Sunday, November 27, 2011

Birthday.

Two things I heard yesterday are, If you don't want recovery you won't get it.  The other thing was.  .  .  .  I forget.  .  .

Just got done having a meeting with one of my sponcees.  We meet every Sunday morning at Denny's.  Both he  and I have come to really enjoy meeting.  I mean there is nothing like having coffee and the senior waffle slam and really good conversation.  I have to admit that the conversation is better than many of the conversations that my girl friend and I have.  Of course my girl friend and I are together a lot where as my sponcee and I meet maybe two to three times a month.  So I probably have more conversations with my girl friend that are good.  .  . Well, hopefully you get the point.  I am digressing.

In between the last paragraph and this one, I went to that bad place.  I  am back now which is why I am writing this paragraph.  This dis-ease knows no limits.

Today is my birthday.  It started out with what was probably addictive sex with my girl friend.  She was able to orgasm rather quickly, I on the other hand took some time.  Usually I just quit after it starts taking too long.   Okay, yes I know this is too much information but she got her-gasm;  I wanted my-gasm.  And because it was my birthday I did not stop until I got my-gasm.  We both acknowledged it.  This is actually the way my ex and I always had sex.  We would work on me until I got my-gasm.  Anyway it wasn't very satisfying.  Unfortunately what I did between paragraphs two and three was more satisfying.  Boy, I gotta tell you life really sucks right about now.  This, by the way, just in case you were curious, is not recovery.

Well, I should probably get my shirt tucked in and my fly zipped back up.

There, that's better.  Boy this is going to be next to impossible to read.  In fact, I don't think I will ever get back to reading this again.

The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it.  This is such a precise statement of my condition.  I do it and then afterward there is this feeling of relief; a feeling of well being.  I actually have a feeling of well being after I do this thing.

On top of all this right now as I speak my girl friend's son who is eighteen is adding his own brand of drama to this.  I guess he feels obligated to be here on my birthday.  Either that or he just wants to go out to a restaurant where somebody else will be picking up the tab.  I would be very surprised if he actually ends up paying for any of my lunch.  That is what were supposed to do today; go out to lunch, comeback, and have kind of a little party with chocolate cake.

Anyway her son says he wants to come over from his dad's to have lunch with my girlfriend, her other son, and me.  He also needs to be somewhere else and it looks like this lunch/party is going to interfere with those plans.  Typically when stuff like this happens he starts getting all pissy.  So one scenario is that he will come out with us and his did is going to come over to the restaurant and pick him up.

This would be spec-fucking-tackular.  Sitting there at my birthday lunch and having my girlfriend's ex-husband walk in to pick up her son.  I won't really go into it but to give you a flavor for the relations she has with her ex, she has had to put a restraining order on him from any type of oral communication let.  So they only communicate by e-mail.  Further, because his language is so abusive in the e-mails, she has all of his e-mails forwarded to her cousin in New York City so that she can filter out the abusive/triggering language and relate only essential information.  So having him come in on my birthday lunch would just totally suck.  I mean it is my fucking birthday.

The next thing is him and his pissy behavior.  In the words of the great Wayne  B. he does not suffer well, and he does not suffer alone!  His mood dominates the atmosphere.  I mean it takes over.  It is like standing around high tension wires where you can hear the buzz of electricity and you are just waiting for the lightning to strike.  This is what I grew up with.  I am very sensitive to it and I will be god fucking damned if I will put up with it on my birthday.

It is bad enough that I am turning 48.  I am beyond the half way point in my life.  I am having a hard time seeing, my teeth hurt,  I am growing old.  The next two days at work are going to be stressful.  And, he has to come in and fuck it all up.  Yeah, Yeah, I know he can only fuck it up if I allow him to.   Unfortunately, my brain is predisposed to allowing him to.

We are going to Cocos.  I want to have t-bone steak which is a major no no in my girlfriend's house hold.  So I will have a t-bone steak at the restaurant.  She made a chocolate cake for me which we are going to have when we get back from the restaurant.  She put it in the oven and went to take a shower that was between paragraphs two and three.  She got done with her shower just as the timer was going off for the cake.  Her son called her up and asked if he could be picked up earlier because he has plans; the plans I referred to earlier.  So it looks to me like he is on a time table which puts my birthday on a time table.  I so fucking wish he wasn't coming.  I have half a mind to just leave and be by myself today.


















Monday, October 24, 2011

Yesterday, as I was editing the previous post, I went there - to that place.  You know the place I go - the bad place.  I went, as I always do, just to have a peek.  Something different happened this time and I think God came in on this one.  This has actually happened before.  What happened was that I felt an incredible sense of repulsion about what I was doing.  So I left. I went back to editing the post but then the compulsion returned and I went back to that bad place.

I went back but could not do it.  The repulsive feeling displaced the pleasure I normally get out of such an activity. Okay God, I guess that's what I'm talking about when I am asking for you to remove the obsession.  I mean we aren't talking rocket science here!

Okay, Okayo kayo kay, I'm sorry,  I am sure there is probably more to it than I can see.  I guess when the obsession is lifted or when the pleasure I get out of it is removed - then what?  I imagine I am left with the underlying feelings which I do not want to or can not deal with.

Life carries on in the people I meet.
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in rod and rust
in the ashes and the dust 


Friday, October 21, 2011

It's hard to move on - still loving what's gone.

Flim, Avril 14th, Alberto Balsam, and On were right before Wendy.  I was living in Kachina at the time.  I forget the guy's name.  It was Owain,  he turned me on to Aphex Twin.

She (Ronda) stepped through the portal before me.  She was in the process of stepping through or rather it looked like she was in the process stepping through, when I jumped.  I jumped on November 22, 2005.  To be honest, I don't know if she ever jumped.  In actuality, I only saw her preparing to step through; I never actually saw her take that step.


Unwittingly I had jumped over the edge,  stepped off the cliff, walked through the portal, whatever you want to call it.  I say unwittingly because I didn't know I was doing it at the time.  I think from the view point of an "on looker" it looked like a man going crazy, having a  nervous breakdown, or loosing touch with reality.  As I look back on it now, I was having one massive temper tantrum.  When a two year old has a temper tantrum, it is usually in a crib or high chair.  There is a lot of noise, food may be thrown, dishes flung across the kitchen and most likely the dishes are plastic and the cup is of the "sippy" variety.  When a 41 going on 42 year old man throws a temper tantrum it's an entirely different animal altogether.  Lots of people can end up dead.  We read about it in the papers, see it on the evening news; it happens frequently.  Certainly my temper tantrum endangered me and without thinking it endangered the lives of my three children.  As result, I spent almost 48 hours in a psychiatric hospital.  I went in throwing the most massive temper tantrum of my life; I left with a determination I had not experienced since my first days in college when I was afraid of failing out.

Over and over, the first four minutes of side one of Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield and the words Constancy of Purpose.  I would set out every morning to go to work and set the disk back to the beginning of track one.  Every four minutes.  When it got to four minutes without even looking or thinking my finger would automatically go to the CD player and press the back arrow button.  Constancy of purpose!  I've got to get this.  I've got to get this down.  Come on Andy.  Lets get this down! .  .  . Now!

All the way into work.  Constancy of purpose and every four minutes, back arrow button on the CD player.  You have got to change!  You have got to change!  Go to the fucking meetings.  Just go to the Goddamn meetings!  Anything not to think about how fucking,.  .  . how absolutely fucking alone I was!

Work was nothing more than a place to go to occupy my mind for eight or so miserable fucking hours.  Anything to take my mind off the pain of being so fucking all alone!  Just look straight ahead and keep moving.  Find every resource you can.

At work I had detailing to do.  That is I had to make the working drawings for the machined parts for the piece of equipment I was designing at the time.  I remember listening to the song "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel during this time.  Once again, repetitively, but not from the beginning.  I would listen to it once all the way through and then when the song was just about to end I would listen to it from 4 minutes and 45 seconds to the end.

Life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it’s just the car that we ride in
the home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did i dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

I did grieve.

I did detail drawings for about four weeks from November 28th right on through Christmas.  This was fairly mindless work.  Compared to design work it did not require a whole lot of thought so I could bury myself in music while working.  As long as the music was on and I was detailing nothing could get into my mind yet at the same time the music allowed me to feel what was going on.  The music, "I Grieve" expressed the incredible loss I was going through at the time.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


All is well for the most part.  My blood pressure has been creeping up over the years and it is probably getting time to do something about it.  I have been riding my bike into work (about a 10 mile ride one way). This does not seem to be helping though.  I think I am going to have to start taking a pill for it. My mom had a problem with high blood pressure so I am kind of sensitive to it.

I had a cornea transplant in 2005 and for some reason it is starting to reject.  Actually, I know the reason.  I was supposed to be putting a drop of anti-rejection stuff (Pred Forte) in my eye once every other week. I kinda forgot for about 3 years.  So I am putting the drops back in and some other stuff and it appears to be on the mend.  I just can't use a contact in that eye for a while. Doing something as trite as putting one eyedrop in once everyother week takes more discipline than one would think.

The kids are doing great.  Alex is a skateboard fanatic and is becoming a guitar fanatic as well.  He is playing songs I wished I could play at his age.  He is not bashful about singing either which I think is really cool.  Adam, is collecting scrap metal and selling it to the scrap metal dealer down in Denver.  All the kids kind of follow what Alex does so Adam went out and bought an electric guitar and amp.  He told me, "Yeah, I had some extra money I did not know what to do with so I bought a guitar and amplifier this weekend."  Rodney is in third grade and is doing well.  He follows what his brothers do so I don't really have any interesting stories here but he is very concerned that I live near "volcanoes" and wants me to vacate the area as soon as I can.  Flagstaff is located in what was a highly volcanic area about a thousand years ago.  I told him the volcanoes were not active.  This piece of information did not have any impact.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Going to a highschool football game

Going out meant you had to be on.  Everybody would be there with something funny and whitty to say.  I was never that person - the funny quick and whitty one.  I was never a "popular guy."  These issues seem to be coming up in my group therapy.

Oh, did I tell you I am back in group therapy.  yeppers.  Anyway that is a topic for another entry.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

10 true things

I woke up this morning and really wanted sex.

I met with my sponsee at Denny's this morning.
It was a good talk.
I told him about my indiscretions of yesterday.
The indiscretions of yesterday scare me. They are warning signs.

The dis - ease is less today so I deleted what was here.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today

It was three years ago today Carrie asked if we could be "more than just friends."  We had just got done watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."  I sat in the rocker and she sat on the couch.  It was something we decided to do as friends.  I had come over to do landscaping in the front yard. We were going to watch the movie and then I was going to do the landscaping.

However, after the movie was over she said there was something she needed to tell me.  I thought she was going to tell me that we shouldn't be watching a movie together like this and I should get out there and do the landscaping and in fact I don't even think it is a good idea that you are doing the landscaping.  I want you to leave and I do not want to see you at the Saturday night meeting anymore.

I actually tried to preempt her and tell her that, "Yeah I know I need to be out there doing the landscaping this was nice and everything but I'll go now.  There was a lot more that I said but she kind of cut me off and said, "I probably shouldn't be asking you this and I know I am breaking the rules but would you be interested in being more than just friends."  At the time, we were and still are attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  We both had been attending the meeting for four years and three days - but who was counting.  In the opening it says, "This is not a place to meet sexual or emotional partners."  When she asked me if I wanted to be more than just friends she was prepared to give up the meeting.  It turns out her birthday is also on the 14th of September.

I was dumbfounded.  The idea of her and I being in a relationship was taboo.  In fact, I wouldn't even acknowledge that I was attracted to her.  I don't refer to her in this blog until a year after we have been together.   The notion just seemed so far out of reach it was ludicrous.  It was about a year prior to us getting together that I did start acknowledgeing to friends that I kind of had a crush on her.  That was probably in the fall of 2007.  I wasn't really writing much in this blog.  My last entry was in Oct of 2007 I think.  I only put in eleven entries in 2008 the last one being in June which was two and half months before the "big day."

I had been on match dot com and oh God did that ever suck.  I just couldn't see my way to being with any of the women on there.  I talked with a couple prospects over the phone, set up times to meet, but  both canceled at the last minute.  I was grateful.  I always kept coming back to Carrie - the woman that was off limits.  I would talk to Frank about her.  I would talk with Jay about her and I would talk with JD about her.

During the fall of 2007 she was working down south and there was this guy that was making "lots" of appointments.  Carrie is an NP by the way.  This guy became known as "Alaska Guy" because he lived in Alaska at various times during the year.  He made a number of overtures to her, would bring in baked goods for her and the staff and finally asked her out on a date I think.  Carrie told him that she would have to "not see him professionally" for at least six months before she would consider going out with him.  He did this and on the first day after the six month wait he called her.  There was some kind of wierd interaction and Carrie called me about this interaction to see how she should interperet it.  This would have been around May of '07.  This also would have been my oportune time to say, "You need to get away from this guy!  He is bad news!  You should spend more time with me!" and so on and so forth.  Instead I told her that the behavior was, in fact, wierd but he may be just trying to save face or something like that.  I did not try to interfere.  What I thought would happen would be that she would get into a relationship with this "Alaska Guy" and then every Saturday night I would have to hear about her trials and tribulations of the relationship with the "Alaska Guy."  

Also at the same time another person, Terrie, in the "Saturday night" group was getting hot and heavy into a relationship and that relationship was becoming quite addictive.  Actually, around the time of  "Alaska Guy" it became addictive enough that Terrie was only making a meeting about once every other month or so.  There were four of us in the Saturday night group, Peter, Terrie, Carrie, and me.  Peter was coming maybe once a month around this time.  So by the summer of 2008 it was just Carrie and me going out afterwards.  The "Saturday night" after the meeting group was becoming less of a group.

It was in May of 2008 that it finally happened where both Peter and Terrie dropped out enough that it left only Carrie and I.  Terrie showed up for the meeting that evening and said she would be leaving half way through because she had some sort of  "spiritual stuff" to do.  I knew exactly what kind of "spiritual stuff" was going on.  To be honest, I think I really did give her the benefit of the doubt but she later came clean and validated my suspicions.  I mean come on!  We are in SLAA and she's getting more and more into this relationship.  Apparently the act of sex when practiced by more enlightened people is "spiritual."  It later turned out that Terrie basically gave up her soul for this "spiritual zen master" who in my opinion knew nothing of Zen.   Okay, I am digressing.  So I knew it was just Carrie and me and came to the realization that I would just go home after the meeting.  But right after Terrie announced she had to leave to go have se.  .  . uh I mean  for her Spiritual EXperience, Carrie asked if I still wanted to go out afterwards.  I said very disinterestedly,  "Yeah, sure I guess - didn't really have anything else going on."  I think I just said, "Okay."  I was kind of giddy.

We went out afterwards.  As we sat down the first words out of my mouth were, "Wow, this feels kind of like a date."  I had no idea what we would talk about and I sort of couldn't wait to get the whole thing over with for fear of the "long awkward silence."  I don't really remember what we talked about but must of managed to come up with something.  Because we found ourselves alone after the meeting a number of times after that.  In fact, we started calling each other in advance to see if the other would be there and available to go out afterwards.

One of the things we talked about was me doing the landscaping which I finally started around July of 2008. I remember going to the Landscape Connection to pick out rock to lay down.  I remember she got a trash bin out front that I raked up all the bark and wood chips that were laid down.  And finally I started spreading the ground cover and laying down the rock.  Which then led up to September 14th of 2008 when she asked if I wanted to be more than just friends.  After a lot of stammering and yammering I finally said, "The answer to that question would be yes."  We then consummated the newly proclaimed "coupledom" with a hug.  A kiss would come two weeks later on a trip to Jerome.

I left her house and went back to Kachina where I was living and told my roommate.  I couldn't believe what  had just happened. I took a shower and then drove back into town for the 6:00 pm meeting at the Quaker meeting house.  Just past the I-40 interchange I took the picture shown at the beginning of this post.  That is how our relationship started.

There is so much more to the story.


 

Monday, September 12, 2011

Gray Day on the Hill

It is a gray day on the hill.  It has been cloudy and rainy for about the last 6 or so days and it is starting to get to me.  I can't really ride my bike.  It kinda sucks.

Okay, how about this.

It was a gray day on the hill, which is a reference the locals use to point out that they live on the highest swell of land in the state.  It is a point of fact that the area is remnants of a super volcano that blew its top similar to Mt St Helens did in the 80's.  The "blowing" took place about a hundred thousand years ago.   The other part about "hill" is that it is around 6000 feet higher than the lowest part of the state which makes it significantly cooler.  While temperatures down in the valley sore to 110 plus degrees, temperatures on the hill might only make it to the mid-seventies.  So it was on this day that it was 103 degrees in the valley and it only made it to 68 up on the hill.  However, it appeared to be gray all over the state.

The day started out with a bang, literally.  Okay, lots of bangs and bright flashes of light.  It all seemed to sound good until he realized that he would not be able to ride his bike into work.  It felt good to sleep in but I wouldn't be able to ride my bike.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Decision

The decision was made to stay here and not go back.  The decision was made on Sunday - two days ago.  This morning I was at my sponsor's house and I got the call for the offer.  I was able to kind of preempt him and tell him that I would not be able to accept any offer and that was it.  It is done.  After seven years I think I finally made the commitment to move to Flagstaff.

This ends roughly seven weeks of agonizing about what I should do.  It was an incredibly hard decision.  It was the most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life.  I wish I could put together the words that could describe how difficult and painful it was but I can't.  I am just not that good with words as you can see from this blog.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Note to self:


Don't make the decision out of fear

Don't make the decision out of fear my sponsee said.  "Know that God will take care of you."  This coming from a guy I am sponsoring.  I should be saying this to him.  Well, the fact of the matter is neither of us are fully committed to the "Know that God will take care of you." thing.  It has just been both of ours experience. We have had experience with God taking care of us.

So he said this to me at breakfast this morning.  I wanted to remember it so I wrote it down on my hand.

I really do not want to move away from Flag Town.  I am completely torn.  I feel like I should move to be with my kids.  The decision is coming up and I will be going through several days of pure hell.





Saturday, September 03, 2011

Looking down both roads

and wondering which way to go.  A major cross roads is at hand.  It's been coming and uh coming. It is so anticlimactic!

No matter which decision I make I am going to piss off a number of people.  There is no doubt, I will feel emotional pain.  I could be saying good bye to what I know is a really good job.  I could be saying good bye to the opportunity to be with my kids as they grow up.

See you can't say this stuff on facebook.  Its all just a bunch of fluff.  Superficial shit.  "Oh look at me!  look at how good my life is!  Look at all the wonderful things happening to me!  Look at me my hair is purple now!!!"

"Oh, your purple hair makes me so wet!  Can I be next in line to fuck you!"

"Okay, after I fuck my ex-girlfriend.  She doesn't know about this so we'll have to keep it on the down low."

"That's okay . .  .

I am off the rails.  Anything not to look at the cross roads.  Anything!

Look at it.  Look at it.  don't fear

Friday, September 02, 2011

Facebook

Facebook makes me feel like such a looser.   I have like 23 friends.  All of those friends have like at least four hundred friends. All of them are telling each other how good everybody else looks with sexual innuendo.  What the fuck!  And one of my friends who just became single is fucking a different woman every night.  I finally had to tell him to stop telling me about it.  He fucks his ex every third or fourth fuck.  I know.  I know.  I am using "fuck" way too much.  Sorry.  But nobody is reading this anyway.  That's really okay.  I have to remember that this is for me.  All the crazy jumblings in my head.

Sounds like someone is a little jealous and bitter.

Yeah, well fuck you.  You're right.  I am jealous that all his little girl friends on facebook are fawning over him.  I have to admit that.  But the other thing I know, and this probably sounds like sour grapes, is that he is living a tormented life.  (I was going to say "fucked up life")  He is where I was 5 to 6 years ago.  And I have to say getting purple hair is far better than going 40 thousand dollars into debt - which is what I did.  But then again he is still having sex with the ex and I am betting that they will be getting back together again.  And why am I obsessing on it so much. . .

Facebook is a total ego junkie orgy.

I lived in my ego and got blown away.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

More on the winds of change

I have a decision coming up to stay or to go and I do not know what I will do.  I am sitting here trying to make a decision without all the information.  I mean I have not gotten the "offer." yet.  I am expecting it will come tomorrow.  It would be great if they would decide for me as in, "We've decided not to extend you an offer."  That would really feel like rejection but I would get it.

Making the decision means letting go of something.  Making the decision means making a choice and whatever I choose means I am not choosing the other thing.  It means I will be loosing something.

I honestly did not think it would come to this!

I am so fucking tired.  I had to leave work early today just to come home to sleep.

Oh God, please help me.

The Winds of Change and JD's winds of change

are a blowin'.  Change! What change.

I am contemplating a huge life change.  A move again - 700 miles back across the Rockies.  I can't think or concentrate on my work at hand.  This is why I am writing in this stupid fucking blog instead of doing my work.  God help me!

Dude, I wish my life change was as simple as coloring my hair purple.  Instead it is leaving all I have come to know in sobriety behind and going to a new place alone.  You say you are doing a "big" life change?  wooooo! whoooo!   Look the fuck out!   Gettin purple hair!  Sayin good bye to the girl friend accept for when you fuck her every couple of weeks or so sometimes its every couple of days .  To me, it only looks like the only thing that has changes is your purple hair.  You now have purple hair when you fuck her.

Change would be if you blocked her e-mail, phone, facebook and whatever the fuck else you contact her with. Change would be if you actually stopped communicating with her.  But alas, your ego needs satisfaction and when she runs after you it feels so fucking good!

Okay, I'm done.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Gone

Occasionally,  he would go back to where he last saw her but she was gone.

Although she wasn't there he could tell she would visit this place occasionally.  Everytime she was there she would leave a picture and everytime it was a different one.  She also left a message that read, "I hate life."

He didn't know why he would occasionally go back but really he knew and just did not want to admit it.  He had a thing for her.  For a period, of maybe four or five months, they walked through the wreckage together, wreckage that each of them seperately created.  Unfortunately just by the fact that they walked together they ended up adding to the firestorms and chaos that was already going on.

They had to split.

He thought he would visit the place one last time but deep down inside he knew he'd be back - back to the place that was once her rise above but had become just shits and digs.

Yeah, he'd be back.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Is it time yet?

He had been in out of the rain for a while.  The warmth of the fire felt good.  He had built something.   He had been away from the nightmare for five years now.  During that time he had built a shelter.  There was nothing palacial or elegent about it.  It was simple and at first it just kept the rain off his head and allowed him to get warm.

In the early days he was so grateful just to be out of the rain.  He had gotten some distance from the accident but yet he could still see the waxing and waining glow of the fires in the distant as the rain continued to fall.  The rain never stopped.  The yellow orange glow in the distance served as a constant reminder of the wreckage.  But after some time that glow that filled the night sky dimmed until one evening as he was snuggling under the covers he looked out and realized that not only had the rain stopped the there was not orange light reflecting off the clouds in the distance.

He had no idea how long it had been other than it seemed like years.  It took years for the fires to die down.  As he thought about it, there must have been a tremendous amount of fuel to keep them going all this time.  And indeed the amount of fuel was staggering and the fires had been going on for years unabated.

Even after the sky no longer flickered with golden yellow light the fires persisted and he knew this.  He knew they were still there just not strong enough to illuminate the night sky.  He could still smell.  He hadn't gotten quite far enough to escape the sickening smell.  He had set up what he thought would be a temporary shelter.  He vowed he would stay just for a few days and move on.  But he was tired and the days turned into weeks, the weeks to months and then the months collected themselves into two years.

One morning he woke up to a clear blue sky and realized he could not remember the last time he saw the brownish green haze or that "burn" smell.  He looked back in the direction from which he had traveled two years ago and wondered what was there.

At first it felt like he was being shocked in his stomach followed by slight nausea.  He didn't think too much about it at first but a month later it returned.  The feeling was more than a slight shock, now it was a hard tightening in his lower abdomen as if he was being punched in the gut in slow motion followed by a loss of breath.  He did not even realize he was not breathing.  The feeling started to return frequently.  It would happen at randomn times accept for Sunday's.  On Sunday, he could count on it.

He began to realize that this would come on everytime he looked back in the direction of the wreckage or even think about it.  And finally it occurred to him that didn't the night mare happen on a Sunday.

He had to leave.  Didn't he have any other choice?   He began to notice that he was rationalizing with himself everytime the queezy feeling and loss of breath would come on.  He was actually arguing with some one but did not know who.

"I mean there was nothing else I could do!  To stay there meant certain death!  Right?  The place wasn't safe.  I mean how long had the fires burned?"  He would think to himself everytime the feeling came on.  Just stay here and you'll be alright.  Deep down inside, he knew what this meant but only at an emotional level.  He couldn't actually enunciate in his head let alone out loud what he understood to be true at the gut level.

Let's take the boat out.
Wait until darkeness
Let's take the boat out
Wait until darkness comes.  .  .  .
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Looking down on empty streets

all she can see
are dreams all made solid
are dreams all made real.

This is kind of what I do for a living.  I design machinery.  It's nice and it is really nice when it works.  Alot of times it doesn't work (right off the bat)

All of those buildings
All of those cars
were once just dream in somebody's head

She pictures the broken glass she pictures the steam
she pictures a soul
with no leak at the seam.

Will I be back on the street? Mercy street that is.  .  .

Thursday, August 25, 2011

If you're going through hell. . .

Keep going

I'm going through hell.  Once again.  The hell of it is. hmmm ha ha.   Okay, the hell of it is, is that I may have to make a decision that is going to change my life drastically - again.  This time I am trying to really think it through and it doesn't seem to be working.  Thinking for me never has really worked out.

I love this place that I have come to know as home.  I love the people I know here.  I mean I think I actually really love the people I know here.  How could this possibly happen any where else.  I can't even concieve of it.  This was some how special.  This place is some how special, unique, can not be duplicated.  (Am I being redundant?)

They say, "they" being my group and various friends say, "Go, you need to be with your kids!"  "They" don't really understand.  The drama continues.  I still haven't heard anything yet. . .

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Pain

I don't seem to be able to write unless I am in a lot of pain.  Three posts in 2010.  No posts yet this year until this one.  I had to update some stuff on my server and it caused me to look at a blogging program offered by them.  I also saw Julie and Julia in which the main character writes a blog about Julia Childs.  It got me thinking about doing the blog some more.  So here I am.

In 2006 I did 164 entries.  I was in a lot of pain back then.  I would look at other peoples' blogs and see that their last entries were over a year old and wonder what the hell!  Why did they stop?  How could they stop blogging.  And now here I am haven't blogged in over a year.

Part of it is, is: "Who the hell cares?"  Who the hell cares what I have to say?  I did get an anonymous comment from someone who wrote that they were glad to see I was still writing.  This of course really appeals to my ego!  And this inspires me to write some more.  The comment was from my last post which I had done over a year ago.  The comment was left, I think July 17 of this year.

Today my life is much more boring.  I am much less pissed off about stuff - I mean much much less pissed off about stuff.  I am not in the pain of a divorce.  I am in a boring relationship.  This is a good thing.  On the relationship front boring is good!  We love and respect one another which makes for very low drama.

However, I have has some stuff come up in the last year that I could probably write about.  And I also have some stuff going on write now that might be interesting.  .  .