Under Attack

Without provocation (or maybe with?) I am under complete attack.  It is fucking fierce.  It just seemed to come on. I had just completed writing about the last system for this manual I am working on and was beginning to start make screen shots isolating these various systems to complement the descriptions.  And then out of the clear blue sky I could hear the whooshing in the distance and then there they were.

It is said that the best way to fight them is to not engage, but I did.  Once the engagement starts I always end up getting burned.  Just as I feel as though I am winning, I lose horribly.  I lay there naked and torn to pieces.  A lot of times I get up and engage again and the might dragons are all too willing to come back.  This can happen up to nine to ten times until I am completely spent, empty with only a hollow shell.

The attack today is huge.  I feel as though I am ready to engage completely without a thread of armor.  My best bet now is to engage but not fully.

I think I avoided complete engagement and thus complete annihilation.  I did get reinforcements.  Kelli came into help.  We are talking right now.  Strategizing.  She is but doesn't know it.  I think they come for her too but she is always able to avoid the attack by doing what she is doing now and that talking with me or talking with other people or being with other people.  Me on the other hand I can't seem to get an army together.  I am kind of stranded.

The killer thing is they can show up right now as I am talking with her.  I have engaged even while talking with her.  I actually find myself inviting them in.  I miss them and when they are gone for a while I want them to come back.

This is a problem.

The beauty of it all

For Anton, it was always all so beautiful.  They were beyond him.  They were there for him to worship.  He felt it was ordained on high that he worship them.  The great dragons.  The fire, the wings. the tails, the power.  The reason for his existence was the great fire breathing dragons of Zeundeachin.  When Anton looked at the dragons he saw nothing but beauty and grace.  This would change.

Listen!

The waves.  the water.  the rocks, The cold.  The taste of salt.  His eyelids parted. The sea spray blurred his vision. He looked up.   “I am still alive.  Really?” He thought.  “Fuck!”  Alone.  No remnants of his ship.  The crew gone.  The unkindest cut.  The pain rushed in,  His scream came without thought or provocation.  Just pain. That is all.  The pain gave way to the scream.  Consciousness was absent.  And the scream came.  And no one cared to hear!

Dieter, why?

The Dragons

They are coming in again.

“Ernie, I need another drink.  He said as he looked at the cat Laying on his satchel of tricks.  It appeared there weren’t any tricks in the satchel at this time that would ward off Dieter.  Pronounce Dee Tah.  Not Dee ter.  People pronouncing this Dee ter will be kicked to death by an Antifa squad!  Ernie gave him the bottle again.  He took a swig and listened as the woosh of Dieter’s wings thrashed through the air.  The hut shook. The air inside pulsed followed by a flash of yellow orange heat.

He couldn’t help it.  He loved Dieter and Dieter knew it. Dieter loved him.  However, both of them would have no qualms about killing each other if necessary but Dieter needed Anton so there was no fucking way Dieter would vaporize his hut.  Another woosh and a blast of air sending the fishermen on the shore into the sea.

Anton on the other hand loved Dieter and Dieter was like family even more so than his father who called him a dumb shit and a worthless bastard.  Dieter was like Anton’s son.

Aber ich liebe Dieter.  He cried with out stretched arms as Dieter fell wingless into the abyss

[It looks like our hero’s name is Anton.  Wendy’s name will be Mischa.  So it would appear that our names will be Russian.   By the way Wendy, you are the super super hero in this story]

Crazy

The next couple of posts are just fodder, some ramblings and some metaphorical fanatasy for some type of book that I might write.  Don’t laugh one day it will come out and I’ll make it into a monster, that is, if we all pull together as a team.  It starts out with me helpless in a cage.

Remember slot cars?  Remember how if they got going too fast they would fly off the track when they went around a curve.  Well, I am out on the wasteland known as the carpet upside down with my wheels spinning.  I need something to put me back on the track. Tonight was kind of a doozy.  I am not going to go into the details of it but it is bad and I spent $12 and something on this thing.  And this thing is not good.

I sit here in this cage
except I don’t sit.
I climb around the bars frantically
And then I settle on that thing
That thing I must not do.
But I do it.
But I need more than just that thing
I look toward the extreme
And then I head that direction
Putting one foot in front of the other
The motion is deliberate and smooth
I can’t turn my head away
My eyes don’t stare without blinking
They dry out and I don’t even notice
But now I am calm

Yeah, this is supposed to be a poem.  It is not very imaginative.  But ya know I am an engineer.  I am not sure if the dragons have flown away yet.  I don’t hear them.  I still like the dragon analogy.  Here we go!

The dragons came in tonight and they were furious.  They saw he was week and struck like lightning.  Awe Fuck! I can still hear them.  I need something for my constitution Ernie.  Ernie handed him the bottle and he slugged it down and then without missing a beat he went outside again.  He couldn’t help it.  He had to go outside and do battle.  The jitters went away or at least subsided. He watched them fly by.  “They’ll be back. I just hope not tonight!  Oh Mische, I am sorry! and then the words came out of his mouth without warning and without thought.

Weiter Gehen, Er sagt. Es tut mir so leid, Meine Liebste Mische!  Weiter Gehen!  His voice crashed though the air like thunder!

“Weiter Gehen.”

He looked back and she was gone.  He would never see her again.

Mische, If I was in fact your knight in shining armor, my armor wasn’t actually that shinny.  And you can see now that if you had stayed I would have not been able to fend off the dragons.  They were coming back for me and have arrived.  Perhaps you knew this. I hope you did and took care of yourself.  You knew the dragons would never leave though.  But you also knew I would fight.  So here I am. and you just watched yet another battle.

Both of us came from the land of the ice and the snow.  (Hey just like Led Zeppelin.)  You especially.  Remember how I told you I was a viking.  Well here ya go!  Except one thing about the vikings, they may have done their fair share of raping pillaging and plundering what ever the fuck that means but they also did their fare share of surviving.  Which is why I met you in September of 2004.  Turns out time happens instantaneously.  I am yours Mische.  I always was and I always will be.

He laid there on the rock as the waves washed over his naked and cut up body.  He looked toward the now empty sky where once the storm of dragons flew and said,

“Ich war es immer und ich werde es immer sein.  Du bist meine Prinzessin Mische! Du bist meine Prinzessin!“

He closed his eyes and lost consciousness but he was far from dead.

I will keep fighting them.  I am not going to give up.  I will lose battles for sure.  Just like I did tonight.  But I will continue to fight.  I will use what ever I can.  I will use crutches. I will cheat if necessary.  And I am sure I will die fighting.  And after I die I will see you again and the story will continue.  Don’t give up on me my princess.

Ernie watched from above.  All he could think was “You deluded fuck!”  Never-the-less he would help no matter what.

He woke the next day to see a blue sky.  The dragons came in to play as they often did.  Usually, being too tired he would lay there and just take it.  The dragons that came in in the morning were young.  He did not have the will to fight the young ones.  Fore once there was a time when he was one of them.

“Okay, so Ernie, I’m gonna need your help here.  Is there anyway you can give me a heads up on when they are coming in.”

The mighty breath of fire!  The power.  The seduction.  Those great wings.  The air they pushed away as they moved through.  The whoosh that left him breathless.  He loved them as soon as he saw them.  Although he had no wings, no scales, no eyes that could see forever, and a breath that produced just warm damp air he felt he was one of them.  He wanted so desperately to be one of them.  And they knew it.

The ice. The water. And, the fire.  The fire was warm.  This is really all he knew. At four years old he still couldn’t talk.  The elders of the village began to do just that – talk.  His father began to worry.  But he saw the fire.  He saw the smoke as it left the fire and realized that the smoke was just fire without the glow.  He continued to observe without a spoken word and the elders began to judge.  And his father began to act.

“You dumb shit!  You worthless bastard!”  he yelled at him.  In extreme frustration his father yelled at his mother saying, “Look at him just sitting there.  He’s a fucking idiot.”  And all he could do was sit on the stone terrified at his father.

Ah but Mortimus was watching.  “I think we have one.” he said to Claris.  (Pronounce Claudees) “Look at him.  His father is a fool!  This little one is far from an idiot.  He will ride us!  Can’t you see that, my dear Claris.  He will show us where to go.  He will show us where the heart is.  This young one will be mighty.  This young one will not only guide us but will worship us.  He will give us the key to destroy their world!”

But Claris could see this.  She could see even farther than Mortimus how valuable this little two legged creature without wings and without fire in his breath could and would be!

The winged serpents could see everything.  They could produce anything.  They could produce something that looked like “love”.  Oh, it wasn’t love but it sure did look like it.

Just a broken guy

"Just a broken guy, got a few screws loose, I guess. Never really knew it until now. Just, y'know."  were probably the most stunning words between Richard Russell and ATC that day.

Okay, I may have had something to drink.

Reckoning:

The sadness of the past is gone
Wiped clean by the dream of a new relationship
The flames of loss, regret, remorse, and despair
smothered with the fantasy of a new love

Sand and dirt hastily kicked over smoldering branches and twigs.
Smoke; just fire without the orange glow
continues to rise around the edges and on the fringes
The newly displaced earth starts to warm

The voice in my head said, "You will deal with this."

Go back and look.

Look at the entries for December of 2015 and early 2016.  Look at the entries for Mar see uh.  Look at the entries for Jenna, Victoria and Valerie.  Okay there might not be entries for all of them.  Anyway just look back where your mind has been.

Look at Barbara and now Kelli.

You will deal with this.  I will see to it that you do.  You can try to hide behind the pornography, prostitutes and same sex fantasies.  You can hide behind your silly mountains, behind your hikes up Elden, behind your drives to Boulder.  You can try to hide behind your German language learning but I will still be there.

I will be there.  I am patient.  I have all the time in the universe.  I have nowhere else to be.  I can wait.  You will deal with this.

Unless of course, you die.

Okay but how?

No,  Really?  How?  How the fuck will I deal with this?

Give me a fucking clue.

Throw me a fucking bone will you.

Okay, I will deal with it.

Show me because right now I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.  Seriously, Deal with “this.”

What the fuck is the "this" of which I must deal.

What the fuck is “this”?  What is the “this” of which I must deal.

Okay,  So I will deal with this.

Who the fuck are you anyway.  Who is the “you” that will be there.  Who is the “you” that is patient, the”you” that has all the time in the universe, the you that has nowhere else to be, the you that can “wait”  Who the fuck are you!

Who are you and what is the "this"?

Okay, so there is a “you” that is telling me that “I will deal with “this”  and then there is this “this” thing of which I must deal?

Once again, “YOU” are going to have to throw me a bone here.  I mean something.  Maybe I understood it before.  Maybe I understood it just before Wendy.  But I fucking lost it.  I have no idea who the fuck “you” are and what the fuck “this” is.

I am sitting here hearing voices in my head.  Okay, hearing a voice in my head and talking about a thing with which I must deal.

I am gonna go out on a limb here and hypothisize as to what the consequence might be if don’t deal with this.  After all, why should I deal with this.  Why on earth do you say, “You” as in me will deal with this.

It has to do with the pornography, prostitutes and same sex fantasies?  It has to do with Valerie in my head all the fucking time?  Mostly it has to do with Valerie in my fucking head all the fucking time?  Is this what you are talking about?  Is this WHY I will be dealing with the thing called “this”?

Does dealing with “this” mean striking a deal? or does it mean resolving the “this.”

I got a headache.  I’m going to bed.  But yeah, sure, I will deal with “this.”?  (a smiley face emoji would go good right here)

Und Wenn ich komme von weit, weit her

Was bin ich ohne dich - Nicht gesund.
Du bist alles fur mich - auch, nicht gesund.
Ohne dich, bin ich nichts - Noch Einmal, nicht gesund
Und Schlussendlich:
"Ich kann nicht leben, wenn das leben ohne dich ist. . . "
Ganz ubertrieben, nicht gesund!