The Wake

You know how a boat makes waves in the water. I think that's a pretty good metaphore for what I am experiencing now.

I believe my ex- is moving on and I mean moving on with someone else. This is kind of like the final blow of reality that our relationship as a couple, as lovers, as confidants, as partners, as friends is over.

My wife started liking baseball when the Colorado Rockies Baseball team came into being. I kinda like it and I kinda got into the games and stats with her. Together we would go to a game occasionally or we would listen to them on the radio. Sometimes we would even watch them on TV. Interestingly the Rockies are going to the "big dance" this year. In order to get there, they beat the Arizona diamond backs. I live in Arizona now.

The Cleveland Indians are playing Boston for the American league championship. If the Indians win the series and the championship then they will be going to the fall classic as well. I am from Cleveland.

I don't really believe in any sybollogy about whether the Indians and the Rockies are pitted against one another but I do know that having the Rockies in the world series beating the diamond backs and then possibly playing the indians keeps her upfront and center in my head.

So my memories of baseball with her over the years is like a wave that has traveled through the years from 1990s to meet me here in 2007 and wash over me.

Every reminder.... And here, the coinsidence is just to big. It's like life is saying, "See this is what was and it's gone now!!!! It's over you fucking looser. It's over." And I will bet the Rockies Spank the Indians in a big fucking way.

Anyway I still have to say "Go Indians!" and oh yes I know the last sentence in the last paragraph is a bunch of horseshit.

The other thing about the wake is that a wake is what you have after a funeral.

The leaves are changing

I just got back
from seeing her face
It was as I remembered
It was everything I remembered loosing
and more.

I don't want to talk about it.

I am finding that the following book: I don’t want to talk about it by Terrence Real today. (Scribner, 1997) The sub-title is: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. is really helpful.

Exactly what happened

during the addiction discovery between you and the ex?

Well it was really a discovery for both of us. Realizing I am powerless over this really help(s)(ed). Putting up the white flag and surrendering is kind of a relief. With all the earnestness in my heart I did not want to be doing what I was doing. I never wanted to decieve her.

When I turned around and looked at what I had done (been doing), I was horrified. The ex was and is one of the sweetest and prettiest women I have known yet look what I did. During the discovery, what I called the disclosure, I told her all I had done as completely and as thoroughly as I could.

In April of 2004, she finally delved into one of my journals and found direct reference to my activity. She called me at work one morning and told me that we had to talk. I left the building and took a walk on the railroad tracks as I was talking to her on the cell phone. I was cursing the fucking railroad because there were no trains coming by. I think I would have happily laid down in front of one at the time.

She didn't want to leave me and she didn't. She believed I was caught in an addiction and I was. I started going to meetings at that time. For about the next thirty days the addiciton lifted. I mean it was gone and I felt good. I engaged in no activity in anyway, shape, or form. Although she and I were still intimate.

All was quiet. We knew I had a problem and I was going to work on it. All I had ahead of me was just work. I was free. I felt free. She told me that day as I walked the tracks that the truth would set me free. She told me that if it hadn't been me it would have been somebody else just like me or perhaps even worse. And yes there could be worse.

Then after about thirty days, it started coming back. It gradually seeped back into every facet of my thinking. I couldn't just turn this stuff off. If it was as simple as "don't do it!" I would have not done it long ago.

The addiction invades every area, every facility, every faculty of strength my brain possesses. Soon every facility, memory, power of reason, logical thought, were being used to support the addiction. And in the space of two months it was back in force while I was at work.

In the summer of 2005 I moved to Flagstaff. While it didn't make it to the work place, on November first of 2004 I once again violated the marriage. This time I took no steps to hide it. I was too tired. I was exhausted.

She found out once again. It was christmas of 2005 yet another confrontation. Another breach of trust. As I look back on it we should have ended it then. - the marriage that is. At that point I got more serious about the program but not serious enough! For the next 8 to 9 months I no longer acted out but my anger became greater and greater. The verbal and emotional abuse became greater and greater until the events of November 22, 2005 unfolded.

The addiction was pissed and so stripped me of everything I had known. Now I have nothing to do but work on beating this mother fucker. The only way I can beat this thing is to surrender. Get rid of the hate. Get rid of the resentments. When somebody does me wrong I have to take away the lesson - not get pissed at them. That feeds this addiction.

Out on the Rocks

Seem to be out on the Rocks

The feeling is familiar. It is that lost empty feeling I feel every weekend. This is actually rare me writing in this thing on the weekend.

I have slept most of the afternoon. I left my first morning meeting early and did not go to the second one. I came home and slept instead.

I miss my life

The need for human contact

The time I like is the rush hour, cos I like the rush
The pushing of the people, I like it all so much
Such a mass of motion, do not know where it goes
I move with the movement and ... I have the touch

I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark
Any chance collision, and I light up in the dark
There you stand before me, all that fur and all that hair
Oh, do I dare ... I have the touch

Wanting contact
I'm wanting contact
I'm wanting contact with you
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Give me the thing I understand
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Shake those hands, shake those hands

Any social occasion, it's hello, how do you do
All those introductions, I never miss my cue
So before a question, so before a doubt
My hand moves out and ... I have the touch

Your actions talk as a naked man, with nothing up their sleeve
Words you use can devastate, can decoy, and deceive
Talk to me with flesh and blood, I trust what I receive
The moment I believe is … I have the touch

Wanting contact
I'm wanting contact
I'm wanting contact with you
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Give me the thing I understand
Shake those hands, shake those hands

Pull my chin, stroke my hair, scratch my nose, hug my knees
Try drink, food, cigarette, tension will not ease
I tap my fingers, fold my arms, breathe in deep, cross my legs
Shrug my shoulders, stretch my back - but nothing seems
to please

I need contact
I need contact
Nothing seems to please
I need contact

did you and the now ex have sex

while you were trying to work things out.

Yes we did. From the time she confronted me on the activity with the "working" women until my abusiveness got out of hand.

So this is painful for me but it help to get it out yet one more time.

She confronted me March of 04:

I went into SAA in April of 04

Moved to the place where I currently live in August of 04

Started acting out again - book stores and printed material and some internet in September 04 up to November 1 04 when I saw my last working girl.

She discovered it again christmas 04 I then made an earnest effort to stop the activity but still did not work the program. In feb, then May, then Aug, I had kind of angry tempertantrums. They were not physically violent but I was verbally abusive with her.

Then November 22 05 had my biggest melt down and threatened suicide - ended up in the back of a squad car and then in a psych ward for two days

I was released Thanksgiving day morning to come back here. (nov 24 2005) This is the last time I saw her. I hope I die before I ever see her again. The last I remember of her is her saying go back to flagstaff and don't ever come back.

As far as the sex went - When she confronted me I came clean on the eight times (of the probably 100 times I had been with those engaged in "the profession")that I did "it" unprotected. (The shame about this is overwhelming. The addiction is absolutely hiddeous!) We then used protection up until sometime in the middle of the summer. Then when she discover the November 1 '04 incident we used protection up until Nov 21 05 the last time we did it. Yes, I remember the last time. I really wish I didn't.

I'm not tryin' to fake it, and I ain't the one to blame.
No, there's no one home in my house of pain.
I didn't write these pages and my script's been re-arranged.
No, there's no one home in my house of pain.

Tell me this,

after you had been caught in the betrayal, how hard did you work to keep her?

I worked very hard. However, it was that hard work that ended up costing me the marriage. I thought that all I had to do was just stop doing "it." (doing the addiction) That is the wrong answer. I had tried countless numbers of time to "just stop doing the addiciton." I tried giving her the finances - she didn't even know about what I was doing when I gave her control of the finances. My addict brain was able to figure away around it.

She finally confronted me on my activity and that is when I went into 12 step. I went into 12 step to save my marriage. When I went in, I heard countless numbers of times that one has to do this for one's own self not to save a marriage or for someone else. I thought, "okay then, I am doing this for myself." I had no idea what that meant.

What ended up happening was I did not work my program. I did not work the 12 steps. I basically became a dry drunk. I had stopped the activity but had not made any real behavioral changes. I maintained resentments and they brewed deep inside me getting stronger and stronger.

Finally I blew and it was ultimately my abusive behavior that ended our marriage.

She had actually started to grow as a result of her working the 12 steps. I was still stuck.

I do believe that both of us contributed to the destruction of our marriage equally. It wasn't all me. This is what everybody tells me. I am starting to get it. My therapist said that for as sick as I was she was equally sick for being with me. If she does not change then she will just end up with somebody like me again - another addict.

In order for me to "keep" her I would have had to grow at the same rate she was - or somewhat close. Once the disparity became so great the thing just blew apart. (thing being marriage) Based on what I went through both of you will have to grow at the relatively the same rate in order to get through this. Hopefully, he is willing to work at it. I don't know if that means "12 step" or what. This implies that you will have to grow (mentally physically and spiritually)

I can imagine you thinking ("you are telling me about "growing spiritually") I am not implying in anyway that I am "spititually adept." You are probably better at it than I. This is why, for me, I need the 12 steps. I really really hope you do not think I am talking down to you. (First of all I can't, I mean you are way taller than me ha ha ha) I am just telling you what I have learned about myself really and that is I need to continue to grow mentally physically and spirtually.

My ex-wife had a number of boy friends before me. All of them were addicts (same addiction) and the manifestation of their addictions were worse than mine. She kept choosing the same type of person. I really do not believe all men have this. I know lots of men that really don't.

I hope this sheds some light and doesn't make you angry with me.

I hope you have some peace. When I pray, I hold you, your husband, and children in God's light.

What the F*&K? over.

What the hell were the last two posts about?

One way I think it might work

So the other day, he's coming up on an intersection.

I could see this one comein'. This one was really common back in February, March, and April. He's really hung up on this woman. He doesn't seem to be able to stop looking into oncoming traffic for her car. It's like he gets some kind of charge out of just seeing her car. That whole infactuation thing really screws them up. Sometimes I think the space suit causes way more problems than most of the naturally occurring situations that develop there.

Anyway, he's coming up on the intersection, the light is turning yellow and he is looking into oncoming traffic About three seconds prior to entering the intersection it becomes apparent to us that he's just gonna go right through it without a thought. Oh shit!, we gotta scramble on this one. We get on the horn, pronto, with people in charge of the guy in the blue volkswagen who seems to be trying to select a song on his i-pod. It takes a bit but we finally locate and call that crew and notify them of the situation. They said that they saw what was happening but were grateful that we gave 'em a jingle anyway. They were able to finness the situation just enough that allowed him (our guy) to get through the intersection unscathed. Of course, he looks up at the red light about 5 nanoseconds before he is under it. Now he's gotta deal with all the shame and guilt. Once again it is the goddamn protective space suit that seems to screw him over.

Orientation

He said that before he put on his suit and came through the portal, they had warned him about all of this. Just like all the others it didn't seem to matter to him. He went ahead and did it anyway! We just stood there shaking our heads in disbelief and watched him as he stepped into the womb.

The next thing he knows is, well, nothing. That's always what happens. He doesn't remember any of the decisions he's made about taking the adventure, the journey, the trip, I mean what ever the fuck you want to call it. He remembers nothing about it. Now we see him, just like all the others, trying to figure it all out. He no longer even knows that we exist. It is really amazing that "our existence" seems to be a hot debate that has lasted for quite some time. People die and endure a lot of pain over this debat. Man, I don't know why anyone would do it.

We've tried to protect him but there is only so much we can do. We have no control over what he does or thinks. We try to set things up for his benefit, the next thing ya know he's doing the unexpected. We have to scramble get in touch with the others make sure there are no collisions, make sure things are set up for the "awarenesses" to take place and then hope for the best.

He does seem to be doing better these days.

10 true things

1.) I feel anxious
2.) I don't want to be at work right now
3.) There is too much traffic around my office.
4.) People can see that I am doing this instead of work
5.) I went over to Frank's this morning before I came to work
6.) The sky, the weather, is niether blue nor completely grey. it is somewhere inbetween as if there seems to be a bit of indicision on the weather's part. I wonder if the weather feel's the same way I do.
7.) I got into work around 8:30.
8.) Frank seemed a bit distracted when we talked this morning
9.) I completed the boxes for Tracy and will ship them today, I hope
10.) My work is not interesting enough.

It's been a while

Since I last checked in, huh? I feel like journalling today. I wish I felt like it more often. I mean, I had plenty to journal about.

I just spent the last two weeks immersed in AA meetings and retreats. Those 12 golden steps! you gotta love 'em. I say this somewhat sarcastically and yet with some reverence. I think the steps can be taken way to seriously and not seriously enough.

One of the things I realized after the retreat and after thursday when I talked with my wife is - okay, ex-wife, is that I am still looking to her to rescue me. She is working a very good program and she is not. And this pisses me off. I told her this last thursday. I have shared this at every meeting I have gone to. I think the people there are getting sick of it. But I only share this thing for one week.

I've been at this awhile

I seemed to have been walking on this road waiting for the inevitable heart breaking disaster. I've been on it since 1990, well, actually since I was born but I think it became appearent around 1990. And it came into reality in 2004.

Funny thing about it though, when you accept the inevitable, that inevitable disaster that could happen any moment or a year, or a decade from now, somehow the load seems to be lifted a bit. The disaster seems to loose it's power.

Note for today

It really is that we can not and will never get back together. I have to
hold that idea close and hang on to it with every last fiber of my
constitution.

I still feel like a child. I am still a child.

I can't believe it's true

there are roads left in both of our shoes.

But there are. As long as we have the children between us - we will travel those roads. I hope we will be able to travel those roads together.

I'm looking in

on the good life, I might be doomed never to find.

Or maybe it is that I am in the good life and I just don't know it!?

Good luck to Liam

Off and running yesterday. I hope his journey is happy and peaceful.

Talked to the Ex Yesterday

The couple of days leading up to that were horrendous. I don't know why, but I felt like I was taking a final or a midterm in college - same type of anxiety. I was really afraid of her shaming me and all that stuff.

Things don't seem too bad today

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia and the Golden Ratio

An equation derived in 1994 connects the golden ratio to the Number of the Beast (666):[1]

Which can be combined into the expression:

666; it's everywhere you want to be:

What's the deal with the font, man!?

Future talk with ex-wife

First of all I need to say I am really afraid to have any type of conversation with you.

I would like to state one important boundary relative to this conversation that I hope you find reasonable:


1.) Please do not talk about expectations about what I should or should not or should have done, been done, or be doing. This gives me nothing but shame and may cause me to become very resentful and/or angry. And in some cases may result in the following side effects such as one, a combination of, or all of the following: hair loss, upset stomach, prolonged head aches, loss of sleep, neck pain, back pain, and/or partial immobility, nausea, paranoid delusional fantasy. And in very rare cases, hypersensitivity or allergic reaction to gas consisting of

Nitrogen: 78% (78 parts out of a hundred)Oxygen: 20% (21 parts out of a hundred)Carbon Dioxide: 0.03% (3 parts out of a thousand)Rare Gases (Helium, Argon, Krypton, Neon, Xenon and Radon together make up 0.97%)

Sometimes referred to as Air.

I remember when. . .

I remember when I was learning to Programming PLC's, She was there
I remember when I was learning AutoCad, she was there.
I remember when I was getting my masters in Engineering Management, she was there.
I remember when my mom died, she was there.
I remember when I was upset with how things were going at work, she was there
I remember when I was designing and building the fin coating machine, she was there.
I remember when Rob and I were into brewing beer, she was there.
I remember as Rob left for Minnieapolis, she was there.
I remember when I was friends with Bruce, she was there.
I remember when I went to Ballie's to work out, she was there.
I remember when I was really getting into programming computers, she was there.
Here I go, the spiral, down I go. I can't see through my tears.
I remember play eucher with Bruce and Mary, she was there, she was my partner.
I remember riding motorcycles to Telluride, she was there, she was my partner and would be my wife when we got back.
I remember buying my first house, she was there
I remember living at Craig's, she was there
I remember driving back to Ohio with her to meet my parents, she was there, she was my partner
I remember driving from Wadsworth to Pennsylvania listening to Susanne Vega, to visit her grandmother, she was there she was my partner.
I remember reading "Misery" by Stephen King, I remember going to see the movie with her.
I remember reading the Stand together.
This is too much, I need to stop now.

The Train

Man, I really love trains. And I really loved the trains in germany. I put a movie - kind of a bad movie - on the web of a train ride at night and at day. There is also a couple of views of a train station. The movie starts out at a train station in Praque, then in Dresden, then in Munich. The station is in Munich. Click on the "Die Bahn" logo above.

The God Box and the Pencil Box

I got this machine. It is called a "Laser Engraver" The machine can also cut complex shapes accurately. One of the things I have made with it is called a "God Box" It is a box with a hole in it but no lid. The idea is to write down something for which you are grateful or for which you want to turn over to God or your Higher Power or to the universe such as anger at someone for something they did to you. You then put the piece of paper in the hole in the God Box thereby turning it over to whom or what ever you believe you are tuning it over too.

I do this. It is really the ritual or rather the physical action of writing it down on the piece of paper and putting it in the box that helps me in my mental ability to actually "turn it over."

Anyway, here are some pictures of a God Box I made. On the sides of the box are things that I turned over. There are two pictures of my ex-wife engraved on the ends of the box and picture of my boys on the front and a picture of the flatirons of Boulder, CO of which I am letting go. I am not letting go of my boys per se, rather I am letting go of any control that I might have over them. They are in the "ex's" hands. It is really "the way it was" is what I am letting go of.







I also just made a pencil box. Yea Yea Yea, I know you could care less but this is what I have fun doing. I hope to be able to make money at it some day

My Name

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 4 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

popular in China?

My page seems to be popular in China. People visit this page from only one state in the United States and from several different provinces in China. That's it.

New Slang

Yes, I did not attend the Sunday meeting. I think it is healthy. I have to question what I am going to the meeting for. I am not so sure it is really in the true spirit of recovery. I get too much of either and emotional high or an emotional low depending on what the interaction between Carrie and I is like. So whatever it is that I am getting or not getting from Carrie, I should be getting from myself.

I am not seeing what is real. My brain is putting a spin on everything. Typically it is in the favor of: "Oh she, likes me. She wants to go out with me, yada yada yada." and on and on my brain goes. Sometimes I don't know where to draw the line between me and my mind.

Sunday morning I heard a song that I had not heard before: it is called "New Slang" by The Shins. It is kinda nonsensical to me. Some people feel it is about being dumped. I can kinda see how they get that. If this is the case the metaphores are way too cryptic to have any real tangible meaning to me. I think metaphores are to help the reader or listener to get the same kind of feeling that the author, writer and/or speaker/singer has. Anyway, I really love the tune and gee if it is about getting dumped then some of if applies to my ex and some of it applies to Carrie.

Gold Teeth and a curse for this town, were all in my mouth Only I don't know how, they got out dear. Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met. I was happier then with no mind-set. And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well. New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries. Hope it's right when you die, old and bony. Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall, Never should have called But my head's to the wall and i'm lonely. And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree And i'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well. God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs, And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away. I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find. Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine? And if you'd 'a took to me like Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

See what I mean?

God I hope it doesn't take me years to get rid of the obsession I have with her. The most depressing thing is that I never felt this way about my ex. The woman before her, Mary, I was obsessed with also. I was also obsessed with an English instructor in college, her name was Wendy.

Some days I feel so totally fucked. Today is one of them.

I have elected to stop going to that meeting because I really do belong in SLAA.

She goes to dinner with a friend every thursday night - a mutual friend - a woman. Every thrusday I hope she might call and invite me. "ouch!" I had a friend explain to me last night that what I have just done is to make the way I feel dependent on her. Wow!!!! and Ouch! but yes she is right. God, Help me please.

She is learning violin which really touches me. She minored in piano which touches me even further. I have this fantasy of having a girlfriend and sharing the interest of and participating in playing music together. I guess maybe she only came into my life to bring that realization to me.

So now I am going to commit to avoiding her which is actually pretty easy to do . All I have to do is just not go to the sunday meeting. However there are all kinds of behavioral things I need to stop and one is looking into oncoming traffic to see is I see her car. This will kill me and worse yet somebody else. I am fucking crazy. Beware - stay away.

Some days I feel so totally fucked. Today is one of them.

Oooops

I hate to say this but I have fallen for one of the women in one of my meetings. She is very friendly with me but I think she is friendly with everybody. I think my narcissism is a bit out of control. I thought when I got back from Christmas that she seemed be going out of her way to talk with me. She would ask me if I was going to be at next week’s meeting and would tell me that she wouldn’t have her son so she could pay more attention when talking to me.
Me; I put all this stuff together and think, “Oh she must be interested in me!” This, by the way is the first time in my life that I ever thought a women might be interested in me without my solicitation. This did not even happen with my ex-wife. I made a point to go down to the production floor to talk with her. (We met at work.) And, for the longest time it seemed that she would go to lunch with me because, well, hell it seemed better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

I have never before her, (her name is Carrie) or since thought that a woman was interested in me. I have only solicited three times with Mary, with my ex, and with you. What I mean by solicit is asking, “You wanna go to lunch?” or calling on the telephone.

So the first time I have this thought and act on it, I find out that I am wrong. I think I will go back into my shell.

On the last post

The last post was written on Friday the 2nd. Something was wrong with me. I felt "groundless." At least that is the way a friend describes it.

Fridays are kind of rough for me. Last friday was no exception. I ended up writhing in pain crying my eyes out squeezing the neck of my acoustic guitar. I can play really sad chords when I am in this state.

Right now I am in a hotel room in front of the convention center in New Orleans. Just walked around the french quarter. ooouuuu bad! bad! very bad! Sparks off the addiction big time.

Went on my dinner with a friend last thursday. She made sure it was not a date and that there was no more expectation than that. Well, of course there is. But I am stompping it down. I am sure I will be successful at smashing it but never-the-less I seem to be obsessing about it. uh her. She took my number and said she might call sometime. I am waiting for her call. She hasn't.

I can't stand this! I kind of, well, fucked myself on this one.

Alone

Sometimes when I am least expecting it or Sometimes when I know it can happen at anytime it still surprises me. The field breaks down around. All the things I think or believe to be true evaporate. There is nothing I can rely on. My life, the world, the universe becomes really strange and unfamiliar. It is like I was just dropped off here.

Under Pressure

I am so overwhelmed with stressful stuff that I have to do.

• I have to ask my dad for financial helpI have to kind of go through what I might pay in Taxes for 2007. Not 2006 So I can get the proper amount in financial help.
• I have to go to New Orleans the first week in February. (This can be a really bad thing for me. New Orleans or Las Vegas - bad places for Floyd)
• I have to go up to Denver the last weekend in Feb. (these dates just keep coming up so quick I can't see straight.)
• I have to fill out business tax returns for the month of December to the State when I should really be sending the stuff to the city.
• I have to keep in touch with the boys.

There is probably a bunch of other stuff but it seems all of it is getting away from me.

So like I froze big time

Okay, its been 16 years since I have asked a woman on a date. I never had any practice to begin with

A crack at asking a woman out on a date.

I have only asked one woman out on a date. I am 43 years old. This woman was my ex-wife. She always used laugh at how I was waving my arms around when I was asking her out she thought it was "cute." I wonder what she thinks about it now.

You would think I would learn to stay away from the whole thing but no I am stupid. Yes I am. I envision me at some point asking a woman in one of my meetings out for coffee. That is it nothing more. I am no good at nor want to be good at being a "womanizer?" Kinda sounds like a machine.

Like I said I have only asked one woman out in my life. In fact, it is always up to the woman to make the "move" on me. I have only been with three women where I haven't exchanged sex for cash. In all three cases these women initiated sex. I don't think I can do that. I do not want to try to get a woman to have sex with me when she does not really want to have sex with me. This of course flies in the face of what sometimes happened in the first nine years of my 12 year marriage. Yes, I was a pig in my marriage, a real asshole. I really don't want to be a pig and did not want to be one then but I was. I hope I am growing up.

I suspect I will end up asking in much the same way as I did with my ex-wife. Here is how it will go. I have been wanting to ask you something however I am really nervous. I get real nervous around beautiful women. You are beautiful and I am nervous. Anyway would you want to go for coffee some time?

Hey that is honest and admitting to being nervous kinda kills the power of being nervous. Of course if she says yes, then I just completed the absolute most easiest part of the relationship. The rest is up hill from there. However the rewards are wonderful. After climbing the hill abit, if you have done the climb the views and vistas are absolutely spectacular,. . . I hear.

Regarding further visitations

I usually have my friend Kay pick up the boys from the ex and drop them back off when I go up there to visit with them. The ex wants me to pick them up myself. The last time I saw my wife was nov. 24 2005. I asked her if she still loved me or would ever to be able to love me again. I asked if she would let me back into the family again. All she could tell me was to go back and never come here again. I knew she would not feel that way for ever. Never the less this was absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt the most truamatic moment of my life. The reverberations of that blast still echo to this day. I can not simply see her at this time nor do I expect to see her in the foreseeable future (a year at least, could be the rest of my life) The following was my response to her request that I pick up the children from her - i.e. not having third party involvement

Having third party involvement is an essential element that allows me to have successful visits with the boys. It is essential in me taking care of myself It is essential for three reasons which are, I am not capable of seeing you in person at this time, I need to preserve whatever sanity I have achieved to this point, and I need to keep costs of the visits down. The goal I try to achieve in my trips to ______ is that the trips be successful for me, but more importantly, successful for the boys. The only way to this end is that I take the best care of myself that I can while up there. I do this by relying on K__ or a third party.

I forget when it was; I think it was prior to thanksgiving of '06. I asked if we could get together in person with MJ between the divorce hearing and Christmas. In fact, I think I even asked to stay at the house. You did not believe it was such a good idea given the timing. I really believe it was quite a bit of wisdom on your part. During my drive out to Atlanta I thought a lot about me seeing you in person. One thing that kept coming back is the circumstances/situation in which I last saw you. I asked you a number of questions at that time. All those questions have now been answered.

This was a horrific time for both of us. In light of how those questions have now been answered and the haunting memory of November 22 -24th, it is clear to me that I am in no shape to see you in person or to even see the neighbor hood and especially the house under any circumstances at this time or in the foreseeable future. I have come to understand and enjoy the rewards of how stable my life has become in Flagstaff. This stability is significantly disrupted when I leave this place for any reason. This disruption seems to be more profound when I make the trip up there to see the boys. Although it is more than I had anticipated, I do have the support to handle it. I was reticent to start these visits because I didn't think I could handle the disruption. I believe it would not be in anybody's best interest for me to see you, see the neighborhood, or see the house at this time. I believe that us seeing each other under any type of circumstance would severely jeopardize the work I have done in the last year. Not seeing you is very important in taking care of myself.

Another important aspect of taking care of myself is relying on other people appropriately. I rely on at least 25 people down here. I have friends that drive down to phoenix to pick me up at the airport (a six hour commitment and a tank of gas) I just did the same for somebody last night and was honored that I was asked to do it. For what ever reason, I don't consider myself and the help I ask for as being a burden to these people. It is this kind of help that I have come to realize that I can not do without. God not only wants me get help when needed but requires that I get help when needed. I am guessing that asking for this type of help is what is making you uncomfortable. To a large extent, when I lived up in Denver, I was living in the insanity of trying to do everything myself on an emotional level. (I admit that I did not do many things by myself that I should have.) I gave up “not asking for help” to God when I accepted the job down here. I am quite a bit more sane now that I rely on other people for help. If they are able to help then it is something that is meant to be. If they can not help then it is something that is not meant to be. It is just this simple

Finally, I bought a newer model car as opposed to the 93 honda civic dx in order to provide reliable affordable way to see the boys. It provides transportation to get up there, provides transportation for me and the boys once I am there, and provides a place to spend the night while in transit. This is the alternative to driving down to and from Phoenix, parking, air fare, car rental, and hotel. The Honda does not work anymore. I only give you this information to say that to require a hotel because the boys and I can not stay with a third party somewhat defeats this strategy. The point is, is that I can only visit the boys if I am able to keep the costs down. I am sure this will only be a short term problem.

Because of these reasons and until I am able to find other people to rely on up there I rely on Kay. If she has given you the indication that she can no longer help or you feel we are abusing the help she is offering, then I will work on making other arrangements. If you are adamant about not having third party involvement altogether then I will defer visits with the children until such time as I am confident that seeing you in person will not jeopardize my sobriety and stability. I hope you at least understand my reasoning and do not view third party involvement as me "playing games."

I understand that based on my past behavior this can lead you to conclude, "He's just playing games with me." Even if you understand my reasoning you may still require that no third party be involved any more. I honor, respect, and ultimately accept this decision and accordingly will accept the responsibility and be accountable for the consequences that ensue.

The only thing I ask is that you be true to yourself. This may mean that when you say you do not want Kay or any third party to be involved anymore, and you know this to be your truth then I ask that you stick to this truth. It is evident that you have been able to do this since November of ‘05 thereby demonstrating your recovery. Given my background and my problems as a result I do not believe I could have found a better person to marry or a better person to then divorce me.

Thanks

Andy

God does for us what we can not do for ourselves:

I get off the highway in OKC with the intent of getting off the wagon. Several things intercede though. The first is just getting off the highway. The exit is one of those that makes an immediate right angle turn onto a frontage road. I miss the right angle turn at the end of the exit and cut across the corner and then onto the frontage road. This is so totally awful but I am writing it out to acknowledge that once again I am powerless over this addiction and my fucking life is un-fucking-manageable.

I get off the highway get on the frontage road and head west to a bridge over the highway, cross that bridge and head east on the frontage road on the other side of the highway. Just as my eyes spy a place called fantasy something or other my phone starts ringing. I pass the place immediately forgetting about it. I make it to the street that was right before where I exited the highway. My phone stops ringing. I head south and then take the first right heading west. I pull into a gas station/convenience store and get my phone that is laying on the floor of the passenger's seat. It was my friend Tara. I listen to the message and try to call her back. (As I look at it, this is actually pretty good because I actually called her back. I mean typically nothing interferes with the addiction, nothing!) Anyway, I say screw it and get back on the highway and head for Amarillo.

In Amarillo I get off the get off the highway to find a gas station in the hopes that there might be some type of "establishment" near by. The phone rings again. It is another friend. I answer. My addictive episode now somewhat weakened or less severe is interupted by this call.

The snowstorm has kicked up and the streets are covered with ice. I skate through an intersection where there is a gas station. I go to the gas station, get gas, and go in to get a bottle of water. There is a cash machine in there. Thinking that cash might come in handy, I decide to get some cash. (The episode, although weakend, is still underway.) The machine spits my card back out much more quickly than I had expected and a reciept is printed. "Insufficient funds" is the primary message. (Cash facilitates my addiction - kinda makes "things" easier to get.)

Totally depressed and full of shame I get back on the highway and head for Albuquerque. The snow storm strengthens. My addictive episode fades. Immediately, I run into stopped traffic out in the middle of nowhere. It takes about an hour and a half to travel the next eighteen miles where there is an exit with one loan gas station on the other side of the highway. I go across the highway to the gas station. The gas station is not open but the parking lot is packed with trucks

I really have to pee. It seems to be really crowded out in the middle of nowhere so I go back across the highway only to see that the westbound lane has turned into a parking lot once again. I continue pass the entrance ramp down onto a desterted frontage road. I stop off to the side of the frontage road, pee into a cup, roll down the window, and dump the pee out of the cup. (better than getting out in the snow and standing in front of the westbound parking lot) I get in the back of the forerunner, climb into my sleeping bag and go to sleep where I sleep quite well.

The following morning the eastern sky is ablaze with the rising sun. The snow storm has passed and so has the episode. Although I had taken a lot of hits, it appears as though I had won the battle. I won that battle with the help from my higher power.

Thank you God, no! I really mean it. Thank you! I am so grateful! I am still on the wagon - on my way I know not where.

Stay on the Path

I seem to be trekking along in my journey in a place where it is not safe to get off the path or the highway.

Having fun. . .

in the vacuum of the holiday.

How facisious is that? I will tell you it is really facetious.

The first 1200 miles went off seemingly without a hitch. Then yesterday I got to spend all day in Tucumcari. They seemed to have gotten a little snow in Albuquerque - kinda went along with Denver's storm.

I had my guitar with me this trip. While wasting away in Tucumcari. I happened to run across the chords to Landslide. My wife, I mean ex-wife, liked the Dixie Chicks version of this song. Nobody does it like Stevie if you ask me. Anyway, once again the floodgates opened.

Thank you God.

While in Atlanta, I met a person I communicate with on this blog - you know who you are. ha ha ha. I was pretty nervous about it. It turned out well. - must say very cute daughter and gracious husband. The man is lucky. The woman, of course, lucky as well.

Once again, another reason to thank God on this, the first day of 2007.