A really bad day

I am having a really


really



really



bad day.

It's like everything was pulled out from under me. I feel like the coyote just after he runs off the cliff and looks down, but right before he plummets to the canyon floor below. Accept I don't have my sign that says "Help!" or even "Bye!"

I had this dream before I woke up. It was that my wife and I had decided to get back together. We met back at the house and it was as if we were both getting back from taking very long trips. But it seemed like each of us were only gone for maybe a week or so. That was the extent of our seperation. (As I right this I can't stop the tears from dripping down my fucking face onto the keyboard)

We got back and were putting stuff away and she started talking about this guy that she had to call off a date with. She said that she almost had sex with him. They had gone out dancing and drinking to this really nice place. She decided to go to a motel with him. It was her and a friend and then two guys; one of the guys being the one she was going to go to the motel with. The motel turned out to be a really sleazy place so she didn't follow through. She went home instead. Then some how we came back together (have no idea how)

Then the dream turned into her having to tell this guy that she did not want to date him anymore because she had decided to stay with me. She told this guy. I met him. I felt really sorry for this guy and did not feel like I deserved to be back with her. Never-the-less I was still really happy. I was so happy we were back together. And then I woke up. My day has been hell ever since. My thoughts at times are: "I want to just fucking die!!!! I mean I really want to fucking die!!!"

This pain is overwhelming like a flood.

I hope I am done crying for bit - self care complete must get back to work