Wendy's Dentist's appt. on Nov 25th 2015

This post is being written 2 years and 1 day after the date shown. (10/31/2017)

We went to CTCA for the last time today.  It was kind of a big day.  She was going to tell the doctor that she was not going to do anymore chem and she felt like she was going to be "going it alone."  She was afraid I wouldn't support her.  I support her.  We had our heart to heart sort of over two weeks ago on our 3rd wedding anniversary.  I told her that I realized that she was not going to get better and that I was accepting the end.  Not only was she surprised to hear this; She was relieved as well.  I was surprised she was relieved.  I was also surprised that she still thought that I thought she would get cured or that I thought she could be treated such that the disease would go back into remission.  I didn't want to give up hope but I had to be realistic.

She explained to the doctor she didn't want to continue with chemo anymore.  The doctor then countered with, "I don't think it is worth it to continue with the chemo. You should work on enjoying life as much as possible."  Something to that effect.  Wendy then asked about a dental appt on the 24th of November.  She asked if it would be safe for the dentist or dental hygienist to work on her gums.  When undergoing chemo therapy the gums become very sensitive to damage and can get infected easily.  The doctor responded by telling her that she really wouldn't need a dental appt on the 24th.  The following are two videos of that day.

The beginning of the day

The end of the day

This was our last trip to CTCA (Cancer Treatment Centers of America)

Chemo

First chemo was last Thursday.  It was a horrible day but not as horrible as Sunday.

Sunday of course was mother’s day.  These days holidays and especially mother’s day highlights the fact that my wife has cancer.  The chemo started taking effect on Saturday as expected but kicked into high gear Sunday morning.

The day started out okay.  I went to meet my wife’s friend. I am sort of sponsoring her.  She is one of my wife’s best friends and we meet on Sunday mornings because I kind of have some experience with what she is going through.  We had a good meeting.  What actually ended up happening was she ended up supporting me.  I went home to get my wife and as I was waiting for her and watching her deal with her exhaustion and fatigue from the Chemo are started to get a little angry.

We were going out to get presents for her oldest son’s wedding which is this coming weekend.  She was extremely lethargic and watching her get ready tired me out.  We got in the car and headed out to the store and on the way there I said that this would have to be the last time we were going to be doing something for somebody else or rather this should be the last time she should be doing this kind of thing for someone else as it is just too taxing for her.  They originally wanted her to make the rehearsal dinner and set up and all that stuff.  They were understanding (son and fiancee) that she couldn’t because of the chemo. Anyway I went on to say that she should tell whomever you are required to give gifts perform certain services “If you can’t accept that I cannot get you x, y, or z or do x, y, or z for you then this is where our “paths” separate.”

She interpreted this as me telling her that if she didn’t do what I was telling her to do then I was going to leaver her.  She interpreted it a threat. . . She was completely devastated.

I had, as I often do, left out the part, “You should tell them. . . ”  and all she heard was, “If you can’t accept this then this is where our “paths” separate.”  She said, Floyd, I can’t believe you just said that to me”.  I didn’t understand.  Finally she went on to say I can’t believe I have been threatened like that.   I had to think, “Threatened, how did she feel threatened?”  Then I realized.

It took me five minutes to tell her that is not what I meant and I kind of left out a very important part of the sentence. . . uhg.

Now, I keep going back over it and every time I think about the whole progression it makes me feel sick.

‘Are We All Bigots?’

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2015/04/29/watch-clip-of-are-we-all-bigots-episode-of-morgan-freemans-through-the-wormhole?mod=e2fb

Yeah, pretty much.

Anniversary

Today this blahg was 9 years old.

Starts with “The Casualties“

Wean Yourself by Rumi

Wean Yourself by Rumi

Little by little, wean yourself.


This is the gist of what I have to say.

From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,


move to an infant drinking milk,


to a child on solid food,


to a searcher after wisdom,


to a hunter of more invisible game.

Think how it is to have a conversation with an embryo.


You might say, "The world outside is vast and intricate.


There are wheatfields and mountain passes,


and orchards in bloom.

At night there are millions of galaxies, 

and in sunlight
the beauty of friends dancing at a wedding."

You ask the embryo why he, or she, 

stays cooped up
 in the dark with eyes closed.

Listen to the answer.



There is no "other world."


I only know what I've experienced.


You must be hallucinating.


The World Outside

The world outside was beautiful
A beautiful morning.
The start of a new day
People on their way to work
A blue sky
and the light pastel greens of spring

All this

While inside my world was collapsing

This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.
Think how it is to have a conversation with an embryo.
You might say, “The world outside is vast and intricate.
There are wheatfields and mountain passes,
and orchards in bloom.
At night there are millions of galaxies,
and in sunlight
the beauty of friends dancing at a wedding.”

You ask the embryo why he, or she,
stays cooped up
 in the dark with eyes closed.
Listen to the answer.
There is no “other world.”
I only know what I’ve experienced.

You must be hallucinating.

Friday – more thoughts

As usual I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety and want to act out.  Yeah, remember, we are coming up on 10 years here.  Not much has changed at least with these fucking obsessive compulsive thoughts.  I got plans in my head in place.  Top choices have been made. Oh God help me. . .  but not too much.  Like don’t cause my car to break down have my bank account be robbed or something awful like that.  Please help me see your will for me.

Like I said not much has changed.  If I were to tell Ronda what is going on in my head she would hate me and not allow me to see my kids. I hate what is going on in my head.  To be perfectly clear, “What is going on in my head” is nothing more than what goes on in any male’s head.  I have a track record of just not dealing well with it.  Still this falls in the bounds of normal behavior, not ideal but normal.  Never the less it’s a nightmare in my head.  I hate this.  I do not want that stuff in my head anymore.  Still, after all these years, the only way I know to be free of it is to do it.

I am still no closer to relief from the obsession.  Every once in a while I think I have an idea of what might be the cause and actually I may be right.  The problem is, is I think the cause is so hardwired into my being that having any type of impact on it is like filling up the ocean (any ocean really, say the pacific) on drop at a second.  I ran the math on this and to have any impact on my “hard wiring” would take  5.18102E+17 years  The Universe is 13.8 billion years old.  So I could possibly have an impact on this in about 37 million, 543 thousand, 608.45 Universe ages from now.  Okay, the time is incomprehensible.  The closest I’ve come at the problem is that this obsession and compulsion is a way to deal with my shame and anxiety and trying to rewire myself to get that shame and anxiety into some type of manageable level, a level where by I don’t cope with it by eating, sexing, drinking, or spending seems somewhat daunting.

At this point, I have no choice but to bring in this thing called a higher power or what some people call God.  A God that loves me.   Uh. . . Yeah. . . Okay. . . This might be somewhat more doable than the time necessary to get rid of my shame and anxiety.

I’m still really fucking scared. . .

.

.

.

of everything.

thoughts on a Thursday morning. . . . .

And if I am not worrying, am enjoying life, am content. . .  and forget to worry, the hammer will drop when I least suspect there by inflicting the maximum amount of damage.

Wear your inside out.

#Hipness and #Multiculturalism

I am not a really hip dude anymore.  I  must hand it to the politically liberal factions of the world that they have being "hip" pretty much sown up.  There is no doubt that when it comes down to being hip they own it.  I mean the conservatives have always been and are totally square man.  When ever they try to come off as "hip" they end up just looking like posers.  It's quite pathetic actually.

Now that we have elected a black president and are on board with gay marriage the world is becoming a much more hip place.  Gay marriage I think is okay. It really is.  I think people are more concerned about it when it comes to money.   Meaning that I can now put my friend on my insurance and so on and so forth.  I mean that is only my guess as to why anybody would really object other than if they are mentally handicapped due to religion - but I digress.

Other hip things might be the Affordable Health Care act.  I think one of the most hippest things was when #Bill_Maher called #Sarah_Palin a #cunt on national TV!  So #hip man!!! I mean he is one hip motherfucker what woman would not want to be called a cunt by Bill -that hip motherfucker- Maher. I mean all the women I know love to hear that word and thought that had to be one of the hippest things they'd ever experienced - as oppose to say, Rush Limbaugh calling some chic a "slut" on the radio.  I mean imagine that, "slut"  that was just heinous.  It's #Bill_Maher, #cunt, on the TV all the way baby!!!

But one of the most hippest things is multiculturalism.  For instance, take the Pakistani men in Rotherham England.  Now these guys are good #Muslim #Islamic dudes doin' what good Muslim/Islamic dudes do which is rape young children.  I mean, as John Candy said in Stripes, "It's regulation."   They were in Italy and the guy that had the top bunk had to make the bottom bunk guy's bed:

Dewey Oxberger:  What are you doing?  No, no... get off.  Get off.  See... you gotta make my bunk.  See, we're in Italy.  The guy on the top bunk, he's gotta make the guy on the bottom's bunk... he's gotta make his bed, all the time.  See, it's in the regulations.  See, if we were in Germany, I'd have to make yours.  But we're in Italy, so you gotta make mine.  [shrugs his shoulders] Regulations.

Same reasoning here. It's simply their culture to rape little children and so on and so forth.

Now, see, I am a parent.  I think for a lot of good and true dutiful liberal "doo bees" (DLDB's) it is important to honor others' cultures.  Hell, I don't know maybe the DLDB's offer their children to go get raped and fucked up the ass.  I mean just think of those wonderful nostalgic memories little Susie will have looking back 30 years from now. . .  "Boy, Mohammad had a really big dick. It kind of hurt and made me bleed. . . And when he defecated. . uh I mean shit and pissed on my face that was. . . well. ."

However, I am guessing and man I am really shootin' from the hip on this one. (uh, . . . I said "hip") that it's probably not that great of an experience for a. . .  well anybody really.  Although there are adults that get into this kind of thing.  So, yeah, we don't want to offend the Pakistani Muslims because well it's just not hip.

I am so totally not hip here.  You guys, yeah well you have that happen to your children.  Of course I know a lot of you guys don't have children and could give a fuck less about other peoples children - "Hey, their young, they'll get over it." But for me, I do not want that happening to my kids.

What is really going on here is that these guys are mentally fucked in the head and they are probably acting out the same horrors that were done to them.  They could, but maybe not, be using religion to sanctify such acts.  Are these behaviors tenets of Islam?  I don't know.  The deal is, is that these guys were allowed to do this because people were afraid of not being viewed as tolerant or maybe they were afraid of being viewed as "racist." who the fuck knows.  The fact is, is that it was "NOT COOL" to make the allegations about these men which were later proven true for 13 years and 1400 children.  I hope that one day, especially for the children of the hipsters, that the raping of children becomes un-hip.  I think I will just be happy not being hip.  I think my kids will appreciate that.

He looked at the pages this morning.  He was surprised at what happened or rather what did not happen.  Actually he was shocked.  The pictures did absolutely nothing for him.  The first ones he saw were just thumbs of naked women.  He opened one of them up.  She had a cute face he thought but the rest of her features were average from the man's point of view.  As he looked at her he realized he could have been looking at a picture of a plant, say, a tree or a mountain.  There was nothing there; no excitement, no tingly sensation in the groin; nothing.

What came out of his entire being at that moment was, "Yeah, . . . So?"  He went back to the thumbs and saw more action oriented images. They did nothing for him.  It did not interest him in the slightest so much so that there was no compulsion to investigate the matter further.  He closed the browser and that was it.

A couple of hours later he went back.  He then noticed the pang of excitement, he noticed a shortness of breath and increased heart rate and yes the slight tingle in the groin. It was there. It may have been gone this morning but now it was back. How disappointing.

#Cancer

If anyone were to watch me they would notice that when I get into work in the morning the first thing I do is make an americano with four shots of espresso.  Then at somepoint they would see me go to the vending machine and get a strawberry poptart, that is, if the vending machine has them.  During the morning they would observe me take two extra strength walgreens head ache relief quick gel caps with acetaminophen, aspirin, and caffeine and three softgel Ibuprofens.  Occasionally one might witness me going to the wash sink near the coffee maker to and drink a 12oz environmentally sustainable disposable insulated cup of water.

I think my wife is dying and I don't know what to do.  It is extremely dark inside my head.

Trip to Ohio

And I wonder why I am so fucked up.

My Dad hoards.  It seems to be very much like an addiction.

Well, all I know is he goes to two Goodwill stores everyday and buys shit.  Like old tupperware containers, knives, lamps, radios, tape recorders, boxes, serving trays, sewing machines, etc.  On and on the list goes.  My dad's house is filled up with this shit.  It's fucking crazy.

My aunt and he kind of had it out while he was there.  I kinda watched.  It sucked.

The real problem started when in early December a valve failed in the lavatory upstairs at his house in northern Ohio.  He was down at his house on the Ohio River and water soaked the upstairs unabated.  It soaked the upstairs until the drywall ceiling became water logged.  The ceiling fell in and the massive amount of stuff, lamps, papers, containers (most of which were empty), tools, furniture, etc. got completely soaked.  The water actually went through to the basement where it collected until he got home and found about a foot of water.

December 8th 2011

Ok, so I have just come through three and a half horrible months.  Starting December 8th of 2011, 11 days after my last post, my girlfriend and I discovered her cancer had been growing in her for the last 5 months.  Actually it was probably growing longer than that.

In July, after a very severe sneeze, she experience a horrible pain in the fourth rib down on her right side.  This had happened to her before so she didn't think to much about it other than she started going seeing a massage therapist.  The therapist relieved some of the pain but in one session when he got a little to aggressive and ended up causing her more pain.  He then referred her to a chiropractor that does "craniosacral therapy."  (whatever that is)  She went to the chiropractor and he was able to relieve her pain quite a bit.

During this period her pain was so great that she could only sit for 15 to 20 minutes at a time.  She either had to be standing up or lying down.  When she would lie down she had to lie down in a particular way otherwise the pain would be really bad.  By October the chiropractor had almost eliminated the pain.  She was hiking and walking as if there was nothing wrong all the way up to December 8th.  In fact, the weekend after December 8th she was shoveling snow.

On December 8th she got a call about an x-ray that turned up positive for "something" in her lungs.  That following Monday she had a CAT scan which showed not only "nodules" in her lungs but some abnormalities with her ribs.  From this they ordered an MRI, Bone Scan, Biopsy and a PET Scan.  That Friday 8 days after the initial contact we were at the hospital getting the biopsy which ultimately determined that is was in fact cancer.  I had scheduled a trip back to Ohio for Christmas.  I cut the trip short to come back to go to the oncologist with her on December 28th.

The trip to Ohio turned out to be quite terrifying.  This was truly shaping up to be one of the worst Christmases I have ever lived through.

Birthday.

Two things I heard yesterday are, If you don't want recovery you won't get it.  The other thing was.  .  .  .  I forget.  .  .

Just got done having a meeting with one of my sponcees.  We meet every Sunday morning at Denny's.  Both he  and I have come to really enjoy meeting.  I mean there is nothing like having coffee and the senior waffle slam and really good conversation.  I have to admit that the conversation is better than many of the conversations that my girl friend and I have.  Of course my girl friend and I are together a lot where as my sponcee and I meet maybe two to three times a month.  So I probably have more conversations with my girl friend that are good.  .  . Well, hopefully you get the point.  I am digressing.

In between the last paragraph and this one, I went to that bad place.  I  am back now which is why I am writing this paragraph.  This dis-ease knows no limits.

Today is my birthday.  It started out with what was probably addictive sex with my girl friend.  She was able to orgasm rather quickly, I on the other hand took some time.  Usually I just quit after it starts taking too long.   Okay, yes I know this is too much information but she got her-gasm;  I wanted my-gasm.  And because it was my birthday I did not stop until I got my-gasm.  We both acknowledged it.  This is actually the way my ex and I always had sex.  We would work on me until I got my-gasm.  Anyway it wasn't very satisfying.  Unfortunately what I did between paragraphs two and three was more satisfying.  Boy, I gotta tell you life really sucks right about now.  This, by the way, just in case you were curious, is not recovery.

Well, I should probably get my shirt tucked in and my fly zipped back up.

There, that's better.  Boy this is going to be next to impossible to read.  In fact, I don't think I will ever get back to reading this again.

The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it.  This is such a precise statement of my condition.  I do it and then afterward there is this feeling of relief; a feeling of well being.  I actually have a feeling of well being after I do this thing.

On top of all this right now as I speak my girl friend's son who is eighteen is adding his own brand of drama to this.  I guess he feels obligated to be here on my birthday.  Either that or he just wants to go out to a restaurant where somebody else will be picking up the tab.  I would be very surprised if he actually ends up paying for any of my lunch.  That is what were supposed to do today; go out to lunch, comeback, and have kind of a little party with chocolate cake.

Anyway her son says he wants to come over from his dad's to have lunch with my girlfriend, her other son, and me.  He also needs to be somewhere else and it looks like this lunch/party is going to interfere with those plans.  Typically when stuff like this happens he starts getting all pissy.  So one scenario is that he will come out with us and his did is going to come over to the restaurant and pick him up.

This would be spec-fucking-tackular.  Sitting there at my birthday lunch and having my girlfriend's ex-husband walk in to pick up her son.  I won't really go into it but to give you a flavor for the relations she has with her ex, she has had to put a restraining order on him from any type of oral communication let.  So they only communicate by e-mail.  Further, because his language is so abusive in the e-mails, she has all of his e-mails forwarded to her cousin in New York City so that she can filter out the abusive/triggering language and relate only essential information.  So having him come in on my birthday lunch would just totally suck.  I mean it is my fucking birthday.

The next thing is him and his pissy behavior.  In the words of the great Wayne  B. he does not suffer well, and he does not suffer alone!  His mood dominates the atmosphere.  I mean it takes over.  It is like standing around high tension wires where you can hear the buzz of electricity and you are just waiting for the lightning to strike.  This is what I grew up with.  I am very sensitive to it and I will be god fucking damned if I will put up with it on my birthday.

It is bad enough that I am turning 48.  I am beyond the half way point in my life.  I am having a hard time seeing, my teeth hurt,  I am growing old.  The next two days at work are going to be stressful.  And, he has to come in and fuck it all up.  Yeah, Yeah, I know he can only fuck it up if I allow him to.   Unfortunately, my brain is predisposed to allowing him to.

We are going to Cocos.  I want to have t-bone steak which is a major no no in my girlfriend's house hold.  So I will have a t-bone steak at the restaurant.  She made a chocolate cake for me which we are going to have when we get back from the restaurant.  She put it in the oven and went to take a shower that was between paragraphs two and three.  She got done with her shower just as the timer was going off for the cake.  Her son called her up and asked if he could be picked up earlier because he has plans; the plans I referred to earlier.  So it looks to me like he is on a time table which puts my birthday on a time table.  I so fucking wish he wasn't coming.  I have half a mind to just leave and be by myself today.

Yesterday, as I was editing the previous post, I went there - to that place.  You know the place I go - the bad place.  I went, as I always do, just to have a peek.  Something different happened this time and I think God came in on this one.  This has actually happened before.  What happened was that I felt an incredible sense of repulsion about what I was doing.  So I left. I went back to editing the post but then the compulsion returned and I went back to that bad place.

I went back but could not do it.  The repulsive feeling displaced the pleasure I normally get out of such an activity. Okay God, I guess that's what I'm talking about when I am asking for you to remove the obsession.  I mean we aren't talking rocket science here!

Okay, Okayo kayo kay, I'm sorry,  I am sure there is probably more to it than I can see.  I guess when the obsession is lifted or when the pleasure I get out of it is removed - then what?  I imagine I am left with the underlying feelings which I do not want to or can not deal with.

Life carries on in the people I meet.

in everyone that's out on the street

in all the dogs and cats

in the flies and rats

in rod and rust

in the ashes and the dust 

It's hard to move on - still loving what's gone.

Flim, Avril 14th, Alberto Balsam, and On were right before Wendy.  I was living in Kachina at the time.  I forget the guy's name.  It was Owain,  he turned me on to Aphex Twin.

She (Ronda) stepped through the portal before me.  She was in the process of stepping through or rather it looked like she was in the process stepping through, when I jumped.  I jumped on November 22, 2005.  To be honest, I don't know if she ever jumped.  In actuality, I only saw her preparing to step through; I never actually saw her take that step.

Unwittingly I had jumped over the edge,  stepped off the cliff, walked through the portal, whatever you want to call it.  I say unwittingly because I didn't know I was doing it at the time.  I think from the view point of an "on looker" it looked like a man going crazy, having a  nervous breakdown, or loosing touch with reality.  As I look back on it now, I was having one massive temper tantrum.  When a two year old has a temper tantrum, it is usually in a crib or high chair.  There is a lot of noise, food may be thrown, dishes flung across the kitchen and most likely the dishes are plastic and the cup is of the "sippy" variety.  When a 41 going on 42 year old man throws a temper tantrum it's an entirely different animal altogether.  Lots of people can end up dead.  We read about it in the papers, see it on the evening news; it happens frequently.  Certainly my temper tantrum endangered me and without thinking it endangered the lives of my three children.  As result, I spent almost 48 hours in a psychiatric hospital.  I went in throwing the most massive temper tantrum of my life; I left with a determination I had not experienced since my first days in college when I was afraid of failing out.

Over and over, the first four minutes of side one of Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield and the words Constancy of Purpose.  I would set out every morning to go to work and set the disk back to the beginning of track one.  Every four minutes.  When it got to four minutes without even looking or thinking my finger would automatically go to the CD player and press the back arrow button.  Constancy of purpose!  I've got to get this.  I've got to get this down.  Come on Andy.  Lets get this down! .  .  . Now!

All the way into work.  Constancy of purpose and every four minutes, back arrow button on the CD player.  You have got to change!  You have got to change!  Go to the fucking meetings.  Just go to the Goddamn meetings!  Anything not to think about how fucking,.  .  . how absolutely fucking alone I was!

Work was nothing more than a place to go to occupy my mind for eight or so miserable fucking hours.  Anything to take my mind off the pain of being so fucking all alone!  Just look straight ahead and keep moving.  Find every resource you can.

At work I had detailing to do.  That is I had to make the working drawings for the machined parts for the piece of equipment I was designing at the time.  I remember listening to the song "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel during this time.  Once again, repetitively, but not from the beginning.  I would listen to it once all the way through and then when the song was just about to end I would listen to it from 4 minutes and 45 seconds to the end.

Life carries on

in the people i meet

in everyone that's out on the street

in all the dogs and cats

in the flies and rats

in the rot and the rust

in the ashes and the dust

life carries on and on and on and on

life carries on and on and on

it’s just the car that we ride in

the home we reside in

the face that we hide in

the way we are tied in

life carries on and on and on and on

life carries on and on and on

did i dream this belief?

or did i believe this dream?

now i can find relief

i grieve

I did grieve.

I did detail drawings for about four weeks from November 28th right on through Christmas.  This was fairly mindless work.  Compared to design work it did not require a whole lot of thought so I could bury myself in music while working.  As long as the music was on and I was detailing nothing could get into my mind yet at the same time the music allowed me to feel what was going on.  The music, "I Grieve" expressed the incredible loss I was going through at the time.

All is well for the most part.  My blood pressure has been creeping up over the years and it is probably getting time to do something about it.  I have been riding my bike into work (about a 10 mile ride one way). This does not seem to be helping though.  I think I am going to have to start taking a pill for it. My mom had a problem with high blood pressure so I am kind of sensitive to it.

I had a cornea transplant in 2005 and for some reason it is starting to reject.  Actually, I know the reason.  I was supposed to be putting a drop of anti-rejection stuff (Pred Forte) in my eye once every other week. I kinda forgot for about 3 years.  So I am putting the drops back in and some other stuff and it appears to be on the mend.  I just can't use a contact in that eye for a while. Doing something as trite as putting one eyedrop in once everyother week takes more discipline than one would think.

The kids are doing great.  Alex is a skateboard fanatic and is becoming a guitar fanatic as well.  He is playing songs I wished I could play at his age.  He is not bashful about singing either which I think is really cool.  Adam, is collecting scrap metal and selling it to the scrap metal dealer down in Denver.  All the kids kind of follow what Alex does so Adam went out and bought an electric guitar and amp.  He told me, "Yeah, I had some extra money I did not know what to do with so I bought a guitar and amplifier this weekend."  Rodney is in third grade and is doing well.  He follows what his brothers do so I don't really have any interesting stories here but he is very concerned that I live near "volcanoes" and wants me to vacate the area as soon as I can.  Flagstaff is located in what was a highly volcanic area about a thousand years ago.  I told him the volcanoes were not active.  This piece of information did not have any impact.

Going to a highschool football game

Going out meant you had to be on.  Everybody would be there with something funny and whitty to say.  I was never that person - the funny quick and whitty one.  I was never a "popular guy."  These issues seem to be coming up in my group therapy.

Oh, did I tell you I am back in group therapy.  yeppers.  Anyway that is a topic for another entry.

10 true things

I woke up this morning and really wanted sex.

I met with my sponsee at Denny's this morning.
It was a good talk.
I told him about my indiscretions of yesterday.
The indiscretions of yesterday scare me. They are warning signs.

The dis - ease is less today so I deleted what was here.

Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today

It was three years ago today Carrie asked if we could be "more than just friends."  We had just got done watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."  I sat in the rocker and she sat on the couch.  It was something we decided to do as friends.  I had come over to do landscaping in the front yard. We were going to watch the movie and then I was going to do the landscaping.

However, after the movie was over she said there was something she needed to tell me.  I thought she was going to tell me that we shouldn't be watching a movie together like this and I should get out there and do the landscaping and in fact I don't even think it is a good idea that you are doing the landscaping.  I want you to leave and I do not want to see you at the Saturday night meeting anymore.

I actually tried to preempt her and tell her that, "Yeah I know I need to be out there doing the landscaping this was nice and everything but I'll go now.  There was a lot more that I said but she kind of cut me off and said, "I probably shouldn't be asking you this and I know I am breaking the rules but would you be interested in being more than just friends."  At the time, we were and still are attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  We both had been attending the meeting for four years and three days - but who was counting.  In the opening it says, "This is not a place to meet sexual or emotional partners."  When she asked me if I wanted to be more than just friends she was prepared to give up the meeting.  It turns out her birthday is also on the 14th of September.

I was dumbfounded.  The idea of her and I being in a relationship was taboo.  In fact, I wouldn't even acknowledge that I was attracted to her.  I don't refer to her in this blog until a year after we have been together.   The notion just seemed so far out of reach it was ludicrous.  It was about a year prior to us getting together that I did start acknowledgeing to friends that I kind of had a crush on her.  That was probably in the fall of 2007.  I wasn't really writing much in this blog.  My last entry was in Oct of 2007 I think.  I only put in eleven entries in 2008 the last one being in June which was two and half months before the "big day."

I had been on match dot com and oh God did that ever suck.  I just couldn't see my way to being with any of the women on there.  I talked with a couple prospects over the phone, set up times to meet, but  both canceled at the last minute.  I was grateful.  I always kept coming back to Carrie - the woman that was off limits.  I would talk to Frank about her.  I would talk with Jay about her and I would talk with JD about her.

During the fall of 2007 she was working down south and there was this guy that was making "lots" of appointments.  Carrie is an NP by the way.  This guy became known as "Alaska Guy" because he lived in Alaska at various times during the year.  He made a number of overtures to her, would bring in baked goods for her and the staff and finally asked her out on a date I think.  Carrie told him that she would have to "not see him professionally" for at least six months before she would consider going out with him.  He did this and on the first day after the six month wait he called her.  There was some kind of wierd interaction and Carrie called me about this interaction to see how she should interperet it.  This would have been around May of '07.  This also would have been my oportune time to say, "You need to get away from this guy!  He is bad news!  You should spend more time with me!" and so on and so forth.  Instead I told her that the behavior was, in fact, wierd but he may be just trying to save face or something like that.  I did not try to interfere.  What I thought would happen would be that she would get into a relationship with this "Alaska Guy" and then every Saturday night I would have to hear about her trials and tribulations of the relationship with the "Alaska Guy."  

Also at the same time another person, Terrie, in the "Saturday night" group was getting hot and heavy into a relationship and that relationship was becoming quite addictive.  Actually, around the time of  "Alaska Guy" it became addictive enough that Terrie was only making a meeting about once every other month or so.  There were four of us in the Saturday night group, Peter, Terrie, Carrie, and me.  Peter was coming maybe once a month around this time.  So by the summer of 2008 it was just Carrie and me going out afterwards.  The "Saturday night" after the meeting group was becoming less of a group.

It was in May of 2008 that it finally happened where both Peter and Terrie dropped out enough that it left only Carrie and I.  Terrie showed up for the meeting that evening and said she would be leaving half way through because she had some sort of  "spiritual stuff" to do.  I knew exactly what kind of "spiritual stuff" was going on.  To be honest, I think I really did give her the benefit of the doubt but she later came clean and validated my suspicions.  I mean come on!  We are in SLAA and she's getting more and more into this relationship.  Apparently the act of sex when practiced by more enlightened people is "spiritual."  It later turned out that Terrie basically gave up her soul for this "spiritual zen master" who in my opinion knew nothing of Zen.   Okay, I am digressing.  So I knew it was just Carrie and me and came to the realization that I would just go home after the meeting.  But right after Terrie announced she had to leave to go have se.  .  . uh I mean  for her Spiritual EXperience, Carrie asked if I still wanted to go out afterwards.  I said very disinterestedly,  "Yeah, sure I guess - didn't really have anything else going on."  I think I just said, "Okay."  I was kind of giddy.

We went out afterwards.  As we sat down the first words out of my mouth were, "Wow, this feels kind of like a date."  I had no idea what we would talk about and I sort of couldn't wait to get the whole thing over with for fear of the "long awkward silence."  I don't really remember what we talked about but must of managed to come up with something.  Because we found ourselves alone after the meeting a number of times after that.  In fact, we started calling each other in advance to see if the other would be there and available to go out afterwards.

One of the things we talked about was me doing the landscaping which I finally started around July of 2008. I remember going to the Landscape Connection to pick out rock to lay down.  I remember she got a trash bin out front that I raked up all the bark and wood chips that were laid down.  And finally I started spreading the ground cover and laying down the rock.  Which then led up to September 14th of 2008 when she asked if I wanted to be more than just friends.  After a lot of stammering and yammering I finally said, "The answer to that question would be yes."  We then consummated the newly proclaimed "coupledom" with a hug.  A kiss would come two weeks later on a trip to Jerome.

I left her house and went back to Kachina where I was living and told my roommate.  I couldn't believe what  had just happened. I took a shower and then drove back into town for the 6:00 pm meeting at the Quaker meeting house.  Just past the I-40 interchange I took the picture shown at the beginning of this post.  That is how our relationship started.

There is so much more to the story.

 

Gray Day on the Hill

It is a gray day on the hill.  It has been cloudy and rainy for about the last 6 or so days and it is starting to get to me.  I can't really ride my bike.  It kinda sucks.

Okay, how about this.

It was a gray day on the hill, which is a reference the locals use to point out that they live on the highest swell of land in the state.  It is a point of fact that the area is remnants of a super volcano that blew its top similar to Mt St Helens did in the 80's.  The "blowing" took place about a hundred thousand years ago.   The other part about "hill" is that it is around 6000 feet higher than the lowest part of the state which makes it significantly cooler.  While temperatures down in the valley sore to 110 plus degrees, temperatures on the hill might only make it to the mid-seventies.  So it was on this day that it was 103 degrees in the valley and it only made it to 68 up on the hill.  However, it appeared to be gray all over the state.

The day started out with a bang, literally.  Okay, lots of bangs and bright flashes of light.  It all seemed to sound good until he realized that he would not be able to ride his bike into work.  It felt good to sleep in but I wouldn't be able to ride my bike.

Decision

The decision was made to stay here and not go back.  The decision was made on Sunday - two days ago.  This morning I was at my sponsor's house and I got the call for the offer.  I was able to kind of preempt him and tell him that I would not be able to accept any offer and that was it.  It is done.  After seven years I think I finally made the commitment to move to Flagstaff.

This ends roughly seven weeks of agonizing about what I should do.  It was an incredibly hard decision.  It was the most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life.  I wish I could put together the words that could describe how difficult and painful it was but I can't.  I am just not that good with words as you can see from this blog.

Note to self:

Don't make the decision out of fear

Don't make the decision out of fear my sponsee said.  "Know that God will take care of you."  This coming from a guy I am sponsoring.  I should be saying this to him.  Well, the fact of the matter is neither of us are fully committed to the "Know that God will take care of you." thing.  It has just been both of ours experience. We have had experience with God taking care of us.

So he said this to me at breakfast this morning.  I wanted to remember it so I wrote it down on my hand.

I really do not want to move away from Flag Town.  I am completely torn.  I feel like I should move to be with my kids.  The decision is coming up and I will be going through several days of pure hell.

Looking down both roads

and wondering which way to go.  A major cross roads is at hand.  It's been coming and uh coming. It is so anticlimactic!

No matter which decision I make I am going to piss off a number of people.  There is no doubt, I will feel emotional pain.  I could be saying good bye to what I know is a really good job.  I could be saying good bye to the opportunity to be with my kids as they grow up.

See you can't say this stuff on facebook.  Its all just a bunch of fluff.  Superficial shit.  "Oh look at me!  look at how good my life is!  Look at all the wonderful things happening to me!  Look at me my hair is purple now!!!"

"Oh, your purple hair makes me so wet!  Can I be next in line to fuck you!"

"Okay, after I fuck my ex-girlfriend.  She doesn't know about this so we'll have to keep it on the down low."

"That's okay . .  .

I am off the rails.  Anything not to look at the cross roads.  Anything!

Look at it.  Look at it.  don't fear

Facebook

Facebook makes me feel like such a looser.   I have like 23 friends.  All of those friends have like at least four hundred friends. All of them are telling each other how good everybody else looks with sexual innuendo.  What the fuck!  And one of my friends who just became single is fucking a different woman every night.  I finally had to tell him to stop telling me about it.  He fucks his ex every third or fourth fuck.  I know.  I know.  I am using "fuck" way too much.  Sorry.  But nobody is reading this anyway.  That's really okay.  I have to remember that this is for me.  All the crazy jumblings in my head.

Sounds like someone is a little jealous and bitter.

Yeah, well fuck you.  You're right.  I am jealous that all his little girl friends on facebook are fawning over him.  I have to admit that.  But the other thing I know, and this probably sounds like sour grapes, is that he is living a tormented life.  (I was going to say "fucked up life")  He is where I was 5 to 6 years ago.  And I have to say getting purple hair is far better than going 40 thousand dollars into debt - which is what I did.  But then again he is still having sex with the ex and I am betting that they will be getting back together again.  And why am I obsessing on it so much. . .

Facebook is a total ego junkie orgy.

I lived in my ego and got blown away.

More on the winds of change

I have a decision coming up to stay or to go and I do not know what I will do.  I am sitting here trying to make a decision without all the information.  I mean I have not gotten the "offer." yet.  I am expecting it will come tomorrow.  It would be great if they would decide for me as in, "We've decided not to extend you an offer."  That would really feel like rejection but I would get it.

Making the decision means letting go of something.  Making the decision means making a choice and whatever I choose means I am not choosing the other thing.  It means I will be loosing something.

I honestly did not think it would come to this!

I am so fucking tired.  I had to leave work early today just to come home to sleep.

Oh God, please help me.

The Winds of Change and JD's winds of change

are a blowin'.  Change! What change.

I am contemplating a huge life change.  A move again - 700 miles back across the Rockies.  I can't think or concentrate on my work at hand.  This is why I am writing in this stupid fucking blog instead of doing my work.  God help me!

Dude, I wish my life change was as simple as coloring my hair purple.  Instead it is leaving all I have come to know in sobriety behind and going to a new place alone.  You say you are doing a "big" life change?  wooooo! whoooo!   Look the fuck out!   Gettin purple hair!  Sayin good bye to the girl friend accept for when you fuck her every couple of weeks or so sometimes its every couple of days .  To me, it only looks like the only thing that has changes is your purple hair.  You now have purple hair when you fuck her.

Change would be if you blocked her e-mail, phone, facebook and whatever the fuck else you contact her with. Change would be if you actually stopped communicating with her.  But alas, your ego needs satisfaction and when she runs after you it feels so fucking good!

Okay, I'm done.

Gone

Occasionally,  he would go back to where he last saw her but she was gone.

Although she wasn't there he could tell she would visit this place occasionally.  Everytime she was there she would leave a picture and everytime it was a different one.  She also left a message that read, "I hate life."

He didn't know why he would occasionally go back but really he knew and just did not want to admit it.  He had a thing for her.  For a period, of maybe four or five months, they walked through the wreckage together, wreckage that each of them seperately created.  Unfortunately just by the fact that they walked together they ended up adding to the firestorms and chaos that was already going on.

They had to split.

He thought he would visit the place one last time but deep down inside he knew he'd be back - back to the place that was once her rise above but had become just shits and digs.

Yeah, he'd be back.

Is it time yet?

He had been in out of the rain for a while.  The warmth of the fire felt good.  He had built something.   He had been away from the nightmare for five years now.  During that time he had built a shelter.  There was nothing palacial or elegent about it.  It was simple and at first it just kept the rain off his head and allowed him to get warm.

In the early days he was so grateful just to be out of the rain.  He had gotten some distance from the accident but yet he could still see the waxing and waining glow of the fires in the distant as the rain continued to fall.  The rain never stopped.  The yellow orange glow in the distance served as a constant reminder of the wreckage.  But after some time that glow that filled the night sky dimmed until one evening as he was snuggling under the covers he looked out and realized that not only had the rain stopped the there was not orange light reflecting off the clouds in the distance.

He had no idea how long it had been other than it seemed like years.  It took years for the fires to die down.  As he thought about it, there must have been a tremendous amount of fuel to keep them going all this time.  And indeed the amount of fuel was staggering and the fires had been going on for years unabated.

Even after the sky no longer flickered with golden yellow light the fires persisted and he knew this.  He knew they were still there just not strong enough to illuminate the night sky.  He could still smell.  He hadn't gotten quite far enough to escape the sickening smell.  He had set up what he thought would be a temporary shelter.  He vowed he would stay just for a few days and move on.  But he was tired and the days turned into weeks, the weeks to months and then the months collected themselves into two years.

One morning he woke up to a clear blue sky and realized he could not remember the last time he saw the brownish green haze or that "burn" smell.  He looked back in the direction from which he had traveled two years ago and wondered what was there.

At first it felt like he was being shocked in his stomach followed by slight nausea.  He didn't think too much about it at first but a month later it returned.  The feeling was more than a slight shock, now it was a hard tightening in his lower abdomen as if he was being punched in the gut in slow motion followed by a loss of breath.  He did not even realize he was not breathing.  The feeling started to return frequently.  It would happen at randomn times accept for Sunday's.  On Sunday, he could count on it.

He began to realize that this would come on everytime he looked back in the direction of the wreckage or even think about it.  And finally it occurred to him that didn't the night mare happen on a Sunday.

He had to leave.  Didn't he have any other choice?   He began to notice that he was rationalizing with himself everytime the queezy feeling and loss of breath would come on.  He was actually arguing with some one but did not know who.

"I mean there was nothing else I could do!  To stay there meant certain death!  Right?  The place wasn't safe.  I mean how long had the fires burned?"  He would think to himself everytime the feeling came on.  Just stay here and you'll be alright.  Deep down inside, he knew what this meant but only at an emotional level.  He couldn't actually enunciate in his head let alone out loud what he understood to be true at the gut level.

Let's take the boat out.

Wait until darkeness

Let's take the boat out

Wait until darkness comes.  .  .  .

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Looking down on empty streets

all she can see
are dreams all made solid
are dreams all made real.

This is kind of what I do for a living.  I design machinery.  It's nice and it is really nice when it works.  Alot of times it doesn't work (right off the bat)

All of those buildings
All of those cars
were once just dream in somebody's head

She pictures the broken glass she pictures the steam
she pictures a soul
with no leak at the seam.

Will I be back on the street? Mercy street that is.  .  .

If you're going through hell. . .

Keep going

I'm going through hell.  Once again.  The hell of it is. hmmm ha ha.   Okay, the hell of it is, is that I may have to make a decision that is going to change my life drastically - again.  This time I am trying to really think it through and it doesn't seem to be working.  Thinking for me never has really worked out.

I love this place that I have come to know as home.  I love the people I know here.  I mean I think I actually really love the people I know here.  How could this possibly happen any where else.  I can't even concieve of it.  This was some how special.  This place is some how special, unique, can not be duplicated.  (Am I being redundant?)

They say, "they" being my group and various friends say, "Go, you need to be with your kids!"  "They" don't really understand.  The drama continues.  I still haven't heard anything yet. . .

Pain

I don't seem to be able to write unless I am in a lot of pain.  Three posts in 2010.  No posts yet this year until this one.  I had to update some stuff on my server and it caused me to look at a blogging program offered by them.  I also saw Julie and Julia in which the main character writes a blog about Julia Childs.  It got me thinking about doing the blog some more.  So here I am.

In 2006 I did 164 entries.  I was in a lot of pain back then.  I would look at other peoples' blogs and see that their last entries were over a year old and wonder what the hell!  Why did they stop?  How could they stop blogging.  And now here I am haven't blogged in over a year.

Part of it is, is: "Who the hell cares?"  Who the hell cares what I have to say?  I did get an anonymous comment from someone who wrote that they were glad to see I was still writing.  This of course really appeals to my ego!  And this inspires me to write some more.  The comment was from my last post which I had done over a year ago.  The comment was left, I think July 17 of this year.

Today my life is much more boring.  I am much less pissed off about stuff - I mean much much less pissed off about stuff.  I am not in the pain of a divorce.  I am in a boring relationship.  This is a good thing.  On the relationship front boring is good!  We love and respect one another which makes for very low drama.

However, I have has some stuff come up in the last year that I could probably write about.  And I also have some stuff going on write now that might be interesting.  .  .

Kary's Story on CaringBridge.com

It was only one hour ago

It was all so different then
There's nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that you would tied in
Now there's no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
'so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks it's empty empty cage
And i can't handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people i meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did i believe this dream?
Now i can find relief
I grieve

I Grieve - Peter Gabriel

Toyota Prius stuck acceleration is a hoax!

It is a hoax.  Unless they can actually duplicate the problem there is no way anybody can prove the driver did not have his foot on the accelerator the whole time!  Just too coincidental folks!

This has got to be one of the greatest all time scams.  What about neutral.  Is it possible to put the car into neutral?  I bet we will start seeing accelerating Priuses all over the place!  Wish I'd thought of it!

The 11th or the 12th

For the record, Rodney's birthday is on the 12th.

Please don't forget it!!!!!

Laser Engraver

The laser engraver is back up and running.  I made the Star of David for Wendy and made one of the cards for Brian

What She Wants - ex wife

"Transparency."  She was always good with the buzzwords. Trans pairrrr ennn seee.

Okay, here is my side of the street.  And there is "my side of the street."  My side of the street is that I would say stuff to her like, "I will be unavailable for the next week."  when I would be going to Mexico.  "She said if your trying to spare my feelings, please don't. This is just annoying." Actually in this case I was not trying to spare her feelings. . . at all.  I have to admit that in the case of going to Mexico, I did this to make it a bit of a "mystery." (hush!, quiet!, don't let anybody know!") to make her wonder. "Hmmm? what's he up to?"    Of course all this did was make her pissed.

Does she actually not trust me.  I don't think so.  I think she is just pissed.  I think she does not trust me to act like an adult.  G-d I still have to admit that I still can not act like an adult.  Well maybe that is all I can do is act, but only sometimes.  I still have an incredibly hard time being an adult.  As I sit here and write this this truth is just being revealed to me. - and deeper in to the onion I go.

Meeting with the ex: child visitation

Think I got the ol H1N1.  I stayed home on Wednesday.  I feel worse this morning.

Yeah, I know.  Like who gives a fuck?  Well I guess I do.  I am starting to see the value of writing some of this stuff down in a journal type of thing.

I shared about fromshame2grace at last night's meeting.  There is a woman that comes to the meeting.  She will only be coming until December.   She had mixed feelings on the topic.  Others agreed with my anger towards most of the idots that commented on the news article.

Some one mentioned that I should put in a comment on that site to support him.  I actually attempted to register to be able to post but stopped the process at the last minute.  I was in too much anger and had too many hateful things to say.  Just like the guy that really pissed me off.  Each time I read it I get really pissed off.

Right now I am waiting to have a conference call with my ex and my therapist who will be the mediator about visitation with my children.  Visitation with my children is still very painful.  It really puts it front an center what I have lost, what could have been.  Everytime it is like walking back through the wreckage.  Although I haven't really done that yet.  Walking through the wreckage will be when I see Chris and Sara.  Okay, I am rambling.  However, when I do think of C and S I am filled with quite a sense of gratitude for where I am today.  There are no Chris and Sara's in my life.  I simply do not allow it.  I do not associate with people like that and will not.  This is something I do have control over and it does give me serenity.

Within Judgment lives the addiction

Remember when you point your finger at someone there are three more pointing right back at you.

Third post down by JoeBlow68

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/45389.html?plckFindCommentKey=CommentKey:137fe406-37ea-41a1-b687-cfdc3e843f16&pageNum=4&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&tab=story_tab_comments&mi_pluck_action=page_nav&tab=story_tab_comments

The post infuriated me.  Last night I wrote a lot on this and expressed my indignation.  From the 12 & 12 of AA it says:

"It is a spritual Axiom that everytime we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  But are there no exceptions to this rule?  What about "justifiable" anger?  If sombody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad?  Can't we be properly angry with self righteous folk?  For us of (place your 12 step recovery program here) these are dangerous exceptions.  We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we (place 12 step recovery program of your choice here)"

Most of the comments on that blog were judgmental not just against David but also against his wife Lisa.  These people are really pissed.  I have come to learn that when I am pissed at someone that has not done anything to me directly it is because I can see a little of them in me.  I was really angry with those people and I think it is because I can be just like them, just as judgmental.  In fact, had I not come into the program I would have added to the choir.  The fact that they are so angry with David and his wife does make me wonder what is going on in their lives.

I believe the universe gave me a shot at learning compassion just as it has with David.  I still have some learning to do.  So I keep coming back.

Consequences meant nothing

Within Pride lives the addiction.

The Building and the Dog

Neither the dog nor the building exist. Usually when I say where I went to school I say, "I did time at Ohio State." This was the front of Robinson Lab where I did a lot of time. It was home to the mechanical engineering department at OSU. In front of it, waiting for the bus, is my dog Gordie.

There were many times I would have given anything to watch them tear that building down. In fact, I would have helped. The last time I was in the building I think it was to look at grades on my last final or something like that.

I walked out of that building for the last time with my friend Colin who was the embodiment of Wayne from Wayne's World. Colin had long black hair like Wayne. He had the goofy smile and did that deal where he would flip his hair behind his shoulders and said stuff like, "Sphincter says what?" and he was from "Chicagoland". Colin was going to work for the "cron" as he put it, Cincinnati Milacron that is. I still had yet to land a job.

Anyway, as soon as the door shut behind us he ceremoniously turned around to face the building, bent down on his knees, raised both fists into the air and with middle fingers extended yelled obscenities at the building. Actually he yelled only two words and only one of those was an obscenity. The other was just a personal pronoun. It was a good obscenity though, you know, right at the top of the list and all.

Just like me he seemed to have had years of built up frustration and angst poised for the moment and this apparently was that moment. Me, I just stuffed it. Although it did take me four years before I would actually drive through Columbus as opposed to using the outer belt - even at 2 in the morning. I did well in college but I did not skate.

The "dog" Gordie is another story altogether. Gordie was kind of like Jimmy Neutron's mechanical canine, "Goddard." He was indomitable. Okay, it's too late and I can not pronounce the word so I guess that's all I have to share for now.

They both met on the trail. Actually she was already out there. He had yet to start. All the things in her life had burned down around her and she was shoveling her way out of the wreckage despite the fact others were working against her. She was in the process of trying to rebuild and it seemed as though everybody else around her was trying and in some cases successfully thwarting her efforts.

He saw her out there rebuilding but had no idea what it was all about. Actually she wasn't so much trying to rebuild as she was trying to gather all her belongings, get them organized and move on. As he heard her talk about her trials, he certainly didn't know it then but he would soon be going through the same thing.

Another milestone.

Stayed overnight with Wendy and her children for the first time on October 2nd 2009.

On friday afternoon Wendy told Leo and Sam about us, about our the deepening of our relationship.  Boy does that sound hokey or rather effusively or insincerely emotional.  Okay, now I gotta look up effusive: marked by the expression of great or excessive emotion or enthusiasm

She left a long time ago.  I mean it was years ago. From time to time he would remember her.  He still has all her pictures.  He put them in album.

At the time both of their lives were falling apart.  All they wanted was shelter.  They certainly couldn't find it in each other.  Although he wished they could.  She would have none of it of course.  He knew this so he didn't ask.

Back then it seemed like the ruins just kept going on forever as they walked through this hell of eternal smoke and smog.  Occasionally the air would clear and he would be able to make out her beautiful face.  So he kept the pictures he gave her.

The first time he looked back and she wasn't there he knew she had decided to head another direction.  He thought she probably just went back.  There was no going back for him though.  He was now on his way.  In fact he couldn't go back not even if had wanted.  All the roads had been washed away.  The buildings had been raised.  All that remained was ruins and he so desperately did not want to see the ruins.  Maybe some time but not now.  Just keep looking forward.

The memory seems persistent though.  Where did you go.  Where are you now.  Hope things are going well.  He did happen upon an artifact left by her which gave him hope however the artifact itself did not.  He discovered it about a year after she had left it.  All she said was "hahaha."  He knew she didn't leave it for him.  Must be for somebody else he thought.  The disturbing thing was that it all so said she hated her life.  As he ran his fingers over the marker all he hoped she was alright.  He hoped she found somebody. Somebody nice.  Somebody real.  Somebody that would treat her well.  He looked up at the sky and put his hand over his eyes to sheild them from the sun and realized that it was sunny now.  The mist that had seemed to persist for an eternity had lifted.  He carefully put the stones backdown where he had found them as if it were some kind of shrine.  He then left his own inscription from a song he heard thinking that if she comes back maybe she will find it.

You ask me where to begin

Am I so lost in my sin

You ask me where did I fall

Ill say I cant tell you when

But if my spirit is lost

How will I find what is near

Dont question Im not alone

Somehow Ill find my way home

 

Such a lovely creature, he thought.  He picked up his blue backpack, now almost 4 years old looked at the trail ahead and continued on.

The Journey Begins

And so on November 24th of 2005 my journey began.