It All Starts with. . .

that first fucked up thought.  Today that first fucked up thought went something like this.  Nobody wants to go hiking with me soooooo.  I guess I will look at the ads.  I look at the ads and there she is.  She being the object.  This is such horrifying behavior for me.  Horrifying for the behavior in and of itself but it is also horrifying because it is my behavior.

Do I have to fucking spell out what the behavior is?  I mean seriously.  No.  I think I will kind of leave it cryptic.  Read the rest of the fucking blog if you don't know.

Right now I am sitting in my ex-wife's house on the couch with one of the lounging units extended.  Across from me is my oldest son, super dude,  actually "The Super Dude" named so because he is a, well, . . . "Dude" and he also just happens to be super just like my other two sons.  He is reading a magazine and listening to music on his new head phones.  Okay, well, now he is looking at his phone.  It doesn't look like he's texting maybe just watching something.  I think I have digressed.

Look where we've come from.  Take a look at where this blog started.  This moment is good.  This moment is good enough.  Perhaps this moment is as good as it gets.  Of course this is not good enough for me.  And so,  back to the fucking thought.

I think it all started with my ex-wife yesterday.   She was late getting out of here and she had to drive up to the mountains to her friends'  Ann's house.  She hates driving, my ex-wife that is.  My ex-wife hates driving.  She seemed particularly annoyed.  I told her I was sorry and stupidly offered to stay at a hotel.  She said, "We'll talk." which means that yes she is in fact annoyed and she is rethinking the whole me staying at the house thing.

And so as I am writing this what flashes through my mind is:

I need to come up here less.  But I just told her that I want to come up more and thought that maybe once a month would be good.  She seemed to think that was okay a couple of months ago.  I don't think she still holds that same sentiment.

After she said, "We'll talk."  she said something about I could come up and camp with the kids.

Me, "Hmmm. not so sure I want to do that one."  Me again. "I think I will just com up less.  I thin I will tell her I won't be back up until maybe late October."

Back to the behavior.  The craving has gone away primarily because I have "taken care of business" as what's his face and I say.  I decided to just hang out here with the chilluns. Units one and two.  Unit three went for a sleep over and Units one and two had to work.  I spent most of the time in my ex-wife's house alone.  Yes, I don't think I will be back up until late October or early November.  I think that is enough for this post.