56 - 11 = 45 years.

We'll meet a man who has been acting out for 45 years.

She's still up front and center.  She broke up with her boy friend shortly after my last post.  Just like then, she seems to be invading every part of my life.

Some Art

Adam

Me

Need some more self esteem here.

First:

And now a little back round from some previous posts:

Me:

The weekend went really well with my son.  I think I instant messaged you about how we had some really good in depth conversations.  We talked about my involvement with him and his brothers.  He told me that he understood but couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for me and that he thinks I am one of the strongest people he has ever met.  And he is comparing me with his scout leaders one of which is a super high powered environmental attorney and another who is a retired FedEx pilot and Navy fighter pilot.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he was telling me this.  He was so happy that he never pitted him or his brothers against his mom and that his mom didn't pit them against me.

Tara:

Just got home and read both your msgs.  How cool that your kids appreciate you.

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And Now:

Andy:

On Sat, Aug 31, 2019 at 11:10 PM  I wrote:

I need a bit more self esteem here. 

(YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND I AM NOT BASHING YOU OR MAD AT YOU IN ANYWAY.  YOUR RESPONSE TO A PREVIOUS E-MAIL WAS LOVING AND PERFECT.  I JUST NEED TO VOICE THIS, WRITE IT TO SOMEONE, WRITE IT TO YOU TO HELP THE MESSAGE MAKE THE JOURNEY FROM MY HEAD TO MY HEART. SO I HAVE TO BE A BIT HARSH.  I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE.  I NEED TO LET ADAMS WORDS HELP ME WITH MY SELF ESTEEM.  I DON'T WANT THIS TO HURT YOU.  BUT I NEED TO HAVE MY HEAD SAY, "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM A GOOD PARENT.  . . . . . BECAUSE IT DOESN'T DO THAT.  THINK OF THIS AS KIND OF A BATAKA SESSION AND IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OTHER THAN YOU PROVIDED SOME WORDS IN A PREVIOUS E-MAIL FOR ME TO WORK WITH.  LIKE I HAVE SAID BEFORE YOU ARE THE LIGHTS ON THE SHIP AHEAD OF ME IN A RAGING STORM AT NIGHT.  THIS SHOULD BECOME MORE CLEAR AT THE END OF THIS E-MAIL)

Strap yourself in.  Here we go. 

This whole fucking thing with Valerie is destroying me. Please understand that the following is a bunch of horseshit.  I feel safe in telling you and being honest about the circus in my head.  If Maryanne weren't here and one day she won't be, I could so see myself having a bottle of wine and going out to the garage and going to sleep in a running car.  I mean, don't most people think that at one time or another.  I am actually really worried about being left alone. It is fucking terrifying.  The only thing that makes me feel better about being all alone is that I have some control over it. suicide.  It brings a certain sense of relief as in, "All I gotta do is this.  No matter what they say everybody will be fine. Including me.  They just don't want to feel guilty. blah blah blah"

Okay, so that wasn't good, right?  What I wrote up there is the end game on Valerie.  Valerie isn't even a person anymore just some abstraction.  The abstraction of a relationship.  The abstraction of not being alone.  The abstraction of the idea that I am not a good person worth being around.  Which most of the time I feel.  It is just the way it is.  It is a feeling I have.  I won't deny it.  I also won't deny that feelings are not facts.  But that feeling, that feeling of not be a good person worth being around is strong. And it is soooo consuming sometime.

So!  Remember way way back when we were at Unity when it was on 4th street in the shopping center.  It was a cold winter's day and..... and it was Rodney's Birthday and I wanted to call and talk to him.  That was a truly horrible time for me.  You actually called Ronda and asked her if I could talk to Rodney and she let me.  Fuck, I am crying just thinking about it. I remember that time with my kids.  I couldn't even bring myself to go up and see them.  Later that year Ronda and I agreed that I would call them on Sundays.  I dreaded that time of the week. It was the most horrible time of the week.  Neither the kids nor I knew what to say to each other.  The conversations were short - five minutes at most.  I hemmed and hawed hours before making the call and after the call I felt soooo cold and empty and I felt like such a loser. In 2006 I did not see them at all.  And then until 2008 I only saw them at most six times a year.

People tell me I am a really good parent. They do not know though.  In my mind I knew I hated calling them.  In my mind I knew I hated going up there.  In my mind I knew that at one point I didn't even want to know about them.  Good parent?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You don't know.  If they only knew. . . .  The, "You are such a good parent" is a disingenuous platitude.  And I would hate the people that would say that to me.

I wrote to you about what happened with Adam and me last Sunday when he said with tears in his eyes that I was one of the strongest people he knew.  You wrote back, that it was so cool that I had kids that appreciated me. Here goes. Like I said these words seem to work. (By the way Tara, I think you are one of the people that I most love on this planet.  I need to tell you that because what is going to follow may not convey that sentiment)

My thought after that was "really!?"  Don't you realize what I just wrote to you about.  He said I was one of the strongest people he new and all you got is, "It is so cool that you have kids that appreciate you."  So the reason for my sort of harshness here is that you were there. You were there when I needed to talk to Rodney.  You watched the whole thing of how difficult it was for me and all you could muster up was. Whoa dude that's cool."   No, I beg to differ.  It wasn't just "cool".  It was a fucking miracle.  It was beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  Those words, "You are one of the strongest people I know." deserve more than  a "cool" or "Dude that's awesome, party on. . . . "  No, no, no, no,. . . . . Those words were a culmination of 16 goddamn years of being in the dark trying to do the best I could and not believing I was doing anything at all.  Those words he spoke were a type of reward somehow for the cold and empty that I have so often felt.  16 fucking years of cold and empty.  16 years of "what I am doing means nothing." "I am a piece of shit." "why am I even calling them.?"  16 years of "why am I even fucking going up there?"  "They don't even want me up there anyway."  16 fucking years of, "I am just their fucking uncle."  "They wouldn't even know it if I was gone." " I feel like such a fool going up there."  "I feel like such a fool calling them."  "Everything I say to them on the phone is stupid."  "Why am I calling them?"

And then one Sunday night in August in 2019, many moments after 2006,  I get. "I've never viewed you as my uncle with an emphatic, You are Dad!, You know you are one of the strongest people I know.  I have the greatest respect for you.  I value what you say." Complete with tears in his eyes.  He even apologized for "getting so deep."

When he said that, all I could think was, "Yessssss" with a super duper fist pump.  So no Tara. It wasn't just "cool they appreciate me."  It was or is a Fuck Yeah!  I did it.  I was able to do it - at least with one of them.  All the emptiness.  All the coldness, all the not knowing.  Yet, I kept on going. I kept putting one fucking foot in front of the other.  I only looked back occasionally but never once did I think about turning around.  Turning around was not an option.  I just kept on doing the empty, the cold, the not knowing.  In the dark, in the blizzard, in the rain, I kept moving.  I knew I couldn't stop no matter how bad it felt, no matter how much it hurt.

In my heart I know what I am doing!  I know what I am doing is true and good and right!  And I've done it!

Tara, you wrote the perfect set of words.  And I don't actually think for one second you were trivializing what had happened.  All these things that I have said about me keeping going, calling them, going up there and so on.  You have told me over and over for the last 16 years.  Of course they didn't make it into my heart.  Even the words that Adam said are attempting to make that almost impossible journey from my head to my heart.  But me yelling at you I think sort of helps clear that road for Adam's words, . . . and for your words.

I believe that what I have done with my kids is amazing and a miracle.  And I couldn't have done it without you.

I really needed to hit that bataka, or however you spell it, tonight.

I have to admit that is some winding road starting with Valerie destroying me and ending up with what I have done with my kids is amazing.  It was intentional. I spoke with someone today that said when ever they went into obsessing about a failed relationship it was when they were feeling low self esteem.  Maybe if I have more self esteem Valerie will get the fuck out of my head.

I really hope all this made sense and you still like me.

A lot of love and a lot of light your way

Andy.

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Tara:

On 2019-08-31 23:35, Tara wrote:

Thanks for telling me that, Andy.  I'll take it as a vote of trust in me.  And you're right.  It is a miracle.  Everything you've done in recovery is a miracle.  Doing the hard thing of "Dad out of water" over and over week after week, year after year is incredible.  You have shown exceptional courage in the face of unbearable emotions all the years I've known you.  It's very rare.  Even in recovery.

I got sidetracked with a 12 step phone call before I could answer your last email.  I took trazedone before I read this email and I'm starting to drift, so I can't even pull together what I was going to say.  I wonder if that might have happened before my lackluster response to your story about you and Adam.  IDK.  I don't remember.  Anyway, I'm okay with your "yelling"  And I love you, too.

Tara

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Andy:

You are right.  I wouldn't have sent that to you if I didn't trust you would understand.  All you did was write a sentence that provided a spring board for me.  All that harsh verbiage was so that I could hear it/see it/voice it.  Honestly I was just yelling at myself.  Yeah, don't worry at all about what you wrote.  It was a wonderfully supportive e-mail.  I also really appreciate how you get back to me on my e-mails.

The crazy continues though. I just saw something else regarding V-girl.  This would really suck if it turns out to be true.  This will be in another e-mail though.

In gratitude.

Andy

Sucks being back. My brain is telling me my life is not alright.

Me:
On Tue, Aug 27, 2019 at 1:11 PM
I keep trying to tell my brain to stop.  Seriously just fucking stop would you.  And it is all back to v girl.  I am getting on FB just to see if she is in my active contacts.  We haven't messaged each other since last summer.  I haven't looked at her facebook page since last summer.  She isn't in my phone contacts.  For all intents in purposes she is  but an acquaintance yet she shows up near the top of my active contacts even when she is not active.  And when she is active she shows up as number one - before you - even before Kelli.

It is pretty creepy.  It is like FB knows.  It is like FB is in my head or. . . .

.

.

The eight year old child in me says:

"She keeps looking at my page!!!  Yes that's it.  Also, what the hell is she doing on messenger anyway.  She is on a lot. . . more so lately.  Maybe she did break up.  She can't stop looking at my page. and she wants to. . . .  I need to look at her page"
--------------------

The adult says:

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don't go to her page.  Let's just stay here.
------------------------

Lyrics to a new song I like:

Already, we'll all float on alright
Already, we'll all float on okay
Don't worry, even if things get heavy
We'll all float on alright
______

Float on lets not expect too much out of life.

Thanks for listening

Andy
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Tara:
On 2019-08-27 19:16, Tara wrote:

I'll add to your creepiness.  Not too many days ago, I went on V's FB page.  I almost never go on anyone's page.  She had wanted input from women on some health stuff, so I went there, though I ended up not leaving any comments.

Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship?  What about steps 1,2 & 3?.

Tara
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Andy:
She must be pregnant.
You asked, "Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship? What about steps 1,2 & 3?."
Anyway the answer is no.  It would just make it different in that I would feel so like a loser.  I am not tall enough.  I am too old.  I am not this.  I am not that.   I wish you hadn't told me about going on her page and the health stuff.  As I was reading, "I went on "V's" page". . .  my heart began to race.  How fucked up is that.  You do know I have no control over that kind of thing.  Those feelings are there. no amount of turning it over or admitting or coming to believe will stop those feelings from happening.

I am thinking that basically you just told me she is still in a relationship and that I should be working steps 1 2 and 3 to deal with it.   I was kinda not looking for that information.  It was kinda nice to have that hope. I wish you would have left me with that hope.

Anyway, usually after some kind of contact occurs with her the obsession gets less over time.  I know I probably just need to unfriend her.  After this contact with her it will probably take another four months.  Another four months, no contact, then unfriend.  So maybe December 7th if you are available or on my birthday. . . we can have a ceremony upon where I unfriend her.  It does not feel right to unfriend her yet.  I was about ready to when I got that message from her. . . . .  Maybe I could do it sooner but It would have to be some kind of ceremony kinda thing.

I've had lots of what I would consider cruel things happen to me since Wendy's passing.  Things that make me feel so fucking alone.  It feels so cruel.  Maybe this is me just being the victim but the feelings are there none the less.  And all this is just in my head. it is actually nothing real.  It is just some kind of abstract thing going on in my head as opposed to say my arm being cut off, losing my eyesight, etc.

My brain is really fucking me over.

If Wendy could some how communicate with me in some way to the effect of or where it would feel like:

Her putting her hand on my face, feeling her soft palm as it gently kisses my cheek.  Then feeling her fingers, her delicate lovely fingers run down the side of my face as she looks me in the eyes and tells me.  "Andy, I am not ready to let you go.  Please don't leave me."  And then maybe a delicate kiss where our lips would barely touch.  Maybe then I could straighten up out of my fetal position, put my hands on the floor and push my self up onto my knees, And then bring one knee up to plant one foot firmly on the ground and with that leg hoist myself up so that I am standing erect once again.

I have been in the fetal position ever since she passed.  I want to stand again.  I can't seem to do it though.

Okay I am done now.

Thanks for listening yet again.

Andy
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Andy:
On Tue, Aug 27, 2019 at 11:28 PM wrote:
I do so appreciate all your communication with me!  I mean really!  Even the,"Would the obsessing end if you ended up finding out she's still in a relationship?  What about steps 1,2 & 3?." and how I interpreted it.  I am fully aware that what is going on with her is some kind of abstraction in my head which when I am in that hope is making my life or dealing with or coping with my life somehow easier?  I was talking to a sponsee tonight and telling him as we were sitting there eating and talking that, "Honestly, this is as good as it gets. Nothing is going wrong. I am not losing my arm or eyesight.  I feel basically good physically and mentally. Anything more than that is just some abstraction in my head.  It is literally physically nothing.  nothing at all.  Being with V or not being with V is nothing.  My brain is just fixated on this concept."  Unfortunately a lot of times this doesn't help.

The thing I wrote about Wendy though does a little bit.  If she were actually able to communicate with me some how and tell me that she did not want me to leave her.  And I knew for sure deep in my heart that she was there,  Obsessions about V or being in a relationship or anything would go away.  This of course is Wendy being my HP.

As far as steps two and three.  became willing and making the decision.  Step 3 to me is the God I offer myself to thee.  I go in and out on this one.

So Mary Anne and I are going up to Cedar City Utah tomorrow to go see a 4 and a half hour shakespear play.  Starts at 8pm tomorrow night.  It is always fun going on road trips with her.  I need this.

I am so filled with lyrics to songs these days.

Example - thinking of Wendy.

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive


The line "So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away" brings me gratitude in that Wendy and I did not fight with each other wasting our time as the moments slipped away.  We only had so many.  In fact we only had five million nine hundred eight thousand two hundred fifty five minutes.  We used them all.  every single one of those minutes we used.  Why would you waste even one of them fighting with each other?

Thanks for listening - gotta go to bed

love and light

Andy
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Tara:
You and Wendy knew the preciousness of your time together  That has a powerful effect on a relationship.  I remember that song.  Was it "In Your Eyes?"

Andy, it is so heartbreaking -- like the cruel twist you talked about -- that something with Roy repeatedly destroyed the awareness of the preciousness of our time together.  When he wasn't on the warpath, toward me or the world, I adored that man, his essence.  I still do.  But he couldn't not go on the warpath.  It seems such a terrible shame.  Maybe there was something I could have done.  But I have no idea what it might have been.  I wracked my brain, consulted with professionals, and tried everything under the sun I could think of.

What a shame not to appreciate the preciousness of time with a loved one.  I image it happens to most couples.  I'm glad it didn't for you and Wendy.

Have a fun trip!

Acting out

I haven't in the really bad way.  And I have yet too in the really really bad way.  Fortunately, the "really really bad way" only involves me hurting myself - no one else.  I am sooooo thankful to what ever power exists - could be God or could be just the way my brain is put together.

I want to stop this.  I did really good from last Wednesday through Sunday.  On Thurs I shut down my accounts on "the two" sites but then restored them on Monday.  It returned on Sunday and I had plans to do something when I got back to Phoenix but I didn't.  However, the stuff that I ordered had come in over the weekend while I was up in Montana and I tried it out.  It really lost it's appeal though.  I have no idea how they engage in that activity.

I need to keep talking.

?

Tara:

On Aug 23, 2019 9:04 AM, Tara  wrote:

You heard back from her after second attempt?

How are you doing today?  Step one-ing?  It's a terrible addiction.  I guess they all are.

Me:

On Fri, Aug 23, 2019 at 6:25 PM Drew  wrote:

I am in Montana now.  She did respond after my second message to her.  You'll never believe this but there's a chance that it may have had nothing to do with me.  Although I can talk myself out of that silly notion.  She said she had had a couple of bad days.  Honestly Tara I really don't have feelings for her like I do for V-girl.  I must have abandonment issues.

Speaking of V-girl.  After no communication with her for probably 4 months she messaged me a video for JP Sears He is a comedian that will be at the orpheum on September 15th. I looked at her profile picture and her cover picture and neither of them include the boyfriend.  it's just her and maybe her sister for the profile picture and her and her son for the cover picture. So you'll never believe this but the squirrel is really running in the squirrel cage now.  ?  The squirrel cage in my head.  The immediate thought is that her and her boyfriend broke up and she is wanting to see me at the show. There is no f****** way I am actually going to go to her Facebook page because I have been disappointed by her so many times now.

But Fuck! I was doing much better.  And oddly enough it was the event with Kelly that even helped me further put v girl in the background.  I was actually kind of thinking it was a good thing that Kelly had stopped or at least a lessened her communication with me.  It damn near put me in to the state I was back in 2005 2006 when I got back from Colorado. It was almost as if I felt in the groove again.

I guess these two are enabling me. Huh?

I don't know what the deal is with v girl. I mean why I am taken with her the way I am. On a superficial level she doesn't come close to the beauty of Wendy.  I can tell you I don't find her sexually attractive.  Oddly enough I actually didn't find Wendy sexually attractive.  I hope you know what I mean.  I think it is a good thing that I didn't find Wendy sexually attractive  The thing about sexually attractive women is they are usually trying to be sexually attractive.

All the other stuff about Valerie you know other than looks, I don't really find appealing either.  I actually don't even have any kind of fantasy in my head going on with her.  

There are some lyrics by my favorite band, Pink Floyd, that describe the situation: Was it love or just the idea of being in love.  Maybe that's it.  Wow.  How dismal is that?

Remember when you got the text from Acam. Not sure how you spell his name but my auto-correct automatically switched it to "Scam". Anyway we were at Coco's and you got the text and I told you wow that looked like you just injected yourself with heroine or something like that.  That is what her message was to me.

So here I am with "this". And "this" is: "She messenged me about the show. From her profile picture and her cover picture on Facebook she's not showing her boyfriend.  Maybe they broke up!  Maybe she wants to go to the show with me or at least see me at the show.".

  

Here is a reason why I probably shouldn't be thinking this.  Aside from the fact that it's all coming out of addiction.  I changed both my profile picture and my cover picture on FB.  My cover picture is of the mountains and my three boys over to the left.  It is a panoramic view. My profile picture is just of me.  She has not liked any of my posts for over four months.  However after the long hiatus she liked the cover picture photo but did not like the profile picture.  So as not to give me wrong information.  she likes the view and possibly the picture of my boys but she does not like the guy who posted them. Actually I am sure she likes me but not the kind of like that would signal affection.

So am I going to go to the show?  To see her and her boyfriend?  Uh yeah. . . I think that is a full on "Fuck no". She is clueless about my attraction to her or she is just really clueless.

End result.  I got another four months to get back to where I was a couple of days ago.

Hope you found this email entertaining.

Andy

Tara:

On 2019-08-23 20:23, Tara wrote:

You're reminding me of my Akaam days.  I'd think "Okay, now this is really over and he can't get to me anymore.  I'm through this time."  And I'd go along thinking i was through, I was a free woman!  But he was like a fisherman, letting me have a lot of line while I'd think I was untethered and free.  Then, after some period of time, he'd yank.  And I, with hook firmly planted in my mouth, would get dragged back....totally powerless.  Then the "incomprehensible demoralization" would set in.  I remember when I'd hear big book readings at AA mtgs during that time I always related them to the love addiction.  And, yeah, I remember well the evening he texted after my not hearing from him for a few weeks and your saying "The drug has been administered."  And you were dead right.

I think the saving grace of being with Wendy was that she made sure your contact was very structured.  It was paced pretty slow with lots of breaks in between, enough so to keep enmeshment from happening, but your time together was secure so it didn't leave you wondering from week to week.  I think it's that getting pulled in (sometimes with a lot of intensity) and then pushed away that gets our disease going.  I'm not sure what the deal is with V (HP stuff?), but I wonder if your recent stuff with Kelli has any enmeshment stuff to it.

Hope you have a good weekend up there!

L & L,

Tara

Me:

On Mon, Aug 26, 2019 at 12:54 PM wrote:

You wrote: "I'm not sure what the deal is with V (HP stuff?)"  to which I write, "Uh,. . . yeah?  no shit. Like I didn't just get off the recovery boat or wait would it be I didn't just get on the recovery boat?"  (just joking around)

The weekend went really well with my son.  I think I instant messaged you about how we had some really good in depth conversations.  We talked about my involvement with him and his brothers.  He told me that he understood but couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for me and that he thinks I am one of the strongest people he has ever met.  And he is comparing me with his scout leaders one of which is a super high powered environmental attorney and another who is a retired FedEx pilot and Navy fighter pilot.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he was telling me this.  He was so happy that he never pitted him or his brothers against his mom and that his mom didn't pit them against me.

He is really anxious about making it through school. We talked about women and girlfriends and that kind of stuff.  He said he really wants a relationship not just the sex.  He said that his generation is just into hooking up but he wants to get into a relationship instead of just fuck.  I think this is the same for Alex but he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it.

As far as I can tell all my three boys have really "got it going on"  What ever that means.

There is really so much more.  I am really grateful that I was able to spend the time with him.  He was really happy that he was able to spend the time with me.  I hope this kind of thing continues.  I probably won't see him until after the new year primarily because of money.

All that being said V-girl has once again become ever present on my mind. I wish there was a program for stuff like this.  A program for people who all they can think about is the other person or the relationship with that person or the idea of being in a relationship with that person - with sex too, of course.  I am trying to get my higher power involved here but the best I can do is communicating with you.  I mean after that message about JP Sears coming to town I keep thinking (really hoping) that she must have broke.  That is a total set up.  There is nothing special about her but somehow my head is fixated on her.

Oh well, must keep on trudging.  Off to turn my rental in and sit at the gate.

Andy

Tara: Aug 26 2019

Just got home and read both your msgs.  How cool that your kids appreciate you.  They're so fortunate to have you as their dad instead of some emotionally constipated disapproving father like many men have.  You have so much to offer them.  You're smart, funny, self-aware, put their needs first, and they can talk to you about anything under the sun.  An emotionally safe, trustworthy, really caring father.  How many men have that !?  Good for them and good for you!  How great that you got all that time with Adam.

I wonder if there is an SLAA mtg happening here these days.  I think a new one started up some time ago, but maybe it didn't fly.  You could, however, do phone mtgs.  I did a few of those a long time ago.  The info is on their website.

I would guess that obsessing about V keeps you from being where I am.  Off alone in the desert with no end to the emptiness in sight, trying to do what I can to feel like life without a mate,  without even a thought of a potential or desired mate, is enough.  It ain't for sissies. 

In Withdrawal

ME:

On Thu, Aug 22, 2019 at 8:38 AM wrote:

I won't be using messenger anymore or at least for a while.  I need to stay off facebook.  I have to put that in my inner circle.  It is driving me up the wall.  I keep going back to my phone or checking my e-mail to see if I have received a response from her.  So I have taken messenger off my phone and unsubscribed to notifications from facebook and messenger.  So I no longer need to look at my phone or my e-mail.  I just have to not go on facebook.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Signed

In withdrawal

Andy

Tara:

On 2019-08-22 09:47, Tara wrote:

What exactly happened?  You sent her a msg yesterday or the day before and she didn't answer?

I had this a few months ago, before ending any possibility of a romantic R with the MT guy.  He would back off in some way, not reply to something or take longer than usual to reply.  It would be something that I wouldn't think twice about if a regular friend or family member did it.  But he was in temporary HP spot in my life ( the one who determines my worth, my overall desirability as a partner to anyone, my acceptability as a human being to take up space on the planet, the one who could condemn me to irredeemable worthlessness with the roll of an eye), so everything he did or didn't do took on special importance.  I'd have to talk myself down from it every time I got triggered.

In the desert,

Tara

ME:

On Thu, Aug 22, 2019 at 10:55 AM <drew@sybillus.com> wrote:

I caved (or maybe not) but thinking that it might be something else other than me, I texted her, "Hope you are doing well."  If I don't hear back from that then I will know something is up.

Treading water

Andy

Tara:
Yeah. Most people don't have the appetite for talking about feelings that you and I have. Men often give a non-response response to having a feeling mentioned to them, especially if they aren't in program. Where are you at with Step 2? It seems like last time we talked about that kind of stuff, some time back, you didn't have much belief in anything left. It's something I've been working on lately, since I've had the "It's over" stuff in my face for awhile. Having some kind of non-human HP (even if it's not theistic) seems important since we are 100% powerless over this kind of addictive stuff (and pretty much everything else, too). Going to meet a sponsee now to do stepwork. I'm doing it alongside her, which seems like a good idea since I need all the recovery support I can get!

A cool down with Kelli

So Kelli has cooled down on sending me texts.  Usually I get a couple from her a day.  Now I don't get any unless I send her one.  Sometimes I will send her one and then have to send another to get a response.  I am thinking if this keeps up for a week or so I will have to go, as she puts it, "dark."

Okay, gotta be careful here.  Am I going to "purposefully" or rather with intent, "not message her"?  If this is the case then this is playing games.  I don't want to play games.  It would be okay if it were like last year where I this was not happening where we would message each other every day.

Yesterday was almost the first day where we might not have messaged each other.  At the end of the day I messaged her and asked if she was busy.  She said she wasn't really doing anything other than having instant message conversations with a bunch of people.  One of which was not me.

Okay, she said she "conversed with many."  Again, one of which was not me.  Then this morning nothing.  So I messaged her later in the morning and still nothing even though she was on line.  Usually she gets back with me fairly soon.  So it would appear that something may be starting up with someone else which is what I expected.  I mean I am 2000 miles away.

So I need to stay off face book and messenger and start to go dark.