Losing my religion

The plot is always basically the same, only the setting changes. One time the setting was with my family back in Ohio. My mom (still alive), Dad, Sister, her daughters (my nieces - when they were young), my sister's ex husband, my boys as the are now, and her - my ex wife. I was there with all of them but had to leave to come back home all the way across the country.

She, my ex-wife, looked at me only as an acquaintance. She was laughing, I think. Also singing. I thought I saw her look at me in that way but I didn't. "Maybe she was trying." I tell myself.

"Well, I've gotta get going." I say.

She responds without looking at me, "We'll see ya later." The tone is ambivilant. The tone in her voice is from somebody who never knew me the way she knew me. The tone is that of a stranger but not quite.

I am left wanting more. "Please, look at me!" I think to myself. "Don't you care?!" I continue to think. My mind races. "How can I make her care?" I think. I get frantic, How can I make her notice me again. I start to panic. My brain screams at me in my head! "What lengths can I go to to put me back in her life!" Then I see her eyes again. They are distant and do not recognize me. There is no recognition of familiarity. I am only left with a passing glance.

I try to say more. I say something like, "Should I come back?" but I get no response. I try to engage her. And then I realize that I've said too much. I wanted something from her but she did not give it. I feel rejected and abandonded. I realize I just set myself up. I should have just left and not tried to engage. I should have not asked if I should come back. I said too much.

She continues talking to other people as if I have already left. I leave seeing her the way she was when we first met. I leave seeing her the way she was when we first met but she is with someone else. I can see I am out of her mind. I can see I am out of her consciousnous. I can see I am not in her life anymore. And then I wake up.

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

At around 11:30 pm on my 42nd birthday I found myself in a deserted metro station somewhere in the middle of Prague in the Czech Republic. I was trying to get to the old town square. Without knowing a lick of Czech I somehow managed to figure out the fair schedule and navigate my way from one subway to another until I miraculously ended up a few streets down from the square. I walked up the narrow cobble stone street to find a nondescript door in the side of a building. It was only by accident that I found it. Above it a small sign read “U tøí bubnù” (House of the Three Drums – loses a little in translation.) I knocked on the door and an older gentleman answered. In a thick Czech accent and broken English he said “You must be the American. Please come in.” I showed him my passport, gave him my credit card and after a couple of attempts to politely understand one another, I followed him up the narrow stairs to my room. It was 2:00 am. Aside from the trepidation and fear that night, I also felt a sense of exhilaration as I went to sleep. In the morning I awoke to the most beautiful city I have ever seen.

I still have no idea which train station I arrived at in Prague that night. All I knew when I got off the train was that I had to figure how to get to the “U tøí bubnù” without knowing the language. Just one year prior I found myself in a very similar situation. I came to the end of my marriage and found I had no idea where I was in life or how to speak the language. The last two plus years I have been trying to figure out the fair schedules and navigate my way from subway stop to subway stop.

These “subway stops” have amounted to a series of discoveries about me. Among these discoveries is that I love to be creative which is in sharp contrast with my profession – from photography to abstract drawing to making decorative boxes with my laser engraver (http://godbox.sybillus.com). I have also discovered that I love to travel. I have only been to Europe once but would like to go back, and I go to Mexico periodically with a friend who has a house on a quiet little peninsula on the Sea of Cortez. I like the idea of heading out with no real destination in mind and I have recently been rekindling an interest in hiking and backpacking.

This certainly is not where I expected to be at 44, however I have come to a place in my life of acceptance. I find that when I have little expectation (neither high nor low) of how “things” will, or ought, to be, my life seems to go way better than I could imagine. Continuing with the traveling analogy; you might say that I went completely off the map, that for the last two years I have been getting my bearings again, and that I would like to start traveling with a companion again.

I do have three wonderful boys who I love very much. You can see them if you visit the website above. They live with their mother in Boulder and I visit them at least four times a year.

I am not looking for someone to complete me; I am looking for someone with whom to share life’s experiences. If you are grammatically critiquing this profile, we probably would not be a good match. However, you are a great match for me if you are more interested in the adventure of the journey than the destination. You think outside the box and can be unconventional. You have a love for music…all kinds. You are not too concerned with material things or your social status. You have a sense of humor and you find humor in everything. You like the outdoors, but you clean up nice. You take care of yourself, but you are not obsessive-compulsive about it. You’re spiritual, but not religious. Your spirituality is private and you don’t need others to agree with your beliefs. You have conviction in your spiritual and political beliefs but you respect the beliefs of others. Although you have opinions you try not to judge. I say “try” because that is a tall order. You are human and make mistakes and appreciate and understand that in others.

As it turned out

There was never any Jack or Diane.

As it turned out it was just some fantasy in my head. Countless times through out my life I have seen Jack and Dianes or I have seen what I thought were Jack and Diane. The big strong fat head and the ditzy girlfriend I think is the way I imagined it to be. Jackie's gonna be a movie star Diane's a debutante sittin in the back seat of Jackie's car.

Soy un perdedor

I'm a loser baby, so why dontchya kill me.

Yes, this is what I have been feeling of late. Keep in mind there is no such thing as a wrong feeling. Also and more importantly feelings are not facts! Never-the-less this is how I have been feeling. I believe the feeling is being stimulated by the fact that I have been surrounded by "couples" "in luuuuuuvvvv." I have been surrounded by men with their women, women with their men, women with their women (lesbians). Couples in relationships abound!

This is not a pity party but let me go on a little bit. I have been feeling absolutely pathetic - like a total loser - because I am not in a relationship. Oh woe is moi! (Gettin crazy with the cheeze whiz - things are gonna change, I can feel it.*) Everybody is in love with one another and here I am out in the rain all by myself. Yes, it certainly does not feel good.

You say, "Oh wait now!!!, God loves you!" or "Jesus loves you."

Now that makes me feel a whole lot better. I mean why would I want a woman's arms wrapped around me, caressing my face, staring into my eyes, giving me warm tender kisses on my lips. Why would I want to feel the warmth and tenderness of her cheek on mine as we hold each other close. Why would I want something like that when I already have God and Jesus loving me.

Okay, here is where I stop the pity party! The reason why I would not want something like that is becawwwwz, there is a bit of a price to pay. All the people around me that are "in luuuuv" "in relationships" are miserable. I mean most of the time I listen to their agony of what is going on with them and their partner. It sounds to me like a horrible existence. And as I recall it was a horrible existence when I was in it.

And no this is not "sour grapes" because, I do know it can be good. And of course this is what we all hope for - that it will be good. It can be good if the two concerned parties have good mental health or some semblance there of.

So here I am still working on my self. The feelings still arise. I will forget. It will look all rosey and happy when I see couples engaged in public displays of affection. I will feel left out. I will feel like a loser. Those feelings will occur. I will still keep working on myself and I really hope one day the situation avails itself. but until then. . . .

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.**

*Lyrics by Beck "Loser"

**Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.

I have a pretty lateralized brain!

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (50%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (44%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Gratitude.

You ever get e-mail or a letter with the closing that says: "Regards" ?

Like: ?

Hi Floyd,

yada yada yada yada

so on and so forth

etc. etc.
etc.

Regards,

J. Fred Muggs.

I guess I don't mind getting that kind of closure from a business associate or somebody that I am not familiar with. But I kinda get insulted when it is from somebody with which I am familiar, like my ex-wife or my sister or somebody like that.

The closing kind of indicates the space between you and the sender. With a business associate the level of familiarity is pretty distant, unless you are friends outside of work. However, with somebody like your ex-spouse, the closing of regards might be used in situations where the two of you have not spoken in years or the two of you are in hostile litigation with each other. The other. Being as thin skinned as I am, if I were to get a closure of "regards" from say my ex I would take it as a message of coldness as in I you are nothing more than an "entity" in my life you are not really a person I know or I even want to know.

I am soooo grateful that I have nothing more to bitch about than something so freaking trivial as somebody putting "regards" at the end of their letter or e-mail. This didn't even happen to me. It happened to my sister with her daughter. I will bet she (my sister did not even notice it.) I guess my life is going really well now. I am really grateful!

Regards,

Floyd

New and Fresh (Earthquake and if's Aftermath (cont.)

When I woke up on November 25th, 2002 I awoke to a world of incomprehensible demorilazation - utter destruction. I awoke only to catch a glimpses of wreckage of my life for the first time. I couldn't see it fully but the smoke was dissipating and the dust was settling. I knew very well what lay behind all the smoke and dust. In the days and months that followed every once in a while the air would clear just enough for me to see a mangled frame rising out of a pile of concrete rubble . Sometimes I could feel heat emanating from a particular direction and the smoke and dust that way would flicker and glow orange yellow and red.

The life that I knew that I was so desparately trying to hang on to was gone. I had no choice but to let go. There simply wasn't anything left to hold on to. It had all collapsed into the rubble that now lay behind the smoke and dust.

What is really wierd is that now I look back at that time with some fondness, as I have mentioned before. I think it is because the slate had been clean. The only thing left to do was to build anew out of the ruins of my past. And that is what I set out to do.

Self Aborption

One of the things about being an addict is that of self aborption.

I was at a meeting the other night, a small meeting. We go out for coffee afterwards. Near end of the meeting, I pulled out my pencil and paper and started to draw. The meeting ended I put away my stuff and then went to meet for coffee. During our conversation the topic came up of how I used to be.

Okay, here is the part about self absorption: One of the people brought up that "Didn't you used to "check out" alot with your ex wife." That is to say I would go into my own little world. "Yes, I replied." Then I thought, just thought mind you. I didn't say this but rather thought, "Yeah, I used to check out by drawing." So then I asked them, "Hey, did my drawing in the meeting bother you?" One person said, "Yeah a little'"; the other shook her head yes in a rather emphatic way. All of the sudden my forehead got really warm and I felt like I had just been slugged in my sternum. This seems to be my physiological manifestation of shame.

I became very ashamed of myself. I remember when that would happen in the past with my ex-wife I would get really pissed off. I think it was to avoid feeling the pain of the shame. I would throw a temper tantrum and sometimes a big fight would ensue. In fact, it was this very thing that precipitated the final death blow to our marriage.

Fortunately, the anger thing did not come. I think it may have popped up a bit but I told them that I was sorry and that now I was feeling emmense shame. It was tremendously painful. The said that it wasn't that big of a deal but I could not help the way I felt. It felt really freaking bad!

One of them said to me that I should do a reality check. "Niether of us are angrey at you. We aren't telling you to leave the group. We aren't giving you disgusting looks or anything like that."

This did not seem to matter the pain was killer. I sat with it.

The next morning I woke up and I was recalling the night before. Kind of reliving the scene in my head again. The same shameful pain came up. I called one of the people - my friend Tara. This was the person that was sharing when I started drawing. She also understands the whole shame feeling. I wanted to just talk to her about it. I was not looking for her to tell me it was alright that I did that (draw in the meeting) I was amazed at how awful I still felt (embarrassed really) The next thing I know I am crying to her about it. HEY, it's better than getting pissed of and trying to kill myself! Progress not perfection!

Wind and Time

rapes the flower trembling on the vine.

"Fear" by Sarah Mclachlan

The Earthquake and it's Aftermath

Where was I in my head last year this time? I wish I knew. Where was I two years ago at this time. Wish I knew that one two. I remember communicating with a woman on this blog. It kind of felt like were hiking on a path and met each other. Eventually she went her way and I mine. I think this is what kind of put a cramp on me writting in this blog.

This is really crazy but I am starting to look at that time with kind of, dare I say; fond memories. I think it was because I was emerging from my deep enmeshment with my now ex-wife and beginning to look at life with a different set of eyes.

Life was becoming different for me. In actuallity life had been much different for me ever since I moved to the place that I currently live. It was like on November 22/23 of 2005 there was an earthquake. A really big freaking earthquake. After the earthquake I spent the next six months in the hospital recovering from the immediate wounds I had sustained during the quake. Then at six months I got out of the hospital and emerged into a radically changed world. As I went though the city all the places I had known were no longer their. There were no familiar places. They were either in ruins, completely gone, or had been rebuilt into something totally different. Most of the places were in ruins and appeared unsafe to enter. The pain of see the ruins was tremendous. Thankfully corpeses had long since been hauled away. I have not seen one yet and hope that I don't.

The biggest thing was that the place that I lived, the place where I took refuge, where I took shelter was gone. There was no place to get out of the rain. During that time, the time immediately after getting out of the hospital, it rained continuously. I could however get temporary shelter. When it gets really bad I have been able get under awnings from huts that I run across in the jungle. Nobody, let's me in. Some are really afraid of me. I mean I don't look too good right now. One time I got invited in but the place was kind of scary and it actually felt better out in the rain.

I never really have gotten used to it, I mean the rain that is. It still rains alot but every once in a while the sun comes out. I am really grateful to see the sun when it comes out. But sometimes as I am traveling I see things like when I was invited into the scarry looking hut that kind make the rain feel good. Sometimes the rain is warm. And, although wet; the warm rain feels really good. So I let wash down over me and just feel it.

The weather is a big thing here it seems to dictate every aspect of my life - of life in general. The rain really helps things grow and things are growing. It is hard to notice though. Sometimes when I look back or when I return to certain areas, I can really see the growth. But on the whole I really don't see it. Other people can really see it but I guess I can't for the most part.

The city is being rebuilt but I have not gone back into the city I mean deep into the city. I am afraid. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid I will see more wreckage than I can bear. Or worse yet I am afraid I will walk into buildings that I think are structurally sound only to have them fall in on me. So I don't go back into the city. I stay out in the rain.

It's raining today. It is light. You might say it is just sprinking a bit. Never-the-less it is cloudy and the sun is not out and I am getting wet. I am a hell of a lot more used to it than I was. But gosh, I still don't like it.

When I started this

I started blogging about 3 months before my wife said she wanted a divorce. Three months prior to that my marriage with her crashed in a rather catastophic fashion. There was a lot of drama on tuesday night November 22 and then the wee hours of November 23rd.

November 24th (Thanksgiving day) I came back to where I live. We were ("presumably") in the process of relocating and had been for about one and a half years. We were relocating to where I currently live which is 700 miles from where I used to live and she still lives. (Does any of that make sense? - Hope so.)

Anyway we then went through a period of six months where we did not communicate with each other in anyway. At the end of that period she told me she wanted a divorce. During that "no contact" period I started this stupid blog. I don't know why. Maybe it is just an exersice in vanity. I'm so vain I bet I think this blog is about me. Don't I, Don't I.

However, if I were vain, I would sign this blog with my real name.

However, If I was vain, I would sign this blog with my real name.