A couple songs I won't be able to listen to ever again.

Fields of Gold - Stang
Shape of My Heart - Stang

And -

These are the songs that Wendy loved. The last one reminded her of me.  She loved me.

Before Wendy, I hated those songs by Sting.

By the way today marks my 14 year anniversary at the place where I work.

After she died

After she died or should I say passed.   "Died" seems so rude.   Sometimes people will stop me after I've said "died." and they'll say, "passed, Andy, after she passed."

Anyway, after she passed I tried to hold on to her.  I tried to hold on to her "living".  I wanted her to still be alive.  I burned the Yarhtziet candle during Shiva and I remember watching it on the last night, the seventh night, when I thought it would burn out.  I stayed up watching and waiting.  I wanted to see it burn out.  I wanted to be with her until the last little bit of wick burned white then orange and then faded into a wisp of smoke.  I watched and I waited.  But no.

I was in the house when she died. . . . I mean passed, but I was not with her.  I probably already wrote about this in some previous post.  Anyway I was busy looking for her prayer shawl or tallit.  I found it.  As I was finding it, my friend Tara came into the bedroom where I had found it and told me to sit down.

The last little bit of burning light that was Wendy's life had turned into a tendril of smoke.  The rope of smoke rose into the air, then frayed into light threads.  And then the threads disappeared into the into a darkening December late afternoon.

I started buying "7 day" candles after that.

Here is what is messed up.

I still keep going back to FB.  I am not following her but I still keep going back as if to see if she posted something new.

So then I think, "Maybe I should just take a look at her page just to see what she is posting."  Then I think, "Well what if you see her latest thing with Nathan - how wonderful he is. . . ."

This is so fucking demoralizing.  This is the worst it has ever been.

I really need to climb Crestone Needle this weekend.  There really is no choice.

Shelby, I am a bit curious, how fucked up do you think I am?

The Obsession.

is getting less with ~v.

I think traveling, staying the fuck off Facebook, and climbing mountains helps get her the fuck out of my mind.

Yeah, I'm sorry but I can't help but be a bit resentful.  She asks me out, gets me kind of hooked and then dumps me.  "We can be friends! she says.  "You're so easy to talk to!" she says.  "I can talk to you about the guys I want to date and whether I should have sex with them or not!"

So yeah, needless to say we haven't talked since.  I've seen her at meetings but nothing really.  In July and then in August she texted me about something and that got me all hooked again.

Wendy, I miss you.

Trying to stay off FB.

Noodle

My Son is in a band called noodle:

Lots of new material in the works

A post shared by Noodle (@noodle_durango) on Dec 8, 2017 at 6:41pm PST

Come see us play tonight at the Steaming Bean/ Irish Embassy Pub. The Reverend Matt Kolbe is playing at 8:00 and all of us are jamming at 8:15.

A post shared by Noodle (@noodle_durango) on Nov 3, 2017 at 5:46pm PDT

And in other news

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/offsprings-dexter-holland-finishes-ph-d-thesis-on-hiv-research-193282/

Dexter Holland

Her FB Page - Again

Went back on Monday.  Saw what I didn't want to see.

She did text me on Sunday about the OA meeting.  This of course brought it all back.  It is Thurs now and I am still reeling.  I am probably still reeling from going to her FB page.  I  keep going back to FB kinda like an alcoholic sniffing the wine cork.  It is not going to be sometime in October (if she doesn't contact me again) that I will start to get some relief. . .

I keep going back to see if I've been unfriended by her.

So I've been thinking about going to the OA mtg tomorrow morning. . . .

I feel like such a loser.  No wonder why I have no choice but to climb.

My music is a place where you don't exist.
Except, of course, in the songs where you do.  (ex. Steal My Sunshine by Len)
Most of my music is a place where only I exist.

Paid

mortgage
Water and trash - city
Land line/internet
Cell phone

Also:
Called home owners ins and asked if the bill had been paid by the mortgage company.

• I got a letter from them (home owners ins company) saying they had not received it yet.  It was due on the 25th.  The letter was dated the 15th of the same month and they received the payment on the 17th of that same month.   They sent out the letter 10 days before it was due!  Really?  Meanwhile I was late with the phone bill by about 10 days - didn't hear a word.

The reason why I am writing this down is because I have been missing payments lately.

Hiked Humphreys

Her FB page

I have not gone to her FB page since the last post in this blog.  This is good.  I've been on FB but have not gone to her page/wall or whatever the fuck you call it.

I have been concentrating on my next climb but still obsessing about her.  I am worried that I will see her at this Saturday's meeting.  I really do not want to see her for a while - a long while.  I will not be attending the Saturday meeting for some months now.

Next climb is Challenger and Kit again.  This is the weather for Wed and Thus Aug 8th and 9th.

On top of all this I am having an "After action review/follow up to something that fell through the cracks while I was gone.

And this thing called a vacuum plate that I designed is totally not fucking working.

Last Night and Valerie.

Last night was somewhat lacking.

It was probably like the first time - kind of a disaster.  The problem was with me.  I really gotta keep my hands off myself.  I think I would like to go back to just being friends (no benefits) Fw/oB?

I like going over there and watching Breaking Bad and relaxing though.  I mean it's something to do and it's not isolating. . . . sort of.

It looks like I will be going over there tomorrow evening to weed eat her back lawn which I really don't mind doing.  I gotta weed eat my backyard and am going to borrow her the weed eater to do it.

The other thing is "V"  as I will now start calling her, I think, is doing what I have tried to do to her and that is not sharing her posts with me on FB.  She is probably doing me a favor but it kind of hurts.  The other thing is I just read this article:

She probably knows I am stalking her on FB.

I have to stop going to her FB page or wall or whatever the fuck it is.

Really? She didn't post that did she?

Yup, She did!

I still keep going back to look.  Not at that particular post, but at subsequent posts.  The guy was someone who helped her set up a bike for a ride.  When I left (for Alaska) she had texted me a question about OA and liked a couple of my posts.  I thought it was kinda cool because I was up in Colorado at Ronda's house and she is always on her phone texting here I was texting with Valerie.  I felt good.  I was on Valerie's radar.  Then, in Alaska, I went incommunicado.  When I got back into cell phone range, I saw a post.  

"How'd it go?"

"Dating a really tall man; I am having lucid dreams of sucking face with the sky."

Something like that.  How awesome.  How nice to see that.  So I go through subsequent posts and see him like or love every post of her's - from personal posts of her and her son in Minnesota (that is where she is now) to memes about "Life."

However there is something that takes the edge off and that is Barbara.  Probably haven't heard (or read) much about her in this.

Barbara is an older lady who I knew when I was first in recovery.  This is kind of ironic because my interaction with her is anything but recovery.  But then of course my interaction with Valerie is anything but recovery.

Barbara first shows up in

https://book-of-floyd.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-shit-that-has-gone-down-since-end.html

We kinda got together maybe back in March.  We would go out to eat every so often and then one night at dinner she asks if we could do friends with benefits.  More time goes by and we finally do FWB but it is kind of a disaster and she IM's me the next day saying she really needs to have connection and she can not do the FWB which I am okay with.  That was probably mid June.

Then I go to Alaska.  I get back. She asks me over and then we go for it.  I mean go for it.  We seriously fucked.  It was much better than the first time.

The problem with Barbara is she can really go off the rails.  I really don't want to piss her off.  But, no, I don't have "connection" with her.  Plus she is moving.  Not sure whether she actually will.  I am actually supposed to go over there tonight.  I was supposed to go over Sunday night but she canceled.

A number of months ago, after a meeting, I told her we would remain friends no matter what.  Jokingly I then said we would remain acquaintances no matter what.  I really need to keep it at acquaintances.  I should have not friended her on facebook - bad fucking idea.