Tell me this,

after you had been caught in the betrayal, how hard did you work to keep her?

I worked very hard. However, it was that hard work that ended up costing me the marriage. I thought that all I had to do was just stop doing "it." (doing the addiction) That is the wrong answer. I had tried countless numbers of time to "just stop doing the addiciton." I tried giving her the finances - she didn't even know about what I was doing when I gave her control of the finances. My addict brain was able to figure away around it.

She finally confronted me on my activity and that is when I went into 12 step. I went into 12 step to save my marriage. When I went in, I heard countless numbers of times that one has to do this for one's own self not to save a marriage or for someone else. I thought, "okay then, I am doing this for myself." I had no idea what that meant.

What ended up happening was I did not work my program. I did not work the 12 steps. I basically became a dry drunk. I had stopped the activity but had not made any real behavioral changes. I maintained resentments and they brewed deep inside me getting stronger and stronger.

Finally I blew and it was ultimately my abusive behavior that ended our marriage.

She had actually started to grow as a result of her working the 12 steps. I was still stuck.

I do believe that both of us contributed to the destruction of our marriage equally. It wasn't all me. This is what everybody tells me. I am starting to get it. My therapist said that for as sick as I was she was equally sick for being with me. If she does not change then she will just end up with somebody like me again - another addict.

In order for me to "keep" her I would have had to grow at the same rate she was - or somewhat close. Once the disparity became so great the thing just blew apart. (thing being marriage) Based on what I went through both of you will have to grow at the relatively the same rate in order to get through this. Hopefully, he is willing to work at it. I don't know if that means "12 step" or what. This implies that you will have to grow (mentally physically and spiritually)

I can imagine you thinking ("you are telling me about "growing spiritually") I am not implying in anyway that I am "spititually adept." You are probably better at it than I. This is why, for me, I need the 12 steps. I really really hope you do not think I am talking down to you. (First of all I can't, I mean you are way taller than me ha ha ha) I am just telling you what I have learned about myself really and that is I need to continue to grow mentally physically and spirtually.

My ex-wife had a number of boy friends before me. All of them were addicts (same addiction) and the manifestation of their addictions were worse than mine. She kept choosing the same type of person. I really do not believe all men have this. I know lots of men that really don't.

I hope this sheds some light and doesn't make you angry with me.

I hope you have some peace. When I pray, I hold you, your husband, and children in God's light.