It's not like last time.

I thought it was going to be like last time.  Last time was easy compared to this.  This just keeps going on and on.  It doesn't seem to end.  By this time in the process last time Wendy and I were becoming closer.  Now there is no Wendy.  There is nobody now and maybe that's what this is all about.  There is nobody.  And there will be nobody.

For some reason I was expecting and still am to be like last time.

"Last time" was when my marriage failed or rather I failed my marriage which happened on Nov 22 or 2005.  For some reason I was thinking that since everything happened almost 10 years later to the day (Nov 22 2005;  December 6th 2005) that somehow I would be back up and running by now or at least it would look like I would be back up and running.

Of course what does "back up and running" mean?   I don't know.  Maybe it means having a life.  I don't have one right now.  Of course what does "having a life" mean?

"Last time" was when I started this blog.  Myra came into my life and well. . . left.  But anyway. . . Life actually started to seem new and fresh.  Last time I was sitting in roughly the same spot I am sitting now listening to New Slang by The Shins writing in this same blog.  So things should go just as they did last time.  I should start seeing my life come back on line.

What dose "my life come back on line" mean?

I want it to be like last time.  Last time it worked out.  Of course what does "worked out" mean.  Okay, I know this one.  "Worked out" means I went to Mexico with Frank, Jay and Barbara.  Worked out means I became friends with JD.  And of course "worked out" means I got the girl I pined for.  I got to be with Wendy.  Just thinking about it.  Just thinking about the moment she asked me makes my heart beat faster. makes me lose my breath just a little, makes me just a bit dizzy or light headed.  "Wow, that actually happened!" 

All this seems to have reversed now.

However, just like last time everything is unfamiliar. Everything including the house I live in.  Okay, well, not all the time but this weekend if felt unfamiliar.

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