On Tue, Aug 27, 2019 at 1:11 PM
I keep trying to tell my brain to stop. Seriously just fucking stop would you. And it is all back to v girl. I am getting on FB just to see if she is in my active contacts. We haven't messaged each other since last summer. I haven't looked at her facebook page since last summer. She isn't in my phone contacts. For all intents in purposes she is but an acquaintance yet she shows up near the top of my active contacts even when she is not active. And when she is active she shows up as number one - before you - even before Kelli.
It is pretty creepy. It is like FB knows. It is like FB is in my head or. . . .
.
.
The eight year old child in me says:
"She keeps looking at my page!!! Yes that's it. Also, what the hell is she doing on messenger anyway. She is on a lot. . . more so lately. Maybe she did break up. She can't stop looking at my page. and she wants to. . . . I need to look at her page"
--------------------
The adult says:
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don't go to her page. Let's just stay here.
------------------------
Lyrics to a new song I like:
Already, we'll all float on alright
Already, we'll all float on okay
Don't worry, even if things get heavy
We'll all float on alright
______
Float on lets not expect too much out of life.
Thanks for listening
Andy
Tara:
On 2019-08-27 19:16, Tara wrote:
I'll add to your creepiness. Not too many days ago, I went on V's FB page. I almost never go on anyone's page. She had wanted input from women on some health stuff, so I went there, though I ended up not leaving any comments.
Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship? What about steps 1,2 & 3?.
Tara
Andy:
She must be pregnant.
You asked, "Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship? What about steps 1,2 & 3?."
Anyway the answer is no. It would just make it different in that I would feel so like a loser. I am not tall enough. I am too old. I am not this. I am not that. I wish you hadn't told me about going on her page and the health stuff. As I was reading, "I went on "V's" page". . . my heart began to race. How fucked up is that. You do know I have no control over that kind of thing. Those feelings are there. no amount of turning it over or admitting or coming to believe will stop those feelings from happening.
I am thinking that basically you just told me she is still in a relationship and that I should be working steps 1 2 and 3 to deal with it. I was kinda not looking for that information. It was kinda nice to have that hope. I wish you would have left me with that hope.
Anyway, usually after some kind of contact occurs with her the obsession gets less over time. I know I probably just need to unfriend her. After this contact with her it will probably take another four months. Another four months, no contact, then unfriend. So maybe December 7th if you are available or on my birthday. . . we can have a ceremony upon where I unfriend her. It does not feel right to unfriend her yet. I was about ready to when I got that message from her. . . . . Maybe I could do it sooner but It would have to be some kind of ceremony kinda thing.
I've had lots of what I would consider cruel things happen to me since Wendy's passing. Things that make me feel so fucking alone. It feels so cruel. Maybe this is me just being the victim but the feelings are there none the less. And all this is just in my head. it is actually nothing real. It is just some kind of abstract thing going on in my head as opposed to say my arm being cut off, losing my eyesight, etc.
My brain is really fucking me over.
If Wendy could some how communicate with me in some way to the effect of or where it would feel like:
Her putting her hand on my face, feeling her soft palm as it gently kisses my cheek. Then feeling her fingers, her delicate lovely fingers run down the side of my face as she looks me in the eyes and tells me. "Andy, I am not ready to let you go. Please don't leave me." And then maybe a delicate kiss where our lips would barely touch. Maybe then I could straighten up out of my fetal position, put my hands on the floor and push my self up onto my knees, And then bring one knee up to plant one foot firmly on the ground and with that leg hoist myself up so that I am standing erect once again.
I have been in the fetal position ever since she passed. I want to stand again. I can't seem to do it though.
Okay I am done now.
Thanks for listening yet again.
Andy
Andy:
On Tue, Aug 27, 2019 at 11:28 PM
I do so appreciate all your communication with me! I mean really! Even the,"Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship? What about steps 1,2 & 3?." and how I interpreted it. I am fully aware that what is going on with her is some kind of abstraction in my head which when I am in that hope is making my life or dealing with or coping with my life somehow easier? I was talking to a sponsee tonight and telling him as we were sitting there eating and talking that, "Honestly, this is as good as it gets. Nothing is going wrong. I am not losing my arm or eyesight. I feel basically good physically and mentally. Anything more than that is just some abstraction in my head. It is literally physically nothing. nothing at all. Being with V or not being with V is nothing. My brain is just fixated on this concept." Unfortunately a lot of times this doesn't help.
The thing I wrote about Wendy though does a little bit. If she were actually able to communicate with me some how and tell me that she did not want me to leave her. And I knew for sure deep in my heart that she was there, Obsessions about V or being in a relationship or anything would go away. This of course is Wendy being my HP.
As far as steps two and three. became willing and making the decision. Step 3 to me is the God I offer myself to thee. I go in and out on this one.
So Mary Anne and I are going up to Cedar City Utah tomorrow to go see a 4 and a half hour shakespear play. Starts at 8pm tomorrow night. It is always fun going on road trips with her. I need this.
I am so filled with lyrics to songs these days.
Example - thinking of Wendy.
Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
The line "So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away" brings me gratitude in that Wendy and I did not fight with each other wasting our time as the moments slipped away. We only had so many. In fact we only had five million nine hundred eight thousand two hundred fifty five minutes. We used them all. every single one of those minutes we used. Why would you waste even one of them fighting with each other?
Thanks for listening - gotta go to bed
love and light
Andy
Tara:
You and Wendy knew the preciousness of your time together That has a powerful effect on a relationship. I remember that song. Was it "In Your Eyes?"
Andy, it is so heartbreaking -- like the cruel twist you talked about -- that something with Roy repeatedly destroyed the awareness of the preciousness of our time together. When he wasn't on the warpath, toward me or the world, I adored that man, his essence. I still do. But he couldn't not go on the warpath. It seems such a terrible shame. Maybe there was something I could have done. But I have no idea what it might have been. I wracked my brain, consulted with professionals, and tried everything under the sun I could think of.
What a shame not to appreciate the preciousness of time with a loved one. I image it happens to most couples. I'm glad it didn't for you and Wendy.
Have a fun trip!
No comments:
Post a Comment