We only get so many moments

We only get so may moments to spend with one another make them good ones.

For those of you fighting with your true love; take stock.  The moments you get to spend together are fleeting.

Wendy and I actually never really fought. The conflicts that we did have were very short lived - hours at most.  As sickening as it may sound we both almost played this game of "who could acquiesce the most."  This is not quite true of course.  Because that would really make me throw up. The point is is that we looked inside ourselves and figured out what was each of our parts in the conflict. And both of us ALWAYS had a part.  We would immediately try to find our part and make amends to one another.  And miraculously the conflict would cease to be.  Out of every conflict what ultimately happened was we came closer together and found our love for one another deepen.

I kind of feel that there must be some law of the Universe which states that the love between two people has a maximum depth.  Once that depth has been passed one of the people have to be removed. I am sorry. This is me being the victim.  Alas there is no such law.  It is just the brutal reality of life.

This insentience need to be right left me when I was with her.  In every conflict I think unconsciously I would ask myself is this conflict worth the cost of being right.  The answer was always "no."  She did the same thing I think. Because sometimes I would be right and sometimes she would be. It was really quite beautiful.  I would happily be wrong all the time if I could be with her again.

The only drama I have going on these days is the drama in my head:

It feels to me that this is what is going on with her and one day she will say this to me:

Do you want to know why I am not talking to you and don't return your texts.  Do you want to know why I really don't want you coming to see the kids and Why I absolutely don't want you staying at the house.  In fact, do you want to know why I never want to see you again.

I am getting better at letting go almost to where I was in 2007 and I think I could deliver the following response.  Although I am pretty sure it would not be "recovery approved"

No, I actually don't want to know.  I don't want to know any of that!  Really.  I could tell by your behavior something "was up."  And I was right!  I know the signals really well.  Because you haven't changed. . . . at all.  I knew there was something going on in your head, that you had concocted some belief based on a smattering of cherry picked evidence that fits the narrative of me being the "evil bastard"  No.  I don't want to know because it would be coming from a 14 year old and would be meaningless because what ever is going on in that little 14 year old brain of years is just a fantasy necessary to maintain the narrative.

I will think about what is going on with you from time to time and wonder, "Oh my G-d,  Is she thinking "this!?" or thinking "that!?"  I will actually be worried about it. This will happen at night and then I will usually find my way back to sleep.  In fact I've been doing EMDR work on it.  I have been able to let go of it.  Let the consequences happen as they should.

My behavior has not been stellar since Wendy passed.  My behavior with Wendy WAS stellar.  In fact, my behavior with you has also been absolutely stellar.  That thing back in May of last year was ALL you - one hundred percent.  And what's going on with you right now is ALL you.

Here's the thing, I go to meetings and work on myself - constant introspection!  What am I responsible for?  How did I contribute to this?  I even do that with this situation and I can come up with stuff.  Yes, I have amends to make on this but I am not going to this time because as you say you never want to see me again and believe me that is not a problem.  You on the other hand don't have any self awareness - none that I can see.  Have the words, "I'm sorry." ever passed through your fucking lips. . . .Yeah, I didn't think so.  I certainly never heard them.  You're just like your dad.

Here's the other thing,  You were afraid of being perceived as a super bitch.  I think you're pretty well beyond that.  When you said you didn't want "to get back together again."  Where the fuck did that come from?  As I thought about it after the conversation all I could think was, "You gotta be fucking kidding me."  Hopefully the following will put your mind at ease, provide you some peace:

I watched the love of my life, the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on, the sweetest person I have ever met die over a period of three years with the last six months of her lovely life being nothing but torture.  And the unkindest cut of all is that you are still breathing and walking this earth with impunity.  

If I ever find that you are enduring or have endured that same fate I will do an end zone dance complete with fist pumps.

So, no, I don't want to know why.  Just please do me a favor and go fuck yourself and by all means stay the fuck out of my life!