Went to church this morning. I have met some really nice people there but it still turns me off for some reason. I think it is the whole judgement thing. In church we do a group prayer. Our spiritual lead believes in only praying for thanks. I guess I kind of have to agree with that. Anyway I prayed that I was grateful nobody was hurt and that there was only superficial property damage with a friend of mine who experienced an accident.
I have a pretty bad head ache right now. I think it is because I haven't had coffee in the last 24 hours and I have been crying for the last hour and a half.
I went to the grocery store bought my standard fair of six apples, a package of string cheese, some grapefruit juice, some bananas, cereal, and some other junk. As I was there I was putting stuff in the shopping cart and I thought of when I would take my three boys to the grocery store and put them all in the cart. Just like that the what ever it is that has kept me from falling to pieces went away. Right there in the grocery store I lost it.
It feels like I am trying to pretend that my world is not a world of shit that I live in. Every once in a while the whole thing comes crashing through - the reality of the situation. It is so fucking painful I just want to die. I would like to talk to her so desperately but I know that I can't; all I can do is just sit here and take it; try to deal with it as best I can. This is one fucking lonely time in my life.
The high light of my week is Sunday evening when I go to my AA meeting and I see her.
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Life and Times of Floyd Hill or Watching Floyd Grow Up
About Me
- Floyd Hill
- Circa 2006 - Well first off, I am an addict and I admit I am powerless over it and it has made my life unmanageable. So much so that I now have confirmation that my wife is going to divorce me. I believe that less than .01% of the world's (human) population is mentally healthy and this mental health comes about only by pure sheer accident. We're all fucked up it is just a matter of to what degree. As an engineer, I am still wondering when I get to drive the train.
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2006
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June
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- I seemed to have lost my zeal for writing
- I tried to give blood today
- You reek with all the things you hate about me
- Self Esteem
- For your own good
- Self Esteem
- I sit in my room
- A Clamp Design
- The Real Cause of Forest Fires
- All around
- Alright, Okay,
- I blink my eyes
- Do Not Worry
- From the Little Dudes!
- It had been 2 weeks since he'd last had anything t...
- He knew he had to go."I'm going," he said. "I have...
- I work in the second building from the bottom lowe...
- A really bad day
- Out in the middle of the desert where the land swe...
- Andy did you hear about this one?Andy are you lock...
- Ah, well,
- I've been in this situation with two women now.
- The Wind Whispers
- Yes I live in Cube Land
- Constant reminders
- Well, I woke up around 12:30
- Welcome
- You know what I can't stand
- Fwoosh!A very brief departure into the other world...
- All all all righty thennnnnn.
- He kept turning around to see if anybody was there...
- Off to the Sunday night AA meeting
- Driving up I-17 early Saturday Morning
- Sunday Morning
- My nonsense drawing Otherwise known as doodling.
- I keep looking back
- Shame on me!
- When he awoke that following morning the rain had ...
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June
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2 comments:
Is it that you are missing what you've lost that hurts? Or is it that you fucked everything up that hurts the most? Or is it both?
Your fear of failure with the knowledge that you caused your wife to leave, probably is a big part of why you are so distraught.
And on top of that the pain of loosing people that were once close and within reach to you.
Floyd,
I see your pain clearly in your writings. It pains me to know you are going through so much hurt.
But I want you to know that I see a bright future for you. You will always feel a close emotional connect with the mother of your children, but you will move on and you will be happy...happier then you've ever been.
Think of the depth of despair you have felt...now, know that to that same extent you will experience happiness. The more depressed you are the more happier you will be when it passes.
I know you will experience joy like never before. Peace like never before. And wholness like never before.
Do not be scared of your "bad" feelings. They are not bad. They are serving a purpose. And I'm so excited for you and I see great things in your future. I'm VERY proud of you!
yes both.
Gee, thanks is all I can say. I appreciate the support. Starting around the evening time yesterday, I seemed to have started to plummet in my feelings.
People keep telling me what you are telling me. I try to believe that. It is like believing in a higher power sometimes. Sometimes it is a real challenge. Today is one of those times.
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