She goes to dinner with a friend every thursday night - a mutual friend - a woman. Every thrusday I hope she might call and invite me. "ouch!" I had a friend explain to me last night that what I have just done is to make the way I feel dependent on her. Wow!!!! and Ouch! but yes she is right. God, Help me please.
She is learning violin which really touches me. She minored in piano which touches me even further. I have this fantasy of having a girlfriend and sharing the interest of and participating in playing music together. I guess maybe she only came into my life to bring that realization to me.
So now I am going to commit to avoiding her which is actually pretty easy to do . All I have to do is just not go to the sunday meeting. However there are all kinds of behavioral things I need to stop and one is looking into oncoming traffic to see is I see her car. This will kill me and worse yet somebody else. I am fucking crazy. Beware - stay away.
Some days I feel so totally fucked. Today is one of them.
1 comment:
Don't feel so badly. The way I was raised was just the verbal abuse vs. your physical and verbal. Surely you remember discussing it, among other things.
I understand how difficult it is to believe someone really cares about you; you spend you whole life fighting to believe it and fighting the person who cares about you.
How are you doing? did you really skip the meeting yesterday?
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