Laser Engraver

The laser engraver is back up and running.  I made the Star of David for Wendy and made one of the cards for Brian

What She Wants - ex wife

"Transparency."  She was always good with the buzzwords. Trans pairrrr ennn seee.

Okay, here is my side of the street.  And there is "my side of the street."  My side of the street is that I would say stuff to her like, "I will be unavailable for the next week."  when I would be going to Mexico.  "She said if your trying to spare my feelings, please don't. This is just annoying." Actually in this case I was not trying to spare her feelings. . . at all.  I have to admit that in the case of going to Mexico, I did this to make it a bit of a "mystery." (hush!, quiet!, don't let anybody know!") to make her wonder. "Hmmm? what's he up to?"    Of course all this did was make her pissed.

Does she actually not trust me.  I don't think so.  I think she is just pissed.  I think she does not trust me to act like an adult.  G-d I still have to admit that I still can not act like an adult.  Well maybe that is all I can do is act, but only sometimes.  I still have an incredibly hard time being an adult.  As I sit here and write this this truth is just being revealed to me. - and deeper in to the onion I go.

Meeting with the ex: child visitation

Think I got the ol H1N1.  I stayed home on Wednesday.  I feel worse this morning.

Yeah, I know.  Like who gives a fuck?  Well I guess I do.  I am starting to see the value of writing some of this stuff down in a journal type of thing.

I shared about fromshame2grace at last night's meeting.  There is a woman that comes to the meeting.  She will only be coming until December.   She had mixed feelings on the topic.  Others agreed with my anger towards most of the idots that commented on the news article.

Some one mentioned that I should put in a comment on that site to support him.  I actually attempted to register to be able to post but stopped the process at the last minute.  I was in too much anger and had too many hateful things to say.  Just like the guy that really pissed me off.  Each time I read it I get really pissed off.

Right now I am waiting to have a conference call with my ex and my therapist who will be the mediator about visitation with my children.  Visitation with my children is still very painful.  It really puts it front an center what I have lost, what could have been.  Everytime it is like walking back through the wreckage.  Although I haven't really done that yet.  Walking through the wreckage will be when I see Chris and Sara.  Okay, I am rambling.  However, when I do think of C and S I am filled with quite a sense of gratitude for where I am today.  There are no Chris and Sara's in my life.  I simply do not allow it.  I do not associate with people like that and will not.  This is something I do have control over and it does give me serenity.

Within Judgment lives the addiction

Remember when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you.

Third post down by JoeBlow68

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/45389.html?plckFindCommentKey=CommentKey:137fe406-37ea-41a1-b687-cfdc3e843f16&pageNum=4&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&mi_pluck_action=page_nav&tab=story_tab_comments

The post infuriated me.  Last night I wrote a lot on this and expressed my indignation.  From the 12 & 12 of AA it says:

"It is a spritual Axiom that everytime we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  But are there no exceptions to this rule?  What about "justifiable" anger?  If sombody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad?  Can't we be properly angry with self righteous folk?  For us of (place your 12 step recovery program here) these are dangerous exceptions.  We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we (place 12 step recovery program of your choice here)"

Most of the comments on that blog were judgmental not just against David but also against his wife Lisa.  These people are really pissed.  I have come to learn that when I am pissed at someone that has not done anything to me directly it is because I can see a little of them in me.  I was really angry with those people and I think it is because I can be just like them, just as judgmental.  In fact, had I not come into the program I would have added to the choir.  The fact that they are so angry with David and his wife does make me wonder what is going on in their lives.

I believe the universe gave me a shot at learning compassion just as it has with David.  I still have some learning to do.  So I keep coming back.

Consequences meant nothing

Within Pride lives the addiction.

The Building and the Dog

Neither the dog nor the building exist. Usually when I say where I went to school I say, "I did time at Ohio State." This was the front of Robinson Lab where I did a lot of time. It was home to the mechanical engineering department at OSU. In front of it, waiting for the bus, is my dog Gordie.

There were many times I would have given anything to watch them tear that building down. In fact, I would have helped. The last time I was in the building I think it was to look at grades on my last final or something like that.

I walked out of that building for the last time with my friend Colin who was the embodiment of Wayne from Wayne's World. Colin had long black hair like Wayne. He had the goofy smile and did that deal where he would flip his hair behind his shoulders and said stuff like, "Sphincter says what?" and he was from "Chicagoland". Colin was going to work for the "cron" as he put it, Cincinnati Milacron that is. I still had yet to land a job.

Anyway, as soon as the door shut behind us he ceremoniously turned around to face the building, bent down on his knees, raised both fists into the air and with middle fingers extended yelled obscenities at the building. Actually he yelled only two words and only one of those was an obscenity. The other was just a personal pronoun. It was a good obscenity though, you know, right at the top of the list and all.

Just like me he seemed to have had years of built up frustration and angst poised for the moment and this apparently was that moment. Me, I just stuffed it. Although it did take me four years before I would actually drive through Columbus as opposed to using the outer belt - even at 2 in the morning. I did well in college but I did not skate.

The "dog" Gordie is another story altogether. Gordie was kind of like Jimmy Neutron's mechanical canine, "Goddard." He was indomitable. Okay, it's too late and I can not pronounce the word so I guess that's all I have to share for now.

They both met on the trail. Actually she was already out there. He had yet to start. All the things in her life had burned down around her and she was shoveling her way out of the wreckage despite the fact others were working against her. She was in the process of trying to rebuild and it seemed as though everybody else around her was trying and in some cases successfully thwarting her efforts.

He saw her out there rebuilding but had no idea what it was all about. Actually she wasn't so much trying to rebuild as she was trying to gather all her belongings, get them organized and move on. As he heard her talk about her trials, he certainly didn't know it then but he would soon be going through the same thing.

Another milestone.

Stayed overnight with Wendy and her children for the first time on October 2nd 2009.

On friday afternoon Wendy told Leo and Sam about us, about our the deepening of our relationship.  Boy does that sound hokey or rather effusively or insincerely emotional.  Okay, now I gotta look up effusive: marked by the expression of great or excessive emotion or enthusiasm

She left a long time ago.  I mean it was years ago. From time to time he would remember her.  He still has all her pictures.  He put them in album.

At the time both of their lives were falling apart.  All they wanted was shelter.  They certainly couldn't find it in each other.  Although he wished they could.  She would have none of it of course.  He knew this so he didn't ask.

Back then it seemed like the ruins just kept going on forever as they walked through this hell of eternal smoke and smog.  Occasionally the air would clear and he would be able to make out her beautiful face.  So he kept the pictures he gave her.

The first time he looked back and she wasn't there he knew she had decided to head another direction.  He thought she probably just went back.  There was no going back for him though.  He was now on his way.  In fact he couldn't go back not even if had wanted.  All the roads had been washed away.  The buildings had been raised.  All that remained was ruins and he so desperately did not want to see the ruins.  Maybe some time but not now.  Just keep looking forward.

The memory seems persistent though.  Where did you go.  Where are you now.  Hope things are going well.  He did happen upon an artifact left by her which gave him hope however the artifact itself did not.  He discovered it about a year after she had left it.  All she said was "hahaha."  He knew she didn't leave it for him.  Must be for somebody else he thought.  The disturbing thing was that it all so said she hated her life.  As he ran his fingers over the marker all he hoped she was alright.  He hoped she found somebody. Somebody nice.  Somebody real.  Somebody that would treat her well.  He looked up at the sky and put his hand over his eyes to sheild them from the sun and realized that it was sunny now.  The mist that had seemed to persist for an eternity had lifted.  He carefully put the stones backdown where he had found them as if it were some kind of shrine.  He then left his own inscription from a song he heard thinking that if she comes back maybe she will find it.

You ask me where to begin

Am I so lost in my sin

You ask me where did I fall

Ill say I cant tell you when

But if my spirit is lost

How will I find what is near

Dont question Im not alone

Somehow Ill find my way home

 

Such a lovely creature, he thought.  He picked up his blue backpack, now almost 4 years old looked at the trail ahead and continued on.