Here is what is messed up.

I still keep going back to FB.  I am not following her but I still keep going back as if to see if she posted something new.

So then I think, "Maybe I should just take a look at her page just to see what she is posting."  Then I think, "Well what if you see her latest thing with Nathan - how wonderful he is. . . ."

This is so fucking demoralizing.  This is the worst it has ever been.

I really need to climb Crestone Needle this weekend.  There really is no choice.

Shelby, I am a bit curious, how fucked up do you think I am?

The Obsession.

is getting less with ~v.

I think traveling, staying the fuck off Facebook, and climbing mountains helps get her the fuck out of my mind.

Yeah, I'm sorry but I can't help but be a bit resentful.  She asks me out, gets me kind of hooked and then dumps me.  "We can be friends! she says.  "You're so easy to talk to!" she says.  "I can talk to you about the guys I want to date and whether I should have sex with them or not!"

So yeah, needless to say we haven't talked since.  I've seen her at meetings but nothing really.  In July and then in August she texted me about something and that got me all hooked again.

Wendy, I miss you.

Trying to stay off FB.

Noodle

My Son is in a band called noodle:

Lots of new material in the works

A post shared by Noodle (@noodle_durango) on Dec 8, 2017 at 6:41pm PST

Come see us play tonight at the Steaming Bean/ Irish Embassy Pub. The Reverend Matt Kolbe is playing at 8:00 and all of us are jamming at 8:15.

A post shared by Noodle (@noodle_durango) on Nov 3, 2017 at 5:46pm PDT

And in other news

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/offsprings-dexter-holland-finishes-ph-d-thesis-on-hiv-research-193282/

Dexter Holland

Her FB Page - Again

Went back on Monday.  Saw what I didn't want to see.

She did text me on Sunday about the OA meeting.  This of course brought it all back.  It is Thurs now and I am still reeling.  I am probably still reeling from going to her FB page.  I  keep going back to FB kinda like an alcoholic sniffing the wine cork.  It is not going to be sometime in October (if she doesn't contact me again) that I will start to get some relief. . .

I keep going back to see if I've been unfriended by her.

So I've been thinking about going to the OA mtg tomorrow morning. . . .

I feel like such a loser.  No wonder why I have no choice but to climb.

My music is a place where you don't exist.
Except, of course, in the songs where you do.  (ex. Steal My Sunshine by Len)
Most of my music is a place where only I exist.

Paid

mortgage
Water and trash - city
Land line/internet
Cell phone

Also:
Called home owners ins and asked if the bill had been paid by the mortgage company.

• I got a letter from them (home owners ins company) saying they had not received it yet.  It was due on the 25th.  The letter was dated the 15th of the same month and they received the payment on the 17th of that same month.   They sent out the letter 10 days before it was due!  Really?  Meanwhile I was late with the phone bill by about 10 days - didn't hear a word.

The reason why I am writing this down is because I have been missing payments lately.

Hiked Humphreys

Her FB page

I have not gone to her FB page since the last post in this blog.  This is good.  I've been on FB but have not gone to her page/wall or whatever the fuck you call it.

I have been concentrating on my next climb but still obsessing about her.  I am worried that I will see her at this Saturday's meeting.  I really do not want to see her for a while - a long while.  I will not be attending the Saturday meeting for some months now.

Next climb is Challenger and Kit again.  This is the weather for Wed and Thus Aug 8th and 9th.

On top of all this I am having an "After action review/follow up to something that fell through the cracks while I was gone.

And this thing called a vacuum plate that I designed is totally not fucking working.

Last Night and Valerie.

Last night was somewhat lacking.

It was probably like the first time - kind of a disaster.  The problem was with me.  I really gotta keep my hands off myself.  I think I would like to go back to just being friends (no benefits) Fw/oB?

I like going over there and watching Breaking Bad and relaxing though.  I mean it's something to do and it's not isolating. . . . sort of.

It looks like I will be going over there tomorrow evening to weed eat her back lawn which I really don't mind doing.  I gotta weed eat my backyard and am going to borrow her the weed eater to do it.

The other thing is "V"  as I will now start calling her, I think, is doing what I have tried to do to her and that is not sharing her posts with me on FB.  She is probably doing me a favor but it kind of hurts.  The other thing is I just read this article:

She probably knows I am stalking her on FB.

I have to stop going to her FB page or wall or whatever the fuck it is.

Really? She didn't post that did she?

Yup, She did!

I still keep going back to look.  Not at that particular post, but at subsequent posts.  The guy was someone who helped her set up a bike for a ride.  When I left (for Alaska) she had texted me a question about OA and liked a couple of my posts.  I thought it was kinda cool because I was up in Colorado at Ronda's house and she is always on her phone texting here I was texting with Valerie.  I felt good.  I was on Valerie's radar.  Then, in Alaska, I went incommunicado.  When I got back into cell phone range, I saw a post.  

"How'd it go?"

"Dating a really tall man; I am having lucid dreams of sucking face with the sky."

Something like that.  How awesome.  How nice to see that.  So I go through subsequent posts and see him like or love every post of her's - from personal posts of her and her son in Minnesota (that is where she is now) to memes about "Life."

However there is something that takes the edge off and that is Barbara.  Probably haven't heard (or read) much about her in this.

Barbara is an older lady who I knew when I was first in recovery.  This is kind of ironic because my interaction with her is anything but recovery.  But then of course my interaction with Valerie is anything but recovery.

Barbara first shows up in

https://book-of-floyd.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-shit-that-has-gone-down-since-end.html

We kinda got together maybe back in March.  We would go out to eat every so often and then one night at dinner she asks if we could do friends with benefits.  More time goes by and we finally do FWB but it is kind of a disaster and she IM's me the next day saying she really needs to have connection and she can not do the FWB which I am okay with.  That was probably mid June.

Then I go to Alaska.  I get back. She asks me over and then we go for it.  I mean go for it.  We seriously fucked.  It was much better than the first time.

The problem with Barbara is she can really go off the rails.  I really don't want to piss her off.  But, no, I don't have "connection" with her.  Plus she is moving.  Not sure whether she actually will.  I am actually supposed to go over there tonight.  I was supposed to go over Sunday night but she canceled.

A number of months ago, after a meeting, I told her we would remain friends no matter what.  Jokingly I then said we would remain acquaintances no matter what.  I really need to keep it at acquaintances.  I should have not friended her on facebook - bad fucking idea.

Challenger and Kit Carson failed attempt

Here is a series of 2D representations of what would have been the first two mountains of the year - Challenger Point and Kit Carson.  I wasn't able to summit because of pretty bad fog.  I ran into another guy, Robby, just as I was getting into the thick fog.  Only 400 feet from the top the visibility was about 10 ft. and the conditions were only getting worse.  Robby, a much younger and more experienced climber than I, was becoming quite concerned. "Dude!  If we hear thunder we are so totally fucked!  This is not the mountain I want to die on."  The fog was getting darker meaning that a storm was coming in.  Because of the poor visibility it would take quite a lot of time to find a safe route down.  He finally decided that it wasn't worth his life, so I followed suit.  Took us about an hour to get back to tree-line.

So for now, I have been denied twice on Challenger and Kit.  When the route is visible, like on a sunny blue bird Colorado day, the mountain is strenuous but not that dangerous and I think for most hikers it is uneventful maybe not even memorable.  The second mountain, Kit Carson is a little more exciting and the main way to climb that is by going over Challenger.  So another day awaits.

Honestly, not summiting is actually pretty minor. I still got in one serious work out and kind of took myself to the limit as I usually do.  The other thing is the whole experience of camping out up there and just attempting to walk up a mountain is beyond description.  For me it is spiritual and it brings me closer to what really matters.  I met a complete stranger up there and we ended up working as a team to make the best decisions we could and ultimately had a really good time doing it. For an introvert such as myself this is nothing short of a miracle.  These experiences, which are many, are stunning and they stop me cold.

Just like every time I look at one of my boys, it's a challenge to believe that what I am seeing is real.

One can choose to stay and live in the negative.  I don't have much time left so I am staying on the positive side.

Thank you G-d. I really appreciate the mountains.  Fantastic work.

“Spinning around in circles

Living it day to day

And still twenty four hours, maybe sixty good years

It's still not that long a stay.”

- James William Buffett

The weather

Challenger and Kit Carson Round Deux

Mechanical Design

And then the clouds clear in my head and the vision appears as to how I am going to solve the problem.  As I visualize how each part will interact with it's adjacent part, a mechanical assembly begins to appear in my minds eye.

Que Eminence Front:

The shit that has gone down since the end of April

Media Manipulation

“Cynicism is a luxury I can’t afford.”

“The world is and has always been a bumpy road with thousands of layers and “I”, “me”, “I”, am a just a really, really, small, tiny part in it.”

-          Marieke van der Velden:
TEDxMaastricht

It may leave you without a moment's notice.

Yesterday at this time very first posted this 4/17/18 7:01am he was still alive.  A full life laid ahead. . .

Life throws curve balls. .  .that is so fucking cliche - ain't it.   Okay how 'bout this:

As the main antagonist in No Country for Old Men, Anton Churgin, drives away from a scene in which he has just murdered an elderly lady.  As he is driving away, he is looking in the rear view mirror.  He is distracted by two boys that I would imagine he feels are following him riding their bicycles. He drives through an intersection in which he has the green light. . .  Well, you watch?  Go to the 25 second mark. 

And down the hall I hear a coworker talking on the phone:

"Yeah, he was in a car accident this weekend. . . .  I just heard about it last night. .  .  uh yeah, he passed away on Tuesday."

From Gail Zalut  April 17th 2018 as I was drifting off to sleep:

Text thread with Dale

Story in the newspaper

Don't pray for us.

Sometimes I think about my more liberal super opinionated friends (almost militantly liberal)  I think about the ones that are really religious.  One is a pastor at a church. The other is a Mennonite that is very active in the church.  The pastor has actually come out and said that he hates a group of people.

I think it is okay to hate Trump and Trump supporters until you start advocating violence then I think it is okay to own guns.  But if you are clergy you've turned in your "hate card"  Compassion "trumps" all!  Pun intended.  Sorry. Thems the rules.  Yes, I know there are lots of things I don't like. Like having to work for a living.  I would like money to just be given to me.

I would like religion not to exist.  It has killed so many people.  While I am spiritual, religion is a social construct created by humans and as such is susceptible to corruption and is usually corrupt.

I also have conservative friends that are militantly so.  Some of those are very religious.  Likewise, some of them are among my most hateful friends.  Difference between them and the liberals is that they know they are hateful but they really don't give a fuck.  They believe there hatred is ordained on high.  The liberals don't even see that they hate.  Even when they come right out and say they hated these people because. . . .  as the pastor has.  He wrote it on face book.

I still like him and respect him.  I would actually like to talk to him about it but I never will.  This is where:

Don't pray for us

We don't need no modern Jesus

To roll with us

The only rule we need is never

Giving up

The only faith we have is faith in us.

comes in.

So I am thinking if I told these two people my views on religion they would unfriend me.  I really don't want to be unfriended and really they don't need to know my views on religion.  Serves no purpose but to increase separation among people. We have enough of that in the world.

But, what I would like to tell them is this:

 "Your God, Your Jesus hates people that are racist that do and say racist things.  Your God, your Jesus hates guns and hates wars.  Your God, your Jesus condemns those who are racists who are bigots who are war mongers who own guns who. . . . the list is infinite."  And then I would like to point out to them that, "Your God, your Jesus stood by and watched as my wife died an incredibly tortured death over a period of three fucking years.  She was tortured in a way that would make the Stalin and Hitler jealous. And you say, "Well God works in mysterious ways"  and "We don't know God's plan."  somehow making it alright that my dear wife suffered the greatest amount of pain I have seen in my life which by the way includes the shit that has been dreamt up by the delicate geniuses in hollywood.  While at the same time you say God punishes those who. . . ."

And then I would add:

"Unfortunately you are just as much a part of the hatred as the Nazis, Stalin, Pol Pot, Chairman Mao, etc.  Yes, the list goes on.  Once you through out the "H" word, your there.  Check your hypocrisy"

And when the wave approaches

Take our ashes to the ocean

Who cares if hell awaits

We're having drinks at heaven's gate.

So don't pray for us. . .

Time, Space, and Distance.

Sometimes my life is like being on an airplane/airliner.  I mean the analogy is often made that life is like a journey.

Here I am.  I feel like the time has come to do Capitol Peak.  I knew the day would come.  I knew the day would come almost like a destination.  I can sense that the day is near.  It is almost like the day, just like a destination, like a pilot making their initial course corrections for the approach into some airport. 

So last Friday, with the turn of a hex wrench on one of the fasteners on Sam's bunk beds I made the first course correction.  I could feel the plane slightly tilt to one side.  It wouldn't be until the end of Sunday when the plane would level back out.  My direction had changed.

The plane leveled out Sunday evening after Mary Anne moved in.  Just like Stormy and Alyson, she is a lesbian.  She will be renting from me.  She is very much like Wendy - except for the lesbian part.  We seem to and it seems like we will continue to get along very well.  I am not making any expectations on this though.

Continuing with the plane analogy, I am still at 35,000 feet.  I have not started the initial descent into letting go.