Birthday.

Two things I heard yesterday are, If you don't want recovery you won't get it.  The other thing was.  .  .  .  I forget.  .  .

Just got done having a meeting with one of my sponcees.  We meet every Sunday morning at Denny's.  Both he  and I have come to really enjoy meeting.  I mean there is nothing like having coffee and the senior waffle slam and really good conversation.  I have to admit that the conversation is better than many of the conversations that my girl friend and I have.  Of course my girl friend and I are together a lot where as my sponcee and I meet maybe two to three times a month.  So I probably have more conversations with my girl friend that are good.  .  . Well, hopefully you get the point.  I am digressing.

In between the last paragraph and this one, I went to that bad place.  I  am back now which is why I am writing this paragraph.  This dis-ease knows no limits.

Today is my birthday.  It started out with what was probably addictive sex with my girl friend.  She was able to orgasm rather quickly, I on the other hand took some time.  Usually I just quit after it starts taking too long.   Okay, yes I know this is too much information but she got her-gasm;  I wanted my-gasm.  And because it was my birthday I did not stop until I got my-gasm.  We both acknowledged it.  This is actually the way my ex and I always had sex.  We would work on me until I got my-gasm.  Anyway it wasn't very satisfying.  Unfortunately what I did between paragraphs two and three was more satisfying.  Boy, I gotta tell you life really sucks right about now.  This, by the way, just in case you were curious, is not recovery.

Well, I should probably get my shirt tucked in and my fly zipped back up.

There, that's better.  Boy this is going to be next to impossible to read.  In fact, I don't think I will ever get back to reading this again.

The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it.  This is such a precise statement of my condition.  I do it and then afterward there is this feeling of relief; a feeling of well being.  I actually have a feeling of well being after I do this thing.

On top of all this right now as I speak my girl friend's son who is eighteen is adding his own brand of drama to this.  I guess he feels obligated to be here on my birthday.  Either that or he just wants to go out to a restaurant where somebody else will be picking up the tab.  I would be very surprised if he actually ends up paying for any of my lunch.  That is what were supposed to do today; go out to lunch, comeback, and have kind of a little party with chocolate cake.

Anyway her son says he wants to come over from his dad's to have lunch with my girlfriend, her other son, and me.  He also needs to be somewhere else and it looks like this lunch/party is going to interfere with those plans.  Typically when stuff like this happens he starts getting all pissy.  So one scenario is that he will come out with us and his did is going to come over to the restaurant and pick him up.

This would be spec-fucking-tackular.  Sitting there at my birthday lunch and having my girlfriend's ex-husband walk in to pick up her son.  I won't really go into it but to give you a flavor for the relations she has with her ex, she has had to put a restraining order on him from any type of oral communication let.  So they only communicate by e-mail.  Further, because his language is so abusive in the e-mails, she has all of his e-mails forwarded to her cousin in New York City so that she can filter out the abusive/triggering language and relate only essential information.  So having him come in on my birthday lunch would just totally suck.  I mean it is my fucking birthday.

The next thing is him and his pissy behavior.  In the words of the great Wayne  B. he does not suffer well, and he does not suffer alone!  His mood dominates the atmosphere.  I mean it takes over.  It is like standing around high tension wires where you can hear the buzz of electricity and you are just waiting for the lightning to strike.  This is what I grew up with.  I am very sensitive to it and I will be god fucking damned if I will put up with it on my birthday.

It is bad enough that I am turning 48.  I am beyond the half way point in my life.  I am having a hard time seeing, my teeth hurt,  I am growing old.  The next two days at work are going to be stressful.  And, he has to come in and fuck it all up.  Yeah, Yeah, I know he can only fuck it up if I allow him to.   Unfortunately, my brain is predisposed to allowing him to.

We are going to Cocos.  I want to have t-bone steak which is a major no no in my girlfriend's house hold.  So I will have a t-bone steak at the restaurant.  She made a chocolate cake for me which we are going to have when we get back from the restaurant.  She put it in the oven and went to take a shower that was between paragraphs two and three.  She got done with her shower just as the timer was going off for the cake.  Her son called her up and asked if he could be picked up earlier because he has plans; the plans I referred to earlier.  So it looks to me like he is on a time table which puts my birthday on a time table.  I so fucking wish he wasn't coming.  I have half a mind to just leave and be by myself today.