Oh yeah, and the other thing

My appetite is way off. Typically this happens when I get severely depressed. The only real change that has seemed to happen is that I started taking something to help me sleep.

It really does that, help me sleep that is. I hope it is the increased sleep and not the pill that is doing this, that is, if this is real.

A bit un-nerved?

I feel quite good today. I am not sure why this is. But when I feel this good it is like riding a wave (surfing). I'll be falling any second I just don't know when

6 times and then 5

Six times in one night. Between the hours of 11:00 pm and 5 am. Then it was 5 times the following 24 hours. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. My urge was driven by a general feeling of diconnectedness with the world or with the HP (not hewlett packard) and anxiety about finances and a little about my job - which, of course, is where I am writing this.

I think what you talk about when you say you hear or see a person's name, is what I would call a "trigger." For me, it is not really about the person but rather it is really the anxiety and disconnectedness and the need to be relieved from these for a little while.

I actually went about 2 days without any activity in that area and then last night one time. Since Sunday I have been taking something to help me sleep. This knocks out a huge chunk of time that this activity normally happens. Last night it took a really long time and it really didn't work. I did it in spite of the sleep aid. I actually forced myself to stay awake to complete the mission.

I think this is God's way of saying,"No No No, you are not going to get rid of this thing - this activity with a pill, pal! You need to work on the disconnectedness and your fears."

I hate this addiction. I truely hate it! Sometimes I would rather be dead.

We been dancin' with . . . (For me it is not Mr. Brownstone.)
He's been knockin'
He won't leave me alone
No, no ,no, he won't leave me alone
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before

Now I get up around whenever
I used ta get up on time
But that old man he's a real muthafucker
Gonna kick him on down the line

(I am trying to kick him on down the line!)

I wanna fly down over mullholland

I wanna write her name in the sky
I wanna free fall out into nothing
I wanna leave this world for a while

and I'm.....

I like Tom Petty too.

My friend, Bob Sacamento, bought one of those sign's you can get at Sam's Club. You know, the sign for a business that says "Open" You know, the red and blue ones.

Anyway, he takes the sign home, puts it up in his window and when ever he comes home he turns it on. When he leaves his house, he turns it off. The twist here is, is that he doesn't have a business. I mean, what is he "open" for?

I asked him this question and he said he didn't know. He said that he just thought it would be a neat thing to have in his window. He went on to say that he was passing by one of those "U-store it" places, saw the sign in the window that said "Open" and remembered seeing the sign at Sam's club. "I thought I gotta get me one of those things. That guy must have gotten his at Sam's Club. If he got one there, I must be able to get one too. I was worried that you might have to have some kind of license to show the clerk at the check out, but you don't! You just pick up the sign, take it up to the check out, pay for it, and it's yours. "This is great!," he went on to say, "I can be open to if I want!!!"

He tried to get me to get one too. I didn't or rather don't want to. I'm not a very open person myself. He tried and tried to convince me but I wouldn't give in. It seemed as though he was on a personal mission to get me to get one of these things.

Appearently he did make it his mission. A couple days later I come home from work and there is a package on my front door step. Well, it is not my front door step: it is my roommate's or rather housemate's which is really my landlord because I only rent one room in the house. Anyway the package and you probably guessed it by now, was the "Open" sign from Sam's club. Crazy!!

So now I have the "Open" sign from Sam's club. I don't think my landlord would like me putting it up. Plus, I think the neighbors would be a little concerned as well.

One would wonder if I know anyother music than

Peter Gabriel???

Yes, - Jimmy Buffett

This world is full of strange behavior
Every man has to be his own savior
I know I can make it on my own if I try
But I'm searchin' for a great heart
To stand me by
Underneath the American sky
A great heart to stand me by

I'm searching for the spirit of the great heart
To hold and keep me by
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
Under African sky
Sometimes I feel that you barely know me
Sometimes there's so much you can show me

There's a highway of stars across the heavens
There's a whispering song of the wind in the grass
There's a rolling thunder across the savannah
A hope and a dream at the edge of the sky
And your life is the story of the wind
Your life is a story like the wind

I'm searching for the spirit of the great heart
To hold and stand me by
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
Under Arizona sky
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
I see the fire in your eyes
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
That beats my name inside
sometimes I feel that you really know me
Sometimes there's so much you can show me

I'm searching for the spirit of the great heart
To hold and stand me by
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
Under Arizona sky
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
I see the fire in your eyes
I'm searchin' for the spirit of the great heart
That beats my name inside
Sometimes I feel you really know me
Sometimes there's so much you can show me

Guk a 'mzimba
Sala 'nhliziyo

Games Without Frontiers

Hans plays with Lotte, Lotte plays with Jane
Jane plays with Willi, Willi is happy again
Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt
Adolf builds a bonfire, Enrico plays with it

Hans spielt MIT Lotte, Lotte spielt MIT Jane
Jane spielt MIT Willi, Willi ist wieder froh
Suki spielt MIT Löwe, Sacha spielt MIT Britt
Adolf zuendet Buecher, Enrico macht Auch MIT


-Whistling tunes we hide in the dunes by the seaside
-Whistling tunes we're kissing baboons in the jungle

- krieg uns - besieg uns - wir jagen durch das Seegras
- krieg uns - besieg uns - Piss auf Würfel Fratzen im Dschungel


It's a knockout
BIS zum KNOCKOUT


If looks could kill, they probably will
In games without frontiers-war without tears
Games without frontiers-war without tears

Koennten Blicke toeten, waert ihr floeten
Krieg Verwirrungmann schwaenzen - SPIEL OHNE GRENZEN
Koennten Blicke toeten, waert ihr floeten
Krieg Verwirrungmann schwaenzen - SPIEL OHNE GRENZEN
Krieg Verwirrungmann schwaenzen - SPIEL OHNE GRENZEN

My Trip this Weekend

Here is another song that seems to hit the mark.
I think this is one of the things that she really hates about me. This thing I have with music.

Never the less, there was something about the highway, something about the rain, and something about how the music put it all together. It was like the music was the glue that held the memories of the events of the weekend, the rain, the gray, the highway, the spray from the
trucks, the gloominess of it all together. It seemed to make it whole, make it real. As I drove back to Arizona, I kept thinking of the look on the children's faces the sadness, the grayness of the day, the autumn.

And at some point I knew on that Saturday that I had seen all I wanted to see that day. The past truely is dead but my brain wants to keep it alive. It seems that every little realization, every little glimpse of this fact, I go into emotional convulsions of crying. Sometimes it's not
crying but anger towards her. I think of her as a really cold ruthless bitch like her sister.
Mostly though it is the crying.

I cried and screamed in this pain last night.

More on Lambasted

Well, as I was saying.

I realized a couple of things out of this exchange. The first is that I really wanted to get out of there at that time. I just wanted to get up and leave. I went through a moment of rage where I threatened to leave. (This is key) My threatening to leave really pissed off the group therapist. (As an aside, I question if this is an appropriate response for a group therapist.) After I saw her flare up I put a lid on my flames.

For the rest of the group I just sat in it. I was really just sitting in my own shit - this would be the best description. I felt very uncomfortable. As soon as group was over I told the group leader/therapist that I didn't want to hug which is how we end group. I did not talk to anyone. I just got up an left as inconspiquously as I could.

After I left I kinda made up my mind not to go back. In addition, I did not want to go to any of the other meetings I attend. I just wanted to hole up, be alone. That's what made me think of Edie Brickell's song, "Circle".

This kind of answers a lot of questions for me.

It was drilled into my head when I was a kid that I was worthless and unless I made myself useful to my Dad or anybody else then I did not deserve to live. In my family we lived by the golden rule which was:

One "awe shit" is equal to one thousand atta boys.

I think I got about 2 or three atta boys. I have a real "atta-boy" defecit. According to some people I really don't have much of an excuse to be living.

I percieve every bit of negative or neutral interaction with other people as directly meaning that they would prefer I not exist. This is pretty big stuff actually. Actually most people don't care. And the ones that do care, care that I exist. This is the truth - a truth I find difficult to believe with any conviction most of the time.

Circle

Finally figured out what this song means and why I identified with it so much.

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we
notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends on you touching ground with us.

But, I quit.
I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.
And I quit.
I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say goodbye.

Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet -- the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are- that means you and....

I quit --
I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit.
I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say...

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we
notice you don't come around.

Ha la la la la la la

Lambasted

I got lambasted at group last night.

Actually there is this possibility that nobody there actually lambasted me. (well maybe one person actually did)

It started when I missed or actually decided not to go to group last week. Appearently somebody got really pissed because lil' ol' me did not show up. There was another person that did not show up as well. So the issue was raised to a higher level. She had a lot of work to do and she needed us there.

First of all, Wow!, I am that fucking important. - am I????

When we started group I appologized for missing the previous week and told the group that I was placing my needs above the group's needs and I would try not to do that again. Appearently, that was not good enough. It came up as a group business issue.

I have more on this and will write about it later.

The Snow Globe

Someone told me that this is what has happened to me.

Dude!

They not only shook your snow globe, they rearranged the village inside!

I love that analogy!!!!

The Smell

For some reason it was the smell. The smell! I can still actually conjure up the smell in my mind. It was the smell like that of a package of bandaids. That smell is typical of any hospital and was probably no stronger than the smell of anyother hospital but at that time and for those two days it was extremely intense.

I see my pants. I see my belt being removed. I see my shoe laces being taken. My wallet, my keys, my meds, all that was left underwear, shoes, socks, pants, and my Led Zeppelin T-shirth

I then feel the panic. I feel the confusion. I feel the intense burning regret. The shame I feel is beyond description.
Then I feel. . .

The anger and the hatred. The almighty powerful hatred. It makes my head tingle. I feel the tingling in my temples. I feel like my hair is raising on end. I feel the adrenalin. My hatred for her soars.

I never want to see her fucking wretched face again as long as I live.

The anger burns intense and it burns deep. It is the fire that fuels my recovery. It is also the fire that will hinder my recovery. More importantly it is the fire that will hinder my recovery. The best expression of anger and send her direction is to simply recover. Recover and be happy no matter how little I have now.

The smell, . . I can't forget that smell.

Wow!

42 years old and still listening to Zeppelin.

I was in 9th grade when I first listened to Physical Graffiti. I am listening to In the Light and it takes me right back to ninth grade when I was trying out dope which I never really got good at. Sex was my thing.

Urgency

Whenever I have a sense of urgency about something there is a good chance that there is an addiction at work.

Time

42 revolutions about the sun, 309 earth rotations, and 399 thousdanths of one earth rotation completed.

Currently surviving 311th upper meridian transit of 42nd revolution about local star.

Apparently, the mission is not yet complete as I am still living.

This job would be so much easier if I knew what I were doing