As usual I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety and want to act out. Yeah, remember, we are coming up on 10 years here. Not much has changed at least with these fucking obsessive compulsive thoughts. I got plans in my head in place. Top choices have been made. Oh God help me. . . but not too much. Like don’t cause my car to break down have my bank account be robbed or something awful like that. Please help me see your will for me.
Like I said not much has changed. If I were to tell Ronda what is going on in my head she would hate me and not allow me to see my kids. I hate what is going on in my head. To be perfectly clear, “What is going on in my head” is nothing more than what goes on in any male’s head. I have a track record of just not dealing well with it. Still this falls in the bounds of normal behavior, not ideal but normal. Never the less it’s a nightmare in my head. I hate this. I do not want that stuff in my head anymore. Still, after all these years, the only way I know to be free of it is to do it.
I am still no closer to relief from the obsession. Every once in a while I think I have an idea of what might be the cause and actually I may be right. The problem is, is I think the cause is so hardwired into my being that having any type of impact on it is like filling up the ocean (any ocean really, say the pacific) on drop at a second. I ran the math on this and to have any impact on my “hard wiring” would take 5.18102E+17 years The Universe is 13.8 billion years old. So I could possibly have an impact on this in about 37 million, 543 thousand, 608.45 Universe ages from now. Okay, the time is incomprehensible. The closest I’ve come at the problem is that this obsession and compulsion is a way to deal with my shame and anxiety and trying to rewire myself to get that shame and anxiety into some type of manageable level, a level where by I don’t cope with it by eating, sexing, drinking, or spending seems somewhat daunting.
At this point, I have no choice but to bring in this thing called a higher power or what some people call God. A God that loves me. Uh. . . Yeah. . . Okay. . . This might be somewhat more doable than the time necessary to get rid of my shame and anxiety.
I’m still really fucking scared. . .
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of everything.
