Yet another rant

I am on the verge of my wife telling me she wants a divorce. I don't disagree with her and do what I can to make it as easy as possible. I just hope she doesn't try to bury me. Then I will have to become a Yak herder in Tibet.

I had a missunderstanding earlier today and I messed up five months of work kind of sort of. I haven't been communicating with my wife for the last five months almost to the day. I inadvertently called her for the first time, boy, did that suck. Anyway it was something we both agreed upon. Under the guidance of therapists we started a lapse in communication to break the dynamic of codependence we had on one another.

Anyway, as soon as she figured out that it was me she started crying. I feel like a total complete fucking monster. I guess that is because I am. The late and great Sam Kinison did a bit where he said something to the effect that his ex-wife probably had it real hard. He said, "Yeah, I can see her in the therapists office and the therapist is saying, "Okay, today we're going to say his name."" He then starts to make the sound of his ex-wife screaming in terror. He goes on, "Okay, maybe we will just say a letter in his name." Again he makes the sound of his ex-wife screaming hysterically. This is what I feel like only it is in real fucking life.

I wrote the following little rant to her that I am not going to send. It is a way to blow off steam I guess.

Please communicate your intentions.

I am on pins and needles and I feel like I am being forsaken. Early today, as it turned out,I recieved an e-mail from a friend that responds to an online journal that I have been keeping. She divorced her first husband over the same addiction. When I read it I read it as though it had come from you. The way it read it just naturally sounded like our situation. It had an incredibly angry tone. I really felt you had written it. I am still filled with much shame over my behavior through out our marriage.

I am waiting for the ax to fall and have resigned myself to the ax falling. We need to get on with it. If anything I am also leaning toward a divorce. I know I can not live in the environment that Iused to live in up there. I now know myself a bit better. Ronda, it was anextremely critical environment up there. I may have the ability to deal with it at some time but not anytime in the near future. What killed me really was the critical nature of the job I was in, the critical nature of your friends, and finally the critical nature of you with respect to me. Clearly, I will never be what you want me to be.

I have developed many wonderful friendships down here and I have become heavily involved in many community type things primarily with the Unity church. It is a wonderful small closely knit community and the thought of going back is something I can not handle any time in the near future.

Also, the people here at Camp Gitchigumi have given me the lee way to come and go as I please to deal with this divorce. This is GOD talking to me. God truely does love me and is taking care of me in ways I could never imagine. All I had to do was stop fighting.

Although I still have to and have had success at not fighting, I still need to take care of myself. Relative to anything else, you, the children, and whatever, my sobriety comes first so I must make the following very clear.

We will never communicate face to face during the divorce. I will stay here in Flagstaff. We may communicate through e-mail and the telephone. I believe we can do this amicably and like I said, IF we work TOGETHER, I will make it so what ever settlement we reach will meet your satisfaction.

I will not come up there to meet so that you can tell me you want a divorce and you want to talk about me seeing the kids. This in no way under any circumstances will happen.

I will not see the children in anyway for a period through the divorce and at least three months after the divorce is settled.

Finally I need to stress the importance of communicating through e-mail, over the phone, or through therapists rather than through legal council until we can both agree that legal council is required. I can not stress this enough. I do not want to pay lawyers more than I have to and I especially do not want to be forced to have to pay lawyers, period. Once this boundary is transgressed, all involved, except the lawyers, will loose.

The previous paragraph should indicate what I think you may be ready to do or have already done. That is why I think this no contact stuff has gone on long enough. DO NOT BE AFRAID to say you want a divorce! I will work with you! I will work with you in absolute love and kindness! Also, in the unlikely event, I should probably note the following: do not be afraid to say you want me to come up there so we can talk (in front of a therapist) about what it would take to get back together.

I believe I have suffered long enough in the dark. This has nothing to do with the 5 months we just went through. I could probably do another year. However it is the e-mail you sent last week that has made Mary Jane and I believe you are going to ask for a divorce.

I hope you can find it in your heart (whatever heart you may have left for me) to communicate with me on this issue fairly soon.