Alright, Okay,

I love you, bye.

so said the guy to his wife in the cube next to me as he ended his conversation with her. I used to do that with my wife. FUCK! This pain makes it almost impossible to breath sometimes.

I think the word "fuck" can be a most excellent expressive sound. The enunciation of the "eff" sound and the "ck" sound can be most satisfying.

Oh yea, and the "uh" in the middle has that sound of total bewilderment as in "uuuuhhhhhh"

I blink my eyes

and the moment's over. I guess another day has passed.

Do Not Worry

I ain't no bible thumper but I play one on TV. No, I am not a bible thumper. However, I happened upon this and it appealled to me. As opposed to your standard fire and brimstone bullshit.

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.
23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.
24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!
25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.

31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

From the Little Dudes!

It had been 2 weeks since he'd last had anything to eat. The first couple of days he hurt quite a bit. He was really hungry. After that though he started to feel much better almost euphoric. He seemed to have a lot of energy. He seemed to be in better spirits. He was amazed at the agility with which he climbed the cliff.

However, now he was starting to loose it. He looked down from his chest on down to his feet. He was barefoot now. His shoes had completed their disipation in the last several days. They were no longer. All that he had was his shreded pants and underware. As he looked down he saw not an ounce of fat. When he started out he weighed almost 200 lbs. He was only 5'6". He was overweight and felt it. Now as he looked down at his body, he saw nothing but strength and determination. His body no longer seemed like his anymore. It was as if he had been driving an old 1980 chevette and now he was at the throttle of a new Ford Mustang with a V-8 4.6 liter engine. He felt like he had command of 300 Hp at his disposal except now he had no fuel.

He could feel the hunger and he was becoming very lethargic. He looked ahead where he thought the path lead. It certainly appeared to go only one way and that way was down the guantlet. To the left and to the right lay two huge cliffs, neither of of which were scalable - at least not in his condition. Down the center was plush green forest. It was misty and cool but not chilling. The air felt good to him. But he could feel the lack of energy. In the distance he could see smoke and with it hope.

He knew he had to go.

"I'm going," he said. "I have to get going." He was still shaking from the fall. He couldn't believe there was a lake underneath of him. He didn't remember one being there but then he hadn't been paying attention. This seemed to preoccupy him. "Where'd the lake come from? Certainly, I would have noticed it!"

"I've gotta get going. Come along if you want but I've got to get going." he repeated.

"But where are you going?" she asked.

"You know? I haven't given it that much thought." He paused, furrowed his eyebrowes as he looked into the distance and then said, "I am going out of the rain. I need to get out of this fucking rain. Is that alright with you?"

"Well you don't have to get pissy about it!" she snapped back at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm just sick of the rain." He tried to reconcile.

All he could think was that he was terribly lonely and really scared and "Where'd the lake come from?" He had no idea where he was. He had no idea what was going on. But he seemed to be on the path and heading somewhere for a purpose. And so he walked and so she walked with him, back into the mist, back into the rain.

She had lost her tolerance for "pissyness" and left.

"But, wait!" he said.

She disappeared.

"Did it again." he thought. "Did it again. "

I work in the second building from the bottom lower left corner of that building.

I have to say this really scared the shit out of me. When I walked out of the building and saw the plume of smoke towering into the sky it once again made me realize how instantly one's life can change. Relative to what I do for a living, this is the only place I can work in this town - period. I would have to leave the state. There are other places in this state but there is no way in hell I'd live in those places.

The fires are contained, I think. But, they are still active. There were actually three different fires yesterday. One of them happened to be right next to where I work - shown in the pictures.

I used to live in Colorado. A couple of years ago they had a fire called the Hayman fire. (Started near Hayman lake or something like that) As one point the fire was spreading at a rate of a mile a minute or 60 mph, I think. Trees just exploded into flames. Yesterday I saw this happen I tried to ride my bike one way out of here only to find one of the road blocked. I could see the fire at that point and there was a tree by the edge of the road, the whole thing; burst into flames all at once! I couldn't believe what I was looking at.

Then as I rode through town, it was kind of like a ghost town. I went to my therapist's house because we were going to have group therapy but she was packing up her stuff to vacate. The wind was blowing away from her house but she was worried about a wind shift. It kind of disturbed me emmensly. This with all the other crap that is falling down I mean going on in my life.

A really bad day

I am having a really


really



really



bad day.

It's like everything was pulled out from under me. I feel like the coyote just after he runs off the cliff and looks down, but right before he plummets to the canyon floor below. Accept I don't have my sign that says "Help!" or even "Bye!"

I had this dream before I woke up. It was that my wife and I had decided to get back together. We met back at the house and it was as if we were both getting back from taking very long trips. But it seemed like each of us were only gone for maybe a week or so. That was the extent of our seperation. (As I right this I can't stop the tears from dripping down my fucking face onto the keyboard)

We got back and were putting stuff away and she started talking about this guy that she had to call off a date with. She said that she almost had sex with him. They had gone out dancing and drinking to this really nice place. She decided to go to a motel with him. It was her and a friend and then two guys; one of the guys being the one she was going to go to the motel with. The motel turned out to be a really sleazy place so she didn't follow through. She went home instead. Then some how we came back together (have no idea how)

Then the dream turned into her having to tell this guy that she did not want to date him anymore because she had decided to stay with me. She told this guy. I met him. I felt really sorry for this guy and did not feel like I deserved to be back with her. Never-the-less I was still really happy. I was so happy we were back together. And then I woke up. My day has been hell ever since. My thoughts at times are: "I want to just fucking die!!!! I mean I really want to fucking die!!!"

This pain is overwhelming like a flood.

I hope I am done crying for bit - self care complete must get back to work

Out in the middle of the desert where the land swells above 7000 ft. and then shoots skyward to 12,000 ft., is a huge forest of ponderosa pine trees. It is an oasis. It shoots up out of the desert like an island shoots up out of the sea. It is there that they met. She 52; he 42. Neither of them attracted to each other in any particular way other than an immense impenetrable friendship. Neither of them wanting anything from the other except to hear the other’s voice in the dark void through which they walked. Here they found themselves clinging to each other as if they were stranded in the middle of the ocean.

Andy did you hear about this one?
Andy are you locked in the punch?
Andy are you goofin on Elvis, Hey baby?
Are we loosin touch?

Ah, well,

Nothing like burning the shit out of you tongue first thing in the morning with a nice pipeing hot cup of coffee on a day where temps are going to sore into the low 120's.

I've been in this situation with two women now.

My wife and the woman, Mary, before. This song always makes me cry.

Many too Many have stood where I stand
Many more will stand here too
The thing that I find strange is the way
you built me up and knocked me down again

The part was fun but now it's over
Why can't I just leave the stage
Maybe that's because you securely locked me up
and threw away the key

Oh mama please would you find the key
Oh pretty mama please won't you let me go free
I thought I was lucky
I thought that I'd got it made
How could I be so blind

We said good-bye on a corner
That I thought led to the straight.
You set me on a firmly laid and simple course
Then removed the road.

Oh mama,
Please help me find my way.
Oh pretty mama,
Please lead me through the next day.
I thought I was lucky
Oh I thought that I'd got it made.
How could I be so blind? Oh no...


A note on crying men.

No matter which way you slice it, a woman will not want to be with a man that cry's. The first rule of courting for men is, Never, Never, let a woman see you cry! I think that they will tell you, "Oh I think when a man cries it shows strength." and all that crap! But once a man cries in front a woman that woman will never think of him as being a "real" mate for them. All the sudden that man becomes their really good "gay" friend.

The Wind Whispers

Hendrix

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on down the street
Footsteps dressed in red
And the wind whispers mary
A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterdays life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries mary
The traffic lights, they turn, uh, blue tomorrow
And shine their emptiness down on my bed
The tiny island sags down stream
cause the life that lived is,
Is dead
And the wind screams mary
Uh-will the wind ever remember
The names it has blow in the past?
And with this crutch, its old age, and its wisdom
It whispers no, this will be the last
And the wind cries mary

Yes I live in Cube Land

But it is a good kind of cube land. It's not like the typical cold and sterile environment that besets most cubed out office areas

Constant reminders

The guy in cube next to me talks to his wife on the phone from time to time, You know? No big deal. Except when he tells his wife that he loves her in that kind of more "intimate" tone in his voice. That's another thing that just drives a dagger through my chest and then heart.

Added: 10/01/09:

That guy is now my boss - actually has been since 10/13/09

Well, I woke up around 12:30

I guess I will try to get back to sleep.

Welcome

Home by the Sea
by GenesisCreeping up the blind side, shinning up the wall
Stealing thru the dark of night
Climbing thru a window, stepping to the floor
Checking to the left and the right
Picking up the pieces, putting them away
Something doesnt feel quite right

Help me someone, let me out of here
Then out of the dark was suddenly heard
Welcome to the home by the sea

Coming out the woodwork, thru the open door
Pushing from above and below
Shadows but no substance, in the shape of men
Round and down and sideways they go
Adrift without direction, eyes that hold despair
Then as one they sign and they moan

Help us someone, let us out of here
Living here so long undisturbed
Dreaming of the time we were free
So many years ago
Before the time when we first heard
Welcome to the home by the sea

You know what I can't stand

Is when I put on a shirt and I feel this excruciating fire like pain in my back. Then out from my shirt falls one of those fucking scorpions. The next four or five hours I am in pain and I just watch my skin around my back reacting to the poison as it makes its way around my abdomen. It kind of peters out as it gets to my chest and the pain lessens. I hate that!

Fwoosh!

A very brief departure into the other world was interupted by a nose full of, then a mouth full of, then lungs full of cold water. All around was the barely distinguishable outline of rock through what seemed to take him and eternity to figure out was blue grey of water. He was coughing and choking as his head popped above the water. He looked up and on the shore there she was watching - just looking at him as if she were a scientist observing a laboratory animal such as a rat fighting for his life. He began to tread the icy water and then began to swim to the shore. He pulled him self out almost at the point where she had been but no longer was. He crawled completely out head pounding out every beat his heart could make. His head ached sharply like when ice cream is eaten to quickly. The blood his brain had decreased severely in temperature. He rolled over on his back grabbed his head and rocked from side to side. The pain subsided and he slowly came to a stop. Finally he laid on his back looking up at the fog. It was getting dark and a cold rain began to fall. He closed his eyes and laid back in the mud. His last thought before he went to sleep was, "But God, you promised!"

All all all righty thennnnnn.