Circle

Finally figured out what this song means and why I identified with it so much.

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we
notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends on you touching ground with us.

But, I quit.
I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.
And I quit.
I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say goodbye.

Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet -- the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are- that means you and....

I quit --
I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit.
I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say...

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we
notice you don't come around.

Ha la la la la la la

Lambasted

I got lambasted at group last night.

Actually there is this possibility that nobody there actually lambasted me. (well maybe one person actually did)

It started when I missed or actually decided not to go to group last week. Appearently somebody got really pissed because lil' ol' me did not show up. There was another person that did not show up as well. So the issue was raised to a higher level. She had a lot of work to do and she needed us there.

First of all, Wow!, I am that fucking important. - am I????

When we started group I appologized for missing the previous week and told the group that I was placing my needs above the group's needs and I would try not to do that again. Appearently, that was not good enough. It came up as a group business issue.

I have more on this and will write about it later.

The Snow Globe

Someone told me that this is what has happened to me.

Dude!

They not only shook your snow globe, they rearranged the village inside!

I love that analogy!!!!

The Smell

For some reason it was the smell. The smell! I can still actually conjure up the smell in my mind. It was the smell like that of a package of bandaids. That smell is typical of any hospital and was probably no stronger than the smell of anyother hospital but at that time and for those two days it was extremely intense.

I see my pants. I see my belt being removed. I see my shoe laces being taken. My wallet, my keys, my meds, all that was left underwear, shoes, socks, pants, and my Led Zeppelin T-shirth

I then feel the panic. I feel the confusion. I feel the intense burning regret. The shame I feel is beyond description.
Then I feel. . .

The anger and the hatred. The almighty powerful hatred. It makes my head tingle. I feel the tingling in my temples. I feel like my hair is raising on end. I feel the adrenalin. My hatred for her soars.

I never want to see her fucking wretched face again as long as I live.

The anger burns intense and it burns deep. It is the fire that fuels my recovery. It is also the fire that will hinder my recovery. More importantly it is the fire that will hinder my recovery. The best expression of anger and send her direction is to simply recover. Recover and be happy no matter how little I have now.

The smell, . . I can't forget that smell.

Wow!

42 years old and still listening to Zeppelin.

I was in 9th grade when I first listened to Physical Graffiti. I am listening to In the Light and it takes me right back to ninth grade when I was trying out dope which I never really got good at. Sex was my thing.

Urgency

Whenever I have a sense of urgency about something there is a good chance that there is an addiction at work.

Time

42 revolutions about the sun, 309 earth rotations, and 399 thousdanths of one earth rotation completed.

Currently surviving 311th upper meridian transit of 42nd revolution about local star.

Apparently, the mission is not yet complete as I am still living.

This job would be so much easier if I knew what I were doing

Men and Directions!

this is the main reason men don't ask women for directions.

Funny Juicer Commercial

The man flys into a tub of oranges to squeeze the juice out.

Wild Geese

Andy,
Thought I'd send you a copy of this poem I sent to someone else. I
love it. It wraps around me like a warm blanket. Hope you enjoy it
too.
Blessings!
Tara



WILD GEESE by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on you knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
The world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Blessings,
Tara

Roots of Leadership, Management & Supervision

I choose to create the experience of: _____________________ (name of an emotion)

Because I choose to addictively demand:__________________ (a specific outcome or result to a specific situation)

Ken Keyes Jr.

For some reason there is a flood

a flood of memories of November 22nd through the 24th.


Life carries on in the people I meet
In every one that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on...
And on Life carries on and on and on...
Life carries on and on and on...
And on Life carries on and on and on...
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on...
And on Life carries on and on and on...

I am sitting in my office

balling my eyes out.
- over the loss of the dream I thought I was living. Sometimes I wonder if I am just grieving that my life is going bye.

Hey did I tell you

When I got back to work I incessently listened to "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel. We both liked Peter Gabriel at one point. We even went to see him at McNichols Arena.

Tara,

Here is something interesting that cameto me early this morning and then something else that came to me whiletalking to Patrick.

The first thing is: Gratitude.
When I first heard about the gratitudelist, I thought to myself, "Gee, Oh how nice, that is rignt up there with mother hood and apple pie." Then I thought: "How in the hell is this do goody good bullshit going to help me now that I have been kicked out of my family. I mean what in f*#& do I have to be greatful for anyway?"

Then I heard at an ACOA meeting somebody say nothing feels quite as good as gratitude. My thought was, "What!?"The concept was foreign it just did not make any sense. That was around March or April. Since then I have come to, at the very least, a partial understanding of how good gratitude feels when I truly have it.

This morning when I woke up there was a triggering thought that went through my head. I forget what the thought was but it triggered the following thought, and that is this.

It is very important to have gratitude. It is very important to be grateful. There are quite a number of things, you know, little tid bits of information that are very important like the following: Beware of strangers, Look both ways before crossing the street. Don't stick your tongue in a lamp socket (with the lamp plugged in and turned on of course), If you are going to make it through life you must have gratitude otherwise you will die a miserable death.

The gratitude must be genuine. For instance I am really grateful for the roof over my head, my food, and clothing. I mean I really am. I really feel good because I have those three essential things. I really feel good about this. This is what gratitude is to me. I mean I really really REALLY feel good about my little hovel of a room that I go home to each day.

Anyway I wrote all that to write this: The thought struck me that gratitude is a really important thing. The thought struck me in a very "panicy" way. Like,"Oh my God, I need to have gratitude now!" Kind of like being in Phoenix in the middle of the July and thinking, "I need to remember to NOT leave the baby strapped in the car while I go in to go grocery shopping." It struck me with that level of intensity. I mean really intense. I know I sound nuts but that is how intense the feeling of needing to have graditude was.

The second thing came to me while talking with Patrick and that is this:

When I was a kid I had thoughts or expectations of going to highschool. When I was in high school I had thoughts and expectations of going to college. When I was in college I had thoughts and expectations of getting a job. After I got the job I had thoughts and expectations of having a girl friend. After I had the girl friend I had thoughts and expectations of getting married and having kids, a house, a car, a white picket fence etc.

Then, I got those things. That is asfar as my thoughts and expectations went. That was it . I mean there was the thought of growing old together with Ronda, but for me, my thoughts and expectations seemed to stop right there. They (thoughts and expectations) did not go beyond the house the kids having a steady paying job, car, and white picket fence. (actually we had a spit rail brownish grey stained fence painted according to the covenents of the home owners' association)

I had arrived at the destination. I was there. I made it. Now what? That was around 1995. Now what? What do I do now? I'm here. (keep in mind this is just an analogy) The vision stopped for the most part. I began to just hang out in life. I can remember thinking at that time the following, "Gee, I am just kinda hanging out in life." or"Gee, I've just been hanging out in life for the last several years." I really remember thinking this!

However, I as well as you are one of the chosen ones in a manner of speaking. We were given a nudge to keep on traveling. My nudge finally came in the form of a kick in the ass on November 22nd, 2005. Actually I had been getting nudges to get moving prior to that but those nudges went unheeded. (nudges and kick in the ass free of charge courtesy of my Higher Power of my Understanding.)

So guess what? I did get up of my dead ass and got moving! Well, it turns out that the reason I stopped was I only had a map that covered the area up to the wife, house, car, kids, and brownish grey split rail fence painted according to the covenents of the home owners association. I mean I have looked all over the map to try to figure out where the hell I am but all the terrain around me appears nowhere on the map. The best I can figure is that I am now off the map. All the land marks, road signs I used to use no longer work they aren't around. They have been or are being removed. I suppose I could stop but frankly, I am out in the elements and I don't think I could weather it for very long out here so I need to keep moving.

I keep hearing about somegreat place ahead. People have told me about it. But,as it turns out and as I look around, I am enjoying the scenery - really I am. Plus, I am always wondering, "What is around the next mountain."Some times I wonder if the road ahead is going to head on right up the mountain or go around it. I really can't tell from here. I guess I will keep on moving and find out.

One thing for sure is that I realize I am off the map and even if I wanted to go back and did, the chances are slim to none that I could find my way back there. But I don't want to go back.

The other thing is that now that I don't have the map I need to look for guidance elsewhere. Don't be fooled by misleading signs like, "Guidance Center" I appear to be getting guidance from somewhere. I guess I just need to trust that guidance. In fact, maybe I should just let whoever or whatever is giving me the guidance do the driving as well. I will just go along for the ride.

I thought this was a neat analogy and my EGO really wanted to share it. Kind of like "look at me, lookey what I thought up." This analogy made me feel really good about what I am going through and seems to give me a sense of comfort but more importantly a sense of adventure like this is actually really neat all these experiences are really neat!

By the way you are or have been unwittingly one of my most trusted guides. Probably the most trusted guide I have ever had. You did a wonderful job yesterday. Ireally mean that! I really got a lot out of yesterday. At least for the moment I choose to look at my life as traveling down the road without a map. Seems a bit more fun this way. You're giving excellent directions. I am finding that I seem to go to the really neat places and see the really neat things when I follow your directions. Thanks for the directions.

Andy


Andy,

What a great analogy! Don't have time for a long reply, but I'm so glad for you. You've probably never heard of the "cornucopia center of consciousness." (It's in Living Love.) But you obviously got there when you wrote this e. When I was pretty new in AA (and I despised gratitude mtgs, made me want to throw up) a guy shared "You'd better get gratitude." That got my attention. The part in the big book about the guy who's whistling in the dark is also about that. He pretends everything's ok, but it's not because he's not grateful for his sobriety, and without that he can't hang on to it.

Thanks for the appreciation. I appreciate you, too.

Thinking About Living Love,

Tara

If you had to admit to something, which would you rather admit to?:

a.) Being powerless over Alcohol or
b.) Being powerless over sexual acting out. (sex addiction)

My sponser wants me to believe that my real addiction is alcohol and the sex addiction is not an addiction but an ancilary problem resulting from my alcoholism.

If you had to admit to something, which would you rather admit to?:

a.) Being powerless over Alcohol or
b.) Being powerless over sexual acting out. (sex addiction)

My sponcer wants believes that my real addiction is alcohol and the sex addiction is not an addiction but an ancilary problem resulting from my alcoholism.

This is the book of Floyd

I was named after a hill in Colorado. I no longer live in Colorado and when I go back, which at some point I will; it is going to be exceptionally painful. She was the only love I had ever had until we had our three children. All the stuff I learned as a kid to stay alive caused me to loose her and my children. Now I must start over again.

God help me.

Publicly Humiliated

So yesterday, I had a meeting to discuss a project I along with two other people are working on. A number of my peers were there. My boss was there and the next guy above him was there. At the end of the meeting I and the other two guys were berated in front of everybody in the meeting for not working as a team. I don't beleive any of us felt like we were not working as a team. But that doesn't matter. If it did not appear to him that we were working as a team so be it. The problem is, is being dressed down in front of everybody.

As the day went on, I found myself becoming increasingly pissed off. I also found myself really scratching at my leg. My left upper leg really started to itch bad. Several times I had to go to the bathroom just to itch the shit out of my leg.

By the end of the day, I found myself thinking about what I would like to say at our next meeting. This what I thought:

Just after everybody sits down, I would close the door, then ask, "So does anybody have any ass chewin they would like to do. I would like to get that part of the meeting out of the way first. I mean now is the time to publicly humiliate people if you feel the need to to do it. I mean if it will help you feel better to make another person here feel lower than whale excrement at the bottom of the deepest regions of the seas then now is the time in the meeting that I would like that to take place."

In fact I might even publish a meeting agenda. It might look something like this:

1.) Fuck over other people in meeting in front of peers.
2.) Discuss subject of meeting
3.) Topic 1
4.) Topic 2
5.) etc.

But I am over it now.

Remember:

Foregiveness is the answer

A cruel place

The world feels like a very cruel place today.