I can't believe this is happening to me is all he could think. He thought back and remembered:
He remembered going to dinner at Willie G's on the 16th street mall. How they would talk and enjoy each other's company. He remembered the last time they. . . and then the crash of thunder and the rain came down in sheets.
He hid in a hole in one of the bigger rocks. Part of the rock protruded out over the opening and sheltered him from the rain. It was warm inside the rock for some reason. He laid down. As he closed his eyes he saw their faces. He wanted to go back to be with them but the choices he had made would not allow that, for now.
It was comfortable in the hole in the rock. The drone of the rain was hypnotic. He listened to the rain as it seemed to become more and more muffled. He was completely in the dark. There was no change in the light when he closed his eyes. He had nothing but he was warm. He realized it didn't show up today but the girl did. He thought of the girl and a feeling of hope came over him as the rain lulled him gently to sleep.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
The rain fell harder and it was starting to get dark.
All of the sudden from a distance behind, "Where are you from?" she yelled
He turned around, startled. "What?" he yelled back. He could barely hear her over the rain. He made out the shape throught the rain and the fog. She had on a raincoat this time. But it was definitely her. He could tell by her voice.
"I said, where did you come from?" she said as she stopped climbing over a road that had turned into a path that had then turned into large rocks and small boulders. She cupped her hands around her mouth to direct the sound toward him.
The rain instensified, the fog thickened and then she was gone again. Not hidden by the rain and the fog, but gone. He was left in a panic. He wanted to run. but run where. He wanted to scream but to who. There was no time and there was no place. He realized he seemed to be in no time and no place just in the middle of an incredibly rocky path, in the cold wet rain as darkness settled in.
Just then he figured out what she asked. Right after that he figured out that he didn't have the answer. He wondered if he would hear from her again.
"Stay focused." he thought.
All of the sudden from a distance behind, "Where are you from?" she yelled
He turned around, startled. "What?" he yelled back. He could barely hear her over the rain. He made out the shape throught the rain and the fog. She had on a raincoat this time. But it was definitely her. He could tell by her voice.
"I said, where did you come from?" she said as she stopped climbing over a road that had turned into a path that had then turned into large rocks and small boulders. She cupped her hands around her mouth to direct the sound toward him.
The rain instensified, the fog thickened and then she was gone again. Not hidden by the rain and the fog, but gone. He was left in a panic. He wanted to run. but run where. He wanted to scream but to who. There was no time and there was no place. He realized he seemed to be in no time and no place just in the middle of an incredibly rocky path, in the cold wet rain as darkness settled in.
Just then he figured out what she asked. Right after that he figured out that he didn't have the answer. He wondered if he would hear from her again.
"Stay focused." he thought.
"Listen, I just have to get away for awhile." She said in kind of a desperate tone."
Get away from who?" he asked."
Get away from the people I am traveling with. Sometimes I don't think he's safe."
An icicle of pain shot through him. He winced. She couldn't see it. She didn't know but he did.
He knew what he had done. That's why he was out here in the rain - the interminable rain. He wondered if she was out here because she had to be or was she hiding. He knew he had no choice. He wondered if she would get to that place of where traveling in the rain would no longer be a choice for her.
It hurt him to hear her speak of being abused. He was a perpetrator of emotional abuse. And it was for this he had been banished. And now here was this person out here in the rain wanting to walk and talk with him for awhile. Never-the-less, the shame in his heart swelled. He felt bad for her and looked to her as yet another instructor.
"Stay focused." he thought. "Keep your eye on the path. Don't get distracted." He had done enough stumbling and falling to last him a lifetime. He no longer had the luxury of "going along for the ride." "Stay focused."
He looked straight ahead with an aire of determination. A rain drop slid down his nose and clung to the end as he surveyed what lay ahead. The mist had now turned to rain. She was gone.
Get away from who?" he asked."
Get away from the people I am traveling with. Sometimes I don't think he's safe."
An icicle of pain shot through him. He winced. She couldn't see it. She didn't know but he did.
He knew what he had done. That's why he was out here in the rain - the interminable rain. He wondered if she was out here because she had to be or was she hiding. He knew he had no choice. He wondered if she would get to that place of where traveling in the rain would no longer be a choice for her.
It hurt him to hear her speak of being abused. He was a perpetrator of emotional abuse. And it was for this he had been banished. And now here was this person out here in the rain wanting to walk and talk with him for awhile. Never-the-less, the shame in his heart swelled. He felt bad for her and looked to her as yet another instructor.
"Stay focused." he thought. "Keep your eye on the path. Don't get distracted." He had done enough stumbling and falling to last him a lifetime. He no longer had the luxury of "going along for the ride." "Stay focused."
He looked straight ahead with an aire of determination. A rain drop slid down his nose and clung to the end as he surveyed what lay ahead. The mist had now turned to rain. She was gone.
That morning, as he set out, there was a light mist and it was a bit foggy. Through the fog he could see the outline of a person. Right away he recognized that it was her. It looked like they would be heading in the same direction again today. He was happy about that. She didn't seem to mind either.
It occurred to him on this grey morning that he no longer knew where he was going. He no longer had a destination. Out of the several destinations he thought he might go to, he had come to understand that none of them existed any more. They had all been destroyed in the flood.
She on the other hand seemed to be heading somewhere. He couldn’t figure out where and she wouldn’t tell. In fact, he wasn't sure that she was sure she knew where she was going. One thing seemed clear was that she didn't like where she was. He was careful not to pry. That was her business. All he knew is that the conversation was pleasant and the road didn’t seem so lonely on this cold and damp day.
As he thought about her situation he realized that that is what had started him on his journey; He didn't like where he was. Once again, he only knew that something wasn't quite right. He knew if he had continued in that same direction whatever disaster awaited him would be much worse than anything that might happen if he decided to leave that trail. So he left. That was a long time ago.
It actually took him a long time to leave. He kept going back. Everytime he would re-join the main party, he invariably ended up pissing and moaning about how they were heading in the wrong direction until they finally kicked him out of the group.
One day after making another attempt to leave, he went to where he thought they should be but no one was there. He ran up the path a couple of miles; didn't see a soul. He ran back the other way, still no one. He tried to return several times thereafter but everytime there was no one to be found. Either they had taken a different way or they were all hiding from him. He suspected a little of both. He understood though; Even he was getting sick of his own bitching and complaining.
Finally, after he realized what had happened he set out in the direction that seemed the clearest. Unfortunately, even the direction that seemed to be the way was quite rough and actually not that clear. As he traveled farther down the road he began to meet people heading the same direction. Every person that he began traveling down the road with had one thing in common; they didn't know where they were going.
Also, as he got farther down the road, the signs along the way began to diminish, the ones that were there were broken and sometimes they seemed to point in the wrong direction. He would come across many people that were crossing his path. In fact several times they would accompany him for a while and then they would have to take the other fork in the road. All of these people seemed so prepared with the latest navigational equipment like GPS functional cell phones, the latest maps, Goretex jackets, waterproof hiking boots, the best back packs, etc. etc. etc.. All he had was this stupid blue book that described the way and was written by, as the lore went, a couple of guys that were the first ones to take the trip. They documented the trip very carefully in the blue book.
He wondered if this was the way to be going, why was it so poorly marked? The road wasn't even a road for God's sake. I mean, you could see remenants of where a road had been which offered a comforting clue that you weren't as lost as you thought you were. But most of the way you had to push away the rock, cut through the brush, and clear away the wreckage from previous adventures. He realized why this was so; Not too many people went this way.
He didn't know how long they would accompany each other down the path but she was the first new person he'd seen in about six months.
He was happy there was a new face and some new conversation. And so they headed down the winding wet dirt road talking to each other while the mist soaked through their cloths on that grey damp Wednesday morning
It occurred to him on this grey morning that he no longer knew where he was going. He no longer had a destination. Out of the several destinations he thought he might go to, he had come to understand that none of them existed any more. They had all been destroyed in the flood.
She on the other hand seemed to be heading somewhere. He couldn’t figure out where and she wouldn’t tell. In fact, he wasn't sure that she was sure she knew where she was going. One thing seemed clear was that she didn't like where she was. He was careful not to pry. That was her business. All he knew is that the conversation was pleasant and the road didn’t seem so lonely on this cold and damp day.
As he thought about her situation he realized that that is what had started him on his journey; He didn't like where he was. Once again, he only knew that something wasn't quite right. He knew if he had continued in that same direction whatever disaster awaited him would be much worse than anything that might happen if he decided to leave that trail. So he left. That was a long time ago.
It actually took him a long time to leave. He kept going back. Everytime he would re-join the main party, he invariably ended up pissing and moaning about how they were heading in the wrong direction until they finally kicked him out of the group.
One day after making another attempt to leave, he went to where he thought they should be but no one was there. He ran up the path a couple of miles; didn't see a soul. He ran back the other way, still no one. He tried to return several times thereafter but everytime there was no one to be found. Either they had taken a different way or they were all hiding from him. He suspected a little of both. He understood though; Even he was getting sick of his own bitching and complaining.
Finally, after he realized what had happened he set out in the direction that seemed the clearest. Unfortunately, even the direction that seemed to be the way was quite rough and actually not that clear. As he traveled farther down the road he began to meet people heading the same direction. Every person that he began traveling down the road with had one thing in common; they didn't know where they were going.
Also, as he got farther down the road, the signs along the way began to diminish, the ones that were there were broken and sometimes they seemed to point in the wrong direction. He would come across many people that were crossing his path. In fact several times they would accompany him for a while and then they would have to take the other fork in the road. All of these people seemed so prepared with the latest navigational equipment like GPS functional cell phones, the latest maps, Goretex jackets, waterproof hiking boots, the best back packs, etc. etc. etc.. All he had was this stupid blue book that described the way and was written by, as the lore went, a couple of guys that were the first ones to take the trip. They documented the trip very carefully in the blue book.
He wondered if this was the way to be going, why was it so poorly marked? The road wasn't even a road for God's sake. I mean, you could see remenants of where a road had been which offered a comforting clue that you weren't as lost as you thought you were. But most of the way you had to push away the rock, cut through the brush, and clear away the wreckage from previous adventures. He realized why this was so; Not too many people went this way.
He didn't know how long they would accompany each other down the path but she was the first new person he'd seen in about six months.
He was happy there was a new face and some new conversation. And so they headed down the winding wet dirt road talking to each other while the mist soaked through their cloths on that grey damp Wednesday morning
Sometimes my breath
is taken away when I realize the magnitude of my lose. I am looking at something I can't quite fully comprehend. However, I do get glimpses and those glimpses are terrifying. The glimpses take my breath away almost like a cut to my gut. Once the air begins to return to my lungs the picture of horror is so immense that I have to turn away. I am left with this sense of emptiness. I want something to fill it. The only thing I can put there is God.
The situation is so overwhelming
It is omnipresent. It seems to have become a part of my being. It permeates everything I think.
and now for something completely different
As I sit here doing my drawings I am listening to Faithless' "The Garden" and "Sunday 8PM" They are very nice instrumental pieces. All the other stuff on the album 8PM is kind of Rap like. But these two I really really like. I am ruminating on them, I think. The music I listen to becomes a marker for a particular time in my life. I think these two pieces will become markers for this time along with a variety of other music. I am looking for new music to replace 16 years of music. - Think I'll put this on my blog.
and now for something completely different
As I sit here doing my drawings I am listening to Faithless' "The Garden" and "Sunday 8PM" They are very nice instrumental pieces. All the other stuff on the album 8PM is kind of Rap like. But these two I really really like. I am ruminating on them, I think. The music I listen to becomes a marker for a particular time in my life. I think these two pieces will become markers for this time along with a variety of other music. I am looking for new music to replace 16 years of music. - Think I'll put this on my blog.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
My ears are on fire
My ears are burning up. In fact, my ears and my eye lids are on fire. I mean they are really hot for some reason. This happens to me from time to time so I put water on my eye lids and ears to cool them down. I wish I knew what was going on with this. I have talked to a lot of doctors. They do not know.
Monday, May 29, 2006
On 12 Step
How has 12 step programs helped me personnally?
This is an essay question, isn't it? Is there partial credit?
Okay, enough with being a smart ass. As I said in the comments, 12 step programs have helped me to become more spiritual. This is what 12 step programs are all about becoming spiritual. Alcoholics Anonymous is a "spiritual program of action." This really turns a lot of people off. But I was at my wits end. So, me being an atheist decided that I needed to disspence with the arrogance and consider spirtuallity as a possible solution. Notice I say spirtuallity and not religion, Jesus Christ, Budha, Reverend Jim Jones, Big Bad Bob the Albino, or any cult or anything like that.
Prior to this I thought all that God stuff Budha stuff and the like was for the weak minded. However, I now look at it in a different light. Here is my reasoning:
The 12 step program is a way of dealing with addiction to Alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. I believe my addiction stems from anxiety, fear, loneliness, and/or psychological pain in general. I believe this psychological pain comes from the uncertainty of survival. In other words, I am literally afraid for my life. For me, every pain I have can be traced back to my fear for survival.
The way I calm this fear is to drink, drug, have sex, you name it. In these conditions, I literally gain serenity. That's what you get when drink, That's what I get when I have sex, especially after. In fact, that's what I get when I am accepted by that very special someone who I believe is the answer to my dreams, who makes me feel needed, who makes me feel loved. When I don't have this, my survival is in question.
I understand that my survival depends on my ability to produce at work. Well, what if I don't like my work. That's kind of a problem. The other thing is that my ability to produce at work is subject to opinion. Do the people that sign my paycheck value the work I do. All these things kind of come into play. Add to this that I was told from the time I was born that I was a worthless shit and a dumb bastard. So right off the bat, I don't believe I have the ability to produce. I don't believe I have value to other people. But it is through other people that my survival depends on. This is a lot of fucking pain to deal with. I think I'll have a drink. I think I'll see a prostitute. - or whatever. Once I do this I get some sense of "everything being okay" for a little while. This sense of "everything being okay." is almost euphoric compared to the standard, "I have no right to be alive." or "at any moment my life is going to go into the shitter." I learn very quickly that Alcohol, drugs, sex makes me feel okay in this very uncertain world.
The spirtuallity aspect tells us that in a very natural way, all of us will be cared for. Once you gain a "visceral" understanding of this you then get the same thing that you got artificially through seeing prostitutes, having the nice car, taking drugs, buying lots of stuff, eating, or what ever.
The thing of it is, is that "ALL OF US WILL BE CARED FOR BY A HIGHER POWER" as long as we work this spiritual program of action. Yes, it is contingent on you working the program, the 12 steps. I have found this to be true so far. I must have faith though.
To me when I first heard this I thought that this kind of sounds like "motherhood and apple pie" and crap like that. But I am finding that this is the case - when I work the program. Because it is when I work the program that I can then really start to believe on a very basic/fundamental level that everything will be okay. So there is no need to fuck over my neighbor. There is no need to be disrespectful to women. There is no "need" to have the nicest car. There is no need to send my kids to "the best schools" in order to keep up with the Dasouza's (My wife's neighbors) No, everything is fine just as it is.
Okay, I am not there yet. Very few of us are but this is my goal. I have seen glimpses of this. I have had real tangible experiences with this to know that this is what I definitely need to be doing. This is why when my wife says, I want everything you have and I do not want you to have any type of a life after our divorce, I say in responce, I will try to meet you as closely on this as I possibly can. I know that what she wants is not in line with spiritual principles and I know that I will be taken care of. What happens to her and what she ultimately gets is her own business. But mine is that, after all is said and done, as long as I am working my program I will be happy.
It is for all of this that I am truely grateful. I really am. I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain these last few days - this last weekend, even for several hours today. Never-the-less, I feel good, I feel content. Everything in my life right now is okay. It is fine. I live in a wonderful house, have an excellent roommate, just had coffee and excellent conversation with two wonderful friends at Macy's, listened to some excellent music, came home and wrote this - was inspired to write this to a wonderful beautiful person - you know who you are. And all is well. I am grateful. Thank you God.
It is through 12 step that I am understanding gratitude and how absolutely wonderful gratitude can be. Six months ago, I so did not get it! I will say though that all the seeds had been planted by that time. That's is what 12 step has done for me personally It has allowed me to believe for at the very least brief periods of time that every thing will be okay and therefore I do not need to seek the services of a prostitute or a 12 pack of beer hit of crack to "feel like every thing will be okay." It's much better than that; I know everything will be okay!
Join us for our next episode when we confront the question:
This is an essay question, isn't it? Is there partial credit?
Okay, enough with being a smart ass. As I said in the comments, 12 step programs have helped me to become more spiritual. This is what 12 step programs are all about becoming spiritual. Alcoholics Anonymous is a "spiritual program of action." This really turns a lot of people off. But I was at my wits end. So, me being an atheist decided that I needed to disspence with the arrogance and consider spirtuallity as a possible solution. Notice I say spirtuallity and not religion, Jesus Christ, Budha, Reverend Jim Jones, Big Bad Bob the Albino, or any cult or anything like that.
Prior to this I thought all that God stuff Budha stuff and the like was for the weak minded. However, I now look at it in a different light. Here is my reasoning:
The 12 step program is a way of dealing with addiction to Alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it. I believe my addiction stems from anxiety, fear, loneliness, and/or psychological pain in general. I believe this psychological pain comes from the uncertainty of survival. In other words, I am literally afraid for my life. For me, every pain I have can be traced back to my fear for survival.
The way I calm this fear is to drink, drug, have sex, you name it. In these conditions, I literally gain serenity. That's what you get when drink, That's what I get when I have sex, especially after. In fact, that's what I get when I am accepted by that very special someone who I believe is the answer to my dreams, who makes me feel needed, who makes me feel loved. When I don't have this, my survival is in question.
I understand that my survival depends on my ability to produce at work. Well, what if I don't like my work. That's kind of a problem. The other thing is that my ability to produce at work is subject to opinion. Do the people that sign my paycheck value the work I do. All these things kind of come into play. Add to this that I was told from the time I was born that I was a worthless shit and a dumb bastard. So right off the bat, I don't believe I have the ability to produce. I don't believe I have value to other people. But it is through other people that my survival depends on. This is a lot of fucking pain to deal with. I think I'll have a drink. I think I'll see a prostitute. - or whatever. Once I do this I get some sense of "everything being okay" for a little while. This sense of "everything being okay." is almost euphoric compared to the standard, "I have no right to be alive." or "at any moment my life is going to go into the shitter." I learn very quickly that Alcohol, drugs, sex makes me feel okay in this very uncertain world.
The spirtuallity aspect tells us that in a very natural way, all of us will be cared for. Once you gain a "visceral" understanding of this you then get the same thing that you got artificially through seeing prostitutes, having the nice car, taking drugs, buying lots of stuff, eating, or what ever.
The thing of it is, is that "ALL OF US WILL BE CARED FOR BY A HIGHER POWER" as long as we work this spiritual program of action. Yes, it is contingent on you working the program, the 12 steps. I have found this to be true so far. I must have faith though.
To me when I first heard this I thought that this kind of sounds like "motherhood and apple pie" and crap like that. But I am finding that this is the case - when I work the program. Because it is when I work the program that I can then really start to believe on a very basic/fundamental level that everything will be okay. So there is no need to fuck over my neighbor. There is no need to be disrespectful to women. There is no "need" to have the nicest car. There is no need to send my kids to "the best schools" in order to keep up with the Dasouza's (My wife's neighbors) No, everything is fine just as it is.
Okay, I am not there yet. Very few of us are but this is my goal. I have seen glimpses of this. I have had real tangible experiences with this to know that this is what I definitely need to be doing. This is why when my wife says, I want everything you have and I do not want you to have any type of a life after our divorce, I say in responce, I will try to meet you as closely on this as I possibly can. I know that what she wants is not in line with spiritual principles and I know that I will be taken care of. What happens to her and what she ultimately gets is her own business. But mine is that, after all is said and done, as long as I am working my program I will be happy.
It is for all of this that I am truely grateful. I really am. I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain these last few days - this last weekend, even for several hours today. Never-the-less, I feel good, I feel content. Everything in my life right now is okay. It is fine. I live in a wonderful house, have an excellent roommate, just had coffee and excellent conversation with two wonderful friends at Macy's, listened to some excellent music, came home and wrote this - was inspired to write this to a wonderful beautiful person - you know who you are. And all is well. I am grateful. Thank you God.
It is through 12 step that I am understanding gratitude and how absolutely wonderful gratitude can be. Six months ago, I so did not get it! I will say though that all the seeds had been planted by that time. That's is what 12 step has done for me personally It has allowed me to believe for at the very least brief periods of time that every thing will be okay and therefore I do not need to seek the services of a prostitute or a 12 pack of beer hit of crack to "feel like every thing will be okay." It's much better than that; I know everything will be okay!
Join us for our next episode when we confront the question:
"Who is this "God" person anyway?"
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Murder
I don't want this anger burning in me
It's something from which it's so hard to be free
And all the tears that we cry in sorrow or rage
Could make any difference or turn back the page.
It's something from which it's so hard to be free
And all the tears that we cry in sorrow or rage
Could make any difference or turn back the page.
Get me away from this crazy fucking bitch!
Take me away Elizabeth. I can not sit with myself.
Let's run away you and I. Let's leave just us. Let's go to Africa like you said when we talked briefly.
I know I could make it on my own if I try.
but I'm lookin' for a great heart to stand me by
underneath the African sky
a great heart to stand me by.
She has told me to fuck off and die in a "round about" sort of way. She wants everything and wants me to have nothing. She is coming after me like an animal. I am scared. Do I fight or flight. I can't sit with myself. I want to do one of the two. All I can do is sit and wait for her to ring the bell to begin the fight.
Find me Elizabeth. Find me as soon as possible.
Get me away from this crazy bitch. Let her die in her own fucking excrement like she deserves.
Get me away from her. Please find me and get me away from her!!!!
I screamed these words. I screamed them at the sky. But I got nothing. I still sit here waiting for the crazy bitch from hell to attack. I am scared but this is what I set in motion over the last 16 years. This is what I set in motion. There will be no Elizabeth.
Let's run away you and I. Let's leave just us. Let's go to Africa like you said when we talked briefly.
I know I could make it on my own if I try.
but I'm lookin' for a great heart to stand me by
underneath the African sky
a great heart to stand me by.
She has told me to fuck off and die in a "round about" sort of way. She wants everything and wants me to have nothing. She is coming after me like an animal. I am scared. Do I fight or flight. I can't sit with myself. I want to do one of the two. All I can do is sit and wait for her to ring the bell to begin the fight.
Find me Elizabeth. Find me as soon as possible.
Get me away from this crazy bitch. Let her die in her own fucking excrement like she deserves.
Get me away from her. Please find me and get me away from her!!!!
I screamed these words. I screamed them at the sky. But I got nothing. I still sit here waiting for the crazy bitch from hell to attack. I am scared but this is what I set in motion over the last 16 years. This is what I set in motion. There will be no Elizabeth.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Give me a sign
by Blind Willie Johnson
In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn
All I want for you to do is take my body home
Well, well, well, so I can die easy (X2)
Jesus, gonna make up my dyin' bed.
Meet me, Jesus, meet me.
Meet me in the middle of the airIf my wings should fail me, Lord.
Please meet me with another pair
Well, well, well, so I can die easy (X2)
Jesus, gonna make up.. somebody, somebody...
Jesus gonna make up...
Jesus gonna make you my dyin' bed
Oh, Saint Peter, i command to live...
Won't you let me in I never did no harm.
I never did no wrong
Oh, Gabriel, let me blow your horn.
Let me blow your horn Oh,
I never did, did no harm.
I've only been this young once.
I never thought I'd do anybody no wrong
No, not once.
Oh, I did somebody some good. Somebody some good...
Oh, did somebody some good. I must have did somebody some good...
Oh, I believe I did
I see the smiling faces
I know I must have left some traces
And I see them in the streets
And I see them in the field
And I hear them shouting under my feet
And I know it's got to be real
Oh, Lord, deliver me
All the wrong I've done
You can deliver me,
Lord I only wanted to have some fun.
Hear the angels marchin', hear the' marchin', hear them marchin', hear them marchin', the' marchin'
Oh my Jesus... (repeat)
Oh, don't you make it my dyin', dyin', dyin'...cough
Given a sign
(Studio Chatter: "That's gonna be the one, Andy""Come have a listen, then. " Oh yes, thank you.")
Scared, yet again
Could you talk to my wife? Just kidding.
She has every logical reason to want to go.
I am living in a world of fear today. My wife has made it known that she wants every thing I have. She does not want me to have a life after the divorce. She essentially wants me dead. I am so fucking scared I can't think straight.
I think I could either get so scared that I could commit suicide
or I could get so angry I could commit suicide.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
That thing I wrote about falling through the ice, I feel like I am in the water right now. You along with all the other people I know here in flagstaff are cheering me on. But you guys really can't do anything. It is next to impossible to rescue somebody that has fallen through the ice I think. I mean if your just dressed normal. It is extremely risky for the would be rescuer, if not really stupid. So all anybody can really do is just watch, kind of cheer me on and hope I make it. But I think my arms are starting to slow down as the hypothermia sets in.
If the next communiqué I get from her is through a lawyer I am going to just listen to the bubbles as I fall asleep.
She has every logical reason to want to go.
I am living in a world of fear today. My wife has made it known that she wants every thing I have. She does not want me to have a life after the divorce. She essentially wants me dead. I am so fucking scared I can't think straight.
I think I could either get so scared that I could commit suicide
or I could get so angry I could commit suicide.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
That thing I wrote about falling through the ice, I feel like I am in the water right now. You along with all the other people I know here in flagstaff are cheering me on. But you guys really can't do anything. It is next to impossible to rescue somebody that has fallen through the ice I think. I mean if your just dressed normal. It is extremely risky for the would be rescuer, if not really stupid. So all anybody can really do is just watch, kind of cheer me on and hope I make it. But I think my arms are starting to slow down as the hypothermia sets in.
If the next communiqué I get from her is through a lawyer I am going to just listen to the bubbles as I fall asleep.
I need to stop
thinking.
My mind comes up with all these thoughts. These hideous scary thoughts. about her, about what she is doing, about how angry she may be.
My mind comes up with all these thoughts. These hideous scary thoughts. about her, about what she is doing, about how angry she may be.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
On a mountain half way between Reno and Rome
Mary Jane suggested I make a photo album or some type of scrap book that symolizes my good bye to you. Actually, the following idea occurred to me at christmas and that was to take a bicycle ride. It would be the bicycle ride that Scott Richards and I took at the beginning of our college education. It was from Columbus Ohio to Wadsworth. I plan to do this starting June 9th. The actual bike ride will take place on June 12th. It was either June 12th or july 12th that we got married. I don't want to know anymore. I know it was on the 12th and it was one of those summer "J" month. But I am now really trying to forget. Back then Colorado was just one of those big square states out west. I want to put Colorado back into that frame of reference. I will never live there again. It will be a long long time before I go back, if ever. I will forget. I will bury. My bicycle ride is the ground breaking ceremony for the hole I am going to dig to bury the past 16 years.
After Mary Jane made the suggestion, the rest of the plan became crystal clear. I am taking my video camera. Halfway between Reno and Ro . . wait no different story. (See even when I am crying I still have a sense of humor) Almost dead smack at the halfway point is a beautiful sandstone church with a beautiful shade tree. As Scott and I sat under that shade tree many years ago almost too many to count now, we agreed to come back when we were "old" you know like 35. I plan to sit under that shade tree again. After I am done resting, I will get back on my bike, I will leave the church, Scott, and my wedding band behind.
After Mary Jane made the suggestion, the rest of the plan became crystal clear. I am taking my video camera. Halfway between Reno and Ro . . wait no different story. (See even when I am crying I still have a sense of humor) Almost dead smack at the halfway point is a beautiful sandstone church with a beautiful shade tree. As Scott and I sat under that shade tree many years ago almost too many to count now, we agreed to come back when we were "old" you know like 35. I plan to sit under that shade tree again. After I am done resting, I will get back on my bike, I will leave the church, Scott, and my wedding band behind.
My Friend Scott
My friend Scott and I first met in 6th grade. We both played trumpet. I started sixth grade at Valley View Elementary School. One morning at the end of trumpet lessons, Mr. Baldwin, or Sarge as we would later come to refer to him, told us to show up the following morning at Central Junior High School at 7:30 in the morning to play in "Band"
The following morning my mom took me down town and dropped me off. I went into the back of the school to the band room. My mom knew where it was because she had taken my sister there four years previously. Mr Baldwin called out names one at a time to seat us in our respective chairs. He not only directed Senior high concert and marching bands but he also taught all beginning brass lessons all over Wadsworth. This consisted of 5 elementary schools. There were 4 trumpet players at valley view. There were probably 4 trumpet players at Isham, Franklin, Lincoln, and Overlook. Sarge must have already ranked all twenty of us. He called us out in order of chair and seat, first chair first seat, first chair second seat, second chair first seat, and so on. I think I was second chair first seat and Scott who was from Overlook was second chair second seat. We sat down and talked a little bit wondering what this was all about. He seemed like an affable kind of character. I thought he isn't so bad I kind of like him.
And so started my friendship with Scott.
I miss you Scott. I miss you alot.
The following morning my mom took me down town and dropped me off. I went into the back of the school to the band room. My mom knew where it was because she had taken my sister there four years previously. Mr Baldwin called out names one at a time to seat us in our respective chairs. He not only directed Senior high concert and marching bands but he also taught all beginning brass lessons all over Wadsworth. This consisted of 5 elementary schools. There were 4 trumpet players at valley view. There were probably 4 trumpet players at Isham, Franklin, Lincoln, and Overlook. Sarge must have already ranked all twenty of us. He called us out in order of chair and seat, first chair first seat, first chair second seat, second chair first seat, and so on. I think I was second chair first seat and Scott who was from Overlook was second chair second seat. We sat down and talked a little bit wondering what this was all about. He seemed like an affable kind of character. I thought he isn't so bad I kind of like him.
And so started my friendship with Scott.
I miss you Scott. I miss you alot.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Relief
I can't let it go. I get paniced. I notice that I keep sucking in large amounts of air to compensate for me holding my breath. I think that I am literally forgetting to breath. Everytime I think about the future, I forget to breath.
I am out here in the lake. The crack in the thin ice has propogated to the shore and in an instant I am cold and wet. I am uncomfortable and irritated. All I want to do is get out of this and go home. I attempt to swim to the shore but the ice is in the way. I try to get up on the ice but I can't. I see people on the shore. I here a couple of people say, "Come on Floyd! Come on!" Ibegin to grab more desperately at the ice. "Ata boy, We're rootin' for ya. You got it Floyd, you're so close." I am flailing in the icy water. Everybody is on the banks cheering me on. I grab at the ice's edge but my hands just slip right off. The panic increases. "Go Floyd Go!" yells the crowd I try to grab at the ice with my finger nails. "Yes, that's it you can do it!" from voices in the crowd. The ice is to hard. "Come on Floyd you can do it!" the voices swell again. I grab at the ice only this time a little slower. I try to dig in again with my fingernails. I break one off; the pain is excruciating. "Aww Floyd" The crowd yells in disappointment. I make another attempt but the cold water is taking it's toll I am getting slower and slower. I am loosing strength. I can no longer raise my arms above the water. There are no more cheers only sighs of disappointment. I look to the shore. I only see the backs of the people walking away. It is getting more and more quiet. "Well, he gave it a good try anyway." The voice dwindles off into the distance. My arms have stopped. I can't move them. I can't move my legs. The shore is empty and quiet as my head slips below the waterline for the last time. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I continue to sink into the cold murky depth of the icewater pond. I notice myself becoming incredibly sleepy. I can hear the muffled sound of bubbles drifting off into the distance as I fall asleep. Relief
I am out here in the lake. The crack in the thin ice has propogated to the shore and in an instant I am cold and wet. I am uncomfortable and irritated. All I want to do is get out of this and go home. I attempt to swim to the shore but the ice is in the way. I try to get up on the ice but I can't. I see people on the shore. I here a couple of people say, "Come on Floyd! Come on!" Ibegin to grab more desperately at the ice. "Ata boy, We're rootin' for ya. You got it Floyd, you're so close." I am flailing in the icy water. Everybody is on the banks cheering me on. I grab at the ice's edge but my hands just slip right off. The panic increases. "Go Floyd Go!" yells the crowd I try to grab at the ice with my finger nails. "Yes, that's it you can do it!" from voices in the crowd. The ice is to hard. "Come on Floyd you can do it!" the voices swell again. I grab at the ice only this time a little slower. I try to dig in again with my fingernails. I break one off; the pain is excruciating. "Aww Floyd" The crowd yells in disappointment. I make another attempt but the cold water is taking it's toll I am getting slower and slower. I am loosing strength. I can no longer raise my arms above the water. There are no more cheers only sighs of disappointment. I look to the shore. I only see the backs of the people walking away. It is getting more and more quiet. "Well, he gave it a good try anyway." The voice dwindles off into the distance. My arms have stopped. I can't move them. I can't move my legs. The shore is empty and quiet as my head slips below the waterline for the last time. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I continue to sink into the cold murky depth of the icewater pond. I notice myself becoming incredibly sleepy. I can hear the muffled sound of bubbles drifting off into the distance as I fall asleep. Relief
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Macy's Sunday Morning
I am sitting at Macy's this morning. They have an internet connection here that allows me to post to my blog and send e-mails and stuff like that. It is kind of neat - until my battery runs out.
It is a regular "fern bar" type of place rich in that "open butthole" atmosphere. I will leave it to the reader to interpret the analogies to their liking or disliking - whatever the case may be. On Saturday and Sunday mornings it is the "happenin'" place to be. When school is in, students from the local college are here with their laptops, yuppies and yuppy families show up on bicycles or in their landrovers or hummers. In the winter this is a stopping off point for that totally organic, hormone free, msg free asperagus tofu brownie.
I guess what really pisses me off is that the coffee really is good and the all organic vegan pastries are really good. This of course make them suspect as to whether they really are organic and vegan. They sell art here primarily photographs taken by one of the owners. The photographs are politically charged "staged or contrived" pictures which don't particularly appeal to me. I like natural and/or candid photos. Anyway that is Macy's.
It is a regular "fern bar" type of place rich in that "open butthole" atmosphere. I will leave it to the reader to interpret the analogies to their liking or disliking - whatever the case may be. On Saturday and Sunday mornings it is the "happenin'" place to be. When school is in, students from the local college are here with their laptops, yuppies and yuppy families show up on bicycles or in their landrovers or hummers. In the winter this is a stopping off point for that totally organic, hormone free, msg free asperagus tofu brownie.
I guess what really pisses me off is that the coffee really is good and the all organic vegan pastries are really good. This of course make them suspect as to whether they really are organic and vegan. They sell art here primarily photographs taken by one of the owners. The photographs are politically charged "staged or contrived" pictures which don't particularly appeal to me. I like natural and/or candid photos. Anyway that is Macy's.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The program depends on
people with the same problem working together. This is the necessity of the meetings. A person's "sobriety" depends on them have a sponser to help or rather walk with them through the 12 steps.
Love Addiction
Thinking you can't live with out someone. Obsessing over that person. That is love addiction.
SLAA is a 12 step program to help people break their addiction to sex and relationships. The program is modeled after the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous but is in no way affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. It is most definitely not a place to meet sexual partners.
In my village, SLAA deals primarily with unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships might be when you loose one relationship and then immediately go into the next or mistake having sex for love or using sex to stay in or get into a relationship. The other part of the addiction is the "S" part which is obsessively view pornography, seeing prostitutes, womanizing, objectifying women or men, etc.
We meet every Saturday night. I have to be very careful at this meeting but it is a good one for me to go to, especially right now. The last thing I need to be doing is medicating the loss of my wife with another relationship only to find out that it is no better than the one I just came from.
At these meetings we share our experience strength and hope. We relate this experience strength and hope to the core of the program - the 12 steps. These 12 steps are:
SLAA is a 12 step program to help people break their addiction to sex and relationships. The program is modeled after the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous but is in no way affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. It is most definitely not a place to meet sexual partners.
In my village, SLAA deals primarily with unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships might be when you loose one relationship and then immediately go into the next or mistake having sex for love or using sex to stay in or get into a relationship. The other part of the addiction is the "S" part which is obsessively view pornography, seeing prostitutes, womanizing, objectifying women or men, etc.
We meet every Saturday night. I have to be very careful at this meeting but it is a good one for me to go to, especially right now. The last thing I need to be doing is medicating the loss of my wife with another relationship only to find out that it is no better than the one I just came from.
At these meetings we share our experience strength and hope. We relate this experience strength and hope to the core of the program - the 12 steps. These 12 steps are:
- We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Please God,
Don't let the fear overtake me. Please take away the burdens of self so that I may better serve thee. Relieve me of my troubles as victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.
Don't let the fear over take me.
Amen
Floyd.
Don't let the fear overtake me. Please take away the burdens of self so that I may better serve thee. Relieve me of my troubles as victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.
Don't let the fear over take me.
Amen
Floyd.
Taking Refuge in Mary
I seem to be medicating the loss of current relationship with a relationship of the past. I am not sure if this is good or bad.
I think my ideal woman would be somebody like Edie Brickell.
I think my ideal woman would be somebody like Edie Brickell.
The Right Side
L-mode is a step-by-step style of thinking, using words, numbers and other symbols. L-mode strings things out in sequences, like words in a sentence. R-mode on the other hand, uses visual information and processes, not step-by-step, but all at once, like recognizing the face of a friend.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I have to admit
the sight of you makes the right side of my brain tingle (hmmm? wonder what that's about?)
The California Dessert,
Boebee doll, Big Jim Picato, baby, and me and you.
The Dawn is breaking
a light shining through
You're barely waking
and I am tangled up in you.
I worry I wont't see your face
Light up again.
The plummet into depression begins
The Dawn is breaking
a light shining through
You're barely waking
and I am tangled up in you.
6:00 am November 22, 2005
I worry I wont't see your face
Light up again.
the worry is over - I'll never see your face light up again.
The plummet into depression begins
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
There is something about Mary
The first crush I ever had on a girl was with a girl named "Mary" from about 8th grade through my senior year in highschool. I lost my virginity to a woman named Mary. The first woman that I actually dated, her name was Mary. The one I lost my virginity to, well, we just had sex. Much to my surprise that was a very unsatisfying and intensly painful relationship. Never-the-less, that time of my life was the most wonderous and most beautiful time of my life.
The song, "Air of December" by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians reminds me of Mary, My age 25, she 38. What a time. I thougth that one day I would write about it. I have never been able to put into words the time that it was. I listened to "Air of December" compulsively during that time. The words and the music reflect what my head was like at the time. I mean, I swear I remember it that way."
Thursday afternoon
You cast a shadow 'round my room.
The breeze moved the curtains,
and lifted my perfume into the air,
and danced with lazy curls in your hair.
The sun was in the sky like pink champagne,
and it glistened in your eyes all day.
I remember you put a chill across my face
like the air of december,
I swear I remember it that way.
I swear I remember it that way,
I swear I remember it...
Where are you now?(x3)
You stood by the lake,I wanted to take you for granted.
The grass was thin and high.
The water mirrored tiny sparkles to the sky.
I remember you
put a chill across my face
like the air of december,
I swear I remember it that way.
I swear I remember it that way,
I swear I remember it...
Where are you now?(x3)
In the by-myself mornings,
the birds windchime,
the treelimbs crackle
and the sunshine climbs up the sky..
Like the pink champagne that glistened in your eyes all day.
I remember you
put a chill across my face
like the air of december,
I swear I remember it that way.
I swear I remember it that way,
I swear I remember it...
Where are you now?(x3)
March 26th 1989 - (it was a pretty big deal for me because I thought it was never going to happen. I thought that type of activity was only for the pretty people - not me.) So, yes, I remember the date and almost everything about the experience.
These were the really major songs that I obsessively and compulsively listened to during the "Time of Mary"
The song, "Air of December" by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians reminds me of Mary, My age 25, she 38. What a time. I thougth that one day I would write about it. I have never been able to put into words the time that it was. I listened to "Air of December" compulsively during that time. The words and the music reflect what my head was like at the time. I mean, I swear I remember it that way."
Thursday afternoon
You cast a shadow 'round my room.
The breeze moved the curtains,
and lifted my perfume into the air,
and danced with lazy curls in your hair.
The sun was in the sky like pink champagne,
and it glistened in your eyes all day.
I remember you put a chill across my face
like the air of december,
I swear I remember it that way.
I swear I remember it that way,
I swear I remember it...
Where are you now?(x3)
You stood by the lake,I wanted to take you for granted.
The grass was thin and high.
The water mirrored tiny sparkles to the sky.
I remember you
put a chill across my face
like the air of december,
I swear I remember it that way.
I swear I remember it that way,
I swear I remember it...
Where are you now?(x3)
In the by-myself mornings,
the birds windchime,
the treelimbs crackle
and the sunshine climbs up the sky..
Like the pink champagne that glistened in your eyes all day.
I remember you
put a chill across my face
like the air of december,
I swear I remember it that way.
I swear I remember it that way,
I swear I remember it...
Where are you now?(x3)
March 26th 1989 - (it was a pretty big deal for me because I thought it was never going to happen. I thought that type of activity was only for the pretty people - not me.) So, yes, I remember the date and almost everything about the experience.
These were the really major songs that I obsessively and compulsively listened to during the "Time of Mary"
- Warrant - Where the down boys go, - only because the drummer, Steve Chamberlain, I knew since kindergarten
Steven Sweet (Steven Chamberlain), is a drummer who is most famous for being a member of Warrant. Before Warrant he was in Plain Jane with Jani Lane, who he was also in Warrant with.
Steven Sweet replaced original Warrant drummer Max Asher.
After Warrant's Dog Eat Dog, Steven Sweet was fired from Warrant, though he did continue to record as a drummer on other projects. He has since rejoined Warrant.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Sweet"
I actually grew up with Steve. His older brother, Dave, still remains a friend from kindergarten. we both went to Valley View Elementary School, then Wadsworth Middle School, then Wadsworth Senior High. Dave owns a production studio called DBW productions in Encino California
- Windham Hill Electronic Sampler - Soul of the Machine.
- Genesis - Home by the Sea - 2nd Home by the Sea.
- Windham Hill Sampler 1981
So much for the Division Bell
Pink Floyd's "Division Bell" came out just prior to the day we got married. We rode our motorcycles to Telluride. On the north side of town at the end of Aspen St. there is Dakota St. that takes off to the left. At the end of that street is the Jud Webe trail. Several hundred feet down the end of that trail is a foot bridge that crosses Cornet Creek. We got married by the J.P. of Telluride on this bridge. There I spoke words that I thought would bind us for our lives.
But even then I knew. Even then it was at the back of my mind that I had a problem. The crack was there. It was noticeable at that time. The crack could be seen with the naked eye under normal lighting conditions. I knew.
(I don't know if writing about this stuff helps me to do this or not. I think it might help. I don't know)
But even then I knew. Even then it was at the back of my mind that I had a problem. The crack was there. It was noticeable at that time. The crack could be seen with the naked eye under normal lighting conditions. I knew.
(I don't know if writing about this stuff helps me to do this or not. I think it might help. I don't know)
Mother will she tear your little boy apart.
Mother, do you think she's good enough For me?
Mother, do you think she's dangerous To me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?
Well, the street goes both ways. Now don't it?
Mother, do you think he's good enough For me?
Mother, do you think he's dangerous To me?
Mother will she tear your little girl apart?
Mother, will he break my heart?
I did this to her to the point that she eventually she had to do it to me.
So, here I sit.
Mother, do you think she's dangerous To me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?
Well, the street goes both ways. Now don't it?
Mother, do you think he's good enough For me?
Mother, do you think he's dangerous To me?
Mother will she tear your little girl apart?
Mother, will he break my heart?
I did this to her to the point that she eventually she had to do it to me.
So, here I sit.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
To the ex
Sometimes I wonder if you are in pain.
Sometimes I wonder if you just like people to think you are in pain.
Although you don't act as if you are in pain.
Nothing that you writen even hints that you are in pain.
Not like some things that I have read recently.
I am in pain.
Sometimes.
I anesthetise my pain with my addiction.
only the milder forms these days.
Thank You God.
Sometimes I wonder if you just like people to think you are in pain.
Although you don't act as if you are in pain.
Nothing that you writen even hints that you are in pain.
Not like some things that I have read recently.
I am in pain.
Sometimes.
I anesthetise my pain with my addiction.
only the milder forms these days.
Thank You God.
The Far Side of Hill
Traditional
I was born for roaming
Guess I always will
I wonder if it's greener
On the far side of that hill
Hey Dan look down yonder
There's earth and green and sky.
I know we could get on down there
In the battin' of an eye
And further west's an ocean
A miner told me so,
And the sun it shines so brightly
It scares off winter snow
But Dan sometimes I'm tiered
Sometimes I'm lonesome too
Sometimes I see a farmer
Walking slow when day is through
And I know he's got a woman
waitin' supper everyday
and I curse this wanderin' feelin'
that stole my life away.
Yes I was born for raomin
guess I always will
I wonder if it's greener
on the far side of that hill
Yes, I wonder if it's greener
on the far side of that hill.
I wished I knew the reason
God does the way he does
And why he keeps me moving
from a dream that never even was
The Theory of Failure
My dad believes I am a failure or at least believes that I did not work hard enough at my marriage. He believes that when ever you quit anything, whenever you give up, you are a looser. My dad will work on a project 24/7 until he completely fucks it up beyond any chance for repair. His philosophy is keep on working on it. To stop is to admit defeat. To even take a break is to admit defeat.
disturbing and disturbed
You don't get it do you?
Do you understand the affect that you had on mom? Do you understand the profound level of fear she lived in through out her life. Do you understand that her entire universe, all that was to her and all that she was came directly from you. She had absolutely no identity of her own. Her entire concept of being was attached to you. She didn't live to go to flea markets. She didn't live to collect tools. In fact do you even know what was important to her? I would bet you have no idea of what was and what wasn't important to her. I can tell you that she hated going to flea markets. I can tell you that she lived to come out to Colorado.
Her very survival was completely attached to you. If there was even the hint of loosing you she would go into a state of panic and shock. When you got angry with her and pulled your passive agressive bullshit with her that state of panic, shock, and terror jumped in orders of magnitude.
While I don't believe my ex-wife was nearly dependent on me because she was the one to actually file, she was dependent never the less and because of this dependency I was able to do the same things to her that you did to mom. Do you understand that mom's enlarged heart was born out of stress - not smoking, not eating the wrong things, not watching too many episodes of Phil Donahue. No, it was stress. Where did the stress come from? - Fear. What was the fear all about. The fear was all about not being able to please you and loosing you.
The only reason I am as fucked up as I am is because you stuck around.
Do you understand the affect that you had on mom? Do you understand the profound level of fear she lived in through out her life. Do you understand that her entire universe, all that was to her and all that she was came directly from you. She had absolutely no identity of her own. Her entire concept of being was attached to you. She didn't live to go to flea markets. She didn't live to collect tools. In fact do you even know what was important to her? I would bet you have no idea of what was and what wasn't important to her. I can tell you that she hated going to flea markets. I can tell you that she lived to come out to Colorado.
Her very survival was completely attached to you. If there was even the hint of loosing you she would go into a state of panic and shock. When you got angry with her and pulled your passive agressive bullshit with her that state of panic, shock, and terror jumped in orders of magnitude.
While I don't believe my ex-wife was nearly dependent on me because she was the one to actually file, she was dependent never the less and because of this dependency I was able to do the same things to her that you did to mom. Do you understand that mom's enlarged heart was born out of stress - not smoking, not eating the wrong things, not watching too many episodes of Phil Donahue. No, it was stress. Where did the stress come from? - Fear. What was the fear all about. The fear was all about not being able to please you and loosing you.
The only reason I am as fucked up as I am is because you stuck around.
I think it is important to understand. . .
that not too many people let alone men are willing to take a deep look at themselves, continually work a process of self discovery to find and illuminate one's character defects then look them squarely in the face and strive to eliminate them. Those kinds of people are typically found in the rooms of just about any 12 step program such as A.A.
For some reason, I am having a moment of self righteousness - a character defect!.
For some reason, I am having a moment of self righteousness - a character defect!.
The "land mine"
On sunday, I ran across a note that was written in one of my journals. It read:
"Me and the boys really liked having you home this weekend, Hope you made it back to flag Smooch xxx/ooo"
It was neatly tucked away in a pile of papers in a box that I was cleaning out. I remember cutting the page out of my journal right after I got back from Thanksgiving. Did I tell you what happened at thanksgiving? If not, I probably should. Anyway, at the time, I wasn't thinking that we'd actually get a divorce. I put it in the pile of papers filed it away in the filing box only to open up on Sunday the 14th. It was like hitting a land mine. In fact, I think I might have even seen the compression wave emenating from that little note prior to hitting my psyche and when it hit, it left nothing in its wake.
"Me and the boys really liked having you home this weekend, Hope you made it back to flag Smooch xxx/ooo"
It was neatly tucked away in a pile of papers in a box that I was cleaning out. I remember cutting the page out of my journal right after I got back from Thanksgiving. Did I tell you what happened at thanksgiving? If not, I probably should. Anyway, at the time, I wasn't thinking that we'd actually get a divorce. I put it in the pile of papers filed it away in the filing box only to open up on Sunday the 14th. It was like hitting a land mine. In fact, I think I might have even seen the compression wave emenating from that little note prior to hitting my psyche and when it hit, it left nothing in its wake.
Friday, May 12, 2006
My Drawing of Max & Ginger
What will you do with the picture I drew of you.The time was troubled and I don't know why.
I think I saw what was supposed to be
Maybe what I saw is what was to be
This vision that I saw I didn't like
I resented this vision I resented this outcome
I fought it so hard. I fought with all my might
Until I ended up cuffed in the back of a squad car
Unitl I found myself in the wee hours of the morning
relinquishing my belt, wallet, the contents of my pockets and even my shoe laces
to a really nice old hippie at the psychiatric hospital.
What will you do with the picture I drew of you.
you and Alex unaware of what was to come
blissfully sleeping in the chair content with all that was
Alex feeling the comfortable warmth of his mother.
You feeling the steady rhythm of your newborn's breath
The start of life and the hope of all that could be lay upon your chest
We were so different then.
Unaware
There was pain but we were unaware.
Both of us were lost and neither of us knew it.
And we continued on.
What will you do with the picture I drew of you
Will you keep it on the wall
Bury it in a drawer under old underwear
Or just throw it in the trash
Will you mail it back to me
Unceremoniously in a plain brown package
Or ceremoniously in a plain brown package
After you have smashed it to pieces
All these possibilities scare me.
Except the first.
I am afraid of the feelings I will have.
I am afraid how hurt I will be.
What will you do with the picture I drew of you.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
From a Friend on My Plight
It sounds like both of you are really trying hard to stay on good terms. Good for you!
Feeling out of control is a great springboard for humility & surrender. Don't forget when the fear comes up, there is something you can do: You can realize your life & feelings are unmanageable and turn them over. The fact that we can't control & manage our lives, and that we finally realize this, is one of our greatest blessings. For me, it's the only thing that can finally enable me to surrender. God DOES do for us what we cannot do for ourselves when we let go & give it a chance. Did I ever give you the Emmet Fox "Golden Key" booklet? It basically says whenever you start thinking about a problem, set your mind on God. You'll probably have a thousand chances a day. You are walking through VERY fertile ground for spiritual empowerment. You are one fortunate guy!
Getting Ready For You To Punch Me In The Nose Soon,
T-
Feeling out of control is a great springboard for humility & surrender. Don't forget when the fear comes up, there is something you can do: You can realize your life & feelings are unmanageable and turn them over. The fact that we can't control & manage our lives, and that we finally realize this, is one of our greatest blessings. For me, it's the only thing that can finally enable me to surrender. God DOES do for us what we cannot do for ourselves when we let go & give it a chance. Did I ever give you the Emmet Fox "Golden Key" booklet? It basically says whenever you start thinking about a problem, set your mind on God. You'll probably have a thousand chances a day. You are walking through VERY fertile ground for spiritual empowerment. You are one fortunate guy!
Getting Ready For You To Punch Me In The Nose Soon,
T-
I spend my days
crafting and sculpting the e-mails so they say just the right thing. What is the right thing? I don't know. I guess the right thing is anything I write where I am honest about my motives. For instance, If I want to say something inflammatory, and I know that it is inflammatory, and that is my true intention, then it is okay to go ahead and send it. But to send something that is inflammatory and send it under the guise of "information." is not the right thing to do.
So every word has to be selected just so. Every sentence reviewed and reviewed again for “true” or “honest” intent. I do not have the luxury of anger anymore. Anger will only hurt my efforts to come out of this thing in the best possible way. Typically my anger usually means I am trying to hide something that is hurting me. I either need to feel the hurt, sadness, and/or disappointment.
You got to Pray
If you want to make it today.
This coming from me, a not too long ago devout atheist or agnostic heavily swayed to the atheist's view.
This coming from me, a not too long ago devout atheist or agnostic heavily swayed to the atheist's view.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
A note on "She Said,"
T's point is well taken but who knows what will happen and how strong I am. Typically this has never been a problem for me. Women like Elizabeth have never been interested or attracted to me. That is why I say I gotta keep my wits about me. I don't need to be dropped on my head by anybody else other than my wife right now.
I have always been afraid of women like Elizabeth. They seem to be on a different level than me. They are on what I call "the pretty people" level. I think I have put my wife into the pretty people category. Being in the pretty people category is not necessarily a good thing. There is an element of falsness. They aren't real. Although, the last couple of sunday night meetings as Elizabeth and I have talked she is definitely losing pretty people status.
This is going to be dangerous, I am going to listen to Howie Day's song "Collide." This was me and my wife the morning of November 22nd.
I have always been afraid of women like Elizabeth. They seem to be on a different level than me. They are on what I call "the pretty people" level. I think I have put my wife into the pretty people category. Being in the pretty people category is not necessarily a good thing. There is an element of falsness. They aren't real. Although, the last couple of sunday night meetings as Elizabeth and I have talked she is definitely losing pretty people status.
This is going to be dangerous, I am going to listen to Howie Day's song "Collide." This was me and my wife the morning of November 22nd.
Tried and I tried
but I don't understand
Never seemed to work out the way I had it planned
I find myself looking at a future that is one I had not envisioned. In fact right now, I can’t envision the future at all. I simply do not know what to envision. My mind keeps trying to grapple with this and it just can’t. I stand in this doorway looking out and all I see are unrecognizable faint images enshrouded by the glare of very white bright light. Nothing is clear at this point. Nothing is familiar. I have a lot of fear.
God,
-amen
Never seemed to work out the way I had it planned
I find myself looking at a future that is one I had not envisioned. In fact right now, I can’t envision the future at all. I simply do not know what to envision. My mind keeps trying to grapple with this and it just can’t. I stand in this doorway looking out and all I see are unrecognizable faint images enshrouded by the glare of very white bright light. Nothing is clear at this point. Nothing is familiar. I have a lot of fear.
God,
I give myself to thee to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me from the bondage of self so that I may better serve you. Please take away my troubles as victory over them would bare witness to all those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life may I do thy will always!
-amen
Monday, May 08, 2006
The waterline gets closer.
Well, there was nothing nasty or mean; she did talk about how she wants to go about the divorce. This is the first statement directly from her that says she wants to get a divorce. I let my friend Tara read it at the coffee shop tonight. She broke out into tears. For some reason I felt really bad about that. I wanted to hug her and tell her it was alright. I think it reminded her of her divorce and what once was and now isn't.
It is so unbelievably sad. I rode my bike home from the coffee shop and people told me to be careful and all that crap. Right now, I am invincible. Nothing can kill me. I am just not that lucky. Actually, I don't really feel this way. I believe I am here for a reason and this is part of that reason. I don't necessarily believe I am invincible but it does seem to me that what I am here for is not quite done yet.
Heading into depression
I received the letter and read it while on the phone with MJ. Nothing in it made me angry just incredibly sad. - incredibly sad. I am standing at the doorway to a completely unknown, un-envisioned future; I guess both of us are. My vision of growing into my "old age" has died. I am grieving this loss immensely.
When I woke up with you on the morning of Nov 22nd and you went off to work and I took the kids to school that was it. Then we got into "the accident." You died in that accident. I did not know it as such until just recently. This is the absolute most painful loss in my life.
What makes it worse is that I discovered on Friday that what this boils down to is that you are suing me for divorce. Typically the dead do not sue the people that survive them. Please do not read this the wrong way. I know this is what must be done and I am glad you are able to do it. Frankly, I don’t think I have it in me to sue you for divorce.
My mind goes back to Elizabeth.
From my friend: on Elizabeth. . .
Namaste,
T
When I woke up with you on the morning of Nov 22nd and you went off to work and I took the kids to school that was it. Then we got into "the accident." You died in that accident. I did not know it as such until just recently. This is the absolute most painful loss in my life.
What makes it worse is that I discovered on Friday that what this boils down to is that you are suing me for divorce. Typically the dead do not sue the people that survive them. Please do not read this the wrong way. I know this is what must be done and I am glad you are able to do it. Frankly, I don’t think I have it in me to sue you for divorce.
My mind goes back to Elizabeth.
From my friend: on Elizabeth. . .
Do you think Elizabeth is interested in you? You know, it took me a VERY long time to be comfortable with the idea that I could be on my own without someone in the wings. That "someone in the wings" safety net seemed absolutely essential. You may hate to hear this, but the REAL growth & freedom happened after I allowed the safety net to drop. I really didn't have real peace of mind or feeling of freedom until then.
I'm glad you've gone from the "I'll give R- whatever she wants & needs" stand to seeing that it's ok to take care of yourself. I'll be interested to hear what you hear from MJ this afternoon. I don't think I'll make it tonight to coffee, but I'll let you know if I can.
Namaste,
T
"The Letter"
I got in this morning and got the letter from R-. I didn't read it and am very reluctant to read it myself. I faxed it to my therapist. I think it will send me into an emotional tail spin.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
She said, (grammar and spelling corrected a little bit)
"A-, you are really working! It really shows." - this as I was leaving to get on my bicycle to ride back to the "The Cave." This is the room in which I live. I think I will call it the cave. It is a nice comfortable room at the back of the house. I have all the stuff I really need in this room. I am happy here.
I turned around, it was the distraction. I hate to use that term it sounds so objectifying and I want to do anything but objectify her. But, I don't want to put her name in this blog either. I see her only once a week for maybe an hour to an hour and a half. And at this vulnerable time in my life that is all I need to see her. She is beautiful and has an incredibly cute little boy. She is lovely the way she takes care of him. It is really quite beautiful to watch. It is much like the time, effort, and attention that R- gives our three children.
I will call her Elizabeth. Anyway, Elizabeth seemed to make it a point to talk to me. I was just going to trundle off on my bicycle but she continued, "It sounds so hard what you are going through." I told her that it was through these programs I was getting the help I needed. I am getting the support I need to get through this thing and certainly her comment helped. I don't know if I am getting better, but I am trying to do the next right thing. I do fail at it some times though.
Anyway as we finished our conversation, she said she was glad she got to talk to me. She said she was going back to L.A. to visit her grandmother for mother's day and, if I remember right, she said she was sorry she wasn't going to be here. She said she knew it was going to be rough for me. Maybe this is just wishful fantasy thinking but she did say she knew it would be rough for me. I gotta keep my wits about me on this one. As we parted I believe she said, “I will see you for sure the following week. I hope you are Okay next week."
Okay, so this made my weekend. I mean it really made my weekend for sure! Unfortunately it was real boost in my ego. I hope I am not gaining my value for living through her. I guess it will be good that she will be gone for two weeks. Never-the-less it felt good. It felt like there was caring. It felt like, in general, the universe cared. Thank you God.
I did set up an appt with my friend David. David is a great guy. I really like talking to him. The whole Titanic thing came to me while I was talking with him. I live through metaphor and analogy. This is the way I make sense of life lately. Anyway, I believe I have yammered on long enough.
Here is to Elizabeth, right now she is like the next piece of flotsam to hang on to out here in the ocean. Who knows, maybe out of these humble beginnings that flotsam will turn into a ship. It is unlikely and if I try to make it so I will end up in the same boat I am in now. But she is lovely to think about in a romantic relationship type of way. And it is romantic. No sex.
That is all.
I turned around, it was the distraction. I hate to use that term it sounds so objectifying and I want to do anything but objectify her. But, I don't want to put her name in this blog either. I see her only once a week for maybe an hour to an hour and a half. And at this vulnerable time in my life that is all I need to see her. She is beautiful and has an incredibly cute little boy. She is lovely the way she takes care of him. It is really quite beautiful to watch. It is much like the time, effort, and attention that R- gives our three children.
I will call her Elizabeth. Anyway, Elizabeth seemed to make it a point to talk to me. I was just going to trundle off on my bicycle but she continued, "It sounds so hard what you are going through." I told her that it was through these programs I was getting the help I needed. I am getting the support I need to get through this thing and certainly her comment helped. I don't know if I am getting better, but I am trying to do the next right thing. I do fail at it some times though.
Anyway as we finished our conversation, she said she was glad she got to talk to me. She said she was going back to L.A. to visit her grandmother for mother's day and, if I remember right, she said she was sorry she wasn't going to be here. She said she knew it was going to be rough for me. Maybe this is just wishful fantasy thinking but she did say she knew it would be rough for me. I gotta keep my wits about me on this one. As we parted I believe she said, “I will see you for sure the following week. I hope you are Okay next week."
Okay, so this made my weekend. I mean it really made my weekend for sure! Unfortunately it was real boost in my ego. I hope I am not gaining my value for living through her. I guess it will be good that she will be gone for two weeks. Never-the-less it felt good. It felt like there was caring. It felt like, in general, the universe cared. Thank you God.
I did set up an appt with my friend David. David is a great guy. I really like talking to him. The whole Titanic thing came to me while I was talking with him. I live through metaphor and analogy. This is the way I make sense of life lately. Anyway, I believe I have yammered on long enough.
Here is to Elizabeth, right now she is like the next piece of flotsam to hang on to out here in the ocean. Who knows, maybe out of these humble beginnings that flotsam will turn into a ship. It is unlikely and if I try to make it so I will end up in the same boat I am in now. But she is lovely to think about in a romantic relationship type of way. And it is romantic. No sex.
That is all.
The Underlying Theme
I am afraid for my life. I always have been afraid for my life. From the time the sperm and egg came together I started being afraid for my life.
Right now, I can really get filled with a lot of resentment. And I can not do that. My resentments are what got me here in the first place. Especially when we start talking about money. It's a hit. Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.
Behind the money is fear, fear of what? fear of loosing one's life. Isn't that what all this is about anyway? Why am I an addict? I am an addict because of fear. There are things in my life, in my subconscious that seem to be a matter of life and death. To be sure, I was raised in an environment where the most mundane things could be turned into a matter of life and death.
For instance, I accidentally put a scratch in the door of our Ford Pinto Wagon when I was a kid. I was anywhere from 8 or 12 years old. We were going over to my Aunt Alice's for one of our maniacal family get togethers. This is in Sandusky Ohio. The car was parked in my grand parents' driveway. The driveway was very narrow and had steel poles on the side of it. The doors on a pinto wagon were very long and the pole was about a foot from the door. I opened the door as gently as I could but it was not gentle enough. As we were on our way over there my dad kept getting more and more angry about what had happened. Finally, he pulled over to the side of the road and made me get out and walk the rest of the way. This was, of course, after he threw a complete Styrofoam cooler full of pop (he took out all of the beer) out along side of the road for some reason. The scratch in the side of the door was more important than me. You know, I kind of resent that in some strange warped way.
My dad withdrew his love from me because of that scratch. In so doing, in my mind, he put my survival in jeopardy. Note to self - beware of putting scratches in doors of cars or anything like this. This was as is written by the great poet Floyd another brick in the wall. Also, run away from people that get pissed at you. (as an aside) Run like Hell, another Poem by Floyd.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The Crack in the Damn
I could see the crack in the damn. Over the last few days I could feel it. When Mary Jane told me over the phone that she intended to file in the next few weeks, I could feel the shift, almost like an earthquake.
"No! This is real! It is really happening! How could she do this!? How could she do this to me!?" I keep thinking. My mind keeps trying to wrap itself around this.
"What is there left to live for and why!? I wonder in panic, "I think I need a motorcycle." I distract for a second. I then think. "How in the fuck am I going to get through this!? How will I live through this!? I can't believe this is happening to me!" The terror re-mounts. "Maybe I should buy a new computer." Another brief second of relief.
"Gee, she never even wanted to see what I was doing or if I had changed. We never even started talking again?" I think in a moment of slight resentment. "Just like that, she is gone!" I think in horor and panic.
Then, then, "The woman, Kary, at the Sunday night meeting is absolutely beautiful. I could see myself falling in love with her if I haven't already. The way she gently holds and cradles her son Zach, I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life. You know, she told me that Zach's middle name is Andrew. She said she loves the name Andrew. It is her brother's name. You know, I wonder if I really belong in SLAA? You know, that is just love an relationship crap. My thing is strictly sex. I am perfectly fine with love and relationship stuff. She is so nice and sweet. No No A- you gotta wait no rebound stuff here. Yes, I will wait, I will wait a good long time before I ask her out. Fortunately, I've already got six months under my belt so next week ought to be enough time.
"Just like that she left. There is no recourse. There is nothing left to say, no argument to make. No one or nothing can take her place not Elizabeth, not a motorcycle, not a new computer, not a new car or all of those things put together. And nothing of this even comes close to when I think about the loss albeit temporary of my three wonderful boys. If it were just R-, the crack would be in the dam that makes Chatfield reservoir in Littleton Colorado. Adding the boys to the equation puts that crack in the Hoover dam.
Over the phone Tuesday morning from the office at 671 Grant St in Denver the 50 something year old lady took the pry bar, put it in the crack and pounded on the end of it driving it ever deeper. Then she pushed the pry bar to the side and watched
"A- can you think back to your wedding day with R-? A-, tell me about your wedding day. What happened on that day. What happened the day before. How did you ask her to marry you?" And then with all her might and every last ounce of energy she could muster gave the pry bar the final heave, "Do you remember how you first asked her out. Could you tell me about that?" Then everything below vanished under the furry and froth of the brown deluge. All the cities, towns, side roads, rail road crossings, and bridges all creations natural and not were obliterated in less than seconds.
And the dam gave way. No, this dam is not spelled with an "n"
All that is left seems to be one big silent scream as the tears drip down my face.
"No! This is real! It is really happening! How could she do this!? How could she do this to me!?" I keep thinking. My mind keeps trying to wrap itself around this.
"What is there left to live for and why!? I wonder in panic, "I think I need a motorcycle." I distract for a second. I then think. "How in the fuck am I going to get through this!? How will I live through this!? I can't believe this is happening to me!" The terror re-mounts. "Maybe I should buy a new computer." Another brief second of relief.
"Gee, she never even wanted to see what I was doing or if I had changed. We never even started talking again?" I think in a moment of slight resentment. "Just like that, she is gone!" I think in horor and panic.
Then, then, "The woman, Kary, at the Sunday night meeting is absolutely beautiful. I could see myself falling in love with her if I haven't already. The way she gently holds and cradles her son Zach, I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life. You know, she told me that Zach's middle name is Andrew. She said she loves the name Andrew. It is her brother's name. You know, I wonder if I really belong in SLAA? You know, that is just love an relationship crap. My thing is strictly sex. I am perfectly fine with love and relationship stuff. She is so nice and sweet. No No A- you gotta wait no rebound stuff here. Yes, I will wait, I will wait a good long time before I ask her out. Fortunately, I've already got six months under my belt so next week ought to be enough time.
"Just like that she left. There is no recourse. There is nothing left to say, no argument to make. No one or nothing can take her place not Elizabeth, not a motorcycle, not a new computer, not a new car or all of those things put together. And nothing of this even comes close to when I think about the loss albeit temporary of my three wonderful boys. If it were just R-, the crack would be in the dam that makes Chatfield reservoir in Littleton Colorado. Adding the boys to the equation puts that crack in the Hoover dam.
Over the phone Tuesday morning from the office at 671 Grant St in Denver the 50 something year old lady took the pry bar, put it in the crack and pounded on the end of it driving it ever deeper. Then she pushed the pry bar to the side and watched
"A- can you think back to your wedding day with R-? A-, tell me about your wedding day. What happened on that day. What happened the day before. How did you ask her to marry you?" And then with all her might and every last ounce of energy she could muster gave the pry bar the final heave, "Do you remember how you first asked her out. Could you tell me about that?" Then everything below vanished under the furry and froth of the brown deluge. All the cities, towns, side roads, rail road crossings, and bridges all creations natural and not were obliterated in less than seconds.
And the dam gave way. No, this dam is not spelled with an "n"
All that is left seems to be one big silent scream as the tears drip down my face.
When the night shows
the signals grow on radios
All the strange things
they come and go, as early warnings
Stranded starfish have no place to hide
still waiting for the swollen Easter tide
There's no point in direction we cannot
even choose a side.
I took the old track
the hollow shoulder, across the waters
On the tall cliffs
they were getting older, sons and daughters
The jaded underworld was riding high
Waves of steel hurled metal at the sky
and as the nail sunk in the cloud, the rain
was warm and soaked the crowd.
Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.
When the flood calls
You have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
You're a thousand minds, within a flash
Don't be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there's only you and me
And if we break before the dawn, they'll
use up what we used to be.
Lord, here comes the flood
We'll say goodbye to flesh and blood
If again the seas are silent
in any still alive
It'll be those who gave their island to survive
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.
R-,
I would like to ask you again to examine your motives for every sentence you have written in the letter you were going to send to me. At this point there is nothing I can think of that would be of any consolation that can be drawn from this situation. The fact is you are divorcing me which goes beyond abandonment to the ultimate rejection as far as marriage is concerned.
I thought early on in our "no-contact" time, that after the 90 days or what ever, there would have been the possibility of re-establishing a dialogue prior to you making a decision on whether to continue our relationship or not. However, I can understand how you were able to make the decision without re-establishing contact. It really does make sense to me.
However; since you have made that decision any type of dialogue regarding the matter would only be academic. Like I said, I am not interested nor do I want to hear how you arrived at your decision. I don't want to hear what a nice guy I "really" am or what a good father I might be. I definitely do not need to hear anything to the contrary as this would only serve to jeapardize the spirit of good will each of us seem to have at this point.
I do not want to hear what you have been through - yes you have been through a lot, I know. Re-stating this would only serve to shame me. I am trying to get rid of my shame.
I don't want to hear how you need to protect the children or protect yourself. Once again, protect you and the children from me makes me feel very shameful. I understand what I did and I understand your lack of trust regarding the issue. Stating such would only serve to shame me.
I don't want to hear how you just can't stand to be around me anymore. All this stuff is implied when one decides or intends to file for divorce. Once again, stating this explicitly would only induce shame.
R-, I have enough shame to do bad things. That is what shame does. I do not need anymore.
I don't want to hear what a tough time you had arriving at your decision, I know you had a tough time, In many ways it is more difficult to be the one to pull the trigger on this than to be on the recieving end.
I don't want to hear that you love me. You could never say it during our marriage, why would you be able to say it now. I definitely don't want to hear some type of applogy for the fact that you realized you never really did love me in the first place.
Along those lines, in fact, now is not the time for any type of confessions no matter how mundane you think they might be.
R-, I understand that you reached your limit on November 23rd and that is it. Case closed. There is no recourse on this one. I am working on accepting this. When we woke up together on the morning of November 22nd I did not realize that it would be the last time we would. When you left for work that day I did not realize it would be the last time I would see you (barring the 24th but you were gone by then.) For all practical matters it would be as if you got in some type of accident. In my mind I am writing this letter to a dead person. I need to keep it that way.
My feeling at this point is that I never want to hear your voice or see your face again. In addition, after the divorce settlement I never want to correspond with you in anyway again in my life. I know that I will not always feel this way. I know this for sure. However, it is definitely the way I feel now. You are dead and I want to keep it that way.
I will tell you that I am having a difficult time not putting the children in this category. Like I have written, I know this is temporary.
Finally, a note on finances, this is an extremely emotionally charged type of thing. Understanding that we are now in the throws of a divorce, discussions about how "we" can work on savings are a moot point. I don't care what you spend your money on. I do know what I will give you. Right now I am giving you 2/3rds to 3/4s of my earnings. In A-, a spouse can not take more than half of the other's earnings. I don't know what that is in C-. I do not believe there is anything to "work on" regarding savings. From my vantage point, I don't even have enough left over to fly or drive back to C- even if I could handle the emotion of being in D- at this point.
I would like to ask you again to examine your motives for every sentence you have written in the letter you were going to send to me. At this point there is nothing I can think of that would be of any consolation that can be drawn from this situation. The fact is you are divorcing me which goes beyond abandonment to the ultimate rejection as far as marriage is concerned.
I thought early on in our "no-contact" time, that after the 90 days or what ever, there would have been the possibility of re-establishing a dialogue prior to you making a decision on whether to continue our relationship or not. However, I can understand how you were able to make the decision without re-establishing contact. It really does make sense to me.
However; since you have made that decision any type of dialogue regarding the matter would only be academic. Like I said, I am not interested nor do I want to hear how you arrived at your decision. I don't want to hear what a nice guy I "really" am or what a good father I might be. I definitely do not need to hear anything to the contrary as this would only serve to jeapardize the spirit of good will each of us seem to have at this point.
I do not want to hear what you have been through - yes you have been through a lot, I know. Re-stating this would only serve to shame me. I am trying to get rid of my shame.
I don't want to hear how you need to protect the children or protect yourself. Once again, protect you and the children from me makes me feel very shameful. I understand what I did and I understand your lack of trust regarding the issue. Stating such would only serve to shame me.
I don't want to hear how you just can't stand to be around me anymore. All this stuff is implied when one decides or intends to file for divorce. Once again, stating this explicitly would only induce shame.
R-, I have enough shame to do bad things. That is what shame does. I do not need anymore.
I don't want to hear what a tough time you had arriving at your decision, I know you had a tough time, In many ways it is more difficult to be the one to pull the trigger on this than to be on the recieving end.
I don't want to hear that you love me. You could never say it during our marriage, why would you be able to say it now. I definitely don't want to hear some type of applogy for the fact that you realized you never really did love me in the first place.
Along those lines, in fact, now is not the time for any type of confessions no matter how mundane you think they might be.
R-, I understand that you reached your limit on November 23rd and that is it. Case closed. There is no recourse on this one. I am working on accepting this. When we woke up together on the morning of November 22nd I did not realize that it would be the last time we would. When you left for work that day I did not realize it would be the last time I would see you (barring the 24th but you were gone by then.) For all practical matters it would be as if you got in some type of accident. In my mind I am writing this letter to a dead person. I need to keep it that way.
My feeling at this point is that I never want to hear your voice or see your face again. In addition, after the divorce settlement I never want to correspond with you in anyway again in my life. I know that I will not always feel this way. I know this for sure. However, it is definitely the way I feel now. You are dead and I want to keep it that way.
I will tell you that I am having a difficult time not putting the children in this category. Like I have written, I know this is temporary.
Finally, a note on finances, this is an extremely emotionally charged type of thing. Understanding that we are now in the throws of a divorce, discussions about how "we" can work on savings are a moot point. I don't care what you spend your money on. I do know what I will give you. Right now I am giving you 2/3rds to 3/4s of my earnings. In A-, a spouse can not take more than half of the other's earnings. I don't know what that is in C-. I do not believe there is anything to "work on" regarding savings. From my vantage point, I don't even have enough left over to fly or drive back to C- even if I could handle the emotion of being in D- at this point.
RE: letter and finances
R-
Thank you for the update on the finances and yes, I have had to finagle the finances because the mortgage payment is so large. It wipes out, as you well know, one of my paychecks. This is part of the reasoning behind cutting my cash payments to you except for on an as need basis. I will take care of signing the tax return checks immediately and send them back to you express mail. As soon as I receive the payment form BCBS, I will send it to you express mail as well. (We are up to date on Auto and home insurance, I hope what ever Ken wants to talk about is just sales stuff.)
My understanding is you will be notifying me through legal council of your intent for divorce sometime within the next month from last Friday. I do need to talk about a major financial concern at this time. I need to relate my fear about where the money comes from to pay each of our attorneys' fees. The following is what I am looking at and how I see it. It should be evident I am looking at the situation through the "fear filter." I do not want to incite any anger in you and I believe relative to with what we have to deal regarding emotions, this discussion may be too early never-the-less it is necessary. Based on what I am looking at and how I am looking at it, I will being taking some actions within the next week that may or may not be warranted. I hope you can help me with this.
With the sale of your mom's house or eminent sale of your mom's house, it appears you will have the money to get an attorney, however, my resources are much more limited, I need to protect and take care of myself as well. I hope you can appreciate my reluctance to continue any further cash support at this time. From my perspective my resources for the divorce and reliable transportation will come from a 200% loan I am preparing to take out. With the information I have at this point and the understanding of your intention for a divorce, I believe this fear is valid and my actions regarding the loan and cash support termination warranted. I am really hoping you can give me information that will assuage my fears on this issue. If these fears can not be mitigated, then, until we have a settlement, I will only pay obligations for which I am legally bound.
The less business side of the letter:
R-, I beg of you to understand that I am really trying to communicate with you without emotional enmeshment. I am so totally not trying to manipulate you into doing anything. I am now fearful of you coming back and saying something like, "For your information, the sale of my mom's house is none of your business and what I do with that money is none of your concern etc. etc. etc.!!!!!" Please understand, I really believe my ultimate motive is to convey to you what I believe I need to do to prepare myself for this divorce so that you may be able to correct me where needed. I am hiding nothing from you especially my concerns. In fact, I am telling you all this so that I truly do not do something stupid or harmful to what ever is left of our relationship.
In the absence of any other information and/or until we arrive at our divorce settlement, my intentions are;
1.) Pay the mortgage, (right now - today).
2.) Continue all other financial obligations I have committed to as listed below.
Mortgage payment
Auto insurance payment
Health Insurance
Car Insurance
Medical Payments.
You should have a check for $billion that I sent a couple of weeks ago. This would be my last installment of cash support. If you have not recieved this check please let me know as soon as possible. I will get another one to you right away. In any event I will not be sending any money for the month of May. I will be traveling extensively toward the end of May and through June and simply will not have the money.
I look forward to your letter. (I think)
A-
Thank you for the update on the finances and yes, I have had to finagle the finances because the mortgage payment is so large. It wipes out, as you well know, one of my paychecks. This is part of the reasoning behind cutting my cash payments to you except for on an as need basis. I will take care of signing the tax return checks immediately and send them back to you express mail. As soon as I receive the payment form BCBS, I will send it to you express mail as well. (We are up to date on Auto and home insurance, I hope what ever Ken wants to talk about is just sales stuff.)
My understanding is you will be notifying me through legal council of your intent for divorce sometime within the next month from last Friday. I do need to talk about a major financial concern at this time. I need to relate my fear about where the money comes from to pay each of our attorneys' fees. The following is what I am looking at and how I see it. It should be evident I am looking at the situation through the "fear filter." I do not want to incite any anger in you and I believe relative to with what we have to deal regarding emotions, this discussion may be too early never-the-less it is necessary. Based on what I am looking at and how I am looking at it, I will being taking some actions within the next week that may or may not be warranted. I hope you can help me with this.
With the sale of your mom's house or eminent sale of your mom's house, it appears you will have the money to get an attorney, however, my resources are much more limited, I need to protect and take care of myself as well. I hope you can appreciate my reluctance to continue any further cash support at this time. From my perspective my resources for the divorce and reliable transportation will come from a 200% loan I am preparing to take out. With the information I have at this point and the understanding of your intention for a divorce, I believe this fear is valid and my actions regarding the loan and cash support termination warranted. I am really hoping you can give me information that will assuage my fears on this issue. If these fears can not be mitigated, then, until we have a settlement, I will only pay obligations for which I am legally bound.
The less business side of the letter:
R-, I beg of you to understand that I am really trying to communicate with you without emotional enmeshment. I am so totally not trying to manipulate you into doing anything. I am now fearful of you coming back and saying something like, "For your information, the sale of my mom's house is none of your business and what I do with that money is none of your concern etc. etc. etc.!!!!!" Please understand, I really believe my ultimate motive is to convey to you what I believe I need to do to prepare myself for this divorce so that you may be able to correct me where needed. I am hiding nothing from you especially my concerns. In fact, I am telling you all this so that I truly do not do something stupid or harmful to what ever is left of our relationship.
In the absence of any other information and/or until we arrive at our divorce settlement, my intentions are;
1.) Pay the mortgage, (right now - today).
2.) Continue all other financial obligations I have committed to as listed below.
Mortgage payment
Auto insurance payment
Health Insurance
Car Insurance
Medical Payments.
You should have a check for $billion that I sent a couple of weeks ago. This would be my last installment of cash support. If you have not recieved this check please let me know as soon as possible. I will get another one to you right away. In any event I will not be sending any money for the month of May. I will be traveling extensively toward the end of May and through June and simply will not have the money.
I look forward to your letter. (I think)
A-
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Take my hand.
It became clear it was over today.
"I at least owe you that much."
were the words that made it clear.
almost as if she had found someone else
she "at least owed me that much"
I have yet to see her write those words
I have yet to hear her say those words.
I don't believe I will hear her say those words
Here I go again with the water works.
"I at least owe you that much."
were the words that made it clear.
almost as if she had found someone else
she "at least owed me that much"
I have yet to see her write those words
I have yet to hear her say those words.
I don't believe I will hear her say those words
Here I go again with the water works.
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