The Millennial Whoop

Thinking Critically About Social Justice

justice/http://quillette.com/2018/02/17/thinking-critically-social-justice/

It's not like last time.

I thought it was going to be like last time.  Last time was easy compared to this.  This just keeps going on and on.  It doesn't seem to end.  By this time in the process last time Wendy and I were becoming closer.  Now there is no Wendy.  There is nobody now and maybe that's what this is all about.  There is nobody.  And there will be nobody.

For some reason I was expecting and still am to be like last time.

"Last time" was when my marriage failed or rather I failed my marriage which happened on Nov 22 or 2005.  For some reason I was thinking that since everything happened almost 10 years later to the day (Nov 22 2005;  December 6th 2005) that somehow I would be back up and running by now or at least it would look like I would be back up and running.

Of course what does "back up and running" mean?   I don't know.  Maybe it means having a life.  I don't have one right now.  Of course what does "having a life" mean?

"Last time" was when I started this blog.  Myra came into my life and well. . . left.  But anyway. . . Life actually started to seem new and fresh.  Last time I was sitting in roughly the same spot I am sitting now listening to New Slang by The Shins writing in this same blog.  So things should go just as they did last time.  I should start seeing my life come back on line.

What dose "my life come back on line" mean?

I want it to be like last time.  Last time it worked out.  Of course what does "worked out" mean.  Okay, I know this one.  "Worked out" means I went to Mexico with Frank, Jay and Barbara.  Worked out means I became friends with JD.  And of course "worked out" means I got the girl I pined for.  I got to be with Wendy.  Just thinking about it.  Just thinking about the moment she asked me makes my heart beat faster. makes me lose my breath just a little, makes me just a bit dizzy or light headed.  "Wow, that actually happened!" 

All this seems to have reversed now.

However, just like last time everything is unfamiliar. Everything including the house I live in.  Okay, well, not all the time but this weekend if felt unfamiliar.

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Got this from Tara

Something this morning

There was something that came to mind this morning.  Something I could write about.  I forget what it was though.

Oh - got it!

The dryer.  This is to Wendy.

I remember when we first got together.  You were paranoid about the dryer running while you were gone because you had left the house and when you came back it was still going.  It had not automatically shut off.  You probably had it set on humidity. The humidity sensor that senses how dry the air is in the dryer and when it reaches a certain dryness did not shut down the dryer.  So for the entire time we were together, the entire seven years, the dryer always worked just fine.  So, I started wondering about that.  Thinking that maybe you were not gone that long (away from the house that is.)  And that maybe you thought it should have shut down when, in fact, it was running fine.  You were just not gone long enough.

Well! guess what!?  My lovely lovely princess you are vindicated!  Last night I put a load in the dryer at about 9:30 and I woke up about 1:30 and the dryer was still running.  The cloths were nice and warm of course. . . .

Gotta stop - gotta go to a meeting.  uhg!!!

I don't know why I woke up but I did and could not get back to sleep so I went out to the living room to listen to music and rock in the rocking chair.  As I entered the living room I heard the dryer still running.  And of course it bothered me to no end.  I took the cloths out which were very warm but they didn't burn me.  Some dryers get that hot.  I went back to the rocking chair and miraculously fell asleep after about three or four songs.  Even though I was thinking, "Fuck, I gotta buy a fucking dryer.  Should probably get a washer while I am at it." 

I also thought about how my higher power brings about consequence financial related ones when I start thinking about spending money foolishly and you know what I am talking about by now.  Anyway, although I think about it and have my little fantasies about it, I haven't done it - miracle?  Who knows?  But never the less, I was thinking about the fact that I have been looking at the ads and thinking I deserve it, feeling a sense of entitlement, etc. . . and now my higher power or as you would say "higher power" sans "my" is bringing about the consequence of me having to buy a new dryer. . .

With all that going through my head, I fell asleep.  When I woke up this morning.  I got the cloths out of the dryer and put them on the bed to sort them,  I took a shower, got dressed, and headed out the door to go to work and the thought occurred to me that I hadn't cleaned the lint trap in a while.  In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I checked.   I immediately thought, "That's gotta be it."  I checked it and sure enough it was totally loaded.  The lint actually had weight!  It probably weighed as much as a wash cloth.  Anyway, it hasn't been confirmed but I am thinking the dryer will turn off on it's own using the humidity sensor.  I will let you know.

Oh yes, and the car,  the Forerunner, the dashboard warning lights I know what they are about now.  Next post.

Peppercorns in the Grinder

Ground the last of the peppercorns on my beef pot pie last night - Marie Calender's, my favorite.  Ol' Marie makes a mean beef pot pie!  I knew what was coming.  I will bet you don't.  How could you?  You're what 23 years old?  I would never wish this on you.  I hope you never have to go through something like this. But in case you do, here's a head's up.

"What the fuck does this have to do with peppercorns?" you ask or are thinking.  Well filling the grinder with peppercorns is something that does not happen often.  I mean think about it how often would you fill a peppercorn grinder?  That is if you ground your own peppercorns which I do because I like fresh cracked pepper on those rare occasions that I use pepper.  Rare occasions being the operative words there.  Answer: years go by between the filling of the peppercorn grinder.

The last time I filled the peppercorn thing uh muh jigger was years ago.  In fact, I have only filled it once in the time I have lived here.  Prior to that I hadn't filled a peppercorn grinder since I lived in Colorado and was married to Ronda.  I remember when I filled this one I was thinking, "It's cool she has a peppercorn grinder because I like freshly ground pepper."

You're thinking, "This is awesome Andy, please tell me more.  I am on pins and needles here.  Don't fuck with me like this."

"She" refers to Wendy of course.  The last time it was filled was when Wendy was alive.  In fact, it was before Wendy was diagnosed.  The last time the fucking peppercorn grinder was filled was when life was cool.  It was when I was having a kick ass time.

I would just leave it right here but I will spell it out for you.  Filling a goddamn peppercorn grinder is mundane.  It is so mundane it doesn't enter into my consciousness until I run out of pepper and think,  "Gosh, it would be nice to have some fresh cracked pepper on my Marie Calender's  beef pot pie.  Oh well, I will just have to use the pepper from the pepper shaker."

Normally that would be the extent of it but it's not. This grief invades every nook and cranny, every nuance, every shade, every facet of my life.  It's like when you cut one of your fingers and have to bandage it up.  It is then you realize how much you need that finger because you no longer have the dexterity to type a fucking blog post.  Only thing is, this grief is like having your legs and arms bandaged up.   Okay, I am being a bit dramatic it's not quite that bad.  It's probably more like having your index finger on your left hand, middle finger and thumb on your right, big toe on your left foot, pinkie toe, toe next to big toe, and big toe on your right foot bandaged up.  And you no longer can taste anything. . .

Some thoughts on a Friday night.

In October of 2008 I moved from Kachina where I had been living for about 5 months up to Alyson's trailer.  This was right at the same time that Wendy asked if we could be more than just friends.  I lived there for 3 and a half years until January of 2012 when I moved in with Wendy.  We got married that year.  That was the year that Frank died.  In December of 2015, December 6th actually, Wendy died just three years after I moved in.

It is February of 2018,  this is the third year of living in Wendy's house without Wendy.
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And in other news

The forerunner.  Thought I was going to have to replace the transmission - turned out to be bad spark plugs.  Can't wait to see how it drives.  I am at work right now. PDM is down so I can't do anything in SW so I am writing in the beelog.

Met with Susan last night. This is kind of interesting.  I will write more about her later.  It started out that I could not imagine doing anything but uh oh. . .

So we'll be friends but we really won't talk to each other.

I really wish she had never asked me out.  I am kind of feeling a little bitter about it. I think it is because I am taking it a bit personally.  I will just do the standard ignore her thing.  You know like I kinda did with you.  It's really just a self preservation kind of thing. Just gotta get her out of my head.

Basically what happened is she lost interest and she found a way out.

I have gotten rid of all contact info for her - everything except unfriending her from facebook which I will probably do in about a month.  I am sure she won't be looking at my page. I am certainly not going to look at hers.  Not having her show up in the instant message thing on the right will help.

Just went on FB and she was on like 9 minutes prior.  I hadn't been on in two days.

I really really gotta put this in a better light.  Can't get a resentment on this but I feel one building.

So I am debating about going to the Sat meeting.  I think I am kind of obligated.  I mean if I don't go it will be somewhat apparent what is going on.  I am being somewhat immature.  Yeah like look at what you are reading hear - like this is really mature isn't it.  I will go and then take a bit of a break from that meeting.  Yeah the fucking resentment is building - gotta stop it.