel with. The motel turned out to be a really sleazy place so she didn't follow through. She went home instead. Then some how we came back together (have no idea how)
Then the dream turned into her having to tell this guy that she did not want to date him anymore because she had decided to stay with me. She told this guy. I met him. I felt really sorry for this guy and did not feel like I deserved to be back with her. Never-the-less I was still really happy. I was so happy we were back together. And then I woke up. My day has been hell ever since. My thoughts at times are: "I want to just fucking die!!!! I mean I really want to fucking die!!!"
This pain is overwhelming like a flood.
I hope I am done crying for bit - self care complete must get back to work
Monday, June 12, 2006
Out in the middle of the desert where the land swells above 7000 ft. and then shoots skyward to 12,000 ft., is a huge forest of ponderosa pine trees. It is an oasis. It shoots up out of the desert like an island shoots up out of the sea. It is there that they met. She 52; he 42. Neither of them attracted to each other in any particular way other than an immense impenetrable friendship. Neither of them wanting anything from the other except to hear the other’s voice in the dark void through which they walked. Here they found themselves clinging to each other as if they were stranded in the middle of the ocean.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Ah, well,
Nothing like burning the shit out of you tongue first thing in the morning with a nice pipeing hot cup of coffee on a day where temps are going to sore into the low 120's.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I've been in this situation with two women now.
My wife and the woman, Mary, before. This song always makes me cry.
Many too Many have stood where I stand
Many more will stand here too
The thing that I find strange is the way
you built me up and knocked me down again
The part was fun but now it's over
Why can't I just leave the stage
Maybe that's because you securely locked me up
and threw away the key
Oh mama please would you find the key
Oh pretty mama please won't you let me go free
I thought I was lucky
I thought that I'd got it made
How could I be so blind
We said good-bye on a corner
That I thought led to the straight.
You set me on a firmly laid and simple course
Then removed the road.
Oh mama,
Please help me find my way.
Oh pretty mama,
Please lead me through the next day.
I thought I was lucky
Oh I thought that I'd got it made.
How could I be so blind? Oh no...
A note on crying men.
No matter which way you slice it, a woman will not want to be with a man that cry's. The first rule of courting for men is, Never, Never, let a woman see you cry! I think that they will tell you, "Oh I think when a man cries it shows strength." and all that crap! But once a man cries in front a woman that woman will never think of him as being a "real" mate for them. All the sudden that man becomes their really good "gay" friend.
Many too Many have stood where I stand
Many more will stand here too
The thing that I find strange is the way
you built me up and knocked me down again
The part was fun but now it's over
Why can't I just leave the stage
Maybe that's because you securely locked me up
and threw away the key
Oh mama please would you find the key
Oh pretty mama please won't you let me go free
I thought I was lucky
I thought that I'd got it made
How could I be so blind
We said good-bye on a corner
That I thought led to the straight.
You set me on a firmly laid and simple course
Then removed the road.
Oh mama,
Please help me find my way.
Oh pretty mama,
Please lead me through the next day.
I thought I was lucky
Oh I thought that I'd got it made.
How could I be so blind? Oh no...
A note on crying men.
No matter which way you slice it, a woman will not want to be with a man that cry's. The first rule of courting for men is, Never, Never, let a woman see you cry! I think that they will tell you, "Oh I think when a man cries it shows strength." and all that crap! But once a man cries in front a woman that woman will never think of him as being a "real" mate for them. All the sudden that man becomes their really good "gay" friend.
Friday, June 09, 2006
The Wind Whispers
Hendrix
After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on down the street
Footsteps dressed in red
And the wind whispers mary
A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterdays life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries mary
The traffic lights, they turn, uh, blue tomorrow
And shine their emptiness down on my bed
The tiny island sags down stream
cause the life that lived is,
Is dead
And the wind screams mary
Uh-will the wind ever remember
The names it has blow in the past?
And with this crutch, its old age, and its wisdom
It whispers no, this will be the last
And the wind cries mary
Yes I live in Cube Land
But it is a good kind of cube land. It's not like the typical cold and sterile environment that besets most cubed out office areas
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Constant reminders
The guy in cube next to me talks to his wife on the phone from time to time, You know? No big deal. Except when he tells his wife that he loves her in that kind of more "intimate" tone in his voice. That's another thing that just drives a dagger through my chest and then heart.
Added: 10/01/09:
That guy is now my boss - actually has been since 10/13/09
Added: 10/01/09:
That guy is now my boss - actually has been since 10/13/09
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Welcome
Home by the Sea
by GenesisCreeping up the blind side, shinning up the wall
Stealing thru the dark of night
Climbing thru a window, stepping to the floor
Checking to the left and the right
Picking up the pieces, putting them away
Something doesnt feel quite right
Help me someone, let me out of here
Then out of the dark was suddenly heard
Welcome to the home by the sea
Coming out the woodwork, thru the open door
Pushing from above and below
Shadows but no substance, in the shape of men
Round and down and sideways they go
Adrift without direction, eyes that hold despair
Then as one they sign and they moan
Help us someone, let us out of here
Living here so long undisturbed
Dreaming of the time we were free
So many years ago
Before the time when we first heard
Welcome to the home by the sea
by GenesisCreeping up the blind side, shinning up the wall
Stealing thru the dark of night
Climbing thru a window, stepping to the floor
Checking to the left and the right
Picking up the pieces, putting them away
Something doesnt feel quite right
Help me someone, let me out of here
Then out of the dark was suddenly heard
Welcome to the home by the sea
Coming out the woodwork, thru the open door
Pushing from above and below
Shadows but no substance, in the shape of men
Round and down and sideways they go
Adrift without direction, eyes that hold despair
Then as one they sign and they moan
Help us someone, let us out of here
Living here so long undisturbed
Dreaming of the time we were free
So many years ago
Before the time when we first heard
Welcome to the home by the sea
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
You know what I can't stand
Is when I put on a shirt and I feel this excruciating fire like pain in my back. Then out from my shirt falls one of those fucking scorpions. The next four or five hours I am in pain and I just watch my skin around my back reacting to the poison as it makes its way around my abdomen. It kind of peters out as it gets to my chest and the pain lessens. I hate that!
Monday, June 05, 2006
Fwoosh!
A very brief departure into the other world was interupted by a nose full of, then a mouth full of, then lungs full of cold water. All around was the barely distinguishable outline of rock through what seemed to take him and eternity to figure out was blue grey of water. He was coughing and choking as his head popped above the water. He looked up and on the shore there she was watching - just looking at him as if she were a scientist observing a laboratory animal such as a rat fighting for his life. He began to tread the icy water and then began to swim to the shore. He pulled him self out almost at the point where she had been but no longer was. He crawled completely out head pounding out every beat his heart could make. His head ached sharply like when ice cream is eaten to quickly. The blood his brain had decreased severely in temperature. He rolled over on his back grabbed his head and rocked from side to side. The pain subsided and he slowly came to a stop. Finally he laid on his back looking up at the fog. It was getting dark and a cold rain began to fall. He closed his eyes and laid back in the mud. His last thought before he went to sleep was, "But God, you promised!"
A very brief departure into the other world was interupted by a nose full of, then a mouth full of, then lungs full of cold water. All around was the barely distinguishable outline of rock through what seemed to take him and eternity to figure out was blue grey of water. He was coughing and choking as his head popped above the water. He looked up and on the shore there she was watching - just looking at him as if she were a scientist observing a laboratory animal such as a rat fighting for his life. He began to tread the icy water and then began to swim to the shore. He pulled him self out almost at the point where she had been but no longer was. He crawled completely out head pounding out every beat his heart could make. His head ached sharply like when ice cream is eaten to quickly. The blood his brain had decreased severely in temperature. He rolled over on his back grabbed his head and rocked from side to side. The pain subsided and he slowly came to a stop. Finally he laid on his back looking up at the fog. It was getting dark and a cold rain began to fall. He closed his eyes and laid back in the mud. His last thought before he went to sleep was, "But God, you promised!"
Sunday, June 04, 2006
He kept turning around to see if anybody was there. From time to time he would stop and look around but no one, not a soul. The last two days were incredibly devoid of other people. All there seemed to be, were him, the path, the rain, and his thoughts. And his thoughts he could do without.
It had to have been around 180 days now since he heard the words, "I want you to leave, I want you to go and not come back." He asked if he ever could. She said she didn't know. So he left. Around 60 days after leaving, he realized that there was no recognizable trail, path, or road back. He would never see or realize that part of his life again.
Two days ago he had ventured up one of the tall cliffs that skirted that path he walked. The climb was difficult but not impossible. He wanted to see if he could at least see the sun. It had probably been 180 days since he had last seen the sun. As he thought about it, he realized that not once had the sun shone through the clouds, let alone at all.
As he climbed the fog thickened but he seemed to be able to find foot holds even in the reduced visibility. His cloths were soaked from sweat and rain. They were torn so bad he really didn't know why he was wearing his shirt anymore. As continued his climb he attained the final rip in his shirt that rendered it completely useless. He took it off and threw it out into the open air. He watch it whirl around and slip into the thickness of the fog below and then continued the ascent.
As got closer to the top. It became brighter and brighter. There was a sun in this strange land. He wasn't even sure he was on the planet anymore as he thought about the concept of "the sun" "This doesn't even really seem like earth anymore." It got brighter. Finally it got so bright that the fog was so lit up and the glare was so bad he could no longer see the next foot hold. He froze then looked down. For a while he couldn't make out any foot holds below. Panic ensued. He started to shake and his knees became weak. His heart rate and breathing rate increased until he closed his eyes and forced himself to relax. He opened his eyes as he looked down. Finally he could just make out one of the foot holds he had just used. He slowly and carefully lowered himself down onto it. As he began to put his full weight onto the out cropping of rocks, they gave way and he clawed desperately at the rock only to realize he was clawing at the fog and it was getting darker and darker. He watched the cliff disappear the brightly lit fog grow dim and felt the rush of air as he accelerated back toward the ground. He thought, Thank you God. It is over!
It had to have been around 180 days now since he heard the words, "I want you to leave, I want you to go and not come back." He asked if he ever could. She said she didn't know. So he left. Around 60 days after leaving, he realized that there was no recognizable trail, path, or road back. He would never see or realize that part of his life again.
Two days ago he had ventured up one of the tall cliffs that skirted that path he walked. The climb was difficult but not impossible. He wanted to see if he could at least see the sun. It had probably been 180 days since he had last seen the sun. As he thought about it, he realized that not once had the sun shone through the clouds, let alone at all.
As he climbed the fog thickened but he seemed to be able to find foot holds even in the reduced visibility. His cloths were soaked from sweat and rain. They were torn so bad he really didn't know why he was wearing his shirt anymore. As continued his climb he attained the final rip in his shirt that rendered it completely useless. He took it off and threw it out into the open air. He watch it whirl around and slip into the thickness of the fog below and then continued the ascent.
As got closer to the top. It became brighter and brighter. There was a sun in this strange land. He wasn't even sure he was on the planet anymore as he thought about the concept of "the sun" "This doesn't even really seem like earth anymore." It got brighter. Finally it got so bright that the fog was so lit up and the glare was so bad he could no longer see the next foot hold. He froze then looked down. For a while he couldn't make out any foot holds below. Panic ensued. He started to shake and his knees became weak. His heart rate and breathing rate increased until he closed his eyes and forced himself to relax. He opened his eyes as he looked down. Finally he could just make out one of the foot holds he had just used. He slowly and carefully lowered himself down onto it. As he began to put his full weight onto the out cropping of rocks, they gave way and he clawed desperately at the rock only to realize he was clawing at the fog and it was getting darker and darker. He watched the cliff disappear the brightly lit fog grow dim and felt the rush of air as he accelerated back toward the ground. He thought, Thank you God. It is over!
Off to the Sunday night AA meeting
To night we talked about the fifth step. The fifth step is where you admit to yourself, God, and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. And what are your wrongs you might ask. Well your wrongs you got from step four where you made a searching and fearless moral inventory of your defects of character. I was surprised to find that I actually had defects of characther LOL!!! Not really. I had plenty. The first time I did a fifth step it wasn't too bad the second time, whoa! I felt like shit. This is not really the intent of the fifth step. The fifth step is intended to get you closer to your higher power, God, Budha, what ever. Any way, I gotta do another fifth step well actually forth step first then fifth step.
Driving up I-17 early Saturday Morning
This is a picture of the sun through a bug splattered windshield through smokey air.
Sunday Morning
Went to church this morning. I have met some really nice people there but it still turns me off for some reason. I think it is the whole judgement thing. In church we do a group prayer. Our spiritual lead believes in only praying for thanks. I guess I kind of have to agree with that. Anyway I prayed that I was grateful nobody was hurt and that there was only superficial property damage with a friend of mine who experienced an accident.
I have a pretty bad head ache right now. I think it is because I haven't had coffee in the last 24 hours and I have been crying for the last hour and a half.
I went to the grocery store bought my standard fair of six apples, a package of string cheese, some grapefruit juice, some bananas, cereal, and some other junk. As I was there I was putting stuff in the shopping cart and I thought of when I would take my three boys to the grocery store and put them all in the cart. Just like that the what ever it is that has kept me from falling to pieces went away. Right there in the grocery store I lost it.
It feels like I am trying to pretend that my world is not a world of shit that I live in. Every once in a while the whole thing comes crashing through - the reality of the situation. It is so fucking painful I just want to die. I would like to talk to her so desperately but I know that I can't; all I can do is just sit here and take it; try to deal with it as best I can. This is one fucking lonely time in my life.
The high light of my week is Sunday evening when I go to my AA meeting and I see her.
I have a pretty bad head ache right now. I think it is because I haven't had coffee in the last 24 hours and I have been crying for the last hour and a half.
I went to the grocery store bought my standard fair of six apples, a package of string cheese, some grapefruit juice, some bananas, cereal, and some other junk. As I was there I was putting stuff in the shopping cart and I thought of when I would take my three boys to the grocery store and put them all in the cart. Just like that the what ever it is that has kept me from falling to pieces went away. Right there in the grocery store I lost it.
It feels like I am trying to pretend that my world is not a world of shit that I live in. Every once in a while the whole thing comes crashing through - the reality of the situation. It is so fucking painful I just want to die. I would like to talk to her so desperately but I know that I can't; all I can do is just sit here and take it; try to deal with it as best I can. This is one fucking lonely time in my life.
The high light of my week is Sunday evening when I go to my AA meeting and I see her.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Shame on me!
So the last several posts have been kind of like a story of metaphores for the journey I am on. When I started out it seemed kind of cool. Now, not so much. I look back at it as kind of foolish and I am kind of embarassed. I mean I would never dream of showing my wife this stuff. She would roll her eyes and get pissed because I am wasting my time. I would feel shame like I am beginning to now. Just thinking about the fact that I wrote this stuff - that I took the time to write this stuff makes me feel shame.
When he awoke that following morning the rain had stopped but it was still cloudy; an overcast covered the sky. He opened his eyes and laid on his side and looked out at the beautifully green country side. His first thought was remembering what it was like to wake up behind his wife with his arm around her stomach. The comforting warmth. The rythmic movements of her body as she inhaled and exhaled. The peacefulness, the comfort, the serenity, he knew it was special then and he was afraid of loosing it. Now, here he was; that kind of comfort was gone. He wondered if he would ever feel that again in his life or was he just destined to continue this journey in the rain.
There didn't seem to be as many rocks on the path this morning. He started back down what appeared to be the path. And then he thought of the girl. What had happened to her? As he walked he kept looking around and hoping.
There didn't seem to be as many rocks on the path this morning. He started back down what appeared to be the path. And then he thought of the girl. What had happened to her? As he walked he kept looking around and hoping.
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