Going to Yoga tonight and getting way ahead of myself!

Another important part of information about Marcia is,  She is unattached.

So a conversation with my kids, maybe just Alex might go like this.

Me: So, are things getting pretty serious with your mom and her boyfriend?

Alex:  Why?

Me: Well, things have kind of warmed up between your mom and me.  She seems willing to talk and listen about the events of ten years ago.  She seems to have recognized there has been a change in me - I mean for the better.

Alex:  I don't know, what do you mean serious?

Me:  Alex, you're seventeen freaking years old now.  Do I really need to explain serious.

Alex: Okay Dad this is getting weird.  Could we not talk about this?

Me: Come on you are almost an adult you can talk about such things

Me thinking:  Boy Andy this is so so totally not what a real adult would do.

Me: All I mean is, does it look like he will be moving in with you guys or like they might get married?  Are you seeing him a lot?  That kind of thing.

Alex: I don't know.  Why don't you ask one of my brothers.

Me:  I can't.  Okay, you are right. I shouldn't be asking you these questions.  I am sorry.   Yes, you are right.  I know.  It is like I am pumping you for information which puts you in a bad spot.  I am sorry.  I am acting like a 17 year old.  No! just kidding. (Alex is 17) I am acting like a 10 year old.  Seriously, I am.  What do I need to do to make it up to you.

Alex: Just stop talking about it.

Me: okay! uhg!  Boy I feel like a kid to my kids.  This sucks

Alex: What do you mean?

Me:  Well, I feel like you are the adult and I am the child now.  This feels very shameful and demoralizing.  Your mom never talks about her BF.  She will not even acknowledge that she has a "BF."  And it is "boy friend" by the way.  Just like Wendy was my girl friend.  So we are having these heart to heart talks about what has happened a little over 10 years ago and what has happened in the intervening time.  When we talk she usually starts crying because she is overwhelmed with emotion.  I think most of it is good emotion.  You know like she is crying because she is happy or she is crying because she is sad that we got divorced.

Alex: You want to get back together with her don't you.

Me:  Whoa, hold on there sport!  Not necessarily, If the thing isn't all that serious with "said BF" and all this is happening between me and her, then that opens the possibility.  And I am wondering if it has opened the possibility in her mind.  Or maybe it's not open at all.  May I am way off her radar.  I only show up on Sunday nights when I talk to her and that is absolutely fine.  However if it is true the possibility has been opened in her mind then I am open to consideration.  Consideration! that's all.

Alex: What about Wendy?  Aren't you guys still married.

Me:  Very good question!  I know you are thinking, "How could dad be thinking about getting back with mom after Wendy died!  What kind of a sick fuck is my dad?

Alex looks visibly shocked after hearing me say sick fuck

Me:  Yeah, that's right.  That's a good thought.  It is reasonable to think that.  The answer to that is I may very well be a "sick eff"  I won't repeat what I said before because I only said that for effect.  I think some of it is a "sick eff" anyways.  I think more of it is that I am living in a house that Wendy bought, that she invited me to move in with her and that I know sort of own and she's not here.  This is a horrible situation.  I am not saying that well because I am in this horrible situation that I need to get into another relationship as soon as possible because I deserve it.  Although that comes into it a little bit.  That's where I am a bit of a sick eff.  The 'ol I deserve it routine.  But to get out of that horrible feeling to deal with the reality that she is dead, not passed on. not not here anymore, not on a different spiritual plane, but dead, I go off into la la land thinking about, "Hey, what if Ronda and I were to get back together.  Hey, what if Marcia is interested in me.  Maybe we could get together.  Maybe we could go to Avila beach together.  and so on.  This is called fantasy.  It is healthy to some extent.  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I do not want to get into a relationship for another 10 to 12 months at least.

So here is why I am asking you these stupid questions.  I am asking these because there is the woman, my acupuncturist, Marcia, that is inviting me to do stuff with her.  I really like her.  We get along.  I make her laugh. She  makes me laugh and she is cute.  So the question is do I keep taking her up on her invites?  Do I invite her?  Do I become more attached to her.  This is what happened with Wendy and me 4 years before we actually got into a relationship.  Marcia looks like a woman I would like to travel through some if not the rest of my life with.

However, I have to be honest, if your mother is thinking, "Well maybe Andy and I could. . . ."  Then maybe, and it is only "maybe", I would rethink my interactions with Marcia.  This is why I am asking you what you think is going on with your mother and her BF.  In the absence of any information, I guess I will continue down the path with Marcia if it amounts to anything.  And I have to be honest, I am really hoping it amounts to something say in 10 to 12 months.

I guess the result of this conversation is I am not going to ask Alex or any of the other guys any questions regarding this.  Any information I get will come from Ronda if I get any at all.  If I get none then no big deal.  I will go to yoga tonight with Marcia.  I will hope to go to a movie with her and then go to another and another and so on.  I will see her when the appropriate opportunity arises and keep on assessing if a relationship between us would be in both our best interests.