When we met sixteen years ago I didn't know. Hell, eight, six, years ago. I didn't know. Now, I do.
I will over come this. I will get through this.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Murder
I don't want this anger burning in me
It's something from which it's so hard to be free
And all the tears that we cry in sorrow or rage
Could make any difference or turn back the page.
It's something from which it's so hard to be free
And all the tears that we cry in sorrow or rage
Could make any difference or turn back the page.
Get me away from this crazy fucking bitch!
Take me away Elizabeth. I can not sit with myself.
Let's run away you and I. Let's leave just us. Let's go to Africa like you said when we talked briefly.
I know I could make it on my own if I try.
but I'm lookin' for a great heart to stand me by
underneath the African sky
a great heart to stand me by.
She has told me to fuck off and die in a "round about" sort of way. She wants everything and wants me to have nothing. She is coming after me like an animal. I am scared. Do I fight or flight. I can't sit with myself. I want to do one of the two. All I can do is sit and wait for her to ring the bell to begin the fight.
Find me Elizabeth. Find me as soon as possible.
Get me away from this crazy bitch. Let her die in her own fucking excrement like she deserves.
Get me away from her. Please find me and get me away from her!!!!
I screamed these words. I screamed them at the sky. But I got nothing. I still sit here waiting for the crazy bitch from hell to attack. I am scared but this is what I set in motion over the last 16 years. This is what I set in motion. There will be no Elizabeth.
Let's run away you and I. Let's leave just us. Let's go to Africa like you said when we talked briefly.
I know I could make it on my own if I try.
but I'm lookin' for a great heart to stand me by
underneath the African sky
a great heart to stand me by.
She has told me to fuck off and die in a "round about" sort of way. She wants everything and wants me to have nothing. She is coming after me like an animal. I am scared. Do I fight or flight. I can't sit with myself. I want to do one of the two. All I can do is sit and wait for her to ring the bell to begin the fight.
Find me Elizabeth. Find me as soon as possible.
Get me away from this crazy bitch. Let her die in her own fucking excrement like she deserves.
Get me away from her. Please find me and get me away from her!!!!
I screamed these words. I screamed them at the sky. But I got nothing. I still sit here waiting for the crazy bitch from hell to attack. I am scared but this is what I set in motion over the last 16 years. This is what I set in motion. There will be no Elizabeth.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Give me a sign
by Blind Willie Johnson
In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn
All I want for you to do is take my body home
Well, well, well, so I can die easy (X2)
Jesus, gonna make up my dyin' bed.
Meet me, Jesus, meet me.
Meet me in the middle of the airIf my wings should fail me, Lord.
Please meet me with another pair
Well, well, well, so I can die easy (X2)
Jesus, gonna make up.. somebody, somebody...
Jesus gonna make up...
Jesus gonna make you my dyin' bed
Oh, Saint Peter, i command to live...
Won't you let me in I never did no harm.
I never did no wrong
Oh, Gabriel, let me blow your horn.
Let me blow your horn Oh,
I never did, did no harm.
I've only been this young once.
I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong
No, not once.
Oh, I did somebody some good. Somebody some good...
Oh, did somebody some good. I must have did somebody some good...
Oh, I believe I did
I see the smiling faces
I know I must have left some traces
And I see them in the streets
And I see them in the field
And I hear them shouting under my feet
And I know it's got to be real
Oh, Lord, deliver me
All the wrong I've done
You can deliver me,
Lord I only wanted to have some fun.
Hear the angels marchin', hear the' marchin', hear them marchin', hear them marchin', the' marchin'
Oh my Jesus... (repeat)
Oh, don't you make it my dyin', dyin', dyin'...cough
Given a sign
(Studio Chatter: "That's gonna be the one, Andy""Come have a listen, then. " Oh yes, thank you.")
Scared, yet again
Could you talk to my wife? Just kidding.
She has every logical reason to want to go.
I am living in a world of fear today. My wife has made it known that she wants every thing I have. She does not want me to have a life after the divorce. She essentially wants me dead. I am so fucking scared I can't think straight.
I think I could either get so scared that I could commit suicide
or I could get so angry I could commit suicide.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
That thing I wrote about falling through the ice, I feel like I am in the water right now. You along with all the other people I know here in flagstaff are cheering me on. But you guys really can't do anything. It is next to impossible to rescue somebody that has fallen through the ice I think. I mean if your just dressed normal. It is extremely risky for the would be rescuer, if not really stupid. So all anybody can really do is just watch, kind of cheer me on and hope I make it. But I think my arms are starting to slow down as the hypothermia sets in.
If the next communiqué I get from her is through a lawyer I am going to just listen to the bubbles as I fall asleep.
She has every logical reason to want to go.
I am living in a world of fear today. My wife has made it known that she wants every thing I have. She does not want me to have a life after the divorce. She essentially wants me dead. I am so fucking scared I can't think straight.
I think I could either get so scared that I could commit suicide
or I could get so angry I could commit suicide.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
That thing I wrote about falling through the ice, I feel like I am in the water right now. You along with all the other people I know here in flagstaff are cheering me on. But you guys really can't do anything. It is next to impossible to rescue somebody that has fallen through the ice I think. I mean if your just dressed normal. It is extremely risky for the would be rescuer, if not really stupid. So all anybody can really do is just watch, kind of cheer me on and hope I make it. But I think my arms are starting to slow down as the hypothermia sets in.
If the next communiqué I get from her is through a lawyer I am going to just listen to the bubbles as I fall asleep.
I need to stop
thinking.
My mind comes up with all these thoughts. These hideous scary thoughts. about her, about what she is doing, about how angry she may be.
My mind comes up with all these thoughts. These hideous scary thoughts. about her, about what she is doing, about how angry she may be.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
On a mountain half way between Reno and Rome
Mary Jane suggested I make a photo album or some type of scrap book that symolizes my good bye to you. Actually, the following idea occurred to me at christmas and that was to take a bicycle ride. It would be the bicycle ride that Scott Richards and I took at the beginning of our college education. It was from Columbus Ohio to Wadsworth. I plan to do this starting June 9th. The actual bike ride will take place on June 12th. It was either June 12th or july 12th that we got married. I don't want to know anymore. I know it was on the 12th and it was one of those summer "J" month. But I am now really trying to forget. Back then Colorado was just one of those big square states out west. I want to put Colorado back into that frame of reference. I will never live there again. It will be a long long time before I go back, if ever. I will forget. I will bury. My bicycle ride is the ground breaking ceremony for the hole I am going to dig to bury the past 16 years.
After Mary Jane made the suggestion, the rest of the plan became crystal clear. I am taking my video camera. Halfway between Reno and Ro . . wait no different story. (See even when I am crying I still have a sense of humor) Almost dead smack at the halfway point is a beautiful sandstone church with a beautiful shade tree. As Scott and I sat under that shade tree many years ago almost too many to count now, we agreed to come back when we were "old" you know like 35. I plan to sit under that shade tree again. After I am done resting, I will get back on my bike, I will leave the church, Scott, and my wedding band behind.
After Mary Jane made the suggestion, the rest of the plan became crystal clear. I am taking my video camera. Halfway between Reno and Ro . . wait no different story. (See even when I am crying I still have a sense of humor) Almost dead smack at the halfway point is a beautiful sandstone church with a beautiful shade tree. As Scott and I sat under that shade tree many years ago almost too many to count now, we agreed to come back when we were "old" you know like 35. I plan to sit under that shade tree again. After I am done resting, I will get back on my bike, I will leave the church, Scott, and my wedding band behind.
My Friend Scott
My friend Scott and I first met in 6th grade. We both played trumpet. I started sixth grade at Valley View Elementary School. One morning at the end of trumpet lessons, Mr. Baldwin, or Sarge as we would later come to refer to him, told us to show up the following morning at Central Junior High School at 7:30 in the morning to play in "Band"
The following morning my mom took me down town and dropped me off. I went into the back of the school to the band room. My mom knew where it was because she had taken my sister there four years previously. Mr Baldwin called out names one at a time to seat us in our respective chairs. He not only directed Senior high concert and marching bands but he also taught all beginning brass lessons all over Wadsworth. This consisted of 5 elementary schools. There were 4 trumpet players at valley view. There were probably 4 trumpet players at Isham, Franklin, Lincoln, and Overlook. Sarge must have already ranked all twenty of us. He called us out in order of chair and seat, first chair first seat, first chair second seat, second chair first seat, and so on. I think I was second chair first seat and Scott who was from Overlook was second chair second seat. We sat down and talked a little bit wondering what this was all about. He seemed like an affable kind of character. I thought he isn't so bad I kind of like him.
And so started my friendship with Scott.
I miss you Scott. I miss you alot.
The following morning my mom took me down town and dropped me off. I went into the back of the school to the band room. My mom knew where it was because she had taken my sister there four years previously. Mr Baldwin called out names one at a time to seat us in our respective chairs. He not only directed Senior high concert and marching bands but he also taught all beginning brass lessons all over Wadsworth. This consisted of 5 elementary schools. There were 4 trumpet players at valley view. There were probably 4 trumpet players at Isham, Franklin, Lincoln, and Overlook. Sarge must have already ranked all twenty of us. He called us out in order of chair and seat, first chair first seat, first chair second seat, second chair first seat, and so on. I think I was second chair first seat and Scott who was from Overlook was second chair second seat. We sat down and talked a little bit wondering what this was all about. He seemed like an affable kind of character. I thought he isn't so bad I kind of like him.
And so started my friendship with Scott.
I miss you Scott. I miss you alot.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Relief
I can't let it go. I get paniced. I notice that I keep sucking in large amounts of air to compensate for me holding my breath. I think that I am literally forgetting to breath. Everytime I think about the future, I forget to breath.
I am out here in the lake. The crack in the thin ice has propogated to the shore and in an instant I am cold and wet. I am uncomfortable and irritated. All I want to do is get out of this and go home. I attempt to swim to the shore but the ice is in the way. I try to get up on the ice but I can't. I see people on the shore. I here a couple of people say, "Come on Floyd! Come on!" Ibegin to grab more desperately at the ice. "Ata boy, We're rootin' for ya. You got it Floyd, you're so close." I am flailing in the icy water. Everybody is on the banks cheering me on. I grab at the ice's edge but my hands just slip right off. The panic increases. "Go Floyd Go!" yells the crowd I try to grab at the ice with my finger nails. "Yes, that's it you can do it!" from voices in the crowd. The ice is to hard. "Come on Floyd you can do it!" the voices swell again. I grab at the ice only this time a little slower. I try to dig in again with my fingernails. I break one off; the pain is excruciating. "Aww Floyd" The crowd yells in disappointment. I make another attempt but the cold water is taking it's toll I am getting slower and slower. I am loosing strength. I can no longer raise my arms above the water. There are no more cheers only sighs of disappointment. I look to the shore. I only see the backs of the people walking away. It is getting more and more quiet. "Well, he gave it a good try anyway." The voice dwindles off into the distance. My arms have stopped. I can't move them. I can't move my legs. The shore is empty and quiet as my head slips below the waterline for the last time. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I continue to sink into the cold murky depth of the icewater pond. I notice myself becoming incredibly sleepy. I can hear the muffled sound of bubbles drifting off into the distance as I fall asleep. Relief
I am out here in the lake. The crack in the thin ice has propogated to the shore and in an instant I am cold and wet. I am uncomfortable and irritated. All I want to do is get out of this and go home. I attempt to swim to the shore but the ice is in the way. I try to get up on the ice but I can't. I see people on the shore. I here a couple of people say, "Come on Floyd! Come on!" Ibegin to grab more desperately at the ice. "Ata boy, We're rootin' for ya. You got it Floyd, you're so close." I am flailing in the icy water. Everybody is on the banks cheering me on. I grab at the ice's edge but my hands just slip right off. The panic increases. "Go Floyd Go!" yells the crowd I try to grab at the ice with my finger nails. "Yes, that's it you can do it!" from voices in the crowd. The ice is to hard. "Come on Floyd you can do it!" the voices swell again. I grab at the ice only this time a little slower. I try to dig in again with my fingernails. I break one off; the pain is excruciating. "Aww Floyd" The crowd yells in disappointment. I make another attempt but the cold water is taking it's toll I am getting slower and slower. I am loosing strength. I can no longer raise my arms above the water. There are no more cheers only sighs of disappointment. I look to the shore. I only see the backs of the people walking away. It is getting more and more quiet. "Well, he gave it a good try anyway." The voice dwindles off into the distance. My arms have stopped. I can't move them. I can't move my legs. The shore is empty and quiet as my head slips below the waterline for the last time. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I continue to sink into the cold murky depth of the icewater pond. I notice myself becoming incredibly sleepy. I can hear the muffled sound of bubbles drifting off into the distance as I fall asleep. Relief
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Macy's Sunday Morning
I am sitting at Macy's this morning. They have an internet connection here that allows me to post to my blog and send e-mails and stuff like that. It is kind of neat - until my battery runs out.
It is a regular "fern bar" type of place rich in that "open butthole" atmosphere. I will leave it to the reader to interpret the analogies to their liking or disliking - whatever the case may be. On Saturday and Sunday mornings it is the "happenin'" place to be. When school is in, students from the local college are here with their laptops, yuppies and yuppy families show up on bicycles or in their landrovers or hummers. In the winter this is a stopping off point for that totally organic, hormone free, msg free asperagus tofu brownie.
I guess what really pisses me off is that the coffee really is good and the all organic vegan pastries are really good. This of course make them suspect as to whether they really are organic and vegan. They sell art here primarily photographs taken by one of the owners. The photographs are politically charged "staged or contrived" pictures which don't particularly appeal to me. I like natural and/or candid photos. Anyway that is Macy's.
It is a regular "fern bar" type of place rich in that "open butthole" atmosphere. I will leave it to the reader to interpret the analogies to their liking or disliking - whatever the case may be. On Saturday and Sunday mornings it is the "happenin'" place to be. When school is in, students from the local college are here with their laptops, yuppies and yuppy families show up on bicycles or in their landrovers or hummers. In the winter this is a stopping off point for that totally organic, hormone free, msg free asperagus tofu brownie.
I guess what really pisses me off is that the coffee really is good and the all organic vegan pastries are really good. This of course make them suspect as to whether they really are organic and vegan. They sell art here primarily photographs taken by one of the owners. The photographs are politically charged "staged or contrived" pictures which don't particularly appeal to me. I like natural and/or candid photos. Anyway that is Macy's.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The program depends on
people with the same problem working together. This is the necessity of the meetings. A person's "sobriety" depends on them have a sponser to help or rather walk with them through the 12 steps.
Love Addiction
Thinking you can't live with out someone. Obsessing over that person. That is love addiction.
SLAA is a 12 step program to help people break their addiction to sex and relationships. The program is modeled after the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous but is in no way affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. It is most definitely not a place to meet sexual partners.
In my village, SLAA deals primarily with unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships might be when you loose one relationship and then immediately go into the next or mistake having sex for love or using sex to stay in or get into a relationship. The other part of the addiction is the "S" part which is obsessively view pornography, seeing prostitutes, womanizing, objectifying women or men, etc.
We meet every Saturday night. I have to be very careful at this meeting but it is a good one for me to go to, especially right now. The last thing I need to be doing is medicating the loss of my wife with another relationship only to find out that it is no better than the one I just came from.
At these meetings we share our experience strength and hope. We relate this experience strength and hope to the core of the program - the 12 steps. These 12 steps are:
SLAA is a 12 step program to help people break their addiction to sex and relationships. The program is modeled after the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous but is in no way affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. It is most definitely not a place to meet sexual partners.
In my village, SLAA deals primarily with unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships might be when you loose one relationship and then immediately go into the next or mistake having sex for love or using sex to stay in or get into a relationship. The other part of the addiction is the "S" part which is obsessively view pornography, seeing prostitutes, womanizing, objectifying women or men, etc.
We meet every Saturday night. I have to be very careful at this meeting but it is a good one for me to go to, especially right now. The last thing I need to be doing is medicating the loss of my wife with another relationship only to find out that it is no better than the one I just came from.
At these meetings we share our experience strength and hope. We relate this experience strength and hope to the core of the program - the 12 steps. These 12 steps are:
- We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Please God,
Don't let the fear overtake me. Please take away the burdens of self so that I may better serve thee. Relieve me of my troubles as victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.
Don't let the fear over take me.
Amen
Floyd.
Don't let the fear overtake me. Please take away the burdens of self so that I may better serve thee. Relieve me of my troubles as victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.
Don't let the fear over take me.
Amen
Floyd.
Taking Refuge in Mary
I seem to be medicating the loss of current relationship with a relationship of the past. I am not sure if this is good or bad.
I think my ideal woman would be somebody like Edie Brickell.
I think my ideal woman would be somebody like Edie Brickell.
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