Marcia

I read a post earlier today about some woman who wants to date again.  She says that she is going to date lots of different guys so she doesn't get fixated on one guy.  This is actually the healthy thing to do.  This of course is the thing I don't do.  I guess when I think about it I did go on match dot fucking com before Wendy and I dated.  I mean it was the craziness of match dot com that told me Wendy was pretty much "it."

Uh,

Yeah,

I am going to date. . . uhg.

No I'm not.

And yes, I am fixated on Marcia.  Mar See' Uh.

By the way, I have another blog I am writing now on what's going on with me with regard to me mentally after Wendy's passing.  I elude to the crazy thinking but don't write about it directly.  That's what this blog is for.

Last week we got a lot of snow.  For about two days I was wishing I was dead and contemplating suicide.  I really hope the fuck that Myra44 didn't do that.  Which is of course why even though I contemplated it, it's not even close to an option for me.  That's weird.  I just thought of that.  I mean I wouldn't want Myra to do it which impacts my thinking.

So I was in this funk on Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Thursday I go see Marcia.  I was looking forward to it of course.  I see Marcia for acupuncture.  I just thought about it but she reminds me of Wendy Wayman, a writing instructor who I was kind of infatuated with when I was a freshman in college.  As if you couldn't tell I pretty much suck at writing which is why I had to take remedial remedial writing during my freshman year of college.  She was my remedial remedial writing instructor.  She really actually liked what I wrote.  I got an A.  I also got A's in remedial writing, and writing 101 so suck it. Miss Rohr.  Miss Rohr gave me an F- (I shit you not, an F-) on my senior term paper in high school. (An F-, Really? Seriously?)  Oh yes, and I also got an A in technical writing my senior year in college  Once again, suck it Miss Rohr.  Hmmm Wendy Wayman, another Wendy in my life.

So Wendy Waymen had this bohemian kind of hippy thing but yet was sort of conservative meaning she dressed and carried herself conservatively.  I am not sure about her political beliefs.  Those don't matter I subscribe to none. I mean, I do have political beliefs but one can not label them one way or the other.

I said all that to say Marcia reminds me of Wendy Waymen or Wendy Wayman in that she has this bohemian hippy kind of thing about her which I find attractive.

"Geeze Floyd, your wife's been gone for what, one month and four days and your obsessing about another women.  Don't you think that is kind of sociopathic.  just sayin'." 

Yeah, I know,  I wonder about that but guess what?  It takes away me contemplating suicide.  It gives me hope that something else might be out there for me one day.  Not today mind you but one day. So fuck you.

By the way I have conversations with myself all the time.  That was just one of them.

So at the Acupuncture appointment a number of things happened.

1. I told her that coming to see her was the high light of my week right after I told her that Wendy and I attended the same meeting back in 2006 when my life was a shambles and that meeting was the high light of my week.   I now know why I said this.  I said this to give her some information.  The information being: I like seeing her.  Yes the acupuncture is okay.  She rubs my back and shoulders as she's doing it and it is heaven. But I also like seeing her. I actually do not see her physically because my face is usually in the face cradle with eyes closed or facing directly up at the ceiling with my eyes closed.  I do not look at the needles - ever!  I do see her before and after.  She is my age and is easy on the eyes.  I like being with her.  I hope she received that information.  The reason is that if she did and if she is savvy then she will either do one of two things - I think.  One is she will think to herself, he is in a vulnerable position and I do not want to make any advances where he might want "more" from me. Two is she will think to herself, I like him and would like to spend more time with him.  I care for him and his welfare and maybe, just maybe down the road we could spend more time together. . . There are all kinds of other options I know but. . 
2. I told her I had stopped knitting because I have no one to knit for.  She later said if there are any socks that Wendy wore that I knitted for her she would love to have them.  I told her I was in the process of knitting to pair.  I was almost finished with both of them and I would love to finish them for her - a little more information sent.   I think I will give her a pair that Wendy actually wore.  As I think about it she would like to have something from Wendy really.
3. She gave me a book she really liked.  The title is, "The People of the Book" It is about the Haggadah which I know to be read at the Jewish Seder.  It tells the story of the deliverance of the Jewish people to Israel.  She thought that since Wendy was Jewish, I might be interested in reading it
4. She invited me to go to restorative yoga with her and her "friend" Dean on Thursday's at 7.
5. She gave me all kinds of recipes and things to get at Natural Grocers to eat more healthy. 

Point here being, She talked to me a lot. Oh yes, and because of the snow, she called me using her cell phone to see if I was still planning on making the appointment.

Oh, I am just reading into everything now aren't I.  I know this is a set up.

However, if you look back in this blog you will see me write about Carrie.  This is back in 2006 and 2007.  Nothing ever came of it but it was a distraction and kept me from loosing hope.  It kind of kept my morale up.

I am actually going to that same meeting tonight.  It is Sunday night.  There is a young woman that attends.  Her name is Nicole.  I have caught her looking at me and from time to time out of the blue she has said, "Hi Floyd."  She wants me.  Just kidding. I am actually not conceited like that.  Although, I like to allow my mind to run with it a bit and have some fun which in actuality is what I am doing with Marcia.

It has been a rough day.  I have been reminded of Wendy.  Worse, I have been reminded that she is not here and I am tired of crying.  It actually gets painful after a while.  So for all you judgmental pricks out there, of which I AM ONE, Fuck you!

That's the way it is in my head Jan 10 2015