Beanie

It feels so hopeless.

Nov 29 9:29am

Hi Valerie, Hoping you're still wanting go for a walk on Sunday. Not sure about the weather but it rarely is an issue for me. We could do the same hike as last time or if you have another place in mind. . . Hope you are having a wonderful morning.

Nov 29 3:23pm

Andy,
I struggled with what was the “right” way to bring this to you. After giving myself some space to think about it i don’t feel comfortable going hiking this Sunday. I’m needing to shift gears from dating and go back to friendship. I’m in deep need of focusing on my program. I apologize for not coming to this realization before asking you out in the first place. I do still want to be friends and talk like we have been if you are still willing. And please know it’s not about my interest in you. In fact you are the only person I have dated since my marriage that has seemed safe, healthy and where it had potential to go anywhere. Unfortunately I just also happen to be aware of the fact that I am not safe, healthy or right in this moment.
Sincerely,
Valerie
P.S. I work Saturday so I’m hoping we will have time to maybe chat before the meeting

Nov 29 3:31pm

Valerie, I understand. I am still willing to talk when you want to of course. Thanks.

Nov 29 3:37pm

Thank you, Andy. That means a lot to me. I wanted to call or say it in person but even sending the txt had me in tears. Which is the same reason I decided going on the hike this weekend is not a good idea. I just came to this conclusion today.
I have been quite the emotional train wreck this past week and a half.

Nov 29 4:16pm

Sure, don't worry about the crying thing. I hope you don't feel so bad that you wouldn't want to talk to me at the meeting if there is time. It's okay.

Nov 29 3:51pm

No no. Just me and my disease imploding and over explaining everything. I’ll talk to you soon.

On this day in 2005

I returned from Colorado broken.  Not completely but enough.  I am actually sitting in the same room that I was sitting in on this day in 2005. . .

I Grieved and I still do.

I listened to the song above and the following two repeatedly. . . at work, in the car, at home, to get to sleep.  Tubular Bells and Love on a Real Train incessantly. .

At this time 12 years ago I was doing everything possible to hang on to what ever semblance of a mind I had left.

My Birthday

was yesterday.

missed connections

Kaki King's, "Bowen Island" is an instrumental played on a somewhat altered guitar. A thin piece of wood acting as a bridge/nut is placed on the 16th fret. It kind of gives her two guitars that sound like Japanese koto. The song is very relaxing and meditative. At 7:45 AM it lulls me in and out of sleep at the same time the wheels on the Airbus A320-200 heading to Columbus Ohio on which I am supposed to be are disappearing into the underbelly of the aircraft. I will not realize this for about another hour.

I could have sworn the itinerary said Monday, the 20th.

It couldn't miss.  The plan was sure fire.  Really, nothing could go wrong.  All it required was, at the very least, a partially functioning prefrontal cortex.

On 2017-11-15 3:56 pm Tara wrote:

On 2017-11-15 14:56, Tara wrote:

I would not invest hardly any emotional energy in someone who was dating around.  If I even decided to have a first date with such a person, it would be because I thought it would be fun and that I would be pretty sure not to get hung up on him.....or because I felt guided to do it. 

I have absolutely NO interest in being set up to compete with other women for someone. That situation is a TOTAL turnoff for me.  My attitude is that if someone I'm with is eyeing someone else, that woman can have him....immediately, my pleasure.  (This is pride, of course.  It's also theoretical, since I've never been with someone who was open about their dalliances.)  This is a little different from Valerie who was up front with you right away and is just dating rather than roving.

I guess she's not available for a relationship, and maybe she won't be for quite awhile.  Did she give you an idea on this?

She has two enticing things to offer, attractive and showed interest -- neither of which makes any difference in how good a partner someone will be.  Have you asked yourself what it is about her that makes you really want a relationship?  If it's just "could be my last and only chance," that doesn't say much.  Does she have anything more to offer than scores of other women have, besides having reached out to you?   I would think you'd be much better off focusing on how she does or doesn't meet your needs rather than what you are to her.  Maybe you don't even want to be dating someone who isn't available to get into a relationship in the near future.  

If the situation is making you less interested, then, yeah, either talk to her about it and/or back off.  I would think it would be good to talk to her about it, though.  Then if you guys decide not to continue dating you wouldn't be left with some uncomfortable ambiguity that ruins your Sat. mtg.  You could even tell her that you would be very interested in resuming if and when she's available to really consider being in a relationship if that's what you wanted.

I think it's really up to you, Andy.  She's having a wonderful time with different men who are paying her a lot of attention.  You are the one whose needs may not be getting met.  If this is really worth it, I wouldn't back off unless I told her that's what I'm going to do and why.  Maybe let her know if you would be interested in picking it up more again when she's ready to get into a relationship.  Or if you want to keep on going like you have been, maybe stop following her FB posts.

I'm concerned I'm getting the bad fatigue thing again.  This morning I spend TWO HOURS STRAIGHT pressing the snooze button, and then didn't do what I had scheduled.  I feel like I'm having a "slump life."  Nothing fun or exciting or much of anything at all.  I can't think about the abbey because it makes me stressed.  So, just in a slump.....or maybe just vegging for awhile after many decades of overworking and overstressing.  Nothing really feels hopeful -- not that I don't have a lot of things to be grateful for.  I'm not depressed or even very disturbed.  I guess it's good I'm scheduled to go to the abbey, because it's not like there's NOTHING on the horizon -- just nothing on the horizon for the next 7 weeks or that I can bear to think about after that..

Hope you feel better soon,

Tara

To Tara Nov 15, 2017 at 11:57 AM

On Wed, Nov 15, 2017 at 11:57 AM, to Tara

So she told me that she is allowing herself one date a week because she is taking care of herself.  That was at lunch on Monday.   So I am not going to ask her out again.  We have our date scheduled for when I get back.  So I sent her a text this morning - taking your advice about not backing off. I am Staying away from the phone as not to obsess.

However; (this is the oh fuck part)  She put up a gratitude list on FB this AM.  You can look at it on my time line maybe- not sure if you can see it.  Anyway the second item down is something like "Thank you Joe Grey for the hook up at the Orpheum tonight."  So I am wondering if you were in my shoes, would it be acceptable for the guy you are interested in to be dating other women?  I am feeling like I want to shut it down and go climb a mountain.

A couple of things - she didn't really mean it when she said one date a week although she might have met one date a week with each guy.  Joe Gray commented back about how happy he was to be on the gratitude list of someone so wonderful.  There is another guy too that commented something similar.

On our first "date"  She mentioned she was dating other guys.  She mentioned Joe in particular and said that he was a "normal" guy.  He was really nice and something else I cannot remember.  Of course I looked at his face book page and he is "the voice" of the Lumber Jacks.  He is extroverted, cool, smooth - all that shit that I am not.  I am sure my little endearing qualities fall short.  I told her I was an introvert.  She said that all the disastrous relationships she had been in have been with alcoholic introverts.  Not looking good.

Oh yeah, the something else was that he was emotionally available.  It's like me but better!

Fuck

Andy 

Valerie

Glad you had a good time yesterday.  She has to be careful with her words so she can feel like she's doing sober dating.  That doesn't mean she's lukewarm.  Whenever you invite her to connect, she does.

I wouldn't back off.  You like her and you like being with her.  You'd rather be spending more time with her than less.  If she's anything like other ACA's I know, it takes one unclear move and about two seconds to question whether the guy who has been saying how much he likes you has now changed his mind.  

In my experience, the percentage of men who decide to back off but are still just as interested as ever in forming a relationship = 0%.  My experience is with addicts/alcoholics using and not. Maybe normies aren't like that.  But if she's been conditioned anything like I have, sensing a man back off before a stable relationship has been established is a very clear sign that you'd better put your eggs in a different basket.   It evokes the immediate thought "Oh..I guess he's changed his mind and decided"...fill in the blank... (maybe he didn't enjoy me so much on the last date;  maybe he recently met someone else;   maybe I'm not available enough for him;   maybe he's comparing me unfavorably to his former partner, etc.).

I think most women LOVE the unflagging attention of a man they're interested in and that's what they've come to expect.  If I felt a man pulling back during courtship, I'd immediately drop him way down on my priority list...no matter how much he had previously convinced me that he's really interested in me OR how much I'd been interested in him.   There are two gifts you can give her which are really special:  1) Being yourself with all the endearing qualities and exceptional emotional honesty which are uniquely you... and 2) Being willing, as the man (I know it's not fair - but it's what women have come to expect...especially ones who have plenty of men interested in them), to risk putting your neck on the line again and again without cease to show her how important she is to you, even though that won't be reciprocated for a long time with anything other than her continuing to accept your invitations.

If you're worried about pressuring her you can ask her "Am I coming on too strong for you?  or Will you please let me know if you start feeling pressured by me?"

Disclaimer:  My advice comes only from observing the many men I've linked with over the years as well as what the other women I've known care about and think.  I have no business saying anything & you can discard my advice ...BUT...at your peril.

There.  I've frittered away another 20 mins. of a day of procrastination.  I'd better stop it soon, or I'll be mad at myself tonight.  Funny, Andy, I really want you to have a chance at a fulfilling relationship, even though I have grave doubts about whether or not I will ever have another.  Sometimes it's hard not to just fly back into Roy's arms.  But I made a commitment to myself, I guess, to just stay alone until I leave for Nova Scotia in 7 weeks.  Right now the bane of my life is doing the million things that need to be done before I leave.  Uugh.

L & L,

Tara

Asking Valerie if she wants to go to lunch.

Text to Valerie:

Hi Valerie, I was wondering if you would want to go to lunch some day this week before I leave town Friday. Since you bought the food after the comedy show, I’m buying. I totally understand if it doesn't work for you though. I hope you're having a good morning. Andy 

My back.

hurts.

Not sure what happened.  I stayed home today because of it.  I kept it on heat most of the day and I slept a lot and worried about tomorrow.  What happens tomorrow?  Probably nothing.

Right now I am listening to hip hop kids by Portugal The Man.

I talked with Alex the other day.  Actually he called me.  I tried to call him on Tuesday but could not get a hold of him which was okay with me.  Anyway, he felt obligated to call me back plus I think he just wanted to.

He really likes collage.  I asked him how it was going.  He said it was a lot of work but he said he loved it.  Collage that is.  He said he was playing music with his friends about 5 times a week about 3 hours at a time.  On the weekends he and his friends do open mic at one of the bars.  He told me that "people actually come to the bar to listen to us and dance!  They actually enjoy the music we are playing.  I look at playing the guitar so differently now."

So I am listening to what may become one of my new favorite songs.  Hip Hop Kids.  Although Atomic Man by PtM is still on top.

I am sick of writing about me obsessing.  But, I wonder if years from now I will remember the significance of the following screen shot:

Hint to Floyd in the future.  The contacts on the left side and the one that is not showing - well showing barely.  It was on your mind. . . 

Call to Dad,

Called my dad the other day. He said his back had been bothering him for a number of weeks now.  He said it would get worse as the day went on.  What came to mind was it could be an abdominal aortic aneurysm.  The very thing that we make where I work.

Today my back hurts.  It started hurting or was just generally sore and then after lunch as I was reaching for a door handle it completely spasmed.  (I deem that spasm and into a verb)

Uh, yeah, enough about her.

Sorry my brain is fucking with me again.  Anyway, I find myself hoping that that is what this is but I am not that lucky it is definitely muscle.  Not sure what I did that caused it other than going for a hike yesterday.

Valerie continued. . .

This is just so fucking pathetic isn't it?   But I might as well right about it.

First of all I think I have blood in my urine which usually means something bad is happening.   I think I just let it go. See what happens.

She texted back last night that she was sorry she was out of touch  She was distracted.

Fuck, I gotta climb a mountain. 

She said she had a really good time too. . . She also said that she may not be able to find someone to watch her son so we would have to hike some place close.

I really gotta climb a mountain.

She said she was distract and not feeling well physically. . .

I texted back that it was okay and said Mars hill would work and told her that I hoped she would feel better.

Really need a mountain.

I think I've got closure on the exchange.

I looked on facebook this evening and saw she had posted about her son.  He is halfway through book 5 of the Harry Potter books and he had started it on Friday.  This woman has a life.  I am alone at the fucking kitchen table writing in this stupid fucking blog that no one will ever read.

Enough about Val.

Another Video

a date continued some more.

I actually really don't feel like sharing about this.

She hasn't texted back.  What the fuck am I doing?  Why is my brain fucking with me like this?

Any way after the show we went to a nouveau bar/restaurant.  We talked and once again I believe I said to much.  I told her about my real addiction.  I asked her if she thought this was a date and reluctantly she said yes.  I am thinking she didn't want it to be but realized that it actually was - a date that is.

We made plans to go on a hike Saturday.

I went to my Sunday night meeting and met with Tara.  I told her that I was not going to text Valerie until Wednesday. Tara thought that was way too long.  She thought I should text at least by Tuesday and that Tuesday would probably be too long.  The meeting was at 6:00 so it wasn't until 8 when I got home.  I decided to leave off texting until the morning.

Monday morning, yesterday, I texted her:

Good morning Valerie,
Saturday night was an unexpected surprise. I felt like I could be myself. I hope you liked myself, I mean me. . . It was nice to open the door for you. I will look for casual places to hike on Saturday. Hope your Monday morning is treating you well. Andy


Tara thought it was good.  So I sent it.

an hour and a half at work

1:53 pm Assembly file created

1:54 pm In Context part created

1:55 pm Sketch created

1:55 pm Rectangle created

1:56 pm Dimensions of width and height applied to rectangle

1:56 pm Stare at rectangle

2:00 pm Still Staring at rectangle - wondering how big should the rectangle really be intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:05 pm Still Staring at rectangle - wondering how big should the rectangle really be intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:10 pm Still Staring at rectangle - wondering how big should the rectangle really be intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:15 pm Width of rectangle changed.

2:20 pm Stare at rectangle some more accept applied width and height dimensions intermixed with obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.  Thinking about giving rectangle some thickness.  What thickness though????  Obsessing about other stuff going on in my life.

2:22 pm Thickness decided and applied - I can't talk about this anymore - I'll either have to kill you or get fired.  If I get fired, I'll kill you - you're dead either way.

2:30 pm Get an e-mail about on-line ethics training.

2:35 pm Start online ethics training course

2:37 pm Ask coworkers how hard the tests are.  Co-workers laugh at me.

2:38 pm Continue talking about ethics with co-workers.

2:50 pm Take the online course

2:15 pm complete online course

2:15 pm Pray that I never have an ethics situation come up in my area of work. (It's not that I am unethical - that much. . but one can get into serious trouble without even knowing it.  Stay away from vendors and customers is the take away here.)

As an aside, speaking of ethics, I hope that what I am writing here in not unethical or violates intellectual property issues. It's just the size of a rectangular solid without material information.

2:19 Stare at rectangular solid created and wonder what to do next.  Obsess on other stuff going on in my life. . . .

A date - continued

The conversation that we had prior to the show was good.  I think I was able to make her laugh.  It could have all just been a "nervous laugh"  - like "oh my God, how the fuck am I going to get out of this."  I don't think it was that though at least not at that point.  By the way, the initial message that she left did sound like she was nervous which I think was a good thing. . . I think.  I mean I could play it for you and let you decide???

Of course the real important part happened after the show.

Valerie - a date.

Well it's good and it's bad.  And of course I focus on the bad.

Saturday around quarter 'til four she sends me a message about going to a comedy show that night.  Doors open at 7 and the show starts at 7:30, however, I read the message as it was taken by voice to text on my verizon voice mail.  It did say all that but then she went on to say something about her being there at 4:30 which she actually said 7:30.  So I called her back and got her voice mail and said, "It looks like you are already there so thanks for inviting me but looks like I can't make it."

Earlier that day JD asked me to feed his dogs because he was going on a Grand Canyon/Verde Valley train trip with Esther for his birthday.  I went over around 4:30 and as I was there looked at the message again and it didn't make sense so I listened to it.  Sure enough it said 7:30 where the voice to text converted it to 4:30.  I called her back and told her I had gotten it wrong and that I could attend.  She was at a birthday party for a friend of hers and did not answer so I left that message on her voice mail again.  I then texted her that I could make it and to disregard the first message.  Anyway she texted me back and we eventually talked and settled the details of when and where to meet.

On Saturday evenings/late afternoon I go to dinner with the 71 year old lesbian across the street.  She was really good friends with Wendy and they both helped each other through a lot of stuff liking watching each others' houses, doing stuff when the other was sick. She would watch Wendy's children when they were young. And she really helped us both when Wendy became really ill.  So I had to work that in.  I didn't want to cancel out on her because of Valerie.

We finally did meet at the show.  We talked a lot before the show and then went to restaurant/bar afterwords and talked some more. . .

To be continued.  I gotta get back to work.

Sheila and Tanya

She (Sheila) called Friday night and we had a good talk.  Just take it for what it is.  There are more pressing issues that I will write about in my next post.

While I was talking to Sheila, Tanya (who has not appeared in this blog yet) texted me.  I had asked her about working on the mini-van I have.  I need to replace the door handle and I thought it would be good to do it with her.  She seems like she is always tackling some project.  She's got the set of tools and all that so I thought I could go over to her place and do it there.

On Sunday I went over there and we plowed into it.  Long story short, the handle did not quite fit so in the process I destroyed the inside plastic bracket that secures the handle and lock to the door.  I ordered the bracket.  Hopefully it is the right one and then I am taking it to the shop and have them fix it.

Tanya may be someone to spend time with this winter.

Seemed like a source of support

So it did seem like I had someone to talk to on the phone.  Someone that is female that is.  This would have been Sheila.  She says she will call and then doesn't or we set up a time and she doesn't answer the phone.  This really isn't a big deal it is just disappointing though.

So I did finish the socks and sent them to her.  I did have to text her to see if she got them.  It had been two days since they had been delivered and I had not heard anything.  So this is kind of telling.  I am not too high on the radar there.  Once again this is okay just disappointing.  So I am going to let go here and leave it to her to contact me.  I think she is doing pretty well now.  I am sure she has a number of guys vying for her attention and she is probably consumed with the impending end of her marriage.

It was nice to knit again for somebody who I thought would use the socks.  Who knows she might.

Time to leave the party.

Valerie

Out of the blue she texted me today.

Conversation with Valerie

Hi Andy, Hope you are having a good week - Valerie Nov 1 2017 9:35 AM You just made my morning! Thank you so much. Hope you are having a good week too! Nov 1 2017 9:52 AM

This conversation was forwarded via

Of course, once again, if I were a puppy my tail would be wagging.

So now when my phone vibrates I get this puppy dog tail wag response.   This sucks be cause my phone just buzzed and it was my sponsee wanting to meet tonight.