I've been at this awhile

I seemed to have been walking on this road waiting for the inevitable heart breaking disaster. I've been on it since 1990, well, actually since I was born but I think it became appearent around 1990. And it came into reality in 2004.

Funny thing about it though, when you accept the inevitable, that inevitable disaster that could happen any moment or a year, or a decade from now, somehow the load seems to be lifted a bit. The disaster seems to loose it's power.

Note for today

It really is that we can not and will never get back together. I have to
hold that idea close and hang on to it with every last fiber of my
constitution.

I still feel like a child. I am still a child.

I can't believe it's true

there are roads left in both of our shoes.

But there are. As long as we have the children between us - we will travel those roads. I hope we will be able to travel those roads together.

I'm looking in

on the good life, I might be doomed never to find.

Or maybe it is that I am in the good life and I just don't know it!?

Good luck to Liam

Off and running yesterday. I hope his journey is happy and peaceful.

Talked to the Ex Yesterday

The couple of days leading up to that were horrendous. I don't know why, but I felt like I was taking a final or a midterm in college - same type of anxiety. I was really afraid of her shaming me and all that stuff.

Things don't seem too bad today

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia and the Golden Ratio

An equation derived in 1994 connects the golden ratio to the Number of the Beast (666):[1]

Which can be combined into the expression:

666; it's everywhere you want to be:

What's the deal with the font, man!?

Future talk with ex-wife

First of all I need to say I am really afraid to have any type of conversation with you.

I would like to state one important boundary relative to this conversation that I hope you find reasonable:


1.) Please do not talk about expectations about what I should or should not or should have done, been done, or be doing. This gives me nothing but shame and may cause me to become very resentful and/or angry. And in some cases may result in the following side effects such as one, a combination of, or all of the following: hair loss, upset stomach, prolonged head aches, loss of sleep, neck pain, back pain, and/or partial immobility, nausea, paranoid delusional fantasy. And in very rare cases, hypersensitivity or allergic reaction to gas consisting of

Nitrogen: 78% (78 parts out of a hundred)Oxygen: 20% (21 parts out of a hundred)Carbon Dioxide: 0.03% (3 parts out of a thousand)Rare Gases (Helium, Argon, Krypton, Neon, Xenon and Radon together make up 0.97%)

Sometimes referred to as Air.

I remember when. . .

I remember when I was learning to Programming PLC's, She was there
I remember when I was learning AutoCad, she was there.
I remember when I was getting my masters in Engineering Management, she was there.
I remember when my mom died, she was there.
I remember when I was upset with how things were going at work, she was there
I remember when I was designing and building the fin coating machine, she was there.
I remember when Rob and I were into brewing beer, she was there.
I remember as Rob left for Minnieapolis, she was there.
I remember when I was friends with Bruce, she was there.
I remember when I went to Ballie's to work out, she was there.
I remember when I was really getting into programming computers, she was there.
Here I go, the spiral, down I go. I can't see through my tears.
I remember play eucher with Bruce and Mary, she was there, she was my partner.
I remember riding motorcycles to Telluride, she was there, she was my partner and would be my wife when we got back.
I remember buying my first house, she was there
I remember living at Craig's, she was there
I remember driving back to Ohio with her to meet my parents, she was there, she was my partner
I remember driving from Wadsworth to Pennsylvania listening to Susanne Vega, to visit her grandmother, she was there she was my partner.
I remember reading "Misery" by Stephen King, I remember going to see the movie with her.
I remember reading the Stand together.
This is too much, I need to stop now.

The Train

Man, I really love trains. And I really loved the trains in germany. I put a movie - kind of a bad movie - on the web of a train ride at night and at day. There is also a couple of views of a train station. The movie starts out at a train station in Praque, then in Dresden, then in Munich. The station is in Munich. Click on the "Die Bahn" logo above.

The God Box and the Pencil Box

I got this machine. It is called a "Laser Engraver" The machine can also cut complex shapes accurately. One of the things I have made with it is called a "God Box" It is a box with a hole in it but no lid. The idea is to write down something for which you are grateful or for which you want to turn over to God or your Higher Power or to the universe such as anger at someone for something they did to you. You then put the piece of paper in the hole in the God Box thereby turning it over to whom or what ever you believe you are tuning it over too.

I do this. It is really the ritual or rather the physical action of writing it down on the piece of paper and putting it in the box that helps me in my mental ability to actually "turn it over."

Anyway, here are some pictures of a God Box I made. On the sides of the box are things that I turned over. There are two pictures of my ex-wife engraved on the ends of the box and picture of my boys on the front and a picture of the flatirons of Boulder, CO of which I am letting go. I am not letting go of my boys per se, rather I am letting go of any control that I might have over them. They are in the "ex's" hands. It is really "the way it was" is what I am letting go of.







I also just made a pencil box. Yea Yea Yea, I know you could care less but this is what I have fun doing. I hope to be able to make money at it some day

My Name

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 4 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

popular in China?

My page seems to be popular in China. People visit this page from only one state in the United States and from several different provinces in China. That's it.

New Slang

Yes, I did not attend the Sunday meeting. I think it is healthy. I have to question what I am going to the meeting for. I am not so sure it is really in the true spirit of recovery. I get too much of either and emotional high or an emotional low depending on what the interaction between Carrie and I is like. So whatever it is that I am getting or not getting from Carrie, I should be getting from myself.

I am not seeing what is real. My brain is putting a spin on everything. Typically it is in the favor of: "Oh she, likes me. She wants to go out with me, yada yada yada." and on and on my brain goes. Sometimes I don't know where to draw the line between me and my mind.

Sunday morning I heard a song that I had not heard before: it is called "New Slang" by The Shins. It is kinda nonsensical to me. Some people feel it is about being dumped. I can kinda see how they get that. If this is the case the metaphores are way too cryptic to have any real tangible meaning to me. I think metaphores are to help the reader or listener to get the same kind of feeling that the author, writer and/or speaker/singer has. Anyway, I really love the tune and gee if it is about getting dumped then some of if applies to my ex and some of it applies to Carrie.

Gold Teeth and a curse for this town, were all in my mouth Only I don't know how, they got out dear. Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met. I was happier then with no mind-set. And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well. New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries. Hope it's right when you die, old and bony. Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall, Never should have called But my head's to the wall and i'm lonely. And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree And i'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well. God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs, And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away. I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find. Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine? And if you'd 'a took to me like Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

See what I mean?

God I hope it doesn't take me years to get rid of the obsession I have with her. The most depressing thing is that I never felt this way about my ex. The woman before her, Mary, I was obsessed with also. I was also obsessed with an English instructor in college, her name was Wendy.

Some days I feel so totally fucked. Today is one of them.

I have elected to stop going to that meeting because I really do belong in SLAA.

She goes to dinner with a friend every thursday night - a mutual friend - a woman. Every thrusday I hope she might call and invite me. "ouch!" I had a friend explain to me last night that what I have just done is to make the way I feel dependent on her. Wow!!!! and Ouch! but yes she is right. God, Help me please.

She is learning violin which really touches me. She minored in piano which touches me even further. I have this fantasy of having a girlfriend and sharing the interest of and participating in playing music together. I guess maybe she only came into my life to bring that realization to me.

So now I am going to commit to avoiding her which is actually pretty easy to do . All I have to do is just not go to the sunday meeting. However there are all kinds of behavioral things I need to stop and one is looking into oncoming traffic to see is I see her car. This will kill me and worse yet somebody else. I am fucking crazy. Beware - stay away.

Some days I feel so totally fucked. Today is one of them.

Oooops

I hate to say this but I have fallen for one of the women in one of my meetings. She is very friendly with me but I think she is friendly with everybody. I think my narcissism is a bit out of control. I thought when I got back from Christmas that she seemed be going out of her way to talk with me. She would ask me if I was going to be at next week’s meeting and would tell me that she wouldn’t have her son so she could pay more attention when talking to me.
Me; I put all this stuff together and think, “Oh she must be interested in me!” This, by the way is the first time in my life that I ever thought a women might be interested in me without my solicitation. This did not even happen with my ex-wife. I made a point to go down to the production floor to talk with her. (We met at work.) And, for the longest time it seemed that she would go to lunch with me because, well, hell it seemed better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

I have never before her, (her name is Carrie) or since thought that a woman was interested in me. I have only solicited three times with Mary, with my ex, and with you. What I mean by solicit is asking, “You wanna go to lunch?” or calling on the telephone.

So the first time I have this thought and act on it, I find out that I am wrong. I think I will go back into my shell.

On the last post

The last post was written on Friday the 2nd. Something was wrong with me. I felt "groundless." At least that is the way a friend describes it.

Fridays are kind of rough for me. Last friday was no exception. I ended up writhing in pain crying my eyes out squeezing the neck of my acoustic guitar. I can play really sad chords when I am in this state.

Right now I am in a hotel room in front of the convention center in New Orleans. Just walked around the french quarter. ooouuuu bad! bad! very bad! Sparks off the addiction big time.

Went on my dinner with a friend last thursday. She made sure it was not a date and that there was no more expectation than that. Well, of course there is. But I am stompping it down. I am sure I will be successful at smashing it but never-the-less I seem to be obsessing about it. uh her. She took my number and said she might call sometime. I am waiting for her call. She hasn't.

I can't stand this! I kind of, well, fucked myself on this one.

Alone

Sometimes when I am least expecting it or Sometimes when I know it can happen at anytime it still surprises me. The field breaks down around. All the things I think or believe to be true evaporate. There is nothing I can rely on. My life, the world, the universe becomes really strange and unfamiliar. It is like I was just dropped off here.