Under Pressure

I am so overwhelmed with stressful stuff that I have to do.

• I have to ask my dad for financial helpI have to kind of go through what I might pay in Taxes for 2007. Not 2006 So I can get the proper amount in financial help.
• I have to go to New Orleans the first week in February. (This can be a really bad thing for me. New Orleans or Las Vegas - bad places for Floyd)
• I have to go up to Denver the last weekend in Feb. (these dates just keep coming up so quick I can't see straight.)
• I have to fill out business tax returns for the month of December to the State when I should really be sending the stuff to the city.
• I have to keep in touch with the boys.

There is probably a bunch of other stuff but it seems all of it is getting away from me.

So like I froze big time

Okay, its been 16 years since I have asked a woman on a date. I never had any practice to begin with

A crack at asking a woman out on a date.

I have only asked one woman out on a date. I am 43 years old. This woman was my ex-wife. She always used laugh at how I was waving my arms around when I was asking her out she thought it was "cute." I wonder what she thinks about it now.

You would think I would learn to stay away from the whole thing but no I am stupid. Yes I am. I envision me at some point asking a woman in one of my meetings out for coffee. That is it nothing more. I am no good at nor want to be good at being a "womanizer?" Kinda sounds like a machine.

Like I said I have only asked one woman out in my life. In fact, it is always up to the woman to make the "move" on me. I have only been with three women where I haven't exchanged sex for cash. In all three cases these women initiated sex. I don't think I can do that. I do not want to try to get a woman to have sex with me when she does not really want to have sex with me. This of course flies in the face of what sometimes happened in the first nine years of my 12 year marriage. Yes, I was a pig in my marriage, a real asshole. I really don't want to be a pig and did not want to be one then but I was. I hope I am growing up.

I suspect I will end up asking in much the same way as I did with my ex-wife. Here is how it will go. I have been wanting to ask you something however I am really nervous. I get real nervous around beautiful women. You are beautiful and I am nervous. Anyway would you want to go for coffee some time?

Hey that is honest and admitting to being nervous kinda kills the power of being nervous. Of course if she says yes, then I just completed the absolute most easiest part of the relationship. The rest is up hill from there. However the rewards are wonderful. After climbing the hill abit, if you have done the climb the views and vistas are absolutely spectacular,. . . I hear.

Regarding further visitations

I usually have my friend Kay pick up the boys from the ex and drop them back off when I go up there to visit with them. The ex wants me to pick them up myself. The last time I saw my wife was nov. 24 2005. I asked her if she still loved me or would ever to be able to love me again. I asked if she would let me back into the family again. All she could tell me was to go back and never come here again. I knew she would not feel that way for ever. Never the less this was absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt the most truamatic moment of my life. The reverberations of that blast still echo to this day. I can not simply see her at this time nor do I expect to see her in the foreseeable future (a year at least, could be the rest of my life) The following was my response to her request that I pick up the children from her - i.e. not having third party involvement

Having third party involvement is an essential element that allows me to have successful visits with the boys. It is essential in me taking care of myself It is essential for three reasons which are, I am not capable of seeing you in person at this time, I need to preserve whatever sanity I have achieved to this point, and I need to keep costs of the visits down. The goal I try to achieve in my trips to ______ is that the trips be successful for me, but more importantly, successful for the boys. The only way to this end is that I take the best care of myself that I can while up there. I do this by relying on K__ or a third party.

I forget when it was; I think it was prior to thanksgiving of '06. I asked if we could get together in person with MJ between the divorce hearing and Christmas. In fact, I think I even asked to stay at the house. You did not believe it was such a good idea given the timing. I really believe it was quite a bit of wisdom on your part. During my drive out to Atlanta I thought a lot about me seeing you in person. One thing that kept coming back is the circumstances/situation in which I last saw you. I asked you a number of questions at that time. All those questions have now been answered.

This was a horrific time for both of us. In light of how those questions have now been answered and the haunting memory of November 22 -24th, it is clear to me that I am in no shape to see you in person or to even see the neighbor hood and especially the house under any circumstances at this time or in the foreseeable future. I have come to understand and enjoy the rewards of how stable my life has become in Flagstaff. This stability is significantly disrupted when I leave this place for any reason. This disruption seems to be more profound when I make the trip up there to see the boys. Although it is more than I had anticipated, I do have the support to handle it. I was reticent to start these visits because I didn't think I could handle the disruption. I believe it would not be in anybody's best interest for me to see you, see the neighborhood, or see the house at this time. I believe that us seeing each other under any type of circumstance would severely jeopardize the work I have done in the last year. Not seeing you is very important in taking care of myself.

Another important aspect of taking care of myself is relying on other people appropriately. I rely on at least 25 people down here. I have friends that drive down to phoenix to pick me up at the airport (a six hour commitment and a tank of gas) I just did the same for somebody last night and was honored that I was asked to do it. For what ever reason, I don't consider myself and the help I ask for as being a burden to these people. It is this kind of help that I have come to realize that I can not do without. God not only wants me get help when needed but requires that I get help when needed. I am guessing that asking for this type of help is what is making you uncomfortable. To a large extent, when I lived up in Denver, I was living in the insanity of trying to do everything myself on an emotional level. (I admit that I did not do many things by myself that I should have.) I gave up “not asking for help” to God when I accepted the job down here. I am quite a bit more sane now that I rely on other people for help. If they are able to help then it is something that is meant to be. If they can not help then it is something that is not meant to be. It is just this simple

Finally, I bought a newer model car as opposed to the 93 honda civic dx in order to provide reliable affordable way to see the boys. It provides transportation to get up there, provides transportation for me and the boys once I am there, and provides a place to spend the night while in transit. This is the alternative to driving down to and from Phoenix, parking, air fare, car rental, and hotel. The Honda does not work anymore. I only give you this information to say that to require a hotel because the boys and I can not stay with a third party somewhat defeats this strategy. The point is, is that I can only visit the boys if I am able to keep the costs down. I am sure this will only be a short term problem.

Because of these reasons and until I am able to find other people to rely on up there I rely on Kay. If she has given you the indication that she can no longer help or you feel we are abusing the help she is offering, then I will work on making other arrangements. If you are adamant about not having third party involvement altogether then I will defer visits with the children until such time as I am confident that seeing you in person will not jeopardize my sobriety and stability. I hope you at least understand my reasoning and do not view third party involvement as me "playing games."

I understand that based on my past behavior this can lead you to conclude, "He's just playing games with me." Even if you understand my reasoning you may still require that no third party be involved any more. I honor, respect, and ultimately accept this decision and accordingly will accept the responsibility and be accountable for the consequences that ensue.

The only thing I ask is that you be true to yourself. This may mean that when you say you do not want Kay or any third party to be involved anymore, and you know this to be your truth then I ask that you stick to this truth. It is evident that you have been able to do this since November of ‘05 thereby demonstrating your recovery. Given my background and my problems as a result I do not believe I could have found a better person to marry or a better person to then divorce me.

Thanks

Andy

God does for us what we can not do for ourselves:

I get off the highway in OKC with the intent of getting off the wagon. Several things intercede though. The first is just getting off the highway. The exit is one of those that makes an immediate right angle turn onto a frontage road. I miss the right angle turn at the end of the exit and cut across the corner and then onto the frontage road. This is so totally awful but I am writing it out to acknowledge that once again I am powerless over this addiction and my fucking life is un-fucking-manageable.

I get off the highway get on the frontage road and head west to a bridge over the highway, cross that bridge and head east on the frontage road on the other side of the highway. Just as my eyes spy a place called fantasy something or other my phone starts ringing. I pass the place immediately forgetting about it. I make it to the street that was right before where I exited the highway. My phone stops ringing. I head south and then take the first right heading west. I pull into a gas station/convenience store and get my phone that is laying on the floor of the passenger's seat. It was my friend Tara. I listen to the message and try to call her back. (As I look at it, this is actually pretty good because I actually called her back. I mean typically nothing interferes with the addiction, nothing!) Anyway, I say screw it and get back on the highway and head for Amarillo.

In Amarillo I get off the get off the highway to find a gas station in the hopes that there might be some type of "establishment" near by. The phone rings again. It is another friend. I answer. My addictive episode now somewhat weakened or less severe is interupted by this call.

The snowstorm has kicked up and the streets are covered with ice. I skate through an intersection where there is a gas station. I go to the gas station, get gas, and go in to get a bottle of water. There is a cash machine in there. Thinking that cash might come in handy, I decide to get some cash. (The episode, although weakend, is still underway.) The machine spits my card back out much more quickly than I had expected and a reciept is printed. "Insufficient funds" is the primary message. (Cash facilitates my addiction - kinda makes "things" easier to get.)

Totally depressed and full of shame I get back on the highway and head for Albuquerque. The snow storm strengthens. My addictive episode fades. Immediately, I run into stopped traffic out in the middle of nowhere. It takes about an hour and a half to travel the next eighteen miles where there is an exit with one loan gas station on the other side of the highway. I go across the highway to the gas station. The gas station is not open but the parking lot is packed with trucks

I really have to pee. It seems to be really crowded out in the middle of nowhere so I go back across the highway only to see that the westbound lane has turned into a parking lot once again. I continue pass the entrance ramp down onto a desterted frontage road. I stop off to the side of the frontage road, pee into a cup, roll down the window, and dump the pee out of the cup. (better than getting out in the snow and standing in front of the westbound parking lot) I get in the back of the forerunner, climb into my sleeping bag and go to sleep where I sleep quite well.

The following morning the eastern sky is ablaze with the rising sun. The snow storm has passed and so has the episode. Although I had taken a lot of hits, it appears as though I had won the battle. I won that battle with the help from my higher power.

Thank you God, no! I really mean it. Thank you! I am so grateful! I am still on the wagon - on my way I know not where.

Stay on the Path

I seem to be trekking along in my journey in a place where it is not safe to get off the path or the highway.

Having fun. . .

in the vacuum of the holiday.

How facisious is that? I will tell you it is really facetious.

The first 1200 miles went off seemingly without a hitch. Then yesterday I got to spend all day in Tucumcari. They seemed to have gotten a little snow in Albuquerque - kinda went along with Denver's storm.

I had my guitar with me this trip. While wasting away in Tucumcari. I happened to run across the chords to Landslide. My wife, I mean ex-wife, liked the Dixie Chicks version of this song. Nobody does it like Stevie if you ask me. Anyway, once again the floodgates opened.

Thank you God.

While in Atlanta, I met a person I communicate with on this blog - you know who you are. ha ha ha. I was pretty nervous about it. It turned out well. - must say very cute daughter and gracious husband. The man is lucky. The woman, of course, lucky as well.

Once again, another reason to thank God on this, the first day of 2007.