Three Meetings

And by the third, I agreed to give her everything.

In that place

It was at this place on this ground that would be the end of the line for one and a half million of them.

I hate the people who did this to them. I hate those people as much if not more than they hated the people they killed here. My hatred for them is fierce. It is ugly, it is vile. It smells like that of a corpse rotting in feces that feeds the maggots that turn into flies. It is putrid and rank this hate that I have for those people.

In the end I am no better or worse than the people that committed the attrocities over 60 years ago. My hatred makes me just like them. No different in anyway. The only difference is that I have not committed any of those attrocities.

I don't want all this hatred burning in me.
It's something from which it's so hard to be free.
And all of the tears that we cry in sorrow or rage
could make any difference or turn back the page.

To that Place

I am going to go there.
I am going to stand on that ground
I am going to where the end of the line was
I am going to stand on that ground
where one and half million people stood
as their lives neared their ends.
And I am going to stand on or right beside
the ground where their lives did end.
I am going to go to witness.
I am going to get as close to that little boy as I can
I will be with that little boy again.
I will hold him and I promise not to leave him.
I was him and he is me.

My Promise to You

I will walk with you through the gate
I will be with you
I will be by your side all the time
You can hold my hand and never let it go
It will always be there.
I will hold you
I will carry you
And when it comes time
I will walk in with you
I will hold you tight
As the tears run down our faces
I will hold you tight
I will never let you go
And as we stand there waiting
I will give you a kiss
and as the showers are turned on
I will hold you tight
I will be with you for eternity.

It's all starting to come back to me now

Like the horrendous macabre nightmare that it was

I was hearded out of the box car like cattle. At the time I wasn't even old enought to know what cattle were. There was no one there with me. Even with all the people all around me, no one was there for me. Into the camp I walked

Freedom from Hatred

In effect: if you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing you resent then you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, there happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead, and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding, and love.

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it too always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, “The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you wan to do it.”

She stopped coming around

He went another direction.

Years later she tried to find him again but he was gone.

i CAN'T STAND THIS HATRED THAT'S BURNING IN ME

My Rage Overwhelms Me

Here is a guy that never cried

The Essence of Evil

Die Scheidungpapiere

Andy,
Die Scheidungpapiere sind zu Ihnen eingeordnet worden und verschickt worden. Sie sollten sie über die regelmäßige Post empfangen, die zur späten folgenden Woche mittler ist, die Woche von 3. Juli. Sie haben bis 17. Juli durchzuführen, unterzeichnen Sie und bringen Sie die Formen zurück. Ich ließ eine Anzeige mit MJ, hopefully she was able to talk with you before you get this email.
Ich auch benannte MJ und legte ein Telefongespräch für Dienstag, den 11. Juli 12:00 Denver zur Zeit fest. Ich habe zurück nicht von ihr gehört, also weiß ich nicht, wenn dieses auf diesem Datum geschieht. I will check my cell messages while I'm away in case you two decide on a time. -Ronda

I seemed to have lost my zeal for writing

I tried to give blood today

I am not allowed to give blood ever because I got a cornea transplant. Once again I feel like such a looser. Not only did I have a fucked up eye in the first place but now because of it my blood must be rejected by all other people on earth. I have bad blood, man! Actually, it really does make be feel like shit!

You reek with all the things you hate about me

- Myriseabove

Self Esteem

The lyrics I put up yesterday seem to have a comforting affect on me for some reason. I don't quite understand this. They seem to be like an old friend sitting out there to comfort me. I think it is that the message the lyrics deliver are comforting - kind of like when the world is going to hell, I always have the comforting fact that I am a real piece of shit to fall back on.

Boy, I gotta break this one, huh? To think of yourself as a piece of shit is a real dangerous way of thinking. That is to say, I think you are what you think.

For your own good

I remember my Aunt Judy justifying her husband's behavior. Her husband, my dad's brother, is step father to her children. She said that it was for her daughter's own good that my uncle gene ran my 12 year old (at the time) cousin's head through the drywall.

I have a hard time with this one.

My dad was not much different. I wonder why I have low self esteem.

Self Esteem

Madeline

I'm just a nobody 'cause nobody smiles at me
You must be somebody because your friends sell smiles for free

I wish you were lonely because maybe I
wouldn't be You'd feel sorry for that other nobody

And who needs friend when you can come and cry with me
It all depends when your cup is half full of half empty

I'm just a nobody because I like to write and read
You must be somebody because you never talk to me
I wish you were ugly cause I would feel so free
to hold hands and sing with that other nobody

And who needs friends when you can write bad poetry
talk of when love ends the hurt sets in
the faithful art of the lonely

And who needs friends when you can write bad poetry
talk of when love ends the hurt sets in
the faithful art of the lonely

I'm just a nobody I call my own home
You must be somebody because I've never seen you alone
I wish you weren't so loveable when I feel like a cactus tree
who wants to touch the thorns of a hopeless nobody

The Off Spring

La La La La La
La La La La La

I wrote her off for the 10th time today.
Practiced all the things I would say
She came over I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her desert????? (huh???)

I know I'm bein used
It's okay because I like the abuse
I know, she's playin with me.
that's okay cause I got no self esteem!!!!!

Oh way ohhhhhh, yeaaaah yeahhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah eahhhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah

We make plans to go out at night
wait til two then I turn out the light
This rejections got me so low
she keeps it up I just might tell her so.

Oh way ohhhhhh, yeaaaah yeahhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah eahhhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah

When she's saying, all that she want's only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she saying, that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer The more
it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

Now I'll relate, this little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night, she knocks on my door
She's drunk again and, looking to score
Now I know, I should say no, but
That's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

Oh way ohhhhhh, yeaaaah yeahhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah eahhhh Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah
Ohh Ohhhh yeaaaah yeah

When she's saying, all that she want's only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying, that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

Beck

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
butane in my veins so i'm outto cut the junkie
with the plastic eyeballs
spray paint the vegetables
dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
kill the headlights and put it in neutral
stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
baby's in Reno with the vitamin D
got a couple of couches sleep on the
love seat someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain about
a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
don't believe everything that you breathe
you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
so shave your face with some mace in the dark
savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park

(yo cut it)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(double-barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
i'm a loser baby,so why don't you kill me?

Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare
banned all the music with a phony gas chamber
'cuz one's got a weasel
and the other's got a flag
one's got on the pole shove the other in a bag
with the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job
the daytime crap with the folksinger slop
he hung himself with a guitar string
slap the turkey neck and it's hangin' on a pigeon wing
you can't write if you can't relate
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
and my time is a piece of wax
fallin' on a termite who's chokin' on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheeze whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(drive-by body pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
soooooooyy....
(I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(I can't believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
[repeat]
(Sprechen sie Deutches, baby)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(Know what I'm sayin'?)

I sit in my room

trying not to make anybody else my higher power.

I went down on my bike hard last night. My right arm looks like spoiled hamburger and I can't raise it above my chest. And then my wife tells me she doesn't want me to come up in august to see the children. At this point, I am not sure which hurts more.

I tried to get a hold of Tara and she is not there. I called her three times. I left a message once and called two other times. I sense myself needing her. Danger Danger Will Robinson. Run away Run away. She is not your higher power.