Toyota Prius stuck acceleration is a hoax!

It is a hoax.  Unless they can actually duplicate the problem there is no way anybody can prove the driver did not have his foot on the accelerator the whole time!  Just too coincidental folks!

This has got to be one of the greatest all time scams.  What about neutral.  Is it possible to put the car into neutral?  I bet we will start seeing accelerating Priuses all over the place!  Wish I'd thought of it!

The 11th or the 12th

For the record, Rodney's birthday is on the 12th.

Please don't forget it!!!!!

Laser Engraver

The laser engraver is back up and running.  I made the Star of David for Wendy and made one of the cards for Brian

What She Wants - ex wife

"Transparency."  She was always good with the buzzwords. Trans pairrrr ennn seee.

Okay, here is my side of the street.  And there is "my side of the street."  My side of the street is that I would say stuff to her like, "I will be unavailable for the next week."  when I would be going to Mexico.  "She said if your trying to spare my feelings, please don't. This is just annoying." Actually in this case I was not trying to spare her feelings. . . at all.  I have to admit that in the case of going to Mexico, I did this to make it a bit of a "mystery." (hush!, quiet!, don't let anybody know!") to make her wonder. "Hmmm? what's he up to?"    Of course all this did was make her pissed.

Does she actually not trust me.  I don't think so.  I think she is just pissed.  I think she does not trust me to act like an adult.  G-d I still have to admit that I still can not act like an adult.  Well maybe that is all I can do is act, but only sometimes.  I still have an incredibly hard time being an adult.  As I sit here and write this this truth is just being revealed to me. - and deeper in to the onion I go.

Meeting with the ex: child visitation

Think I got the ol H1N1.  I stayed home on Wednesday.  I feel worse this morning.

Yeah, I know.  Like who gives a fuck?  Well I guess I do.  I am starting to see the value of writing some of this stuff down in a journal type of thing.

I shared about fromshame2grace at last night's meeting.  There is a woman that comes to the meeting.  She will only be coming until December.   She had mixed feelings on the topic.  Others agreed with my anger towards most of the idots that commented on the news article.

Some one mentioned that I should put in a comment on that site to support him.  I actually attempted to register to be able to post but stopped the process at the last minute.  I was in too much anger and had too many hateful things to say.  Just like the guy that really pissed me off.  Each time I read it I get really pissed off.

Right now I am waiting to have a conference call with my ex and my therapist who will be the mediator about visitation with my children.  Visitation with my children is still very painful.  It really puts it front an center what I have lost, what could have been.  Everytime it is like walking back through the wreckage.  Although I haven't really done that yet.  Walking through the wreckage will be when I see Chris and Sara.  Okay, I am rambling.  However, when I do think of C and S I am filled with quite a sense of gratitude for where I am today.  There are no Chris and Sara's in my life.  I simply do not allow it.  I do not associate with people like that and will not.  This is something I do have control over and it does give me serenity.

Within Judgment lives the addiction

Remember when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you.

Third post down by JoeBlow68

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/45389.html?plckFindCommentKey=CommentKey:137fe406-37ea-41a1-b687-cfdc3e843f16&pageNum=4&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&mi_pluck_action=page_nav&tab=story_tab_comments

The post infuriated me.  Last night I wrote a lot on this and expressed my indignation.  From the 12 & 12 of AA it says:

"It is a spritual Axiom that everytime we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  But are there no exceptions to this rule?  What about "justifiable" anger?  If sombody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad?  Can't we be properly angry with self righteous folk?  For us of (place your 12 step recovery program here) these are dangerous exceptions.  We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we (place 12 step recovery program of your choice here)"

Most of the comments on that blog were judgmental not just against David but also against his wife Lisa.  These people are really pissed.  I have come to learn that when I am pissed at someone that has not done anything to me directly it is because I can see a little of them in me.  I was really angry with those people and I think it is because I can be just like them, just as judgmental.  In fact, had I not come into the program I would have added to the choir.  The fact that they are so angry with David and his wife does make me wonder what is going on in their lives.

I believe the universe gave me a shot at learning compassion just as it has with David.  I still have some learning to do.  So I keep coming back.

Consequences meant nothing

Within Pride lives the addiction.

The Building and the Dog

Neither the dog nor the building exist. Usually when I say where I went to school I say, "I did time at Ohio State." This was the front of Robinson Lab where I did a lot of time. It was home to the mechanical engineering department at OSU. In front of it, waiting for the bus, is my dog Gordie.

There were many times I would have given anything to watch them tear that building down. In fact, I would have helped. The last time I was in the building I think it was to look at grades on my last final or something like that.

I walked out of that building for the last time with my friend Colin who was the embodiment of Wayne from Wayne's World. Colin had long black hair like Wayne. He had the goofy smile and did that deal where he would flip his hair behind his shoulders and said stuff like, "Sphincter says what?" and he was from "Chicagoland". Colin was going to work for the "cron" as he put it, Cincinnati Milacron that is. I still had yet to land a job.

Anyway, as soon as the door shut behind us he ceremoniously turned around to face the building, bent down on his knees, raised both fists into the air and with middle fingers extended yelled obscenities at the building. Actually he yelled only two words and only one of those was an obscenity. The other was just a personal pronoun. It was a good obscenity though, you know, right at the top of the list and all.

Just like me he seemed to have had years of built up frustration and angst poised for the moment and this apparently was that moment. Me, I just stuffed it. Although it did take me four years before I would actually drive through Columbus as opposed to using the outer belt - even at 2 in the morning. I did well in college but I did not skate.

The "dog" Gordie is another story altogether. Gordie was kind of like Jimmy Neutron's mechanical canine, "Goddard." He was indomitable. Okay, it's too late and I can not pronounce the word so I guess that's all I have to share for now.

They both met on the trail. Actually she was already out there. He had yet to start. All the things in her life had burned down around her and she was shoveling her way out of the wreckage despite the fact others were working against her. She was in the process of trying to rebuild and it seemed as though everybody else around her was trying and in some cases successfully thwarting her efforts.

He saw her out there rebuilding but had no idea what it was all about. Actually she wasn't so much trying to rebuild as she was trying to gather all her belongings, get them organized and move on. As he heard her talk about her trials, he certainly didn't know it then but he would soon be going through the same thing.

Another milestone.

Stayed overnight with Wendy and her children for the first time on October 2nd 2009.

On friday afternoon Wendy told Leo and Sam about us, about our the deepening of our relationship.  Boy does that sound hokey or rather effusively or insincerely emotional.  Okay, now I gotta look up effusive: marked by the expression of great or excessive emotion or enthusiasm

She left a long time ago.  I mean it was years ago. From time to time he would remember her.  He still has all her pictures.  He put them in album.

At the time both of their lives were falling apart.  All they wanted was shelter.  They certainly couldn't find it in each other.  Although he wished they could.  She would have none of it of course.  He knew this so he didn't ask.

Back then it seemed like the ruins just kept going on forever as they walked through this hell of eternal smoke and smog.  Occasionally the air would clear and he would be able to make out her beautiful face.  So he kept the pictures he gave her.

The first time he looked back and she wasn't there he knew she had decided to head another direction.  He thought she probably just went back.  There was no going back for him though.  He was now on his way.  In fact he couldn't go back not even if had wanted.  All the roads had been washed away.  The buildings had been raised.  All that remained was ruins and he so desperately did not want to see the ruins.  Maybe some time but not now.  Just keep looking forward.

The memory seems persistent though.  Where did you go.  Where are you now.  Hope things are going well.  He did happen upon an artifact left by her which gave him hope however the artifact itself did not.  He discovered it about a year after she had left it.  All she said was "hahaha."  He knew she didn't leave it for him.  Must be for somebody else he thought.  The disturbing thing was that it all so said she hated her life.  As he ran his fingers over the marker all he hoped she was alright.  He hoped she found somebody. Somebody nice.  Somebody real.  Somebody that would treat her well.  He looked up at the sky and put his hand over his eyes to sheild them from the sun and realized that it was sunny now.  The mist that had seemed to persist for an eternity had lifted.  He carefully put the stones backdown where he had found them as if it were some kind of shrine.  He then left his own inscription from a song he heard thinking that if she comes back maybe she will find it.

You ask me where to begin

Am I so lost in my sin

You ask me where did I fall

Ill say I cant tell you when

But if my spirit is lost

How will I find what is near

Dont question Im not alone

Somehow Ill find my way home

 

Such a lovely creature, he thought.  He picked up his blue backpack, now almost 4 years old looked at the trail ahead and continued on.

The Journey Begins

And so on November 24th of 2005 my journey began.

Huh, our family, we wallow in our lives like pigs in shit.

Thanks for the update. It kinda sounds rough with dad - I mean with the vommiting and all.

When I left the psychiatric hospital - that is - when the guy dropped me off at the bus stop at Superior with my suit case into which Ronda had smashed some of my cloths, the picture started to clear up some. When I called a number of people and told them what had happend and got, "Floyd, you should have just done it. You should have just killed yourself. Why are you even still alive.", the picture came into focus a little more. When I got to the airport and started the process to change my ticket and the lady said, "I'm sorry sir but your card has been denied", all the witness lines of all the edges, corners, and faces of my life sharpened even yet a little more. When I went to get into my car at Phoenix, pulled the keys out of my pocket to find the house key and the key to the sienna removed, the hi res picture of my life unfolded before my eyes. I was alone.

I mean really alone. Not the alone like when I went back to college after christmas vacation. Or, not the alone like when you guys dropped me off in Owego New York for my co-op job at IBM. but the alone of having no one in my life. I mean no one.  In fact it was worst than alone because even those that would have been able to provide me any sense of comfort were wondering why I hadn't, as they put it, "done the world a favor and" killed myself. (I can't argue with their sentiments as they were finally getting sick of the stupid ass temper tantrums I was throwing) The people at my work did not know what was going on and I in no way wanted them to know what was going on. The only person at the time was Mary Jane to whom I had to pay 145 bucks a shot. I would eventually owe her 19 thousand dollars.

My world got real clear. I had foresaken all the people that might have been close to me - Ronda, who was probably out of the relationship even before we got married in 94!!!, you and dad even my children to some extent. After that there was really no one else. At least this is how I felt. I had yet to do anything "real" in the program.

While it is true that I had you and dad, at the time I really didn't just because I had fought everyone and everything. I was "the victim." I mean I was pissed at everything. It was all everybody else's fault - that is - up until November 24th of 2005 (Thanksgiving)

As I started to drive back up the hill (as they call it when coming back to Flagstaff from Phoenix) I knew I was alone. Worse yet I knew it was all because of me and no one else. It wasn't because of my "oh so awful" childhood. It wasn't because of Ronda. It wasn't because I hadn't been sufficiently promoted at work. It wasn't becasue I had to drive the children to daycare every day. The cause of the situation of which I now found myself pointed to only one source. Me.

The universe was speaking to me or rather yelling at me like a gunnery sargent in the marines.

In the movie full metal jacket the gunnery sargent in his motivation speech to the new recruits said the following: "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!" You can see the actual clip at http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4342707509461078642# He says it at arond 2:26 into the clip. It is really quite motivational.

Really there is actually no otherway to put it. If I wanted any shot at a reasonable life I really needed to unfuck myself because somehow I knew that the universe had not even started to unscrew my head yet. However if I kept up my bullshit it would really unscrew my head and shit down my neck.

It seems to me that "us Ecklers" live our lives lementing how awful life is for us, how life has just taken a great big shit on us, What I believe now and my experience is starting to bear this out is that as long as we believe life/universe is shitting on us, it will. It is almost like we wallow in it like pigs in shit.

can't stop, stop the hurting
can't stop, stop the breathing
can't stop, stop these tears for you my dear
don't know why it's so bad
this life's been so bad
I'm glad I finally found you here
you're the voice of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
I just can
I sometimes run and chase the views
and dream of you
my heart locked in absence
my heart locked and fearful
I see no-one can be here today
my thoughts locked in thinking
my thoughts not believing
I see no-one can be here with me
you're the light of a dream I had
you're the voice and I'm so glad
you're the weight of a dream of a life come true
there's no denying
I sometimes run and chase the moon
and think of you
I sometimes run and chase the views
and not of you
I sometimes run and chase the moon
but I'm just dreaming
I sometimes run and chase the views
but I'm still dreaming
dreaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming of you, dear

The state of my recovery

So I can only take it for one hour. This is the time I spend at the Saturday morning ACoA meeting. It is an hour and a half meeting and I can only deal with it for one hour. I am not sure why that is. I think some thing is wrong here.

This morning I felt like if I stayed I would have to talk to people after the meeting. This is not good. What does this say about my recovery? I used to really love that meeting. For some reason today I didn’t. I really didn’t have anything to say or to share about.

Now I am sitting in a room on the other side of the church waiting for my next meeting. I hope nobody shows up. Usually when I hope this, somebody does show up and it turns out to be a pretty good meeting.

It is just after the half hour and I can hear the other people getting out of the meeting. I really should have stayed. I think I am in a not so bright place in my head. The whack jobs as Frank puts it did not share today or at least there weren’t a lot of whack jobs who shared.

It really bothers me that I think that some of the people that are at these meetings are real whack jobs. (I love that term) However, I think it is important to discern the whack jobs and understand that a lot of the sharing that happens at these meetings is nothing but pure insanity. Sometimes it is just people getting off on themselves.

I didn’t share today because I felt it was just going to come from that ego driven place. The “everybody look at me see how recovered I am” kind of place or the “my life is tough. I am really pullin’ the big load people. Look at me. Look at this load I got on. But I’m doin it cause that’s the kinda guy I am – kinda place. So at 9:00 I got up and left.

That means somebody would have to have been looking or should I say has to be looking. What are the chances of that.

I don't know, slim to none I guess.

That's what I was thinking.

Besides who really gives a fuck what you have to say anyway.

Well, some people do!

Yeah, right.

Man, I think I am just going to get donuts on my way into work.

You know that's not good for you?

Yes, I know. - What the fuck are you, my conscience?

Well as a matter of fact I am.

Well, I am really fucking hungry and one of those buttercream filled donuts sound real good right about now.

Did you ever think you were dealing with some deep seated anger issues

Fuck you!

My point exactly

And now for something completely different:

Wow, it has been over a freaking year! A couple of posts ago I was yammerin on about relationships aout 6 months after that post I found myself in one. We just went through our one year anniversary and we are really trying to work through things in a healthy way. It appears we have been successful.

One thing about working through things in a healthy way is that the relationship is quite "boring." I had quite enough of "not boring" in my last relationship and most of that was caused by me.

I still suffer with the addiction I started this blog with. Of course I do. I will always have it.

Do I have to tell you what the addiction is or can we just assume you know what it is or that you will go back to the beginning of this blog and educate yourself. I mean, come on, I said it so many times I really do not want to have to repeat myself.

Losing my religion

The plot is always basically the same, only the setting changes. One time the setting was with my family back in Ohio. My mom (still alive), Dad, Sister, her daughters (my nieces - when they were young), my sister's ex husband, my boys as the are now, and her - my ex wife. I was there with all of them but had to leave to come back home all the way across the country.

She, my ex-wife, looked at me only as an acquaintance. She was laughing, I think. Also singing. I thought I saw her look at me in that way but I didn't. "Maybe she was trying." I tell myself.

"Well, I've gotta get going." I say.

She responds without looking at me, "We'll see ya later." The tone is ambivilant. The tone in her voice is from somebody who never knew me the way she knew me. The tone is that of a stranger but not quite.

I am left wanting more. "Please, look at me!" I think to myself. "Don't you care?!" I continue to think. My mind races. "How can I make her care?" I think. I get frantic, How can I make her notice me again. I start to panic. My brain screams at me in my head! "What lengths can I go to to put me back in her life!" Then I see her eyes again. They are distant and do not recognize me. There is no recognition of familiarity. I am only left with a passing glance.

I try to say more. I say something like, "Should I come back?" but I get no response. I try to engage her. And then I realize that I've said too much. I wanted something from her but she did not give it. I feel rejected and abandonded. I realize I just set myself up. I should have just left and not tried to engage. I should have not asked if I should come back. I said too much.

She continues talking to other people as if I have already left. I leave seeing her the way she was when we first met. I leave seeing her the way she was when we first met but she is with someone else. I can see I am out of her mind. I can see I am out of her consciousnous. I can see I am not in her life anymore. And then I wake up.

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

At around 11:30 pm on my 42nd birthday I found myself in a deserted metro station somewhere in the middle of Prague in the Czech Republic. I was trying to get to the old town square. Without knowing a lick of Czech I somehow managed to figure out the fair schedule and navigate my way from one subway to another until I miraculously ended up a few streets down from the square. I walked up the narrow cobble stone street to find a nondescript door in the side of a building. It was only by accident that I found it. Above it a small sign read “U tøí bubnù” (House of the Three Drums – loses a little in translation.) I knocked on the door and an older gentleman answered. In a thick Czech accent and broken English he said “You must be the American. Please come in.” I showed him my passport, gave him my credit card and after a couple of attempts to politely understand one another, I followed him up the narrow stairs to my room. It was 2:00 am. Aside from the trepidation and fear that night, I also felt a sense of exhilaration as I went to sleep. In the morning I awoke to the most beautiful city I have ever seen.

I still have no idea which train station I arrived at in Prague that night. All I knew when I got off the train was that I had to figure how to get to the “U tøí bubnù” without knowing the language. Just one year prior I found myself in a very similar situation. I came to the end of my marriage and found I had no idea where I was in life or how to speak the language. The last two plus years I have been trying to figure out the fair schedules and navigate my way from subway stop to subway stop.

These “subway stops” have amounted to a series of discoveries about me. Among these discoveries is that I love to be creative which is in sharp contrast with my profession – from photography to abstract drawing to making decorative boxes with my laser engraver (http://godbox.sybillus.com). I have also discovered that I love to travel. I have only been to Europe once but would like to go back, and I go to Mexico periodically with a friend who has a house on a quiet little peninsula on the Sea of Cortez. I like the idea of heading out with no real destination in mind and I have recently been rekindling an interest in hiking and backpacking.

This certainly is not where I expected to be at 44, however I have come to a place in my life of acceptance. I find that when I have little expectation (neither high nor low) of how “things” will, or ought, to be, my life seems to go way better than I could imagine. Continuing with the traveling analogy; you might say that I went completely off the map, that for the last two years I have been getting my bearings again, and that I would like to start traveling with a companion again.

I do have three wonderful boys who I love very much. You can see them if you visit the website above. They live with their mother in Boulder and I visit them at least four times a year.

I am not looking for someone to complete me; I am looking for someone with whom to share life’s experiences. If you are grammatically critiquing this profile, we probably would not be a good match. However, you are a great match for me if you are more interested in the adventure of the journey than the destination. You think outside the box and can be unconventional. You have a love for music…all kinds. You are not too concerned with material things or your social status. You have a sense of humor and you find humor in everything. You like the outdoors, but you clean up nice. You take care of yourself, but you are not obsessive-compulsive about it. You’re spiritual, but not religious. Your spirituality is private and you don’t need others to agree with your beliefs. You have conviction in your spiritual and political beliefs but you respect the beliefs of others. Although you have opinions you try not to judge. I say “try” because that is a tall order. You are human and make mistakes and appreciate and understand that in others.

As it turned out

There was never any Jack or Diane.

As it turned out it was just some fantasy in my head. Countless times through out my life I have seen Jack and Dianes or I have seen what I thought were Jack and Diane. The big strong fat head and the ditzy girlfriend I think is the way I imagined it to be. Jackie's gonna be a movie star Diane's a debutante sittin in the back seat of Jackie's car.

Soy un perdedor

I'm a loser baby, so why dontchya kill me.

Yes, this is what I have been feeling of late. Keep in mind there is no such thing as a wrong feeling. Also and more importantly feelings are not facts! Never-the-less this is how I have been feeling. I believe the feeling is being stimulated by the fact that I have been surrounded by "couples" "in luuuuuuvvvv." I have been surrounded by men with their women, women with their men, women with their women (lesbians). Couples in relationships abound!

This is not a pity party but let me go on a little bit. I have been feeling absolutely pathetic - like a total loser - because I am not in a relationship. Oh woe is moi! (Gettin crazy with the cheeze whiz - things are gonna change, I can feel it.*) Everybody is in love with one another and here I am out in the rain all by myself. Yes, it certainly does not feel good.

You say, "Oh wait now!!!, God loves you!" or "Jesus loves you."

Now that makes me feel a whole lot better. I mean why would I want a woman's arms wrapped around me, caressing my face, staring into my eyes, giving me warm tender kisses on my lips. Why would I want to feel the warmth and tenderness of her cheek on mine as we hold each other close. Why would I want something like that when I already have God and Jesus loving me.

Okay, here is where I stop the pity party! The reason why I would not want something like that is becawwwwz, there is a bit of a price to pay. All the people around me that are "in luuuuv" "in relationships" are miserable. I mean most of the time I listen to their agony of what is going on with them and their partner. It sounds to me like a horrible existence. And as I recall it was a horrible existence when I was in it.

And no this is not "sour grapes" because, I do know it can be good. And of course this is what we all hope for - that it will be good. It can be good if the two concerned parties have good mental health or some semblance there of.

So here I am still working on my self. The feelings still arise. I will forget. It will look all rosey and happy when I see couples engaged in public displays of affection. I will feel left out. I will feel like a loser. Those feelings will occur. I will still keep working on myself and I really hope one day the situation avails itself. but until then. . . .

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.**

*Lyrics by Beck "Loser"

**Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.