Huh, our family, we wallow in our lives like pigs in shit.

Thanks for the update. It kinda sounds rough with dad - I mean with the vommiting and all.

When I left the psychiatric hospital - that is - when the guy dropped me off at the bus stop at Superior with my suit case into which Ronda had smashed some of my cloths, the picture started to clear up some. When I called a number of people and told them what had happend and got, "Floyd, you should have just done it. You should have just killed yourself. Why are you even still alive.", the picture came into focus a little more. When I got to the airport and started the process to change my ticket and the lady said, "I'm sorry sir but your card has been denied", all the witness lines of all the edges, corners, and faces of my life sharpened even yet a little more. When I went to get into my car at Phoenix, pulled the keys out of my pocket to find the house key and the key to the sienna removed, the hi res picture of my life unfolded before my eyes. I was alone.

I mean really alone. Not the alone like when I went back to college after christmas vacation. Or, not the alone like when you guys dropped me off in Owego New York for my co-op job at IBM. but the alone of having no one in my life. I mean no one.  In fact it was worst than alone because even those that would have been able to provide me any sense of comfort were wondering why I hadn't, as they put it, "done the world a favor and" killed myself. (I can't argue with their sentiments as they were finally getting sick of the stupid ass temper tantrums I was throwing) The people at my work did not know what was going on and I in no way wanted them to know what was going on. The only person at the time was Mary Jane to whom I had to pay 145 bucks a shot. I would eventually owe her 19 thousand dollars.

My world got real clear. I had foresaken all the people that might have been close to me - Ronda, who was probably out of the relationship even before we got married in 94!!!, you and dad even my children to some extent. After that there was really no one else. At least this is how I felt. I had yet to do anything "real" in the program.

While it is true that I had you and dad, at the time I really didn't just because I had fought everyone and everything. I was "the victim." I mean I was pissed at everything. It was all everybody else's fault - that is - up until November 24th of 2005 (Thanksgiving)

As I started to drive back up the hill (as they call it when coming back to Flagstaff from Phoenix) I knew I was alone. Worse yet I knew it was all because of me and no one else. It wasn't because of my "oh so awful" childhood. It wasn't because of Ronda. It wasn't because I hadn't been sufficiently promoted at work. It wasn't becasue I had to drive the children to daycare every day. The cause of the situation of which I now found myself pointed to only one source. Me.

The universe was speaking to me or rather yelling at me like a gunnery sargent in the marines.

In the movie full metal jacket the gunnery sargent in his motivation speech to the new recruits said the following: "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!" You can see the actual clip at http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4342707509461078642# He says it at arond 2:26 into the clip. It is really quite motivational.

Really there is actually no otherway to put it. If I wanted any shot at a reasonable life I really needed to unfuck myself because somehow I knew that the universe had not even started to unscrew my head yet. However if I kept up my bullshit it would really unscrew my head and shit down my neck.

It seems to me that "us Ecklers" live our lives lementing how awful life is for us, how life has just taken a great big shit on us, What I believe now and my experience is starting to bear this out is that as long as we believe life/universe is shitting on us, it will. It is almost like we wallow in it like pigs in shit.

can't stop, stop the hurting
can't stop, stop the breathing
can't stop, stop these tears for you my dear
don't know why it's so bad
this life's been so bad
I'm glad I finally found you here
you're the voice of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
I just can
I sometimes run and chase the views
and dream of you
my heart locked in absence
my heart locked and fearful
I see no-one can be here today
my thoughts locked in thinking
my thoughts not believing
I see no-one can be here with me
you're the light of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
and think of you
I sometimes run and chase the views
and not of you
I sometimes run and chase the moon
but I'm just dreaming
I sometimes run and chase the views
but I'm still dreaming
dreaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming of you, dear