After a while

Been thinkin' about getting a bike

The pain begins to set back in.

The thought of what is missing started to seep back in.

I met with Carrie for lunch today. She is one of the sweetest people I know. She is what I would have used to refered to as a "goodie two shoes." - the kind of person that would have really drove me up the wall. She has some serious co-dependent issues going on.

I met her in my inner child workshop. When I met her she was kind of like a coat rack with too many coats hung on her. She seemed to be listing precariously to one side yet she was still trying to hold up all the coats. She was afraid to let anything go. She did finally let go and was able to stand up straight again. I think she still has a bit of damage left from all the coats though.

Pictures from today

This Morning - Rained all night. It felt good when I went outside this morning


Last Night's Casualty

A note on Anger

Killing

by D G.

Some of them standing, some were waiting in line
As if there was something that they thought they might find
Taking some strength from the feelings that always were shared
And in the background, the eyes that just stared

What was it brought you out here in the dark
Was it your only way of making your mark
Did you get rid of all the voices in your head
Do you now miss them and the things that they said

On your own admission you raised up the knife
And you brought it down ending another man's life
When it was done you just threw down the blade
While the red blood spread wider like the anger you made

I don't want this anger burning in me
It's something from which it's so hard to be free
But none of the tears that we cry in sorrow or rage
Can make any difference, or turn back the page

This is last November for me.

A Note on the Universe

Bob, what if I told you that your every conflict, disappointment, struggle or challenge, with others or yourself, was merely a manifestation of what's going on within your own thinking... would you go there first to fix, mend, and allay? Yeah, you might miss the drama.

The Universe

Would you, Bob?

Come to this Blahg

[TOMMY]
Come to my blog,
Be one of the comfortable people.
Come to this blog,
We're drinking all night,Never sleeping.

Milkman come in!
And you, baker,
Little old lady, welcome,
And you, shoemaker.

Come to this blog,
Into this blog!

[FRANK AND MRS. WALKER]
Come to this blog,
Be one of us.
Make this your blog,
Be one of us.

[TOMMY]
You can help
To collect some more in.
Young and old people,
Let's get them all in.

Come to this blog,
Into this blog!

Ask along that man with a big red carnation.
Bring every single person
From Victoria Station.
Go into that hospital,
And bring the nurses and patients.
Everybody go home and fetch their relations.

[ALL]
Come to this blog,
Be one of the comfortable people.
Lovely bright blog,
We're drinking all night never sleeping.

[FRANK]

Hullo, Tommy,
there's more at the door.
Look, upon the floor.
There's more at the door.
There's more at the door.
There's more at the door.
There's more at the door.
There's more at the door.
There's more at the door.
There's more at the door.
There's more!

[TOMMY]
We need more room,
Build an another link.
A colorful bright button,
Spare no expense, now!

Come to this blog,
Be one of us.
Make this your blog,
Be one of us.

Click on me now!
Click on me now!

Welcome!
Welcome!

I feel like an elephant on the highway

I feel like a fly hovering on the freeway waiting for the windshield to come.

Careful with that Ax Eugene

Yet another rant

I am on the verge of my wife telling me she wants a divorce. I don't disagree with her and do what I can to make it as easy as possible. I just hope she doesn't try to bury me. Then I will have to become a Yak herder in Tibet.

I had a missunderstanding earlier today and I messed up five months of work kind of sort of. I haven't been communicating with my wife for the last five months almost to the day. I inadvertently called her for the first time, boy, did that suck. Anyway it was something we both agreed upon. Under the guidance of therapists we started a lapse in communication to break the dynamic of codependence we had on one another.

Anyway, as soon as she figured out that it was me she started crying. I feel like a total complete fucking monster. I guess that is because I am. The late and great Sam Kinison did a bit where he said something to the effect that his ex-wife probably had it real hard. He said, "Yeah, I can see her in the therapists office and the therapist is saying, "Okay, today we're going to say his name."" He then starts to make the sound of his ex-wife screaming in terror. He goes on, "Okay, maybe we will just say a letter in his name." Again he makes the sound of his ex-wife screaming hysterically. This is what I feel like only it is in real fucking life.

I wrote the following little rant to her that I am not going to send. It is a way to blow off steam I guess.

Please communicate your intentions.

I am on pins and needles and I feel like I am being forsaken. Early today, as it turned out,I recieved an e-mail from a friend that responds to an online journal that I have been keeping. She divorced her first husband over the same addiction. When I read it I read it as though it had come from you. The way it read it just naturally sounded like our situation. It had an incredibly angry tone. I really felt you had written it. I am still filled with much shame over my behavior through out our marriage.

I am waiting for the ax to fall and have resigned myself to the ax falling. We need to get on with it. If anything I am also leaning toward a divorce. I know I can not live in the environment that Iused to live in up there. I now know myself a bit better. Ronda, it was anextremely critical environment up there. I may have the ability to deal with it at some time but not anytime in the near future. What killed me really was the critical nature of the job I was in, the critical nature of your friends, and finally the critical nature of you with respect to me. Clearly, I will never be what you want me to be.

I have developed many wonderful friendships down here and I have become heavily involved in many community type things primarily with the Unity church. It is a wonderful small closely knit community and the thought of going back is something I can not handle any time in the near future.

Also, the people here at Camp Gitchigumi have given me the lee way to come and go as I please to deal with this divorce. This is GOD talking to me. God truely does love me and is taking care of me in ways I could never imagine. All I had to do was stop fighting.

Although I still have to and have had success at not fighting, I still need to take care of myself. Relative to anything else, you, the children, and whatever, my sobriety comes first so I must make the following very clear.

We will never communicate face to face during the divorce. I will stay here in Flagstaff. We may communicate through e-mail and the telephone. I believe we can do this amicably and like I said, IF we work TOGETHER, I will make it so what ever settlement we reach will meet your satisfaction.

I will not come up there to meet so that you can tell me you want a divorce and you want to talk about me seeing the kids. This in no way under any circumstances will happen.

I will not see the children in anyway for a period through the divorce and at least three months after the divorce is settled.

Finally I need to stress the importance of communicating through e-mail, over the phone, or through therapists rather than through legal council until we can both agree that legal council is required. I can not stress this enough. I do not want to pay lawyers more than I have to and I especially do not want to be forced to have to pay lawyers, period. Once this boundary is transgressed, all involved, except the lawyers, will loose.

The previous paragraph should indicate what I think you may be ready to do or have already done. That is why I think this no contact stuff has gone on long enough. DO NOT BE AFRAID to say you want a divorce! I will work with you! I will work with you in absolute love and kindness! Also, in the unlikely event, I should probably note the following: do not be afraid to say you want me to come up there so we can talk (in front of a therapist) about what it would take to get back together.

I believe I have suffered long enough in the dark. This has nothing to do with the 5 months we just went through. I could probably do another year. However it is the e-mail you sent last week that has made Mary Jane and I believe you are going to ask for a divorce.

I hope you can find it in your heart (whatever heart you may have left for me) to communicate with me on this issue fairly soon.

On the bright side

My addiction has not taken me into anything illegal. Well not that illegal. Somebody told me once that I picked a real winner as far as addicitons go. My addiction escalated to seeing prostitutes. It did not escalate to any sexual offense stuff. I will not repeat that stuff in this blog because the still suffering sex addicts will do searches on that stuff and wind up here. At this point, I am not so sure I want them looking at my blog or at least finding it in a search.

Sex addiction is real. And it is nothing to mess around with or take lightly. Unlike anyother addiction, sex addiction won't just kill you, it will drag your ass out in public and humiliate and then if you are lucky it will kill you.

The Casualties

I have lost everything. My wife, my children, and my house due to my addiction. And my addiction was none other than sex addiction