Okay, I may have had something to drink.

Reckoning:

The sadness of the past is gone
Wiped clean by the dream of a new relationship
The flames of loss, regret, remorse, and despair
smothered with the fantasy of a new love

Sand and dirt hastily kicked over smoldering branches and twigs.
Smoke; just fire without the orange glow
continues to rise around the edges and on the fringes
The newly displaced earth starts to warm

The voice in my head said, "You will deal with this."

Go back and look.

Look at the entries for December of 2015 and early 2016.  Look at the entries for Mar see uh.  Look at the entries for Jenna, Victoria and Valerie.  Okay there might not be entries for all of them.  Anyway just look back where your mind has been.

Look at Barbara and now Kelli.

You will deal with this.  I will see to it that you do.  You can try to hide behind the pornography, prostitutes and same sex fantasies.  You can hide behind your silly mountains, behind your hikes up Elden, behind your drives to Boulder.  You can try to hide behind your German language learning but I will still be there.

I will be there.  I am patient.  I have all the time in the universe.  I have nowhere else to be.  I can wait.  You will deal with this.

Unless of course, you die.

Okay but how?

No,  Really?  How?  How the fuck will I deal with this?

Give me a fucking clue.

Throw me a fucking bone will you.

Okay, I will deal with it.

Show me because right now I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.  Seriously, Deal with “this.”

What the fuck is the "this" of which I must deal.

What the fuck is “this”?  What is the “this” of which I must deal.

Okay,  So I will deal with this.

Who the fuck are you anyway.  Who is the “you” that will be there.  Who is the “you” that is patient, the”you” that has all the time in the universe, the you that has nowhere else to be, the you that can “wait”  Who the fuck are you!

Who are you and what is the "this"?

Okay, so there is a “you” that is telling me that “I will deal with “this”  and then there is this “this” thing of which I must deal?

Once again, “YOU” are going to have to throw me a bone here.  I mean something.  Maybe I understood it before.  Maybe I understood it just before Wendy.  But I fucking lost it.  I have no idea who the fuck “you” are and what the fuck “this” is.

I am sitting here hearing voices in my head.  Okay, hearing a voice in my head and talking about a thing with which I must deal.

I am gonna go out on a limb here and hypothisize as to what the consequence might be if don’t deal with this.  After all, why should I deal with this.  Why on earth do you say, “You” as in me will deal with this.

It has to do with the pornography, prostitutes and same sex fantasies?  It has to do with Valerie in my head all the fucking time?  Mostly it has to do with Valerie in my fucking head all the fucking time?  Is this what you are talking about?  Is this WHY I will be dealing with the thing called “this”?

Does dealing with “this” mean striking a deal? or does it mean resolving the “this.”

I got a headache.  I’m going to bed.  But yeah, sure, I will deal with “this.”?  (a smiley face emoji would go good right here)