Self Aborption

One of the things about being an addict is that of self aborption.

I was at a meeting the other night, a small meeting. We go out for coffee afterwards. Near end of the meeting, I pulled out my pencil and paper and started to draw. The meeting ended I put away my stuff and then went to meet for coffee. During our conversation the topic came up of how I used to be.

Okay, here is the part about self absorption: One of the people brought up that "Didn't you used to "check out" alot with your ex wife." That is to say I would go into my own little world. "Yes, I replied." Then I thought, just thought mind you. I didn't say this but rather thought, "Yeah, I used to check out by drawing." So then I asked them, "Hey, did my drawing in the meeting bother you?" One person said, "Yeah a little'"; the other shook her head yes in a rather emphatic way. All of the sudden my forehead got really warm and I felt like I had just been slugged in my sternum. This seems to be my physiological manifestation of shame.

I became very ashamed of myself. I remember when that would happen in the past with my ex-wife I would get really pissed off. I think it was to avoid feeling the pain of the shame. I would throw a temper tantrum and sometimes a big fight would ensue. In fact, it was this very thing that precipitated the final death blow to our marriage.

Fortunately, the anger thing did not come. I think it may have popped up a bit but I told them that I was sorry and that now I was feeling emmense shame. It was tremendously painful. The said that it wasn't that big of a deal but I could not help the way I felt. It felt really freaking bad!

One of them said to me that I should do a reality check. "Niether of us are angrey at you. We aren't telling you to leave the group. We aren't giving you disgusting looks or anything like that."

This did not seem to matter the pain was killer. I sat with it.

The next morning I woke up and I was recalling the night before. Kind of reliving the scene in my head again. The same shameful pain came up. I called one of the people - my friend Tara. This was the person that was sharing when I started drawing. She also understands the whole shame feeling. I wanted to just talk to her about it. I was not looking for her to tell me it was alright that I did that (draw in the meeting) I was amazed at how awful I still felt (embarrassed really) The next thing I know I am crying to her about it. HEY, it's better than getting pissed of and trying to kill myself! Progress not perfection!