E-mail Exchange (what I would say to the X)

Email to Beth:

I sent this to the unnamed ex let me know what you think:

"I am sorry for my reaction on the phone when we talked on Sunday night.  Yes I was a bit disappointed.  I have had a number of things happen lately that have felt somewhat "abandoning" which of course you were not doing.  I was looking forward to having us be more somewhat like a family.  I definitely was not expecting anything.  I hope you understand this.

To allay any concerns you have - you need not make anything "crystal clear" with me.  I do understand there might be others in your life as well as the kids that could misinterpret us staying in the same VRBO.

I have always believed and continue to do so that it would be a huge mistake to develop anything more than a working friendship to raise the three boys.  I was hoping to establish a bit more of a "friendship" where you would be part of the resources I am trying to gather for some support during the upcoming months.  I can see that would not be a good idea.

Although it has been very supportive to talk with you as friends and see the kids more often it is turning out not to be that practical.  It is stressful for you when you have to find a place to stay.  I don't have the money for a hotel.  And, it appears the kids and others important to you in your life may be getting the wrong idea.  So I guess I would like to go back to me visiting when ever you are able and want to get away.  I think it used to be maybe 4 to 6 times a year.

Also now that the kids have phones we probably really don't need to talk that much anymore. I don't want to know about issues going on with the kids (like what Adam is going through) as it is a bit too stressful for you.  It is really none of my business anyway and my influence on them at this point in their lives is negligible.

I guess all in all, it would probably be best just to go back to the way it was before Wendy and I got together.  Really the only thing I can do is what I have done in the past; keep steady with the child support payments and talk to the kids whenever they have time."

From Beth

Subject: Re: I sent this to the unnamed ex let me know what you think.

I'd say you made your feelings "crystal clear."  I'll be really interested to see how she responds.

I'm coming down with something.  Achy and very nauseous.  I think that's all the feedback I can give now.

To Beth

I'm sorry I did not send that I thought that that might be obvious there's no way I would send something like that I was just ranting there's some elements of that that I might talk to her about and tell her.

From Beth

Oh.  I've been puking through every orifice you can puke through.  (That would be one plus a pair, but it sounds more dramatic the other way.)  It's distracting me from paying close attention to other things.

To Beth:

Oh this so calls for a reply.  I cannot believe your self-centeredness.  OMG!  Your letting a little thing like blowing out both ends distract you from my tradgic life.  Now I know what kind of friend you are!   Actually I realized in my last missive to you that I did not wish you a speedy recovery.   So I got on my e-mail to do so and found your e-mail.  This sounds serious.   Could you let me know tomorrow how you are.   I hope it's nothing serious.

From Beth:

sure. thx for the laugh

To Beth:

How are you doing today?

From Beth:

I can't eat yet, but I'm not nearly so miserable as I was.  The nausea and body aches started calming down some this morning.  I didn't get much sleep so I'll probably just stay in bed today.  I predict I'll be up and almost normal by tomorrow.

To Beth:

My brain seems to be doing better.  This is kind of an odd statement because it is, in fact, my brain that is writing these words you are reading.  I am really working on trying to figure out what is so fucking bad about my situation.  I am not coming up with any good answers.  This, I think, is a good thing.

I am pissed that I feel so fucking awful and hopeless all because I am alone.  I don't understand it.  I have been asking Wendy to give me the shift that she talked about.  A shift where all the sudden I am okay with be alone.  I mean I am just fine when I climb.  In fact, I'd rather not have anybody with me when I climb.

keep continuing to feel better.

Floyd

From Beth:

Have you ever felt okay being alone?  I think you were during that time when you were hanging with Frank.

I have felt okay being unpartnered in the past, but I had one or more kids living with me.  That changed last year and it felt awful.  But I'm really doing okay now.  I go to more meditation groups and meetings.  And, of course, I have the time at the abbey coming up.  That kind of keeps me occupied.  

I'm glad you have your 14ers.  That's been an amazing adventure in your life!

To Beth:

Actually to be honest I think it would be really cool to be okay with not wanting to have someone else in my life.  That is the way I am out on the mountains.

This is new thinking that just occurred to me in the last couple of days.  Last night for the first time I asked the question:

"Why can't I be alright without anybody in my life?"

 As soon as I asked that question that panicky feeling lessened.  I think it mostly has to do with shame.  So when I am around other couples doing all the things that couples do I feel a sense of shame that I am alone.

There is this woman at work - the 24 year old I talked to you about.  She asked me that question last Thursday, "Why do you need to be in a relationship with someone."  and said right after that, "See I am totally okay with no one in my life."  However, she and someone she works with closely had been making overtures to one another for some time and they ended up "connecting up" over this last weekend.  I went to a meeting with them yesterday and they behaved like a "new couple."  Yeah, You know.  Fortunately, I was able to find a way to cut the meeting short and got the fuck out of there before I threw up.

Before Wendy and I got together, I wanted to get into a relationship.  I did feel lonely and all that crap but was okay with not being in one. . .  somewhat.  I was in my early 40's then.  Now I am old and I think of Frank and how he could never get into a relationship after he was 50 and that just freaks me out.  I knew a lot of people including you that would tell me shit like the "24 year old"  would tell me - "You can be just fine without being in a relationship"  These people were probably never "not in a relationship" for more than a couple of months.  You have since had that experience and more recently the experience I have had multiple times in my life - living alone - "for reals"  Basically she totally has no idea of what she is talking about.   She can't even remotely relate.  The fact is, is that most people can't do it.  Because I am so introverted (and Wendy was also) I may not have that choice.  I don't have a whole lot going for me other than I appear to be good at making ex-boyfriends jealous.

So, why can't I be alright without anybody in my life?  I've been talking with Wendy about the issue.  So I will keep asking Wendy to give me that shift.