He kept turning around to see if anybody was there. From time to time he would stop and look around but no one, not a soul. The last two days were incredibly devoid of other people. All there seemed to be, were him, the path, the rain, and his thoughts. And his thoughts he could do without.
It had to have been around 180 days now since he heard the words, "I want you to leave, I want you to go and not come back." He asked if he ever could. She said she didn't know. So he left. Around 60 days after leaving, he realized that there was no recognizable trail, path, or road back. He would never see or realize that part of his life again.
Two days ago he had ventured up one of the tall cliffs that skirted that path he walked. The climb was difficult but not impossible. He wanted to see if he could at least see the sun. It had probably been 180 days since he had last seen the sun. As he thought about it, he realized that not once had the sun shone through the clouds, let alone at all.
As he climbed the fog thickened but he seemed to be able to find foot holds even in the reduced visibility. His cloths were soaked from sweat and rain. They were torn so bad he really didn't know why he was wearing his shirt anymore. As continued his climb he attained the final rip in his shirt that rendered it completely useless. He took it off and threw it out into the open air. He watch it whirl around and slip into the thickness of the fog below and then continued the ascent.
As got closer to the top. It became brighter and brighter. There was a sun in this strange land. He wasn't even sure he was on the planet anymore as he thought about the concept of "the sun" "This doesn't even really seem like earth anymore." It got brighter. Finally it got so bright that the fog was so lit up and the glare was so bad he could no longer see the next foot hold. He froze then looked down. For a while he couldn't make out any foot holds below. Panic ensued. He started to shake and his knees became weak. His heart rate and breathing rate increased until he closed his eyes and forced himself to relax. He opened his eyes as he looked down. Finally he could just make out one of the foot holds he had just used. He slowly and carefully lowered himself down onto it. As he began to put his full weight onto the out cropping of rocks, they gave way and he clawed desperately at the rock only to realize he was clawing at the fog and it was getting darker and darker. He watched the cliff disappear the brightly lit fog grow dim and felt the rush of air as he accelerated back toward the ground. He thought, Thank you God. It is over!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Off to the Sunday night AA meeting
To night we talked about the fifth step. The fifth step is where you admit to yourself, God, and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. And what are your wrongs you might ask. Well your wrongs you got from step four where you made a searching and fearless moral inventory of your defects of character. I was surprised to find that I actually had defects of characther LOL!!! Not really. I had plenty. The first time I did a fifth step it wasn't too bad the second time, whoa! I felt like shit. This is not really the intent of the fifth step. The fifth step is intended to get you closer to your higher power, God, Budha, what ever. Any way, I gotta do another fifth step well actually forth step first then fifth step.
Driving up I-17 early Saturday Morning
This is a picture of the sun through a bug splattered windshield through smokey air.
Sunday Morning
Went to church this morning. I have met some really nice people there but it still turns me off for some reason. I think it is the whole judgement thing. In church we do a group prayer. Our spiritual lead believes in only praying for thanks. I guess I kind of have to agree with that. Anyway I prayed that I was grateful nobody was hurt and that there was only superficial property damage with a friend of mine who experienced an accident.
I have a pretty bad head ache right now. I think it is because I haven't had coffee in the last 24 hours and I have been crying for the last hour and a half.
I went to the grocery store bought my standard fair of six apples, a package of string cheese, some grapefruit juice, some bananas, cereal, and some other junk. As I was there I was putting stuff in the shopping cart and I thought of when I would take my three boys to the grocery store and put them all in the cart. Just like that the what ever it is that has kept me from falling to pieces went away. Right there in the grocery store I lost it.
It feels like I am trying to pretend that my world is not a world of shit that I live in. Every once in a while the whole thing comes crashing through - the reality of the situation. It is so fucking painful I just want to die. I would like to talk to her so desperately but I know that I can't; all I can do is just sit here and take it; try to deal with it as best I can. This is one fucking lonely time in my life.
The high light of my week is Sunday evening when I go to my AA meeting and I see her.
I have a pretty bad head ache right now. I think it is because I haven't had coffee in the last 24 hours and I have been crying for the last hour and a half.
I went to the grocery store bought my standard fair of six apples, a package of string cheese, some grapefruit juice, some bananas, cereal, and some other junk. As I was there I was putting stuff in the shopping cart and I thought of when I would take my three boys to the grocery store and put them all in the cart. Just like that the what ever it is that has kept me from falling to pieces went away. Right there in the grocery store I lost it.
It feels like I am trying to pretend that my world is not a world of shit that I live in. Every once in a while the whole thing comes crashing through - the reality of the situation. It is so fucking painful I just want to die. I would like to talk to her so desperately but I know that I can't; all I can do is just sit here and take it; try to deal with it as best I can. This is one fucking lonely time in my life.
The high light of my week is Sunday evening when I go to my AA meeting and I see her.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Shame on me!
So the last several posts have been kind of like a story of metaphores for the journey I am on. When I started out it seemed kind of cool. Now, not so much. I look back at it as kind of foolish and I am kind of embarassed. I mean I would never dream of showing my wife this stuff. She would roll her eyes and get pissed because I am wasting my time. I would feel shame like I am beginning to now. Just thinking about the fact that I wrote this stuff - that I took the time to write this stuff makes me feel shame.
When he awoke that following morning the rain had stopped but it was still cloudy; an overcast covered the sky. He opened his eyes and laid on his side and looked out at the beautifully green country side. His first thought was remembering what it was like to wake up behind his wife with his arm around her stomach. The comforting warmth. The rythmic movements of her body as she inhaled and exhaled. The peacefulness, the comfort, the serenity, he knew it was special then and he was afraid of loosing it. Now, here he was; that kind of comfort was gone. He wondered if he would ever feel that again in his life or was he just destined to continue this journey in the rain.
There didn't seem to be as many rocks on the path this morning. He started back down what appeared to be the path. And then he thought of the girl. What had happened to her? As he walked he kept looking around and hoping.
There didn't seem to be as many rocks on the path this morning. He started back down what appeared to be the path. And then he thought of the girl. What had happened to her? As he walked he kept looking around and hoping.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I can't believe this is happening to me is all he could think. He thought back and remembered:
He remembered going to dinner at Willie G's on the 16th street mall. How they would talk and enjoy each other's company. He remembered the last time they. . . and then the crash of thunder and the rain came down in sheets.
He hid in a hole in one of the bigger rocks. Part of the rock protruded out over the opening and sheltered him from the rain. It was warm inside the rock for some reason. He laid down. As he closed his eyes he saw their faces. He wanted to go back to be with them but the choices he had made would not allow that, for now.
It was comfortable in the hole in the rock. The drone of the rain was hypnotic. He listened to the rain as it seemed to become more and more muffled. He was completely in the dark. There was no change in the light when he closed his eyes. He had nothing but he was warm. He realized it didn't show up today but the girl did. He thought of the girl and a feeling of hope came over him as the rain lulled him gently to sleep.
He remembered going to dinner at Willie G's on the 16th street mall. How they would talk and enjoy each other's company. He remembered the last time they. . . and then the crash of thunder and the rain came down in sheets.
He hid in a hole in one of the bigger rocks. Part of the rock protruded out over the opening and sheltered him from the rain. It was warm inside the rock for some reason. He laid down. As he closed his eyes he saw their faces. He wanted to go back to be with them but the choices he had made would not allow that, for now.
It was comfortable in the hole in the rock. The drone of the rain was hypnotic. He listened to the rain as it seemed to become more and more muffled. He was completely in the dark. There was no change in the light when he closed his eyes. He had nothing but he was warm. He realized it didn't show up today but the girl did. He thought of the girl and a feeling of hope came over him as the rain lulled him gently to sleep.
The rain fell harder and it was starting to get dark.
All of the sudden from a distance behind, "Where are you from?" she yelled
He turned around, startled. "What?" he yelled back. He could barely hear her over the rain. He made out the shape throught the rain and the fog. She had on a raincoat this time. But it was definitely her. He could tell by her voice.
"I said, where did you come from?" she said as she stopped climbing over a road that had turned into a path that had then turned into large rocks and small boulders. She cupped her hands around her mouth to direct the sound toward him.
The rain instensified, the fog thickened and then she was gone again. Not hidden by the rain and the fog, but gone. He was left in a panic. He wanted to run. but run where. He wanted to scream but to who. There was no time and there was no place. He realized he seemed to be in no time and no place just in the middle of an incredibly rocky path, in the cold wet rain as darkness settled in.
Just then he figured out what she asked. Right after that he figured out that he didn't have the answer. He wondered if he would hear from her again.
"Stay focused." he thought.
All of the sudden from a distance behind, "Where are you from?" she yelled
He turned around, startled. "What?" he yelled back. He could barely hear her over the rain. He made out the shape throught the rain and the fog. She had on a raincoat this time. But it was definitely her. He could tell by her voice.
"I said, where did you come from?" she said as she stopped climbing over a road that had turned into a path that had then turned into large rocks and small boulders. She cupped her hands around her mouth to direct the sound toward him.
The rain instensified, the fog thickened and then she was gone again. Not hidden by the rain and the fog, but gone. He was left in a panic. He wanted to run. but run where. He wanted to scream but to who. There was no time and there was no place. He realized he seemed to be in no time and no place just in the middle of an incredibly rocky path, in the cold wet rain as darkness settled in.
Just then he figured out what she asked. Right after that he figured out that he didn't have the answer. He wondered if he would hear from her again.
"Stay focused." he thought.
"Listen, I just have to get away for awhile." She said in kind of a desperate tone."
Get away from who?" he asked."
Get away from the people I am traveling with. Sometimes I don't think he's safe."
An icicle of pain shot through him. He winced. She couldn't see it. She didn't know but he did.
He knew what he had done. That's why he was out here in the rain - the interminable rain. He wondered if she was out here because she had to be or was she hiding. He knew he had no choice. He wondered if she would get to that place of where traveling in the rain would no longer be a choice for her.
It hurt him to hear her speak of being abused. He was a perpetrator of emotional abuse. And it was for this he had been banished. And now here was this person out here in the rain wanting to walk and talk with him for awhile. Never-the-less, the shame in his heart swelled. He felt bad for her and looked to her as yet another instructor.
"Stay focused." he thought. "Keep your eye on the path. Don't get distracted." He had done enough stumbling and falling to last him a lifetime. He no longer had the luxury of "going along for the ride." "Stay focused."
He looked straight ahead with an aire of determination. A rain drop slid down his nose and clung to the end as he surveyed what lay ahead. The mist had now turned to rain. She was gone.
Get away from who?" he asked."
Get away from the people I am traveling with. Sometimes I don't think he's safe."
An icicle of pain shot through him. He winced. She couldn't see it. She didn't know but he did.
He knew what he had done. That's why he was out here in the rain - the interminable rain. He wondered if she was out here because she had to be or was she hiding. He knew he had no choice. He wondered if she would get to that place of where traveling in the rain would no longer be a choice for her.
It hurt him to hear her speak of being abused. He was a perpetrator of emotional abuse. And it was for this he had been banished. And now here was this person out here in the rain wanting to walk and talk with him for awhile. Never-the-less, the shame in his heart swelled. He felt bad for her and looked to her as yet another instructor.
"Stay focused." he thought. "Keep your eye on the path. Don't get distracted." He had done enough stumbling and falling to last him a lifetime. He no longer had the luxury of "going along for the ride." "Stay focused."
He looked straight ahead with an aire of determination. A rain drop slid down his nose and clung to the end as he surveyed what lay ahead. The mist had now turned to rain. She was gone.
That morning, as he set out, there was a light mist and it was a bit foggy. Through the fog he could see the outline of a person. Right away he recognized that it was her. It looked like they would be heading in the same direction again today. He was happy about that. She didn't seem to mind either.
It occurred to him on this grey morning that he no longer knew where he was going. He no longer had a destination. Out of the several destinations he thought he might go to, he had come to understand that none of them existed any more. They had all been destroyed in the flood.
She on the other hand seemed to be heading somewhere. He couldn’t figure out where and she wouldn’t tell. In fact, he wasn't sure that she was sure she knew where she was going. One thing seemed clear was that she didn't like where she was. He was careful not to pry. That was her business. All he knew is that the conversation was pleasant and the road didn’t seem so lonely on this cold and damp day.
As he thought about her situation he realized that that is what had started him on his journey; He didn't like where he was. Once again, he only knew that something wasn't quite right. He knew if he had continued in that same direction whatever disaster awaited him would be much worse than anything that might happen if he decided to leave that trail. So he left. That was a long time ago.
It actually took him a long time to leave. He kept going back. Everytime he would re-join the main party, he invariably ended up pissing and moaning about how they were heading in the wrong direction until they finally kicked him out of the group.
One day after making another attempt to leave, he went to where he thought they should be but no one was there. He ran up the path a couple of miles; didn't see a soul. He ran back the other way, still no one. He tried to return several times thereafter but everytime there was no one to be found. Either they had taken a different way or they were all hiding from him. He suspected a little of both. He understood though; Even he was getting sick of his own bitching and complaining.
Finally, after he realized what had happened he set out in the direction that seemed the clearest. Unfortunately, even the direction that seemed to be the way was quite rough and actually not that clear. As he traveled farther down the road he began to meet people heading the same direction. Every person that he began traveling down the road with had one thing in common; they didn't know where they were going.
Also, as he got farther down the road, the signs along the way began to diminish, the ones that were there were broken and sometimes they seemed to point in the wrong direction. He would come across many people that were crossing his path. In fact several times they would accompany him for a while and then they would have to take the other fork in the road. All of these people seemed so prepared with the latest navigational equipment like GPS functional cell phones, the latest maps, Goretex jackets, waterproof hiking boots, the best back packs, etc. etc. etc.. All he had was this stupid blue book that described the way and was written by, as the lore went, a couple of guys that were the first ones to take the trip. They documented the trip very carefully in the blue book.
He wondered if this was the way to be going, why was it so poorly marked? The road wasn't even a road for God's sake. I mean, you could see remenants of where a road had been which offered a comforting clue that you weren't as lost as you thought you were. But most of the way you had to push away the rock, cut through the brush, and clear away the wreckage from previous adventures. He realized why this was so; Not too many people went this way.
He didn't know how long they would accompany each other down the path but she was the first new person he'd seen in about six months.
He was happy there was a new face and some new conversation. And so they headed down the winding wet dirt road talking to each other while the mist soaked through their cloths on that grey damp Wednesday morning
It occurred to him on this grey morning that he no longer knew where he was going. He no longer had a destination. Out of the several destinations he thought he might go to, he had come to understand that none of them existed any more. They had all been destroyed in the flood.
She on the other hand seemed to be heading somewhere. He couldn’t figure out where and she wouldn’t tell. In fact, he wasn't sure that she was sure she knew where she was going. One thing seemed clear was that she didn't like where she was. He was careful not to pry. That was her business. All he knew is that the conversation was pleasant and the road didn’t seem so lonely on this cold and damp day.
As he thought about her situation he realized that that is what had started him on his journey; He didn't like where he was. Once again, he only knew that something wasn't quite right. He knew if he had continued in that same direction whatever disaster awaited him would be much worse than anything that might happen if he decided to leave that trail. So he left. That was a long time ago.
It actually took him a long time to leave. He kept going back. Everytime he would re-join the main party, he invariably ended up pissing and moaning about how they were heading in the wrong direction until they finally kicked him out of the group.
One day after making another attempt to leave, he went to where he thought they should be but no one was there. He ran up the path a couple of miles; didn't see a soul. He ran back the other way, still no one. He tried to return several times thereafter but everytime there was no one to be found. Either they had taken a different way or they were all hiding from him. He suspected a little of both. He understood though; Even he was getting sick of his own bitching and complaining.
Finally, after he realized what had happened he set out in the direction that seemed the clearest. Unfortunately, even the direction that seemed to be the way was quite rough and actually not that clear. As he traveled farther down the road he began to meet people heading the same direction. Every person that he began traveling down the road with had one thing in common; they didn't know where they were going.
Also, as he got farther down the road, the signs along the way began to diminish, the ones that were there were broken and sometimes they seemed to point in the wrong direction. He would come across many people that were crossing his path. In fact several times they would accompany him for a while and then they would have to take the other fork in the road. All of these people seemed so prepared with the latest navigational equipment like GPS functional cell phones, the latest maps, Goretex jackets, waterproof hiking boots, the best back packs, etc. etc. etc.. All he had was this stupid blue book that described the way and was written by, as the lore went, a couple of guys that were the first ones to take the trip. They documented the trip very carefully in the blue book.
He wondered if this was the way to be going, why was it so poorly marked? The road wasn't even a road for God's sake. I mean, you could see remenants of where a road had been which offered a comforting clue that you weren't as lost as you thought you were. But most of the way you had to push away the rock, cut through the brush, and clear away the wreckage from previous adventures. He realized why this was so; Not too many people went this way.
He didn't know how long they would accompany each other down the path but she was the first new person he'd seen in about six months.
He was happy there was a new face and some new conversation. And so they headed down the winding wet dirt road talking to each other while the mist soaked through their cloths on that grey damp Wednesday morning
Sometimes my breath
is taken away when I realize the magnitude of my lose. I am looking at something I can't quite fully comprehend. However, I do get glimpses and those glimpses are terrifying. The glimpses take my breath away almost like a cut to my gut. Once the air begins to return to my lungs the picture of horror is so immense that I have to turn away. I am left with this sense of emptiness. I want something to fill it. The only thing I can put there is God.
The situation is so overwhelming
It is omnipresent. It seems to have become a part of my being. It permeates everything I think.
and now for something completely different
As I sit here doing my drawings I am listening to Faithless' "The Garden" and "Sunday 8PM" They are very nice instrumental pieces. All the other stuff on the album 8PM is kind of Rap like. But these two I really really like. I am ruminating on them, I think. The music I listen to becomes a marker for a particular time in my life. I think these two pieces will become markers for this time along with a variety of other music. I am looking for new music to replace 16 years of music. - Think I'll put this on my blog.
and now for something completely different
As I sit here doing my drawings I am listening to Faithless' "The Garden" and "Sunday 8PM" They are very nice instrumental pieces. All the other stuff on the album 8PM is kind of Rap like. But these two I really really like. I am ruminating on them, I think. The music I listen to becomes a marker for a particular time in my life. I think these two pieces will become markers for this time along with a variety of other music. I am looking for new music to replace 16 years of music. - Think I'll put this on my blog.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
My ears are on fire
My ears are burning up. In fact, my ears and my eye lids are on fire. I mean they are really hot for some reason. This happens to me from time to time so I put water on my eye lids and ears to cool them down. I wish I knew what was going on with this. I have talked to a lot of doctors. They do not know.
Monday, May 29, 2006
On 12 Step
How has 12 step programs helped me personnally?
This is an essay question, isn't it? Is there partial credit?
Okay, enough with being a smart ass. As I said in the comments, 12 step programs have helped me to become more spiritual. This is what 12 step programs are all about becoming spiritual. Alcoholics Anonymous is a "spiritual program of action." This really turns a lot of people off. But I was at my wits end. So, me being an atheist decided that I needed to disspence with the arrogance and consider spirtuallity as a possible solution. Notice I say spirtuallity and not religion, Jesus Christ, Budha, Reverend Jim Jones, Big Bad Bob the Albino, or any cult or anything like that.
Prior to this I thought all that God stuff Budha stuff and the like was for the weak minded. However, I now look at it in a different light. Here is my reasoning:
The 12 step program is a way of dealing with addiction to Alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. I believe my addiction stems from anxiety, fear, loneliness, and/or psychological pain in general. I believe this psychological pain comes from the uncertainty of survival. In other words, I am literally afraid for my life. For me, every pain I have can be traced back to my fear for survival.
The way I calm this fear is to drink, drug, have sex, you name it. In these conditions, I literally gain serenity. That's what you get when drink, That's what I get when I have sex, especially after. In fact, that's what I get when I am accepted by that very special someone who I believe is the answer to my dreams, who makes me feel needed, who makes me feel loved. When I don't have this, my survival is in question.
I understand that my survival depends on my ability to produce at work. Well, what if I don't like my work. That's kind of a problem. The other thing is that my ability to produce at work is subject to opinion. Do the people that sign my paycheck value the work I do. All these things kind of come into play. Add to this that I was told from the time I was born that I was a worthless shit and a dumb bastard. So right off the bat, I don't believe I have the ability to produce. I don't believe I have value to other people. But it is through other people that my survival depends on. This is a lot of fucking pain to deal with. I think I'll have a drink. I think I'll see a prostitute. - or whatever. Once I do this I get some sense of "everything being okay" for a little while. This sense of "everything being okay." is almost euphoric compared to the standard, "I have no right to be alive." or "at any moment my life is going to go into the shitter." I learn very quickly that Alcohol, drugs, sex makes me feel okay in this very uncertain world.
The spirtuallity aspect tells us that in a very natural way, all of us will be cared for. Once you gain a "visceral" understanding of this you then get the same thing that you got artificially through seeing prostitutes, having the nice car, taking drugs, buying lots of stuff, eating, or what ever.
The thing of it is, is that "ALL OF US WILL BE CARED FOR BY A HIGHER POWER" as long as we work this spiritual program of action. Yes, it is contingent on you working the program, the 12 steps. I have found this to be true so far. I must have faith though.
To me when I first heard this I thought that this kind of sounds like "motherhood and apple pie" and crap like that. But I am finding that this is the case - when I work the program. Because it is when I work the program that I can then really start to believe on a very basic/fundamental level that everything will be okay. So there is no need to fuck over my neighbor. There is no need to be disrespectful to women. There is no "need" to have the nicest car. There is no need to send my kids to "the best schools" in order to keep up with the Dasouza's (My wife's neighbors) No, everything is fine just as it is.
Okay, I am not there yet. Very few of us are but this is my goal. I have seen glimpses of this. I have had real tangible experiences with this to know that this is what I definitely need to be doing. This is why when my wife says, I want everything you have and I do not want you to have any type of a life after our divorce, I say in responce, I will try to meet you as closely on this as I possibly can. I know that what she wants is not in line with spiritual principles and I know that I will be taken care of. What happens to her and what she ultimately gets is her own business. But mine is that, after all is said and done, as long as I am working my program I will be happy.
It is for all of this that I am truely grateful. I really am. I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain these last few days - this last weekend, even for several hours today. Never-the-less, I feel good, I feel content. Everything in my life right now is okay. It is fine. I live in a wonderful house, have an excellent roommate, just had coffee and excellent conversation with two wonderful friends at Macy's, listened to some excellent music, came home and wrote this - was inspired to write this to a wonderful beautiful person - you know who you are. And all is well. I am grateful. Thank you God.
It is through 12 step that I am understanding gratitude and how absolutely wonderful gratitude can be. Six months ago, I so did not get it! I will say though that all the seeds had been planted by that time. That's is what 12 step has done for me personally It has allowed me to believe for at the very least brief periods of time that every thing will be okay and therefore I do not need to seek the services of a prostitute or a 12 pack of beer hit of crack to "feel like every thing will be okay." It's much better than that; I know everything will be okay!
Join us for our next episode when we confront the question:
This is an essay question, isn't it? Is there partial credit?
Okay, enough with being a smart ass. As I said in the comments, 12 step programs have helped me to become more spiritual. This is what 12 step programs are all about becoming spiritual. Alcoholics Anonymous is a "spiritual program of action." This really turns a lot of people off. But I was at my wits end. So, me being an atheist decided that I needed to disspence with the arrogance and consider spirtuallity as a possible solution. Notice I say spirtuallity and not religion, Jesus Christ, Budha, Reverend Jim Jones, Big Bad Bob the Albino, or any cult or anything like that.
Prior to this I thought all that God stuff Budha stuff and the like was for the weak minded. However, I now look at it in a different light. Here is my reasoning:
The 12 step program is a way of dealing with addiction to Alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. I believe my addiction stems from anxiety, fear, loneliness, and/or psychological pain in general. I believe this psychological pain comes from the uncertainty of survival. In other words, I am literally afraid for my life. For me, every pain I have can be traced back to my fear for survival.
The way I calm this fear is to drink, drug, have sex, you name it. In these conditions, I literally gain serenity. That's what you get when drink, That's what I get when I have sex, especially after. In fact, that's what I get when I am accepted by that very special someone who I believe is the answer to my dreams, who makes me feel needed, who makes me feel loved. When I don't have this, my survival is in question.
I understand that my survival depends on my ability to produce at work. Well, what if I don't like my work. That's kind of a problem. The other thing is that my ability to produce at work is subject to opinion. Do the people that sign my paycheck value the work I do. All these things kind of come into play. Add to this that I was told from the time I was born that I was a worthless shit and a dumb bastard. So right off the bat, I don't believe I have the ability to produce. I don't believe I have value to other people. But it is through other people that my survival depends on. This is a lot of fucking pain to deal with. I think I'll have a drink. I think I'll see a prostitute. - or whatever. Once I do this I get some sense of "everything being okay" for a little while. This sense of "everything being okay." is almost euphoric compared to the standard, "I have no right to be alive." or "at any moment my life is going to go into the shitter." I learn very quickly that Alcohol, drugs, sex makes me feel okay in this very uncertain world.
The spirtuallity aspect tells us that in a very natural way, all of us will be cared for. Once you gain a "visceral" understanding of this you then get the same thing that you got artificially through seeing prostitutes, having the nice car, taking drugs, buying lots of stuff, eating, or what ever.
The thing of it is, is that "ALL OF US WILL BE CARED FOR BY A HIGHER POWER" as long as we work this spiritual program of action. Yes, it is contingent on you working the program, the 12 steps. I have found this to be true so far. I must have faith though.
To me when I first heard this I thought that this kind of sounds like "motherhood and apple pie" and crap like that. But I am finding that this is the case - when I work the program. Because it is when I work the program that I can then really start to believe on a very basic/fundamental level that everything will be okay. So there is no need to fuck over my neighbor. There is no need to be disrespectful to women. There is no "need" to have the nicest car. There is no need to send my kids to "the best schools" in order to keep up with the Dasouza's (My wife's neighbors) No, everything is fine just as it is.
Okay, I am not there yet. Very few of us are but this is my goal. I have seen glimpses of this. I have had real tangible experiences with this to know that this is what I definitely need to be doing. This is why when my wife says, I want everything you have and I do not want you to have any type of a life after our divorce, I say in responce, I will try to meet you as closely on this as I possibly can. I know that what she wants is not in line with spiritual principles and I know that I will be taken care of. What happens to her and what she ultimately gets is her own business. But mine is that, after all is said and done, as long as I am working my program I will be happy.
It is for all of this that I am truely grateful. I really am. I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain these last few days - this last weekend, even for several hours today. Never-the-less, I feel good, I feel content. Everything in my life right now is okay. It is fine. I live in a wonderful house, have an excellent roommate, just had coffee and excellent conversation with two wonderful friends at Macy's, listened to some excellent music, came home and wrote this - was inspired to write this to a wonderful beautiful person - you know who you are. And all is well. I am grateful. Thank you God.
It is through 12 step that I am understanding gratitude and how absolutely wonderful gratitude can be. Six months ago, I so did not get it! I will say though that all the seeds had been planted by that time. That's is what 12 step has done for me personally It has allowed me to believe for at the very least brief periods of time that every thing will be okay and therefore I do not need to seek the services of a prostitute or a 12 pack of beer hit of crack to "feel like every thing will be okay." It's much better than that; I know everything will be okay!
Join us for our next episode when we confront the question:
"Who is this "God" person anyway?"
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