More on Lambasted

Well, as I was saying.

I realized a couple of things out of this exchange. The first is that I really wanted to get out of there at that time. I just wanted to get up and leave. I went through a moment of rage where I threatened to leave. (This is key) My threatening to leave really pissed off the group therapist. (As an aside, I question if this is an appropriate response for a group therapist.) After I saw her flare up I put a lid on my flames.

For the rest of the group I just sat in it. I was really just sitting in my own shit - this would be the best description. I felt very uncomfortable. As soon as group was over I told the group leader/therapist that I didn't want to hug which is how we end group. I did not talk to anyone. I just got up an left as inconspiquously as I could.

After I left I kinda made up my mind not to go back. In addition, I did not want to go to any of the other meetings I attend. I just wanted to hole up, be alone. That's what made me think of Edie Brickell's song, "Circle".

This kind of answers a lot of questions for me.

It was drilled into my head when I was a kid that I was worthless and unless I made myself useful to my Dad or anybody else then I did not deserve to live. In my family we lived by the golden rule which was:

One "awe shit" is equal to one thousand atta boys.

I think I got about 2 or three atta boys. I have a real "atta-boy" defecit. According to some people I really don't have much of an excuse to be living.

I percieve every bit of negative or neutral interaction with other people as directly meaning that they would prefer I not exist. This is pretty big stuff actually. Actually most people don't care. And the ones that do care, care that I exist. This is the truth - a truth I find difficult to believe with any conviction most of the time.