Sunday, September 01, 2019

Need some more self esteem here.

First:

And now a little back round from some previous posts:

Me:
The weekend went really well with my son.  I think I instant messaged you about how we had some really good in depth conversations.  We talked about my involvement with him and his brothers.  He told me that he understood but couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for me and that he thinks I am one of the strongest people he has ever met.  And he is comparing me with his scout leaders one of which is a super high powered environmental attorney and another who is a retired FedEx pilot and Navy fighter pilot.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he was telling me this.  He was so happy that he never pitted him or his brothers against his mom and that his mom didn't pit them against me.

Tara:
Just got home and read both your msgs.  How cool that your kids appreciate you.

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And Now:

Andy:
On Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 11:10 PM  I wrote:
I need a bit more self esteem here. 

(YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND I AM NOT BASHING YOU OR MAD AT YOU IN ANYWAY.  YOUR RESPONSE TO A PREVIOUS E-MAIL WAS LOVING AND PERFECT.  I JUST NEED TO VOICE THIS, WRITE IT TO SOMEONE, WRITE IT TO YOU TO HELP THE MESSAGE MAKE THE JOURNEY FROM MY HEAD TO MY HEART. SO I HAVE TO BE A BIT HARSH.  I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE.  I NEED TO LET ADAMS WORDS HELP ME WITH MY SELF ESTEEM.  I DON'T WANT THIS TO HURT YOU.  BUT I NEED TO HAVE MY HEAD SAY, "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM A GOOD PARENT.  . . . . . BECAUSE IT DOESN'T DO THAT.  THINK OF THIS AS KIND OF A BATAKA SESSION AND IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OTHER THAN YOU PROVIDED SOME WORDS IN A PREVIOUS E-MAIL FOR ME TO WORK WITH.  LIKE I HAVE SAID BEFORE YOU ARE THE LIGHTS ON THE SHIP AHEAD OF ME IN A RAGING STORM AT NIGHT.  THIS SHOULD BECOME MORE CLEAR AT THE END OF THIS E-MAIL)

Strap yourself in.  Here we go. 

This whole fucking thing with Valerie is destroying me. Please understand that the following is a bunch of horseshit.  I feel safe in telling you and being honest about the circus in my head.  If Maryanne weren't here and one day she won't be, I could so see myself having a bottle of wine and going out to the garage and going to sleep in a running car.  I mean, don't most people think that at one time or another.  I am actually really worried about being left alone. It is fucking terrifying.  The only thing that makes me feel better about being all alone is that I have some control over it. suicide.  It brings a certain sense of relief as in, "All I gotta do is this.  No matter what they say everybody will be fine. Including me.  They just don't want to feel guilty. blah blah blah"

Okay, so that wasn't good, right?  What I wrote up there is the end game on Valerie.  Valerie isn't even a person anymore just some abstraction.  The abstraction of a relationship.  The abstraction of not being alone.  The abstraction of the idea that I am not a good person worth being around.  Which most of the time I feel.  It is just the way it is.  It is a feeling I have.  I won't deny it.  I also won't deny that feelings are not facts.  But that feeling, that feeling of not be a good person worth being around is strong. And it is soooo consuming sometime.

So!  Remember way way back when we were at Unity when it was on 4th street in the shopping center.  It was a cold winter's day and..... and it was Rodney's Birthday and I wanted to call and talk to him.  That was a truly horrible time for me.  You actually called Ronda and asked her if I could talk to Rodney and she let me.  Fuck, I am crying just thinking about it. I remember that time with my kids.  I couldn't even bring myself to go up and see them.  Later that year Ronda and I agreed that I would call them on Sundays.  I dreaded that time of the week. It was the most horrible time of the week.  Neither the kids nor I knew what to say to each other.  The conversations were short - five minutes at most.  I hemmed and hawed hours before making the call and after the call I felt soooo cold and empty and I felt like such a loser. In 2006 I did not see them at all.  And then until 2008 I only saw them at most six times a year.

People tell me I am a really good parent. They do not know though.  In my mind I knew I hated calling them.  In my mind I knew I hated going up there.  In my mind I knew that at one point I didn't even want to know about them.  Good parent?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You don't know.  If they only knew. . . .  The, "You are such a good parent" is a disingenuous platitude.  And I would hate the people that would say that to me.

I wrote to you about what happened with Adam and me last Sunday when he said with tears in his eyes that I was one of the strongest people he knew.  You wrote back, that it was so cool that I had kids that appreciated me. Here goes. Like I said these words seem to work. (By the way Tara, I think you are one of the people that I most love on this planet.  I need to tell you that because what is going to follow may not convey that sentiment)

My thought after that was "really!?"  Don't you realize what I just wrote to you about.  He said I was one of the strongest people he new and all you got is, "It is so cool that you have kids that appreciate you."  So the reason for my sort of harshness here is that you were there. You were there when I needed to talk to Rodney.  You watched the whole thing of how difficult it was for me and all you could muster up was. Whoa dude that's cool."   No, I beg to differ.  It wasn't just "cool".  It was a fucking miracle.  It was beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  Those words, "You are one of the strongest people I know." deserve more than  a "cool" or "Dude that's awesome, party on. . . . "  No, no, no, no,. . . . . Those words were a culmination of 16 goddamn years of being in the dark trying to do the best I could and not believing I was doing anything at all.  Those words he spoke were a type of reward somehow for the cold and empty that I have so often felt.  16 fucking years of cold and empty.  16 years of "what I am doing means nothing." "I am a piece of shit." "why am I even calling them.?"  16 years of "why am I even fucking going up there?"  "They don't even want me up there anyway."  16 fucking years of, "I am just their fucking uncle."  "They wouldn't even know it if I was gone." " I feel like such a fool going up there."  "I feel like such a fool calling them."  "Everything I say to them on the phone is stupid."  "Why am I calling them?"

And then one Sunday night in August in 2019, many moments after 2006,  I get. "I've never viewed you as my uncle with an emphatic, You are Dad!, You know you are one of the strongest people I know.  I have the greatest respect for you.  I value what you say." Complete with tears in his eyes.  He even apologized for "getting so deep."

When he said that, all I could think was, "Yessssss" with a super duper fist pump.  So no Tara. It wasn't just "cool they appreciate me."  It was or is a Fuck Yeah!  I did it.  I was able to do it - at least with one of them.  All the emptiness.  All the coldness, all the not knowing.  Yet, I kept on going. I kept putting one fucking foot in front of the other.  I only looked back occasionally but never once did I think about turning around.  Turning around was not an option.  I just kept on doing the empty, the cold, the not knowing.  In the dark, in the blizzard, in the rain, I kept moving.  I knew I couldn't stop no matter how bad it felt, no matter how much it hurt.

In my heart I know what I am doing!  I know what I am doing is true and good and right!  And I've done it!

Tara, you wrote the perfect set of words.  And I don't actually think for one second you were trivializing what had happened.  All these things that I have said about me keeping going, calling them, going up there and so on.  You have told me over and over for the last 16 years.  Of course they didn't make it into my heart.  Even the words that Adam said are attempting to make that almost impossible journey from my head to my heart.  But me yelling at you I think sort of helps clear that road for Adam's words, . . . and for your words.

I believe that what I have done with my kids is amazing and a miracle.  And I couldn't have done it without you.

I really needed to hit that bataka, or however you spell it, tonight.

I have to admit that is some winding road starting with Valerie destroying me and ending up with what I have done with my kids is amazing.  It was intentional. I spoke with someone today that said when ever they went into obsessing about a failed relationship it was when they were feeling low self esteem.  Maybe if I have more self esteem Valerie will get the fuck out of my head.

I really hope all this made sense and you still like me.

A lot of love and a lot of light your way

Andy.


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Tara:
On 2019-08-31 23:35, Tara wrote:

Thanks for telling me that, Andy.  I'll take it as a vote of trust in me.  And you're right.  It is a miracle.  Everything you've done in recovery is a miracle.  Doing the hard thing of "Dad out of water" over and over week after week, year after year is incredible.  You have shown exceptional courage in the face of unbearable emotions all the years I've known you.  It's very rare.  Even in recovery.

I got sidetracked with a 12 step phone call before I could answer your last email.  I took trazedone before I read this email and I'm starting to drift, so I can't even pull together what I was going to say.  I wonder if that might have happened before my lackluster response to your story about you and Adam.  IDK.  I don't remember.  Anyway, I'm okay with your "yelling"  And I love you, too.

Tara

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Andy:
You are right.  I wouldn't have sent that to you if I didn't trust you would understand.  All you did was write a sentence that provided a spring board for me.  All that harsh verbiage was so that I could hear it/see it/voice it.  Honestly I was just yelling at myself.  Yeah, don't worry at all about what you wrote.  It was a wonderfully supportive e-mail.  I also really appreciate how you get back to me on my e-mails.


The crazy continues though. I just saw something else regarding V-girl.  This would really suck if it turns out to be true.  This will be in another e-mail though.

In gratitude.

Andy

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