Exactly what happened

during the addiction discovery between you and the ex?

Well it was really a discovery for both of us. Realizing I am powerless over this really help(s)(ed). Putting up the white flag and surrendering is kind of a relief. With all the earnestness in my heart I did not want to be doing what I was doing. I never wanted to decieve her.

When I turned around and looked at what I had done (been doing), I was horrified. The ex was and is one of the sweetest and prettiest women I have known yet look what I did. During the discovery, what I called the disclosure, I told her all I had done as completely and as thoroughly as I could.

In April of 2004, she finally delved into one of my journals and found direct reference to my activity. She called me at work one morning and told me that we had to talk. I left the building and took a walk on the railroad tracks as I was talking to her on the cell phone. I was cursing the fucking railroad because there were no trains coming by. I think I would have happily laid down in front of one at the time.

She didn't want to leave me and she didn't. She believed I was caught in an addiction and I was. I started going to meetings at that time. For about the next thirty days the addiciton lifted. I mean it was gone and I felt good. I engaged in no activity in anyway, shape, or form. Although she and I were still intimate.

All was quiet. We knew I had a problem and I was going to work on it. All I had ahead of me was just work. I was free. I felt free. She told me that day as I walked the tracks that the truth would set me free. She told me that if it hadn't been me it would have been somebody else just like me or perhaps even worse. And yes there could be worse.

Then after about thirty days, it started coming back. It gradually seeped back into every facet of my thinking. I couldn't just turn this stuff off. If it was as simple as "don't do it!" I would have not done it long ago.

The addiction invades every area, every facility, every faculty of strength my brain possesses. Soon every facility, memory, power of reason, logical thought, were being used to support the addiction. And in the space of two months it was back in force while I was at work.

In the summer of 2005 I moved to Flagstaff. While it didn't make it to the work place, on November first of 2004 I once again violated the marriage. This time I took no steps to hide it. I was too tired. I was exhausted.

She found out once again. It was christmas of 2005 yet another confrontation. Another breach of trust. As I look back on it we should have ended it then. - the marriage that is. At that point I got more serious about the program but not serious enough! For the next 8 to 9 months I no longer acted out but my anger became greater and greater. The verbal and emotional abuse became greater and greater until the events of November 22, 2005 unfolded.

The addiction was pissed and so stripped me of everything I had known. Now I have nothing to do but work on beating this mother fucker. The only way I can beat this thing is to surrender. Get rid of the hate. Get rid of the resentments. When somebody does me wrong I have to take away the lesson - not get pissed at them. That feeds this addiction.