Exactly what happened

during the addiction discovery between you and the ex?

Well it was really a discovery for both of us. Realizing I am powerless over this really help(s)(ed). Putting up the white flag and surrendering is kind of a relief. With all the earnestness in my heart I did not want to be doing what I was doing. I never wanted to decieve her.

When I turned around and looked at what I had done (been doing), I was horrified. The ex was and is one of the sweetest and prettiest women I have known yet look what I did. During the discovery, what I called the disclosure, I told her all I had done as completely and as thoroughly as I could.

In April of 2004, she finally delved into one of my journals and found direct reference to my activity. She called me at work one morning and told me that we had to talk. I left the building and took a walk on the railroad tracks as I was talking to her on the cell phone. I was cursing the fucking railroad because there were no trains coming by. I think I would have happily laid down in front of one at the time.

She didn't want to leave me and she didn't. She believed I was caught in an addiction and I was. I started going to meetings at that time. For about the next thirty days the addiciton lifted. I mean it was gone and I felt good. I engaged in no activity in anyway, shape, or form. Although she and I were still intimate.

All was quiet. We knew I had a problem and I was going to work on it. All I had ahead of me was just work. I was free. I felt free. She told me that day as I walked the tracks that the truth would set me free. She told me that if it hadn't been me it would have been somebody else just like me or perhaps even worse. And yes there could be worse.

Then after about thirty days, it started coming back. It gradually seeped back into every facet of my thinking. I couldn't just turn this stuff off. If it was as simple as "don't do it!" I would have not done it long ago.

The addiction invades every area, every facility, every faculty of strength my brain possesses. Soon every facility, memory, power of reason, logical thought, were being used to support the addiction. And in the space of two months it was back in force while I was at work.

In the summer of 2005 I moved to Flagstaff. While it didn't make it to the work place, on November first of 2004 I once again violated the marriage. This time I took no steps to hide it. I was too tired. I was exhausted.

She found out once again. It was christmas of 2005 yet another confrontation. Another breach of trust. As I look back on it we should have ended it then. - the marriage that is. At that point I got more serious about the program but not serious enough! For the next 8 to 9 months I no longer acted out but my anger became greater and greater. The verbal and emotional abuse became greater and greater until the events of November 22, 2005 unfolded.

The addiction was pissed and so stripped me of everything I had known. Now I have nothing to do but work on beating this mother fucker. The only way I can beat this thing is to surrender. Get rid of the hate. Get rid of the resentments. When somebody does me wrong I have to take away the lesson - not get pissed at them. That feeds this addiction.

Out on the Rocks

Seem to be out on the Rocks

The feeling is familiar. It is that lost empty feeling I feel every weekend. This is actually rare me writing in this thing on the weekend.

I have slept most of the afternoon. I left my first morning meeting early and did not go to the second one. I came home and slept instead.

I miss my life

The need for human contact

The time I like is the rush hour, cos I like the rush
The pushing of the people, I like it all so much
Such a mass of motion, do not know where it goes
I move with the movement and ... I have the touch

I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark
Any chance collision, and I light up in the dark
There you stand before me, all that fur and all that hair
Oh, do I dare ... I have the touch

Wanting contact
I'm wanting contact
I'm wanting contact with you
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Give me the thing I understand
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Shake those hands, shake those hands

Any social occasion, it's hello, how do you do
All those introductions, I never miss my cue
So before a question, so before a doubt
My hand moves out and ... I have the touch

Your actions talk as a naked man, with nothing up their sleeve
Words you use can devastate, can decoy, and deceive
Talk to me with flesh and blood, I trust what I receive
The moment I believe is … I have the touch

Wanting contact
I'm wanting contact
I'm wanting contact with you
Shake those hands, shake those hands
Give me the thing I understand
Shake those hands, shake those hands

Pull my chin, stroke my hair, scratch my nose, hug my knees
Try drink, food, cigarette, tension will not ease
I tap my fingers, fold my arms, breathe in deep, cross my legs
Shrug my shoulders, stretch my back - but nothing seems
to please

I need contact
I need contact
Nothing seems to please
I need contact

did you and the now ex have sex

while you were trying to work things out.

Yes we did. From the time she confronted me on the activity with the "working" women until my abusiveness got out of hand.

So this is painful for me but it help to get it out yet one more time.

She confronted me March of 04:

I went into SAA in April of 04

Moved to the place where I currently live in August of 04

Started acting out again - book stores and printed material and some internet in September 04 up to November 1 04 when I saw my last working girl.

She discovered it again christmas 04 I then made an earnest effort to stop the activity but still did not work the program. In feb, then May, then Aug, I had kind of angry tempertantrums. They were not physically violent but I was verbally abusive with her.

Then November 22 05 had my biggest melt down and threatened suicide - ended up in the back of a squad car and then in a psych ward for two days

I was released Thanksgiving day morning to come back here. (nov 24 2005) This is the last time I saw her. I hope I die before I ever see her again. The last I remember of her is her saying go back to flagstaff and don't ever come back.

As far as the sex went - When she confronted me I came clean on the eight times (of the probably 100 times I had been with those engaged in "the profession")that I did "it" unprotected. (The shame about this is overwhelming. The addiction is absolutely hiddeous!) We then used protection up until sometime in the middle of the summer. Then when she discover the November 1 '04 incident we used protection up until Nov 21 05 the last time we did it. Yes, I remember the last time. I really wish I didn't.

I'm not tryin' to fake it, and I ain't the one to blame.
No, there's no one home in my house of pain.
I didn't write these pages and my script's been re-arranged.
No, there's no one home in my house of pain.

Tell me this,

after you had been caught in the betrayal, how hard did you work to keep her?

I worked very hard. However, it was that hard work that ended up costing me the marriage. I thought that all I had to do was just stop doing "it." (doing the addiction) That is the wrong answer. I had tried countless numbers of time to "just stop doing the addiciton." I tried giving her the finances - she didn't even know about what I was doing when I gave her control of the finances. My addict brain was able to figure away around it.

She finally confronted me on my activity and that is when I went into 12 step. I went into 12 step to save my marriage. When I went in, I heard countless numbers of times that one has to do this for one's own self not to save a marriage or for someone else. I thought, "okay then, I am doing this for myself." I had no idea what that meant.

What ended up happening was I did not work my program. I did not work the 12 steps. I basically became a dry drunk. I had stopped the activity but had not made any real behavioral changes. I maintained resentments and they brewed deep inside me getting stronger and stronger.

Finally I blew and it was ultimately my abusive behavior that ended our marriage.

She had actually started to grow as a result of her working the 12 steps. I was still stuck.

I do believe that both of us contributed to the destruction of our marriage equally. It wasn't all me. This is what everybody tells me. I am starting to get it. My therapist said that for as sick as I was she was equally sick for being with me. If she does not change then she will just end up with somebody like me again - another addict.

In order for me to "keep" her I would have had to grow at the same rate she was - or somewhat close. Once the disparity became so great the thing just blew apart. (thing being marriage) Based on what I went through both of you will have to grow at the relatively the same rate in order to get through this. Hopefully, he is willing to work at it. I don't know if that means "12 step" or what. This implies that you will have to grow (mentally physically and spiritually)

I can imagine you thinking ("you are telling me about "growing spiritually") I am not implying in anyway that I am "spititually adept." You are probably better at it than I. This is why, for me, I need the 12 steps. I really really hope you do not think I am talking down to you. (First of all I can't, I mean you are way taller than me ha ha ha) I am just telling you what I have learned about myself really and that is I need to continue to grow mentally physically and spirtually.

My ex-wife had a number of boy friends before me. All of them were addicts (same addiction) and the manifestation of their addictions were worse than mine. She kept choosing the same type of person. I really do not believe all men have this. I know lots of men that really don't.

I hope this sheds some light and doesn't make you angry with me.

I hope you have some peace. When I pray, I hold you, your husband, and children in God's light.

What the F*&K? over.

What the hell were the last two posts about?

One way I think it might work

So the other day, he's coming up on an intersection.

I could see this one comein'. This one was really common back in February, March, and April. He's really hung up on this woman. He doesn't seem to be able to stop looking into oncoming traffic for her car. It's like he gets some kind of charge out of just seeing her car. That whole infactuation thing really screws them up. Sometimes I think the space suit causes way more problems than most of the naturally occurring situations that develop there.

Anyway, he's coming up on the intersection, the light is turning yellow and he is looking into oncoming traffic About three seconds prior to entering the intersection it becomes apparent to us that he's just gonna go right through it without a thought. Oh shit!, we gotta scramble on this one. We get on the horn, pronto, with people in charge of the guy in the blue volkswagen who seems to be trying to select a song on his i-pod. It takes a bit but we finally locate and call that crew and notify them of the situation. They said that they saw what was happening but were grateful that we gave 'em a jingle anyway. They were able to finness the situation just enough that allowed him (our guy) to get through the intersection unscathed. Of course, he looks up at the red light about 5 nanoseconds before he is under it. Now he's gotta deal with all the shame and guilt. Once again it is the goddamn protective space suit that seems to screw him over.

Orientation

He said that before he put on his suit and came through the portal, they had warned him about all of this. Just like all the others it didn't seem to matter to him. He went ahead and did it anyway! We just stood there shaking our heads in disbelief and watched him as he stepped into the womb.

The next thing he knows is, well, nothing. That's always what happens. He doesn't remember any of the decisions he's made about taking the adventure, the journey, the trip, I mean what ever the fuck you want to call it. He remembers nothing about it. Now we see him, just like all the others, trying to figure it all out. He no longer even knows that we exist. It is really amazing that "our existence" seems to be a hot debate that has lasted for quite some time. People die and endure a lot of pain over this debat. Man, I don't know why anyone would do it.

We've tried to protect him but there is only so much we can do. We have no control over what he does or thinks. We try to set things up for his benefit, the next thing ya know he's doing the unexpected. We have to scramble get in touch with the others make sure there are no collisions, make sure things are set up for the "awarenesses" to take place and then hope for the best.

He does seem to be doing better these days.

10 true things

1.) I feel anxious
2.) I don't want to be at work right now
3.) There is too much traffic around my office.
4.) People can see that I am doing this instead of work
5.) I went over to Frank's this morning before I came to work
6.) The sky, the weather, is niether blue nor completely grey. it is somewhere inbetween as if there seems to be a bit of indicision on the weather's part. I wonder if the weather feel's the same way I do.
7.) I got into work around 8:30.
8.) Frank seemed a bit distracted when we talked this morning
9.) I completed the boxes for Tracy and will ship them today, I hope
10.) My work is not interesting enough.

It's been a while

Since I last checked in, huh? I feel like journalling today. I wish I felt like it more often. I mean, I had plenty to journal about.

I just spent the last two weeks immersed in AA meetings and retreats. Those 12 golden steps! you gotta love 'em. I say this somewhat sarcastically and yet with some reverence. I think the steps can be taken way to seriously and not seriously enough.

One of the things I realized after the retreat and after thursday when I talked with my wife is - okay, ex-wife, is that I am still looking to her to rescue me. She is working a very good program and she is not. And this pisses me off. I told her this last thursday. I have shared this at every meeting I have gone to. I think the people there are getting sick of it. But I only share this thing for one week.

I've been at this awhile

I seemed to have been walking on this road waiting for the inevitable heart breaking disaster. I've been on it since 1990, well, actually since I was born but I think it became appearent around 1990. And it came into reality in 2004.

Funny thing about it though, when you accept the inevitable, that inevitable disaster that could happen any moment or a year, or a decade from now, somehow the load seems to be lifted a bit. The disaster seems to loose it's power.

Note for today

It really is that we can not and will never get back together. I have to
hold that idea close and hang on to it with every last fiber of my
constitution.

I still feel like a child. I am still a child.

I can't believe it's true

there are roads left in both of our shoes.

But there are. As long as we have the children between us - we will travel those roads. I hope we will be able to travel those roads together.

I'm looking in

on the good life, I might be doomed never to find.

Or maybe it is that I am in the good life and I just don't know it!?

Good luck to Liam

Off and running yesterday. I hope his journey is happy and peaceful.

Talked to the Ex Yesterday

The couple of days leading up to that were horrendous. I don't know why, but I felt like I was taking a final or a midterm in college - same type of anxiety. I was really afraid of her shaming me and all that stuff.

Things don't seem too bad today

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia and the Golden Ratio

An equation derived in 1994 connects the golden ratio to the Number of the Beast (666):[1]

Which can be combined into the expression:

666; it's everywhere you want to be:

What's the deal with the font, man!?