10 true things 082017

This is what today looks like.  It is Sunday and I have not spoken to a single soul since I left work on Friday.  It actually isn't that bad.  So I am going to write about the mundane.

1.)  The last caffeine I have had was on Friday morning. . . I am fairly sure.   I realized this yesterday afternoon when I started feeling a mild head ache.   I then decided that I would continue on and not have any excedrine like stuff.

2.) My knee is better.  It did look like this:

This was last Saturday.   This has pretty much kept me inactive most of the week.  I stayed home from work on Monday then went to the doctor on Tuesday and got a cortisone shot in the knee.   I really thought I would be going up Little Bear again this weekend and sort of prepared for it.  On Thursday I went for a hike up to about 7600 ft on Elden.  The knee did okay but it did give out now and then.  The more concerning part was that I was extremely out of breath.  On Friday, the knee seemed even better so I went for a walk at lunch.  Just as I was getting back it gave out.  And then the rest of the day I could feel it wanting to give out.  I then went up to 7600 ft again this morning and was completely out of breath.  I was wasted by the time I got to the turn around point.  I was going to try to make it to the boulders but at 7600 I called it.  Concerning!  My knee was sore and felt like it wanted to give out but it didn't.  It feels like it wants to give when there is a twisting action.

3.) I am debating on whether to go to the Sunday night meeting that seems to be folding.

4.) I have stayed off face book.

5.) I have tried to stay away from seeing Monika at work.  I have seen her but from a distance way down the hall or some thing like that.  This is just fucking nuts.

6.) I stayed inside the house all day Saturday (yesterday) did not leave once.  I actually slept until 3:30.   Hopefully to help my knee heal.  In the morning I could not put together the motivation to do anything other than watch Styxhexenhammer666 video so I just went back to bed.  I watched the videos while I ate the rest of my cinnamon toast crunch cereal.

7.) I have been watching https://www.youtube.com/user/Styxhexenhammer666  He is a smart ass kind of guy and is quite arrogant.  He completely lacks compassion.  Never the less he appears to make logical arguments.  He seems to be well read.  And of course he says a lot of stuff I agree with.  I ran across him when I was watching Lauren Southern do an interview with him.

8.) Speaking of YouTube, I have been binge watching it.   I will say that if I am watching YouTube it is better than the other shit I could be watching which for this weekend appears to be at a minimum. 

Thank you G-d.

I did get far too absorbed into the Charlottesville thing and then there was a Boston free speech rally which I started to go for.  Finally this afternoon I ended up on more uplifting stuff like Colin Furze

9.) Continue to miss Wendy.

10.) I decided to stop making soap.  It is kind of a pain in the ass and it seemed to be fun when Wendy was here.  Now it is just a pain in the ass.

Sheila - pointless if not hopeless.

contacted me while I was back at my High School reunion.  She gave me her number.  We ended up talking to one another for a couple of  hours and she indicated she wanted to talk again.  We did.  Then this last weekend she IM'd me in the middle of the night her time and I was dead asleep with a messed up knee.  I slept until 10:30 the next morning 1:30 her time just to stay off the knee.

She said she would be volunteering at a tennis tournament.  The text indicated she wanted to talk to me and asked if I would be around later that day.   I IM'd her that I would be around.  I called her around 5 my time 8 her time.  Her voice mailbox was full.  Later I went on facebook and the little green dot indicated that she was available for chat.  I sent her a message saying that I was sorry I missed her and wished her a good trip as she was going on a trip Mon, Tues, and coming back Wed - tomorrow.

I got nothing back.  It is crazy the way this works.  Valerie and Sheila.  I am getting used to it I guess.  I will let her go.  I got a cortisone injection and if it takes I will be climbing this weekend and Sheila will be but a memory.

I'll be brave, I'll be brave, yeah, I'll be brave.

When the time it comes around,

I'll be brave yeah I'll be brave

let me go now just let me go now!

My Aunt Passes.

Some Place in murica — Alice N. , 89, of some place in murica, passed away early Sunday morning, Aug. 13, 2017, at a hospice place.

Alice was born Feb. 6, 1928, in some place in murica, to Elmer and Ruth.

Our mom was a total reflection of who we have become, one who embraced individualism. She was non-judgmental to our beliefs and who we have become as our own person, whoever that may be. And for that we thank her.

Alice is survived by her daughter, Sally  of some place; two sons, Steve and Dale of some other places; five grandchildren, and four brothers.

In addition to her parents, Alice was preceded in death by her loving husband of 46 years,

Burial will take place at a Cemetery at a later date. 

Those wishing to contribute to Alice’s memory may do so

Condolences may be shared with the family.

News came today, we found a sea of air

When we went back nothing was there

A tower so tall it nearly left the ground

Still, when we looked, nothing was found

There was nothing out there, no, nothing at all

Nothing but space, nothing but ground

All the things I want, and the things I need

And there's nothing but stars looking back at me

But I'll be brave, I'll be brave, I'll be brave

When the time, it comes around

I'll be brave, yeah, I'll be brave

Just let me go now, let me go now...

We got the whole world hanging there

In our little sea of air

We got the whole world hanging there

In our little sea of air

We got the whole world just hanging out

We've got no sea to doubt

We've got the whole world hanging there

When you talk to God about suicide

When you never hear back, I hope you're still alive

And the part of you that never cared

You can leave it here in the sea of air

But I'll be brave, I'll be brave, I'll be brave

When the time, it comes around

I'll be brave, yeah, I'll be brave

Just let me go now!

We got the whole world hanging there

In our little sea of air

We got the whole world hanging there

In our little sea of air

We got the whole world just hanging out

We've got no sea to doubt

We got the whole world hanging there

We got the whole world hanging there

(the whole world hanging there)

In our little sea of air

Dear Wendy,

You left this world with someone loving you.  That someone was me.  There is no way around it.  I so love you.  It is clear I will never be with anyone else no matter how much I might want to be.  And you've seen it.  I want to feel the comfort of another but I felt the comfort of you and I am thinking that is pretty much all I need.  You left this world with someone loving you.  My Aunt Alice did not.  I don't know if my grandma on my dad's side did.  She did not get any love from me.   I could not love her.  There is a good chance my Uncle Gene will not either.  My dad will because I love him.  You certainly did.

I will climb every mountain I can.  I hope to die on one.   My greatest hope is that I die on a nice warm day in a scene similar to what you see below with my last words being, "Awe, fuck!"  And then if time permits I will visualize you. 

In our little sea of air.

My oldest son achieved Eagle Scout last year (2016) and he finally got around to having the ceremony (Court of Honor) where he is actually awarded the honor. (2017)  It is up to the scout to organize the ceremony to some extent.  Yes, it did take him a year to do this.  Apparently, he got the procrastination gene from me.

Part of the ceremony involves a sort of slide show where pictures are put to music.  The pictures show his history from cub scouts through boy scouts.  He chose the song and his mother arranged the pictures.

I think the range and breadth of activities shown in the pictures are amazing.   I mean I did the pinewood derby when I was a kid but that was about it.  These guys have done everything from ice climbing in Alaska to scuba diving in Mexico to canyoneering with the scorpions and rattlesnakes right in my backyard in Arizona.  Hopefully I will be going up with them to Alaska next year and also doing Clear Creek canyon in the next year or so.

A note about the music. . . . I may be completely wrong on this as I often am but I think in most boy scout troops they would not have allowed him to use the song he chose.   The song is "Sea of Air" by "Portugal. The Man."  Sounds like it would be an environmental song.  It is not.

That's about all.

Peace out.

Ok, So I am ready to go home now.

I guess the only way to get good at writing is to write.  Actually, I am typing.  I mean technically.

She hasn't posted since the 24th of July.  I feel like a stalker.  I wish she would post again.

It is just about 10:00 and the kids are still asleep.

So I am ready to go back home now.  She is going to have a little bit of a party prior to the Eagle Scout Ceremony for Unit one.  Oh yeah,  Unit one got his Eagle Scout, I guess it would be "badge?" last year.  He has never gotten the medal and paperwork that comes with it.  The Eagle Scout gets that at the Court of Honor.

I think Ronda is pissed at me.  God that sucks.  I think she was expecting me to do something that I didn't do and now she is pissed.

Anyway, Unit one had not done his Court of Honor.  So today he is doing it.  Ronda is going to have a party.  She invited the her friends Pam and Todd and their family and her sister and her sister's boyfriend.  Seems like a really super odd combination of people.  So Ronda will be talking with her friends Pam and Todd.  This is just going to suck.  I can't wait to tell you all about it.

So I am ready to go back home now.  Maybe this will keep me from feeling so bad when I get back home.  I guess I hadn't looked at it that way.

I talked to Tara yesterday.  I gave Tara the ridiculously stupid name of Elizabeth previously in this blog.  How 'bout we just call her Tara.  Elizabeth?  Really?  Shakes head in disbelief.

By the way, this is Tara - see figure "A" to the right.   I think I mentioned it before but she is with her boyfriend Roy.  It is an on again off again relationship.  When she wasn't with Roy we could really relate but now that she is with Roy we like so totally can't.  It just depressed me more to talk to her yesterday.

It All Starts with. . .

that first fucked up thought.  Today that first fucked up thought went something like this.  Nobody wants to go hiking with me soooooo.  I guess I will look at the ads.  I look at the ads and there she is.  She being the object.  This is such horrifying behavior for me.  Horrifying for the behavior in and of itself but it is also horrifying because it is my behavior.

Do I have to fucking spell out what the behavior is?  I mean seriously.  No.  I think I will kind of leave it cryptic.  Read the rest of the fucking blog if you don't know.

Right now I am sitting in my ex-wife's house on the couch with one of the lounging units extended.  Across from me is my oldest son, super dude,  actually "The Super Dude" named so because he is a, well, . . . "Dude" and he also just happens to be super just like my other two sons.  He is reading a magazine and listening to music on his new head phones.  Okay, well, now he is looking at his phone.  It doesn't look like he's texting maybe just watching something.  I think I have digressed.

Look where we've come from.  Take a look at where this blog started.  This moment is good.  This moment is good enough.  Perhaps this moment is as good as it gets.  Of course this is not good enough for me.  And so,  back to the fucking thought.

I think it all started with my ex-wife yesterday.   She was late getting out of here and she had to drive up to the mountains to her friends'  Ann's house.  She hates driving, my ex-wife that is.  My ex-wife hates driving.  She seemed particularly annoyed.  I told her I was sorry and stupidly offered to stay at a hotel.  She said, "We'll talk." which means that yes she is in fact annoyed and she is rethinking the whole me staying at the house thing.

And so as I am writing this what flashes through my mind is:

I need to come up here less.  But I just told her that I want to come up more and thought that maybe once a month would be good.  She seemed to think that was okay a couple of months ago.  I don't think she still holds that same sentiment.

After she said, "We'll talk."  she said something about I could come up and camp with the kids.

Me, "Hmmm. not so sure I want to do that one."  Me again. "I think I will just com up less.  I thin I will tell her I won't be back up until maybe late October."

Back to the behavior.  The craving has gone away primarily because I have "taken care of business" as what's his face and I say.  I decided to just hang out here with the chilluns. Units one and two.  Unit three went for a sleep over and Units one and two had to work.  I spent most of the time in my ex-wife's house alone.  Yes, I don't think I will be back up until late October or early November.  I think that is enough for this post.