Gratitude.

You ever get e-mail or a letter with the closing that says: "Regards" ?

Like: ?

Hi Floyd,

yada yada yada yada

so on and so forth

etc. etc.
etc.

Regards,

J. Fred Muggs.

I guess I don't mind getting that kind of closure from a business associate or somebody that I am not familiar with. But I kinda get insulted when it is from somebody with which I am familiar, like my ex-wife or my sister or somebody like that.

The closing kind of indicates the space between you and the sender. With a business associate the level of familiarity is pretty distant, unless you are friends outside of work. However, with somebody like your ex-spouse, the closing of regards might be used in situations where the two of you have not spoken in years or the two of you are in hostile litigation with each other. The other. Being as thin skinned as I am, if I were to get a closure of "regards" from say my ex I would take it as a message of coldness as in I you are nothing more than an "entity" in my life you are not really a person I know or I even want to know.

I am soooo grateful that I have nothing more to bitch about than something so freaking trivial as somebody putting "regards" at the end of their letter or e-mail. This didn't even happen to me. It happened to my sister with her daughter. I will bet she (my sister did not even notice it.) I guess my life is going really well now. I am really grateful!

Regards,

Floyd

New and Fresh (Earthquake and if's Aftermath (cont.)

When I woke up on November 25th, 2002 I awoke to a world of incomprehensible demorilazation - utter destruction. I awoke only to catch a glimpses of wreckage of my life for the first time. I couldn't see it fully but the smoke was dissipating and the dust was settling. I knew very well what lay behind all the smoke and dust. In the days and months that followed every once in a while the air would clear just enough for me to see a mangled frame rising out of a pile of concrete rubble . Sometimes I could feel heat emanating from a particular direction and the smoke and dust that way would flicker and glow orange yellow and red.

The life that I knew that I was so desparately trying to hang on to was gone. I had no choice but to let go. There simply wasn't anything left to hold on to. It had all collapsed into the rubble that now lay behind the smoke and dust.

What is really wierd is that now I look back at that time with some fondness, as I have mentioned before. I think it is because the slate had been clean. The only thing left to do was to build anew out of the ruins of my past. And that is what I set out to do.

Self Aborption

One of the things about being an addict is that of self aborption.

I was at a meeting the other night, a small meeting. We go out for coffee afterwards. Near end of the meeting, I pulled out my pencil and paper and started to draw. The meeting ended I put away my stuff and then went to meet for coffee. During our conversation the topic came up of how I used to be.

Okay, here is the part about self absorption: One of the people brought up that "Didn't you used to "check out" alot with your ex wife." That is to say I would go into my own little world. "Yes, I replied." Then I thought, just thought mind you. I didn't say this but rather thought, "Yeah, I used to check out by drawing." So then I asked them, "Hey, did my drawing in the meeting bother you?" One person said, "Yeah a little'"; the other shook her head yes in a rather emphatic way. All of the sudden my forehead got really warm and I felt like I had just been slugged in my sternum. This seems to be my physiological manifestation of shame.

I became very ashamed of myself. I remember when that would happen in the past with my ex-wife I would get really pissed off. I think it was to avoid feeling the pain of the shame. I would throw a temper tantrum and sometimes a big fight would ensue. In fact, it was this very thing that precipitated the final death blow to our marriage.

Fortunately, the anger thing did not come. I think it may have popped up a bit but I told them that I was sorry and that now I was feeling emmense shame. It was tremendously painful. The said that it wasn't that big of a deal but I could not help the way I felt. It felt really freaking bad!

One of them said to me that I should do a reality check. "Niether of us are angrey at you. We aren't telling you to leave the group. We aren't giving you disgusting looks or anything like that."

This did not seem to matter the pain was killer. I sat with it.

The next morning I woke up and I was recalling the night before. Kind of reliving the scene in my head again. The same shameful pain came up. I called one of the people - my friend Tara. This was the person that was sharing when I started drawing. She also understands the whole shame feeling. I wanted to just talk to her about it. I was not looking for her to tell me it was alright that I did that (draw in the meeting) I was amazed at how awful I still felt (embarrassed really) The next thing I know I am crying to her about it. HEY, it's better than getting pissed of and trying to kill myself! Progress not perfection!

Wind and Time

rapes the flower trembling on the vine.

"Fear" by Sarah Mclachlan

The Earthquake and it's Aftermath

Where was I in my head last year this time? I wish I knew. Where was I two years ago at this time. Wish I knew that one two. I remember communicating with a woman on this blog. It kind of felt like were hiking on a path and met each other. Eventually she went her way and I mine. I think this is what kind of put a cramp on me writting in this blog.

This is really crazy but I am starting to look at that time with kind of, dare I say; fond memories. I think it was because I was emerging from my deep enmeshment with my now ex-wife and beginning to look at life with a different set of eyes.

Life was becoming different for me. In actuallity life had been much different for me ever since I moved to the place that I currently live. It was like on November 22/23 of 2005 there was an earthquake. A really big freaking earthquake. After the earthquake I spent the next six months in the hospital recovering from the immediate wounds I had sustained during the quake. Then at six months I got out of the hospital and emerged into a radically changed world. As I went though the city all the places I had known were no longer their. There were no familiar places. They were either in ruins, completely gone, or had been rebuilt into something totally different. Most of the places were in ruins and appeared unsafe to enter. The pain of see the ruins was tremendous. Thankfully corpeses had long since been hauled away. I have not seen one yet and hope that I don't.

The biggest thing was that the place that I lived, the place where I took refuge, where I took shelter was gone. There was no place to get out of the rain. During that time, the time immediately after getting out of the hospital, it rained continuously. I could however get temporary shelter. When it gets really bad I have been able get under awnings from huts that I run across in the jungle. Nobody, let's me in. Some are really afraid of me. I mean I don't look too good right now. One time I got invited in but the place was kind of scary and it actually felt better out in the rain.

I never really have gotten used to it, I mean the rain that is. It still rains alot but every once in a while the sun comes out. I am really grateful to see the sun when it comes out. But sometimes as I am traveling I see things like when I was invited into the scarry looking hut that kind make the rain feel good. Sometimes the rain is warm. And, although wet; the warm rain feels really good. So I let wash down over me and just feel it.

The weather is a big thing here it seems to dictate every aspect of my life - of life in general. The rain really helps things grow and things are growing. It is hard to notice though. Sometimes when I look back or when I return to certain areas, I can really see the growth. But on the whole I really don't see it. Other people can really see it but I guess I can't for the most part.

The city is being rebuilt but I have not gone back into the city I mean deep into the city. I am afraid. I am afraid of what I might see. I am afraid I will see more wreckage than I can bear. Or worse yet I am afraid I will walk into buildings that I think are structurally sound only to have them fall in on me. So I don't go back into the city. I stay out in the rain.

It's raining today. It is light. You might say it is just sprinking a bit. Never-the-less it is cloudy and the sun is not out and I am getting wet. I am a hell of a lot more used to it than I was. But gosh, I still don't like it.

When I started this

I started blogging about 3 months before my wife said she wanted a divorce. Three months prior to that my marriage with her crashed in a rather catastophic fashion. There was a lot of drama on tuesday night November 22 and then the wee hours of November 23rd.

November 24th (Thanksgiving day) I came back to where I live. We were ("presumably") in the process of relocating and had been for about one and a half years. We were relocating to where I currently live which is 700 miles from where I used to live and she still lives. (Does any of that make sense? - Hope so.)

Anyway we then went through a period of six months where we did not communicate with each other in anyway. At the end of that period she told me she wanted a divorce. During that "no contact" period I started this stupid blog. I don't know why. Maybe it is just an exersice in vanity. I'm so vain I bet I think this blog is about me. Don't I, Don't I.

However, if I were vain, I would sign this blog with my real name.

However, If I was vain, I would sign this blog with my real name.