Saturday, January 23, 2016
Friday, January 22, 2016
So, the acupuncture appointment.
Oh yeah, the acupuncture appointment. Once again a number of things happened. I need to get this down.
I went to my acupuncture appt. yesterday at 12:30. I brought Marcia 3 pairs of Wendy's socks of which she could pick one. She was really excited because she thought I had brought all three for her. Which means she likes the socks because they were Wendy's and may mean that she likes them because I knitted them. I couldn't part with all three. I can't let that much of Wendy go.
She said she thought I was bringing her socks that I had been working on. She was right. I told her last time that I had been working on two pair of socks for Wendy when she died. And then I went on to tell her that I would finish those and would "love" to give them to her. So this says a couple of things to me. One is that she likes the socks I made for Wendy to where. Another is that she was really listening when I told her I was working on two pair when she died and that I would finish them and love for her to have them. Note the use of the word love in that sentence. Not, "like" for her to have them, not I could finish them and if she wanted I could give them to her. (That's what I said to her, Wendy.) The other is that she would like to have socks that were knitted by me. These socks would mean something to her.
We talked about movies. She said she went to see Star Wars in 3D. She said her sister was here in town and asked her to go but she couldn't and then she said, I actually thought of you but thought, "He's at work he can't go. Could you have?" I told her and I gotta tell you the truth on this one is that if she called me to go see a movie during the week. I would make up something. I told her, "yeah, sure. Unless I got a really important meeting of something - I mean just as long as I am getting my stuff done" (which I actually am.). Is she going to call me during the week to go see a movie? I think it's a safe bet that she won't. Her son's girlfriend went with her.
Next item up is yoga. At my last appt with her she said she was going to text me to go to yoga with her. I did not get a text that Thursday. Yes, I was a bit bummed but a bit relieved. She forgot what happened that night - why she hadn't texted or called me. I told her that I had made up my mind that if she was going to text me, I was going to go. She said she would text me that night at 6:30. She also said that she was trying to get her "friend" Dean and her sister to go.
That's pretty much it for the appt.
She did text exactly at 6:30. I was watching JD's dogs. Her office is really close to where JD lives. I ended up over there in about 2 minute. So it is 6:32 just 2 minutes after she texted me and I text her, I'm here. I heard a truck across the street honk it's horn. I texted her if that was her truck then told her I was in the parking lot. It was freezing as I walked around the lot when I got a text saying that the yoga class wasn't until 7:15. Oh boy, hmmmm. do I look a little bit too enthusiastic or what.
I had realized on the way over there that I only had 8 bucks and the class cost fifteen. I started to panic on the way over there. That's great! That's just fucking great! You're going to ask her to pay for your yoga class - what a douche bag! This will put an end to anything that might happen. So after I get the text I go to the bank and pull money out. Then I drive down the main drag and back to burn up sometime then park in front of JD's house and wait til 7:00 to roll around. I figure, if I am in the lot when she get's there it is going to look like I am a bit too enthusiastic. So I wait in front of JD's house for her text. I mean it is like I am in some kind of movie where I am waiting for the signal to synchronize efforts to rob a bank. The signal comes. Immediately, I put my 2000 Toyota minivan into gear, All 6 cylinders and 194 horses are put into action to move me two blocks over to her office. At least I didn't turn so hard and fast into the parking lot that the rear end of the van didn't swerve.
The yoga class was good and peaceful. I put my mat down beside her's without crowding her space - I think. A couple of times I saw her laying there and I imagined as if it was just her and me. Her hair on the floor. The way she would pick herself up to the sitting position to move one of the props. I thought how nice it would be to over there with her.
When we were walking back to the her office/parking lot she said I will be texting you next Thursday. I told her I would be looking forward to it. So this could be my "Thursday night thing" but only if it is with her at least for the time being. I told her that I wasn't prepared to do it without her. She is sort of like my training wheels here. I hope she is more than my training wheels.
This whole thing that I have written is way better than thinking about Wendy not being here.
I went to my acupuncture appt. yesterday at 12:30. I brought Marcia 3 pairs of Wendy's socks of which she could pick one. She was really excited because she thought I had brought all three for her. Which means she likes the socks because they were Wendy's and may mean that she likes them because I knitted them. I couldn't part with all three. I can't let that much of Wendy go.
She said she thought I was bringing her socks that I had been working on. She was right. I told her last time that I had been working on two pair of socks for Wendy when she died. And then I went on to tell her that I would finish those and would "love" to give them to her. So this says a couple of things to me. One is that she likes the socks I made for Wendy to where. Another is that she was really listening when I told her I was working on two pair when she died and that I would finish them and love for her to have them. Note the use of the word love in that sentence. Not, "like" for her to have them, not I could finish them and if she wanted I could give them to her. (That's what I said to her, Wendy.) The other is that she would like to have socks that were knitted by me. These socks would mean something to her.
 |
| I learned to knit in 2009 |
We talked about movies. She said she went to see Star Wars in 3D. She said her sister was here in town and asked her to go but she couldn't and then she said, I actually thought of you but thought, "He's at work he can't go. Could you have?" I told her and I gotta tell you the truth on this one is that if she called me to go see a movie during the week. I would make up something. I told her, "yeah, sure. Unless I got a really important meeting of something - I mean just as long as I am getting my stuff done" (which I actually am.). Is she going to call me during the week to go see a movie? I think it's a safe bet that she won't. Her son's girlfriend went with her.
Next item up is yoga. At my last appt with her she said she was going to text me to go to yoga with her. I did not get a text that Thursday. Yes, I was a bit bummed but a bit relieved. She forgot what happened that night - why she hadn't texted or called me. I told her that I had made up my mind that if she was going to text me, I was going to go. She said she would text me that night at 6:30. She also said that she was trying to get her "friend" Dean and her sister to go.
That's pretty much it for the appt.
She did text exactly at 6:30. I was watching JD's dogs. Her office is really close to where JD lives. I ended up over there in about 2 minute. So it is 6:32 just 2 minutes after she texted me and I text her, I'm here. I heard a truck across the street honk it's horn. I texted her if that was her truck then told her I was in the parking lot. It was freezing as I walked around the lot when I got a text saying that the yoga class wasn't until 7:15. Oh boy, hmmmm. do I look a little bit too enthusiastic or what.
I had realized on the way over there that I only had 8 bucks and the class cost fifteen. I started to panic on the way over there. That's great! That's just fucking great! You're going to ask her to pay for your yoga class - what a douche bag! This will put an end to anything that might happen. So after I get the text I go to the bank and pull money out. Then I drive down the main drag and back to burn up sometime then park in front of JD's house and wait til 7:00 to roll around. I figure, if I am in the lot when she get's there it is going to look like I am a bit too enthusiastic. So I wait in front of JD's house for her text. I mean it is like I am in some kind of movie where I am waiting for the signal to synchronize efforts to rob a bank. The signal comes. Immediately, I put my 2000 Toyota minivan into gear, All 6 cylinders and 194 horses are put into action to move me two blocks over to her office. At least I didn't turn so hard and fast into the parking lot that the rear end of the van didn't swerve.
The yoga class was good and peaceful. I put my mat down beside her's without crowding her space - I think. A couple of times I saw her laying there and I imagined as if it was just her and me. Her hair on the floor. The way she would pick herself up to the sitting position to move one of the props. I thought how nice it would be to over there with her.
When we were walking back to the her office/parking lot she said I will be texting you next Thursday. I told her I would be looking forward to it. So this could be my "Thursday night thing" but only if it is with her at least for the time being. I told her that I wasn't prepared to do it without her. She is sort of like my training wheels here. I hope she is more than my training wheels.
This whole thing that I have written is way better than thinking about Wendy not being here.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Going to Yoga tonight and getting way ahead of myself!
Another important part of information about Marcia is, She is unattached.
So a conversation with my kids, maybe just Alex might go like this.
Me: So, are things getting pretty serious with your mom and her boyfriend?
Alex: Why?
Me: Well, things have kind of warmed up between your mom and me. She seems willing to talk and listen about the events of ten years ago. She seems to have recognized there has been a change in me - I mean for the better.
Alex: I don't know, what do you mean serious?
Me: Alex, you're seventeen freaking years old now. Do I really need to explain serious.
Alex: Okay Dad this is getting weird. Could we not talk about this?
Me: Come on you are almost an adult you can talk about such things
Me thinking: Boy Andy this is so so totally not what a real adult would do.
Me: All I mean is, does it look like he will be moving in with you guys or like they might get married? Are you seeing him a lot? That kind of thing.
Alex: I don't know. Why don't you ask one of my brothers.
Me: I can't. Okay, you are right. I shouldn't be asking you these questions. I am sorry. Yes, you are right. I know. It is like I am pumping you for information which puts you in a bad spot. I am sorry. I am acting like a 17 year old. No! just kidding. (Alex is 17) I am acting like a 10 year old. Seriously, I am. What do I need to do to make it up to you.
Alex: Just stop talking about it.
Me: okay! uhg! Boy I feel like a kid to my kids. This sucks
Alex: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I feel like you are the adult and I am the child now. This feels very shameful and demoralizing. Your mom never talks about her BF. She will not even acknowledge that she has a "BF." And it is "boy friend" by the way. Just like Wendy was my girl friend. So we are having these heart to heart talks about what has happened a little over 10 years ago and what has happened in the intervening time. When we talk she usually starts crying because she is overwhelmed with emotion. I think most of it is good emotion. You know like she is crying because she is happy or she is crying because she is sad that we got divorced.
Alex: You want to get back together with her don't you.
Me: Whoa, hold on there sport! Not necessarily, If the thing isn't all that serious with "said BF" and all this is happening between me and her, then that opens the possibility. And I am wondering if it has opened the possibility in her mind. Or maybe it's not open at all. May I am way off her radar. I only show up on Sunday nights when I talk to her and that is absolutely fine. However if it is true the possibility has been opened in her mind then I am open to consideration. Consideration! that's all.
Alex: What about Wendy? Aren't you guys still married.
Me: Very good question! I know you are thinking, "How could dad be thinking about getting back with mom after Wendy died! What kind of a sick fuck is my dad?
Alex looks visibly shocked after hearing me say sick fuck
Me: Yeah, that's right. That's a good thought. It is reasonable to think that. The answer to that is I may very well be a "sick eff" I won't repeat what I said before because I only said that for effect. I think some of it is a "sick eff" anyways. I think more of it is that I am living in a house that Wendy bought, that she invited me to move in with her and that I know sort of own and she's not here. This is a horrible situation. I am not saying that well because I am in this horrible situation that I need to get into another relationship as soon as possible because I deserve it. Although that comes into it a little bit. That's where I am a bit of a sick eff. The 'ol I deserve it routine. But to get out of that horrible feeling to deal with the reality that she is dead, not passed on. not not here anymore, not on a different spiritual plane, but dead, I go off into la la land thinking about, "Hey, what if Ronda and I were to get back together. Hey, what if Marcia is interested in me. Maybe we could get together. Maybe we could go to Avila beach together. and so on. This is called fantasy. It is healthy to some extent. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I do not want to get into a relationship for another 10 to 12 months at least.
So here is why I am asking you these stupid questions. I am asking these because there is the woman, my acupuncturist, Marcia, that is inviting me to do stuff with her. I really like her. We get along. I make her laugh. She makes me laugh and she is cute. So the question is do I keep taking her up on her invites? Do I invite her? Do I become more attached to her. This is what happened with Wendy and me 4 years before we actually got into a relationship. Marcia looks like a woman I would like to travel through some if not the rest of my life with.
However, I have to be honest, if your mother is thinking, "Well maybe Andy and I could. . . ." Then maybe, and it is only "maybe", I would rethink my interactions with Marcia. This is why I am asking you what you think is going on with your mother and her BF. In the absence of any information, I guess I will continue down the path with Marcia if it amounts to anything. And I have to be honest, I am really hoping it amounts to something say in 10 to 12 months.
I guess the result of this conversation is I am not going to ask Alex or any of the other guys any questions regarding this. Any information I get will come from Ronda if I get any at all. If I get none then no big deal. I will go to yoga tonight with Marcia. I will hope to go to a movie with her and then go to another and another and so on. I will see her when the appropriate opportunity arises and keep on assessing if a relationship between us would be in both our best interests.
So a conversation with my kids, maybe just Alex might go like this.
Me: So, are things getting pretty serious with your mom and her boyfriend?
Alex: Why?
Me: Well, things have kind of warmed up between your mom and me. She seems willing to talk and listen about the events of ten years ago. She seems to have recognized there has been a change in me - I mean for the better.
Alex: I don't know, what do you mean serious?
Me: Alex, you're seventeen freaking years old now. Do I really need to explain serious.
Alex: Okay Dad this is getting weird. Could we not talk about this?
Me: Come on you are almost an adult you can talk about such things
Me thinking: Boy Andy this is so so totally not what a real adult would do.
Me: All I mean is, does it look like he will be moving in with you guys or like they might get married? Are you seeing him a lot? That kind of thing.
Alex: I don't know. Why don't you ask one of my brothers.
Me: I can't. Okay, you are right. I shouldn't be asking you these questions. I am sorry. Yes, you are right. I know. It is like I am pumping you for information which puts you in a bad spot. I am sorry. I am acting like a 17 year old. No! just kidding. (Alex is 17) I am acting like a 10 year old. Seriously, I am. What do I need to do to make it up to you.
Alex: Just stop talking about it.
Me: okay! uhg! Boy I feel like a kid to my kids. This sucks
Alex: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I feel like you are the adult and I am the child now. This feels very shameful and demoralizing. Your mom never talks about her BF. She will not even acknowledge that she has a "BF." And it is "boy friend" by the way. Just like Wendy was my girl friend. So we are having these heart to heart talks about what has happened a little over 10 years ago and what has happened in the intervening time. When we talk she usually starts crying because she is overwhelmed with emotion. I think most of it is good emotion. You know like she is crying because she is happy or she is crying because she is sad that we got divorced.
Alex: You want to get back together with her don't you.
Me: Whoa, hold on there sport! Not necessarily, If the thing isn't all that serious with "said BF" and all this is happening between me and her, then that opens the possibility. And I am wondering if it has opened the possibility in her mind. Or maybe it's not open at all. May I am way off her radar. I only show up on Sunday nights when I talk to her and that is absolutely fine. However if it is true the possibility has been opened in her mind then I am open to consideration. Consideration! that's all.
Alex: What about Wendy? Aren't you guys still married.
Me: Very good question! I know you are thinking, "How could dad be thinking about getting back with mom after Wendy died! What kind of a sick fuck is my dad?
Alex looks visibly shocked after hearing me say sick fuck
Me: Yeah, that's right. That's a good thought. It is reasonable to think that. The answer to that is I may very well be a "sick eff" I won't repeat what I said before because I only said that for effect. I think some of it is a "sick eff" anyways. I think more of it is that I am living in a house that Wendy bought, that she invited me to move in with her and that I know sort of own and she's not here. This is a horrible situation. I am not saying that well because I am in this horrible situation that I need to get into another relationship as soon as possible because I deserve it. Although that comes into it a little bit. That's where I am a bit of a sick eff. The 'ol I deserve it routine. But to get out of that horrible feeling to deal with the reality that she is dead, not passed on. not not here anymore, not on a different spiritual plane, but dead, I go off into la la land thinking about, "Hey, what if Ronda and I were to get back together. Hey, what if Marcia is interested in me. Maybe we could get together. Maybe we could go to Avila beach together. and so on. This is called fantasy. It is healthy to some extent. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I do not want to get into a relationship for another 10 to 12 months at least.
So here is why I am asking you these stupid questions. I am asking these because there is the woman, my acupuncturist, Marcia, that is inviting me to do stuff with her. I really like her. We get along. I make her laugh. She makes me laugh and she is cute. So the question is do I keep taking her up on her invites? Do I invite her? Do I become more attached to her. This is what happened with Wendy and me 4 years before we actually got into a relationship. Marcia looks like a woman I would like to travel through some if not the rest of my life with.
However, I have to be honest, if your mother is thinking, "Well maybe Andy and I could. . . ." Then maybe, and it is only "maybe", I would rethink my interactions with Marcia. This is why I am asking you what you think is going on with your mother and her BF. In the absence of any information, I guess I will continue down the path with Marcia if it amounts to anything. And I have to be honest, I am really hoping it amounts to something say in 10 to 12 months.
I guess the result of this conversation is I am not going to ask Alex or any of the other guys any questions regarding this. Any information I get will come from Ronda if I get any at all. If I get none then no big deal. I will go to yoga tonight with Marcia. I will hope to go to a movie with her and then go to another and another and so on. I will see her when the appropriate opportunity arises and keep on assessing if a relationship between us would be in both our best interests.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Waiting Around for the Miracle
Ronda and I finally talked. I mean really talked. We talked about what happened ten years.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Supplements, The Newer Age Movement, and Cancer
Went to coffee with Tara tonight. This is something Wendy and I would do - go to coffee with Tara on Saturday nights. We would meet at Barnes and Noble. The last time we did this would have been last year at this time or prior. We then started meeting here at the house. We would do supplements. which means package them. Wendy was taking upwards of 50 supplements a day. Okay, she was taking at least 25 different supplements a day - upwards of 50 pills. She started doing this after she started seeing Dharma which of course we all know is pronounce Ded um. Hmmmm.
According to JP Sears who is leading the "Newer Age" movement, to be ultra-spiritual we no longer need to use names like "Sonata Rham Carh", "Whispering Light", "Bobba Ganoosh", "Krishna Yoga Nanda", "Rhotee", "Bulabonda", "Guru Punjah", "Dances with Wolves", "Rainbow", "Harmony Dolphin", "Shocktee", "Blossoming Lotus", "Rham Dhas", "Lhat Nham Carh Tarh".
Now you can have a name like, "Drew", "Karen", or "John" to be Ultra - Spiritual
But I digress.
You might be catching a glint of my thoughts on supplements. I actually believe that some of them work for mitigating some of the symptoms of cancer and the side effects due to cancer treatment, namely "Chemo." I am talking slight mitigation but that's about it. Anyway Dedum is a nurse nutritionist who does kinesiology. She would put stuff in Wendy's "field" and from that arrive at the types of supplements she should have. Every time she went she would come back with two or three more supplements to take. These supplements aren't like asprin of ibuprofin or peptobismol in terms of cost. She was spending money on supplements to the tune of 500 to 1000 dollars a month. None of it covered by insurance of course. The only thing that made a dent in her cancer was the hormonal therapy which suppress estrogen to which her cancer cells were receptive. This only works for a little while then the cancer "wises" up.
At the end of the day, to use and worn out phrase, certainly the greedy doctors made their money, absolutely the awful insurance companies made their money, and without a doubt big pharma made their outrageous sums of money. Also, the supplement manufactures made their money and every time Dedum added a couple of more supplements she made a couple of more bucks herself. Hmmm.
Kinda strange that none of the doctors or "healers" like Dedum showed up at her funeral.
According to JP Sears who is leading the "Newer Age" movement, to be ultra-spiritual we no longer need to use names like "Sonata Rham Carh", "Whispering Light", "Bobba Ganoosh", "Krishna Yoga Nanda", "Rhotee", "Bulabonda", "Guru Punjah", "Dances with Wolves", "Rainbow", "Harmony Dolphin", "Shocktee", "Blossoming Lotus", "Rham Dhas", "Lhat Nham Carh Tarh".
Now you can have a name like, "Drew", "Karen", or "John" to be Ultra - Spiritual
But I digress.
You might be catching a glint of my thoughts on supplements. I actually believe that some of them work for mitigating some of the symptoms of cancer and the side effects due to cancer treatment, namely "Chemo." I am talking slight mitigation but that's about it. Anyway Dedum is a nurse nutritionist who does kinesiology. She would put stuff in Wendy's "field" and from that arrive at the types of supplements she should have. Every time she went she would come back with two or three more supplements to take. These supplements aren't like asprin of ibuprofin or peptobismol in terms of cost. She was spending money on supplements to the tune of 500 to 1000 dollars a month. None of it covered by insurance of course. The only thing that made a dent in her cancer was the hormonal therapy which suppress estrogen to which her cancer cells were receptive. This only works for a little while then the cancer "wises" up.
At the end of the day, to use and worn out phrase, certainly the greedy doctors made their money, absolutely the awful insurance companies made their money, and without a doubt big pharma made their outrageous sums of money. Also, the supplement manufactures made their money and every time Dedum added a couple of more supplements she made a couple of more bucks herself. Hmmm.
Kinda strange that none of the doctors or "healers" like Dedum showed up at her funeral.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Off the map again and in the Fog.
When everything once so familiar now seems so foreign, so alien. I feel alienated from life, from everyone.
So we got this plant presentation going on. Here's how it happened. My wife passed on December 6th of last year - a little over one month ago as of the time of this writing. I took that week off and was going to return on the 14th. However, I had lots of stuff to do that day and I ended up coming in on that Tuesday, the 15th. On that Monday an e-mail was sent out saying that the team that was supposed to host January's meeting was not ready. Was there any other team that could it? Our team leader signed us up for it.
So you got a fucking team that had done some work on it but shucky darns they don't think they're ready to do it. So, yeah, our team is totally cold on it. Sure sign us the fuck up. I learn of this on the 15th - the day I get back from my wife passing away. Do you know how much the fuck I feel like fucking hosting a fucking plant fucking meeting - fuck? Yeah, not too fucking much!
Our leader says he'll do most of the work and talking and he is. So, it isn't as bad as I thought. He's gonna do this Star Wars theme thing. Yeah, I am so totally fucking sick of Star fucking Wars. We all do the morph faces on Star Wars characters. We are asked to do a small bio including skills and interests outside of work.
I do the bio. I kind of start to get into it and come up with about a 3 sentence bio, skills, and interests outside of work. I put some funny stuff in there. Stuff that isn't true but funny. Turns out everyone else is just putting in skills and interests. Everyone starts talking about how I put a "Novel" on my slide.
So, Fuck that. I do the same thing. Except, I only put one word for each thing. Interests: one word, Skills: one word, all of it true and boring. You can read all about me in less than two or three seconds.
At first, I wasn't going to come to the plant meeting but then as I kind of felt like I was getting into it I thought I would go. Now, fuck it. I am taking that day off. I am going to Colorado.
I feel so alienated. Like, in case you didn't get it Floyd you are not one of us. Unfortunately we needed to give you a little smack upside the head to let you know so.
"Okay, Okay, I got it! Just stay the fuck away from me then. You know, Fuck off. Do your stupid fucking plant meeting without me. Fuck off." Says Floyd.
So we got this plant presentation going on. Here's how it happened. My wife passed on December 6th of last year - a little over one month ago as of the time of this writing. I took that week off and was going to return on the 14th. However, I had lots of stuff to do that day and I ended up coming in on that Tuesday, the 15th. On that Monday an e-mail was sent out saying that the team that was supposed to host January's meeting was not ready. Was there any other team that could it? Our team leader signed us up for it.
So you got a fucking team that had done some work on it but shucky darns they don't think they're ready to do it. So, yeah, our team is totally cold on it. Sure sign us the fuck up. I learn of this on the 15th - the day I get back from my wife passing away. Do you know how much the fuck I feel like fucking hosting a fucking plant fucking meeting - fuck? Yeah, not too fucking much!
Our leader says he'll do most of the work and talking and he is. So, it isn't as bad as I thought. He's gonna do this Star Wars theme thing. Yeah, I am so totally fucking sick of Star fucking Wars. We all do the morph faces on Star Wars characters. We are asked to do a small bio including skills and interests outside of work.
I do the bio. I kind of start to get into it and come up with about a 3 sentence bio, skills, and interests outside of work. I put some funny stuff in there. Stuff that isn't true but funny. Turns out everyone else is just putting in skills and interests. Everyone starts talking about how I put a "Novel" on my slide.
So, Fuck that. I do the same thing. Except, I only put one word for each thing. Interests: one word, Skills: one word, all of it true and boring. You can read all about me in less than two or three seconds.
At first, I wasn't going to come to the plant meeting but then as I kind of felt like I was getting into it I thought I would go. Now, fuck it. I am taking that day off. I am going to Colorado.
I feel so alienated. Like, in case you didn't get it Floyd you are not one of us. Unfortunately we needed to give you a little smack upside the head to let you know so.
"Okay, Okay, I got it! Just stay the fuck away from me then. You know, Fuck off. Do your stupid fucking plant meeting without me. Fuck off." Says Floyd.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
The Sunday Night Girl
I actually did a search on this blog for "Sunday night girl" Turns out I never used the phrase. I used it but not in this blog. I used it at the Saturday night meeting which we stopped in 2011. I would talk about how attracted I was to Carrie in that meeting.
Anyway, I don't believe I have seen her in well over a year at the Sunday night meeting and she showed up tonight. How 'bout dat.
I was looking forward to seeing Nicole and as I am walking in I here someone call my name and it is Carrie. We were at the grocery store, Bashas, one day and Wendy and I ran into her and her boy. It was nice. I had come a long way since then. Now, however, I am vulnerable once again. Okay, she is a little heavier but is still pretty. And I still feel a little bit of that electric charge. Yeah, it's just a little bit. It would be nice to see her at the meeting but she probably won't be back for another year or so which is okay. Still thinking of Marcia.
By the way, every time I mention the restorative yoga to people, they say, "Yes, that would be excellent for you." Even my friend Larry who I see every Sunday morning said I should go. (Sort of a Sponcee kind of thing) So I am getting the message from the universe that restorative yoga is something to do. Kind of the green light to go to restorative yoga with Marcia.
Talked to Ronda tonight. She said she is thinking about me a lot. Hmmm. She is in a relationship. You know what I want and of course, this is only with certain women - certain women that are not in relationships - that are unattached. I want them to be thinking about me - a lot. I want them to be thinking about me as in I would like to get to know Floyd better. Maybe he and I could have coffee or I could cook him dinner or . . . . The circus is in town. Que the music . . . .
I have been going for my own little personal record on the TCB charts (Taking Care of Business) Took care of business 5 times today. So yes I am having problems today.
What all this tells me is that I have done a pretty good job of avoiding the pain today actually. I think in the other blog I may have said the exact opposite which is a fucking lie.
I fail to accept that she is not coming back to this house. I failed to accept it today.
Anyway, I don't believe I have seen her in well over a year at the Sunday night meeting and she showed up tonight. How 'bout dat.
I was looking forward to seeing Nicole and as I am walking in I here someone call my name and it is Carrie. We were at the grocery store, Bashas, one day and Wendy and I ran into her and her boy. It was nice. I had come a long way since then. Now, however, I am vulnerable once again. Okay, she is a little heavier but is still pretty. And I still feel a little bit of that electric charge. Yeah, it's just a little bit. It would be nice to see her at the meeting but she probably won't be back for another year or so which is okay. Still thinking of Marcia.
By the way, every time I mention the restorative yoga to people, they say, "Yes, that would be excellent for you." Even my friend Larry who I see every Sunday morning said I should go. (Sort of a Sponcee kind of thing) So I am getting the message from the universe that restorative yoga is something to do. Kind of the green light to go to restorative yoga with Marcia.
Talked to Ronda tonight. She said she is thinking about me a lot. Hmmm. She is in a relationship. You know what I want and of course, this is only with certain women - certain women that are not in relationships - that are unattached. I want them to be thinking about me - a lot. I want them to be thinking about me as in I would like to get to know Floyd better. Maybe he and I could have coffee or I could cook him dinner or . . . . The circus is in town. Que the music . . . .
I have been going for my own little personal record on the TCB charts (Taking Care of Business) Took care of business 5 times today. So yes I am having problems today.
What all this tells me is that I have done a pretty good job of avoiding the pain today actually. I think in the other blog I may have said the exact opposite which is a fucking lie.
I fail to accept that she is not coming back to this house. I failed to accept it today.
I failed. .
I failed
I failed
I failed
I failed
Marcia
I read a post earlier today about some woman who wants to date again. She says that she is going to date lots of different guys so she doesn't get fixated on one guy. This is actually the healthy thing to do. This of course is the thing I don't do. I guess when I think about it I did go on match dot fucking com before Wendy and I dated. I mean it was the craziness of match dot com that told me Wendy was pretty much "it."
Uh,
Yeah,
I am going to date. . . uhg.
No I'm not.
And yes, I am fixated on Marcia. Mar See' Uh.
By the way, I have another blog I am writing now on what's going on with me with regard to me mentally after Wendy's passing. I elude to the crazy thinking but don't write about it directly. That's what this blog is for.
Last week we got a lot of snow. For about two days I was wishing I was dead and contemplating suicide. I really hope the fuck that Myra44 didn't do that. Which is of course why even though I contemplated it, it's not even close to an option for me. That's weird. I just thought of that. I mean I wouldn't want Myra to do it which impacts my thinking.
So I was in this funk on Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Thursday I go see Marcia. I was looking forward to it of course. I see Marcia for acupuncture. I just thought about it but she reminds me of Wendy Wayman, a writing instructor who I was kind of infatuated with when I was a freshman in college. As if you couldn't tell I pretty much suck at writing which is why I had to take remedial remedial writing during my freshman year of college. She was my remedial remedial writing instructor. She really actually liked what I wrote. I got an A. I also got A's in remedial writing, and writing 101 so suck it. Miss Rohr. Miss Rohr gave me an F- (I shit you not, an F-) on my senior term paper in high school. (An F-, Really? Seriously?) Oh yes, and I also got an A in technical writing my senior year in college Once again, suck it Miss Rohr. Hmmm Wendy Wayman, another Wendy in my life.
So Wendy Waymen had this bohemian kind of hippy thing but yet was sort of conservative meaning she dressed and carried herself conservatively. I am not sure about her political beliefs. Those don't matter I subscribe to none. I mean, I do have political beliefs but one can not label them one way or the other.
I said all that to say Marcia reminds me of Wendy Waymen or Wendy Wayman in that she has this bohemian hippy kind of thing about her which I find attractive.
By the way I have conversations with myself all the time. That was just one of them.
So at the Acupuncture appointment a number of things happened.
Point here being, She talked to me a lot. Oh yes, and because of the snow, she called me using her cell phone to see if I was still planning on making the appointment.
Oh, I am just reading into everything now aren't I. I know this is a set up.
However, if you look back in this blog you will see me write about Carrie. This is back in 2006 and 2007. Nothing ever came of it but it was a distraction and kept me from loosing hope. It kind of kept my morale up.
I am actually going to that same meeting tonight. It is Sunday night. There is a young woman that attends. Her name is Nicole. I have caught her looking at me and from time to time out of the blue she has said, "Hi Floyd." She wants me. Just kidding. I am actually not conceited like that. Although, I like to allow my mind to run with it a bit and have some fun which in actuality is what I am doing with Marcia.
It has been a rough day. I have been reminded of Wendy. Worse, I have been reminded that she is not here and I am tired of crying. It actually gets painful after a while. So for all you judgmental pricks out there, of which I AM ONE, Fuck you!
That's the way it is in my head Jan 10 2015
Uh,
Yeah,
I am going to date. . . uhg.
No I'm not.
And yes, I am fixated on Marcia. Mar See' Uh.
By the way, I have another blog I am writing now on what's going on with me with regard to me mentally after Wendy's passing. I elude to the crazy thinking but don't write about it directly. That's what this blog is for.
Last week we got a lot of snow. For about two days I was wishing I was dead and contemplating suicide. I really hope the fuck that Myra44 didn't do that. Which is of course why even though I contemplated it, it's not even close to an option for me. That's weird. I just thought of that. I mean I wouldn't want Myra to do it which impacts my thinking.
So I was in this funk on Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Thursday I go see Marcia. I was looking forward to it of course. I see Marcia for acupuncture. I just thought about it but she reminds me of Wendy Wayman, a writing instructor who I was kind of infatuated with when I was a freshman in college. As if you couldn't tell I pretty much suck at writing which is why I had to take remedial remedial writing during my freshman year of college. She was my remedial remedial writing instructor. She really actually liked what I wrote. I got an A. I also got A's in remedial writing, and writing 101 so suck it. Miss Rohr. Miss Rohr gave me an F- (I shit you not, an F-) on my senior term paper in high school. (An F-, Really? Seriously?) Oh yes, and I also got an A in technical writing my senior year in college Once again, suck it Miss Rohr. Hmmm Wendy Wayman, another Wendy in my life.
So Wendy Waymen had this bohemian kind of hippy thing but yet was sort of conservative meaning she dressed and carried herself conservatively. I am not sure about her political beliefs. Those don't matter I subscribe to none. I mean, I do have political beliefs but one can not label them one way or the other.
I said all that to say Marcia reminds me of Wendy Waymen or Wendy Wayman in that she has this bohemian hippy kind of thing about her which I find attractive.
"Geeze Floyd, your wife's been gone for what, one month and four days and your obsessing about another women. Don't you think that is kind of sociopathic. just sayin'."
Yeah, I know, I wonder about that but guess what? It takes away me contemplating suicide. It gives me hope that something else might be out there for me one day. Not today mind you but one day. So fuck you.
By the way I have conversations with myself all the time. That was just one of them.
So at the Acupuncture appointment a number of things happened.
- I told her that coming to see her was the high light of my week right after I told her that Wendy and I attended the same meeting back in 2006 when my life was a shambles and that meeting was the high light of my week. I now know why I said this. I said this to give her some information. The information being: I like seeing her. Yes the acupuncture is okay. She rubs my back and shoulders as she's doing it and it is heaven. But I also like seeing her. I actually do not see her physically because my face is usually in the face cradle with eyes closed or facing directly up at the ceiling with my eyes closed. I do not look at the needles - ever! I do see her before and after. She is my age and is easy on the eyes. I like being with her. I hope she received that information. The reason is that if she did and if she is savvy then she will either do one of two things - I think. One is she will think to herself, he is in a vulnerable position and I do not want to make any advances where he might want "more" from me. Two is she will think to herself, I like him and would like to spend more time with him. I care for him and his welfare and maybe, just maybe down the road we could spend more time together. . . There are all kinds of other options I know but. .
- I told her I had stopped knitting because I have no one to knit for. She later said if there are any socks that Wendy wore that I knitted for her she would love to have them. I told her I was in the process of knitting to pair. I was almost finished with both of them and I would love to finish them for her - a little more information sent. I think I will give her a pair that Wendy actually wore. As I think about it she would like to have something from Wendy really.
- She gave me a book she really liked. The title is, "The People of the Book" It is about the Haggadah which I know to be read at the Jewish Seder. It tells the story of the deliverance of the Jewish people to Israel. She thought that since Wendy was Jewish, I might be interested in reading it
- She invited me to go to restorative yoga with her and her "friend" Dean on Thursday's at 7.
- She gave me all kinds of recipes and things to get at Natural Grocers to eat more healthy.
Point here being, She talked to me a lot. Oh yes, and because of the snow, she called me using her cell phone to see if I was still planning on making the appointment.
Oh, I am just reading into everything now aren't I. I know this is a set up.
However, if you look back in this blog you will see me write about Carrie. This is back in 2006 and 2007. Nothing ever came of it but it was a distraction and kept me from loosing hope. It kind of kept my morale up.
I am actually going to that same meeting tonight. It is Sunday night. There is a young woman that attends. Her name is Nicole. I have caught her looking at me and from time to time out of the blue she has said, "Hi Floyd." She wants me. Just kidding. I am actually not conceited like that. Although, I like to allow my mind to run with it a bit and have some fun which in actuality is what I am doing with Marcia.
It has been a rough day. I have been reminded of Wendy. Worse, I have been reminded that she is not here and I am tired of crying. It actually gets painful after a while. So for all you judgmental pricks out there, of which I AM ONE, Fuck you!
That's the way it is in my head Jan 10 2015
Friday, January 08, 2016
Words support like bone
Dreaming of Mercy.
Mercy Street.
Nowhere in the corridors of pale green and grey
Nowhere in the suburbs
In the cold light of day
There in the midst of it so alive and alone
Words support like bone
Dreaming of Mercy Street
Wear your inside out
Looking for mercy
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Some more on "The Wreckage"
I like the wreckage analogy. I continue to feel worse. Everyday seems a little worse than the one before. I told my massage therapist today that it feels like the plane crashed into the building on December 6th. Right now the fire is raging weakening the beams and girders inside. The building will be coming down. I think it has to if I am going to be able rebuild. So we haven't quite achieved wreckage.
I sit in the rocking chair. Actually it's the glider. It's the glider where she nursed her children. On the piano I can see the back of our wedding album. It has a picture of Wendy and me and a caption that says, "The Journey Begins" Okay yeah I'm crying. I can barely see what I am typing. I am wondering, did the journey end on December 6th. No, It did not end. It is still going. I am still on it and she's still with me.
I am supposed to go to Buffalo Park with Nancy tomorrow. No nothing is going to happen. No Fucking way. Of course I have my fantasies. They get me out of the pain of seeing the two of us and now the two of us in physical form is no longer. That is the pain. The little Rocky and Bullwinkle show I got going on in my head takes that pain away.
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