R-,

I would like to ask you again to examine your motives for every sentence you have written in the letter you were going to send to me. At this point there is nothing I can think of that would be of any consolation that can be drawn from this situation. The fact is you are divorcing me which goes beyond abandonment to the ultimate rejection as far as marriage is concerned.
I thought early on in our "no-contact" time, that after the 90 days or what ever, there would have been the possibility of re-establishing a dialogue prior to you making a decision on whether to continue our relationship or not. However, I can understand how you were able to make the decision without re-establishing contact. It really does make sense to me.

However; since you have made that decision any type of dialogue regarding the matter would only be academic. Like I said, I am not interested nor do I want to hear how you arrived at your decision. I don't want to hear what a nice guy I "really" am or what a good father I might be. I definitely do not need to hear anything to the contrary as this would only serve to jeapardize the spirit of good will each of us seem to have at this point.

I do not want to hear what you have been through - yes you have been through a lot, I know. Re-stating this would only serve to shame me. I am trying to get rid of my shame.

I don't want to hear how you need to protect the children or protect yourself. Once again, protect you and the children from me makes me feel very shameful. I understand what I did and I understand your lack of trust regarding the issue. Stating such would only serve to shame me.

I don't want to hear how you just can't stand to be around me anymore. All this stuff is implied when one decides or intends to file for divorce. Once again, stating this explicitly would only induce shame.

R-, I have enough shame to do bad things. That is what shame does. I do not need anymore.

I don't want to hear what a tough time you had arriving at your decision, I know you had a tough time, In many ways it is more difficult to be the one to pull the trigger on this than to be on the recieving end.

I don't want to hear that you love me. You could never say it during our marriage, why would you be able to say it now. I definitely don't want to hear some type of applogy for the fact that you realized you never really did love me in the first place.

Along those lines, in fact, now is not the time for any type of confessions no matter how mundane you think they might be.

R-, I understand that you reached your limit on November 23rd and that is it. Case closed. There is no recourse on this one. I am working on accepting this. When we woke up together on the morning of November 22nd I did not realize that it would be the last time we would. When you left for work that day I did not realize it would be the last time I would see you (barring the 24th but you were gone by then.) For all practical matters it would be as if you got in some type of accident. In my mind I am writing this letter to a dead person. I need to keep it that way.

My feeling at this point is that I never want to hear your voice or see your face again. In addition, after the divorce settlement I never want to correspond with you in anyway again in my life. I know that I will not always feel this way. I know this for sure. However, it is definitely the way I feel now. You are dead and I want to keep it that way.

I will tell you that I am having a difficult time not putting the children in this category. Like I have written, I know this is temporary.

Finally, a note on finances, this is an extremely emotionally charged type of thing. Understanding that we are now in the throws of a divorce, discussions about how "we" can work on savings are a moot point. I don't care what you spend your money on. I do know what I will give you. Right now I am giving you 2/3rds to 3/4s of my earnings. In A-, a spouse can not take more than half of the other's earnings. I don't know what that is in C-. I do not believe there is anything to "work on" regarding savings. From my vantage point, I don't even have enough left over to fly or drive back to C- even if I could handle the emotion of being in D- at this point.