The Journey Begins

And so on November 24th of 2005 my journey began.

Huh, our family, we wallow in our lives like pigs in shit.

Thanks for the update. It kinda sounds rough with dad - I mean with the vommiting and all.

When I left the psychiatric hospital - that is - when the guy dropped me off at the bus stop at Superior with my suit case into which Ronda had smashed some of my cloths, the picture started to clear up some. When I called a number of people and told them what had happend and got, "Floyd, you should have just done it. You should have just killed yourself. Why are you even still alive.", the picture came into focus a little more. When I got to the airport and started the process to change my ticket and the lady said, "I'm sorry sir but your card has been denied", all the witness lines of all the edges, corners, and faces of my life sharpened even yet a little more. When I went to get into my car at Phoenix, pulled the keys out of my pocket to find the house key and the key to the sienna removed, the hi res picture of my life unfolded before my eyes. I was alone.

I mean really alone. Not the alone like when I went back to college after christmas vacation. Or, not the alone like when you guys dropped me off in Owego New York for my co-op job at IBM. but the alone of having no one in my life. I mean no one.  In fact it was worst than alone because even those that would have been able to provide me any sense of comfort were wondering why I hadn't, as they put it, "done the world a favor and" killed myself. (I can't argue with their sentiments as they were finally getting sick of the stupid ass temper tantrums I was throwing) The people at my work did not know what was going on and I in no way wanted them to know what was going on. The only person at the time was Mary Jane to whom I had to pay 145 bucks a shot. I would eventually owe her 19 thousand dollars.

My world got real clear. I had foresaken all the people that might have been close to me - Ronda, who was probably out of the relationship even before we got married in 94!!!, you and dad even my children to some extent. After that there was really no one else. At least this is how I felt. I had yet to do anything "real" in the program.

While it is true that I had you and dad, at the time I really didn't just because I had fought everyone and everything. I was "the victim." I mean I was pissed at everything. It was all everybody else's fault - that is - up until November 24th of 2005 (Thanksgiving)

As I started to drive back up the hill (as they call it when coming back to Flagstaff from Phoenix) I knew I was alone. Worse yet I knew it was all because of me and no one else. It wasn't because of my "oh so awful" childhood. It wasn't because of Ronda. It wasn't because I hadn't been sufficiently promoted at work. It wasn't becasue I had to drive the children to daycare every day. The cause of the situation of which I now found myself pointed to only one source. Me.

The universe was speaking to me or rather yelling at me like a gunnery sargent in the marines.

In the movie full metal jacket the gunnery sargent in his motivation speech to the new recruits said the following: "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!" You can see the actual clip at http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4342707509461078642# He says it at arond 2:26 into the clip. It is really quite motivational.

Really there is actually no otherway to put it. If I wanted any shot at a reasonable life I really needed to unfuck myself because somehow I knew that the universe had not even started to unscrew my head yet. However if I kept up my bullshit it would really unscrew my head and shit down my neck.

It seems to me that "us Ecklers" live our lives lementing how awful life is for us, how life has just taken a great big shit on us, What I believe now and my experience is starting to bear this out is that as long as we believe life/universe is shitting on us, it will. It is almost like we wallow in it like pigs in shit.

can't stop, stop the hurting
can't stop, stop the breathing
can't stop, stop these tears for you my dear
don't know why it's so bad
this life's been so bad
I'm glad I finally found you here
you're the voice of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
I just can
I sometimes run and chase the views
and dream of you
my heart locked in absence
my heart locked and fearful
I see no-one can be here today
my thoughts locked in thinking
my thoughts not believing
I see no-one can be here with me
you're the light of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
and think of you
I sometimes run and chase the views
and not of you
I sometimes run and chase the moon
but I'm just dreaming
I sometimes run and chase the views
but I'm still dreaming
dreaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming of you, dear

The state of my recovery

So I can only take it for one hour. This is the time I spend at the Saturday morning ACoA meeting. It is an hour and a half meeting and I can only deal with it for one hour. I am not sure why that is. I think some thing is wrong here.

This morning I felt like if I stayed I would have to talk to people after the meeting. This is not good. What does this say about my recovery? I used to really love that meeting. For some reason today I didn’t. I really didn’t have anything to say or to share about.

Now I am sitting in a room on the other side of the church waiting for my next meeting. I hope nobody shows up. Usually when I hope this, somebody does show up and it turns out to be a pretty good meeting.

It is just after the half hour and I can hear the other people getting out of the meeting. I really should have stayed. I think I am in a not so bright place in my head. The whack jobs as Frank puts it did not share today or at least there weren’t a lot of whack jobs who shared.

It really bothers me that I think that some of the people that are at these meetings are real whack jobs. (I love that term) However, I think it is important to discern the whack jobs and understand that a lot of the sharing that happens at these meetings is nothing but pure insanity. Sometimes it is just people getting off on themselves.

I didn’t share today because I felt it was just going to come from that ego driven place. The “everybody look at me see how recovered I am” kind of place or the “my life is tough. I am really pullin’ the big load people. Look at me. Look at this load I got on. But I’m doin it cause that’s the kinda guy I am – kinda place. So at 9:00 I got up and left.

That means somebody would have to have been looking or should I say has to be looking. What are the chances of that.

I don't know, slim to none I guess.

That's what I was thinking.

Besides who really gives a fuck what you have to say anyway.

Well, some people do!

Yeah, right.

Man, I think I am just going to get donuts on my way into work.

You know that's not good for you?

Yes, I know. - What the fuck are you, my conscience?

Well as a matter of fact I am.

Well, I am really fucking hungry and one of those buttercream filled donuts sound real good right about now.

Did you ever think you were dealing with some deep seated anger issues

Fuck you!

My point exactly

And now for something completely different:

Wow, it has been over a freaking year! A couple of posts ago I was yammerin on about relationships aout 6 months after that post I found myself in one. We just went through our one year anniversary and we are really trying to work through things in a healthy way. It appears we have been successful.

One thing about working through things in a healthy way is that the relationship is quite "boring." I had quite enough of "not boring" in my last relationship and most of that was caused by me.

I still suffer with the addiction I started this blog with. Of course I do. I will always have it.

Do I have to tell you what the addiction is or can we just assume you know what it is or that you will go back to the beginning of this blog and educate yourself. I mean, come on, I said it so many times I really do not want to have to repeat myself.