Digging around in the Wreckage.

Well, I guess that is about all I can do now. I wonder what happened to Myra44.  You out there?  I am back out here.  We walked along on the path for a while then she left.  Don't know what happened.  Think I got too positive.

Anyway, think I'll just keep digging to see if I can find anything.

[Starts to dig; Talks while digging - actually not really digging so much as moving debris out of the way]
Once again, I am surrounded by the wreckage.  This time, I'd like to think I did not cause this. I certainly had a part in it in that I got on the train knowing full well where it might be headed.  But you know what, nothing would have or would keep me off that train.  Knowing how the trip went and the time I had, I'd do it again.

Ya know there still is wreckage from ten years ago out here.  Just remnants though.  See there.  [points to a scrap piece of metal on the floor] that one belonged to Myra.  [Stops, reflects] Yeah, I was still creating some to wreckage back then.

Yeah, she's gone. Just traces that's all.

[Stops, looks at camera.]
Anyway, I am just trying to sort things out. I started by reviewing the time line.  I think when I look at the whole thing in a clinical manner, it just doesn't hurt as much.  So I tried to map a little bit of it out in the previous post.  Just sorting out the pieces, putting similar pieces together in their only little areas kind of like a jigsaw puzzle, ya know?  I don't know why that would help but it seemed to make me feel better.

So I am recording it all here, just like I did before.  That's what made me think of Myra.  She was cute and I was hurt and I fell.  She liked this firefighter dude but was married.  I would obsess about her for a little bit but really not too much.  I mean thinking about her took me out of the pain for a while.  I mean, when I was looking at her, I wasn't looking at the wreckage.  Then she left.  Hmmm, I wonder if there is anything in there about the "Sunday night girl."

Yup! found her but not under "Sunday night girl"  That was what I called her when I was talking with Tara or would go to the SLAA meetings.  "Sunday night girl" was code for Carrie.  Still don't know her last name.  I talked about her in meetings even when Wendy was there.  At the time figured I'd never be in a relationship with her, Wendy that is.

I am going through this blog like a junkyard.  Picking up pieces and looking at them - trying to remember.  The pieces are memories, memories made a bit more clear because the memories are in writing.  So, I hope the metaphor isn't too cryptic.

Back to the Junk Yard.